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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

Is it normal for DD to hide uni application info

69 replies

secretiveuniteen · 02/12/2024 20:06

My DD is quite academic and has applied to oxbridge. She has some results back for exams but won't tell me them and says it's a secret and up to her and nothing to do with me & DH. She has an interview soon and I asked if she needed help. She says she's 18 and it's nothing to do with us and she's independent despite living at home with us supporting her.

I'm wondering if IABU and she's independent and I need to just accept it or if she's being unreasonable and other teens talk to their parents about uni applications. And to confirm she goes to a state school, me and DH went to university but not oxbridge and no pressure from us except for her to do what she wants to do and do her best - whatever that may be...,

OP posts:

bevelino · 02/12/2024 20:08

Your dd will soon be involving you when the rent needs to be paid, unless she is going to support herself entirely.

Tess150 · 02/12/2024 20:10

Do you think she is doing this because she is disappointed in what she got and doesn't want anyone to know? Was she so secretive with her GCSE results?

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2024 20:11

Yes, she will be asking for financial info and/or money from you so will want your input at some point.
DD shared all info about her applications etc with us

flowersintheatticus · 02/12/2024 20:11

How independent is she intending to be? Zero financial help from you whatsoever? If that is the case, although I still think it's off and unnecessary, but she could have a point. I don't think she'll be as independent as she claims though, in which case it is very much your business. My DC had to be strategic about location, London was completely out of the question due to cost, so these things had to be discussed beforehand.

HeddaGarbled · 02/12/2024 20:15

It’s not normal, no, but I expect she’s got her reasons. I’d step back for now, though I know that’s difficult and a bit hurtful.

Original poster

secretiveuniteen · 02/12/2024 20:22

I do feel hurt but trying to put my feelings aside. She says she doesn't want the pressure of us knowing so I'm thinking I should take a step back. Equally she just won't listen to us more generally at the moment so maybe it's just a teenage phase. And yes we will be financially supporting her.

I went to university as a mature student in my 20s so I don't have any comparisons to draw on as I was genuinely independent.

OP posts:

AsTearsGoBy · 02/12/2024 20:23

She's obviously super sensitive about the application. I'd try really hard not to ask anything at all. I'm not at all sure that having to supply financial info gives parents a right to demand info about applications in progress. I can see that it's hurtful though. She's got an interview though so so far so good/ fingers crossed. Could just be a jinxing thing because her heart is set on it. Definitely give her space.

Original poster

secretiveuniteen · 02/12/2024 20:25

And not secretive with gcse results but has been more secretive over last 6 months or so - despite us taking her abroad and paying for various sports trips and DH having to take a week off work to support her.

OP posts:

PlantDoctor · 02/12/2024 20:26

I think she is just nervous in case she doesn't get in. Quite understandable from a young person I think? Give her time and don't pile on too much pressure

sausagesforteaagain · 02/12/2024 20:28

Oh yeah I have got one of those, a DS tho, and not quite Oxbridge. But we know nothing.

Um it’s nice for them to be independent?!?

MiraculousLadybug · 02/12/2024 20:29

despite us taking her abroad and paying for various sports trips and DH having to take a week off work to support her.

I really hope you don't bring it up in the same breath, because if so, maybe that's why she's distancing herself. Otherwise, she might be embarrassed about wanting to do something you might not approve of, embarrassed about low grades or not wanting the pressure of telling you about high grades.

I'd take a step back, give her the space she craves, and let her come to you when she needs to.

Brandyb · 02/12/2024 20:30

My daughter has this fierce desire for independence that includes bristling when I try to step in to assist her with certain things. (She's 15.) But she does still tell me stuff.

Has your girl always been guarded like this, or is this a new thing?

MrsCarson · 02/12/2024 20:31

She'll be wanting your help when it's time to apply for financial aid as it goes in based on you and your Dh filling out your incomes on your own accounts.
She got an idea in her head from somewhere/someone that she doesn't need parents now. Leave her to it and don't ask anything. Chances are she'll want money for things pretty soon, then she'll need to talk you properly, like the adult she thinks she already is

healthybychristmas · 02/12/2024 20:34

The capacity for children to hurt their parents always astounds me! God knows what she's up to. She's fooling herself if she thinks she's independent because she is going to be relying on you very much financially when she goes to university. If she goes to Oxbridge she will have very short terms as well.

