Funding university!

[jandalsinsummer]

DC is heading to Uni next year, we are in a position to provide some financial support but dc whilst being academically bright thinks it’s cool to lie in bed all day, hang out with their friends, do no work, scrape a pass etc. I don’t want to be the parent who writes to Uni and says where can I see the attendance register and marks? But I also don’t want to find myself paying out all year (we’re likely to pay most of first year hall fees) only for them to fail the year since they never showed up/submitted assignments. DH is little help (his ‘solution’ for all the lack of work/poor results last year was to say (behind my back) ‘If you pass this year I will buy you a new computer.’ Of course dc could pass with their eyes closed and one hand behind their back so predictable they have done no work and have dreadful attendance and will scrape a pass this year.
I would be so grateful if anyone has any suggestions to share about how we can support dc financially and help them raise their game.
thanks

Don’t ask the university about your child’s attendance.

Surely if he’s too lazy to get the grades needed, he won’t go?

But also, maybe a gap year would suit him?

Your question has nothing to do with funding. You seem to be asking how you can make an adult study, is that right?

That was a joke!
We’re overseas he has already got in, he doesn’t want a year off I can see the attraction but I’m not sure he would use it wisely he knows what he is doing, can absolutely calculate how many milliseconds he needs to spend in class or with a book to get what he wants with the minimum effort

A 3 year degree is likely to cost over £60k. Increase accrues from day 1 and the loan is now over 40 years so it's a massive financial investment. If you feel he won't make good use of that investment is it worth him going? A year out working might sharpen up his motivation.

You won't be able to find out if he is attending lectures. Even if you could, what would you do?

What's his predicted grades?

They may faff about in first semester but it can be a rude awakening if they fail it

a gap year may help with maturity

If he's already been accepted then he's passed his school exams - so presumably despite his attitude he's managed to do reasonably well. Where is he going?

No not really he’s going to have to fund it somehow, I’m quite sure he will pass year 1 if he does a minimum amount of work. I am happy to support him if he engages with the whole thing, joins a club, goes to a few lectures submits his assignments. What I don’t think will be helpful at all for him is DH saying we’ll pay this and that (like the new computer for a pass) with no real engagement in what’s going on. He can party hard I understand that but I want him to get more out of it if I am paying!

So he's not in education at the moment?

I'd be telling him you will match what he manages to earn and save this year before he goes. That should concentrate his mind.

Also, even if you weren't joking and wanted to, universities are unable to provide info on attendance etc. But everything is online so going forward, any more money you need to give him could be contingent on him proving to you he is keeping up.

I’m not sure whether the done thing is to quote you all individually and reply to each point or just do a bulk reply so sorry if I am doing the wrong thing please let me know!
we’re overseas, he’s going to a good Uni to do a good course but it’s not like the UK here, the standard is lower than it was when I went to Uni but it’s a different world. I do wonder if there will be some reduction in numbers after the first year.
I am not going to write and ask to see the register for each class (tempting though that might be 😂)

Since I have no way of finding out his engagement I’m asking if any one has any carrot/stick type ideas re us paying towards his hall only if he ups his game!
I do hear you all on the year off thing older ds took one and it was so beneficial but this kid really doesn’t want one.

My friend's sister had a firm talking to by her uni for failing to go to classes etc half way through her first year, they recommended she have 6 months off to decide to re-sit the first year or drop out if she decided uni wasn't for her. Best thing that could have happened, she needed to find her own motivation. By failing, she went back and knuckled down and did well in the end.

You can't, unfortunately, teach these life lessons to your child or protect them from making costly mistakes, but by making them they gain the skills to succeed in life.

What I would suggest is insisting upon some volunteering or job experience during the summer before uni somewhere that will make your child appreciate the privilege they have and the consequences of not working hard. And also the value of money. E.g. prison/a homeless shelter/charity work
(Not that clients of these e.g.s necessarily dont work hard but you get my drift)

No we’re overseas he’s at school. I’m thinking ahead. I really like the matched earning thing thank you.

I think at uni age the carrot stick approach is a bit pointless, they are an adult and need to realise the consequences for their own life. If they want to doss around, is uni really the right thing for them anyway? You could book a session with a good careers advisor. It's OK to not know what you want to do with your career at 18, but they could be supported in writing a list of what they want eg travel/short working hours etc and go from there. What makes your child happy?

A reverse of the matched earning is to charge him rent and secretly have it for your child then give it them back when they are older.
Or just sit down and budget with them. E.g. how much is their phone/internet/electricity etc. So, how much