I think I would call her out if she's being rude. I would also tell her if she hurts you. She's an intelligent girl and she knows she shouldn't treat people like that never mind her own mother.

HoppityBun · 02/12/2024 20:34

secretiveuniteen · 02/12/2024 20:25

Do you take her to stately homes?

Anotherworrier · 02/12/2024 20:35

Is it possible she feels smothered and is trying to get a bit of space?

RedVelvetIcing · 02/12/2024 20:38

You’re only showing an interest.

LadySad · 02/12/2024 20:41

My DS was rather reluctant to show his UCAS form, but agreed to let me just check it for accuracy before he submitted.
I could see that on the form they ask questions about gender and sexuality which DS had obviously filled in and which he perhaps regarded as not our business (he put that he is bisexual, which I didn't know, does not bother me, and did not comment on when I skimmed through it).

Could it be something like that?

Original poster

secretiveuniteen · 02/12/2024 20:41

Sorry what I meant about taking her abroad was about supporting her to do something she wanted to do. But the way I wrote that sounded conditional which wasn't what I meant.

I think we will take a step back and let her come to us when she's ready. The last thing I want to be is overbearing or pushy. I just want her to feel supported so will let her guide us and be open to her when she's ready.

OP posts:

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 02/12/2024 20:41

Is there a lot of other students who have applied to oxbridge from her school?

I suspect that if she is the only one (one of 2 or 3) she doesn’t want the pressure or the judgement coming from applying and failing.

Id leave her be but I’d also remind her that she’ll need to discuss results (re paying fees, organisation etc….)
I mean dc wanted to go to Imperial but London cost prohibited that choice for example, despite the fact he had an offer.

Otherwise, I’ll just encourage her in general. Nice breakfast if you know she has an interview online. Support re organisation if she needs to go there etc…

Workhardcryharder · 02/12/2024 20:50

It is not particularly normal in a healthy relationship. Given the fact that you have posted this on mumsnet and feel your support for her means she owes you her personal information I would bet it’s not the healthiest of relationships and DD feels suffocated a bit.

Let the girl breathe, give her some independence

Original poster

secretiveuniteen · 02/12/2024 20:59

She doesn't owe me personal information but I guess I was asking if a uni application was personal as I don't have experience of this. She is a wonderful dd and at the end of the day I wanted to understand if others teens were more open about this or not to help me to be as supportive as I can without overstepping so she feels pressured.

Having come from an abusive upbringing I sometimes second guess myself. It's been really helpful hearing people's views and I really appreciate everyone posting different perspectives- thank you so much

OP posts:

Wigglywoowho · 02/12/2024 21:07

Workhardcryharder · 02/12/2024 20:50

Let the girl breathe, give her some independence

I'd be telling them that while they are an adult they live in your home and your supporting them financially. They are your child. They will always be your child irrespective of their age. Their attitude and behaviour currently is not only hurtful but also incredibly childish.

YourFairCyanReader · 02/12/2024 21:09

I think it's unusual to not tell you anything about where she's applying or which courses etc. When you say Oxbridge, do you even know which one out of Oxford or Cambridge? As others have said, location matters for travel ease and accommodation costs.
She could be secretive because she wants to show how independent she is... but also it could be because she's scared of failing, not meeting your and school's expectations, and generally of being expected to be able to go away from home this time next year. It's a really scary time. Does she know explicitly from you that it's ok if she doesn't get in, and ok if she chooses not to go?
I would also think about asking her 6th form tutor for a chat, not to invade her privacy by trying to find out where she's applied etc, but just to see what their take is on how she is generally. Is parents evening coming up?
You could ask your dd if she'd like to go to offer days at any unis that give her an offer. Especially if she didn't go to open days, these are a good way of finding out more before choosing first and insurance offers.

ShipToNoveltle · 02/12/2024 21:17

I would say it is highly unusual for a child not to tell their parents where they applied to and their grades etc. As parents we got their school report through from their sixth form which listed everything from attendance, grades, predicted grades and attitude to learning.

Although your child is 18 no doubt she will be putting her hand out for financial support when the time comes for accommodation costs and asking you to disclose your personal finances. Do you know what other universities she has applied for and their respective accommodation costs?

It could be that she is not achieving the grades she and college thought she would at this point and she is hiding that. I wouldn't say that uni applications are personal at all in terms of your parents knowing about it.

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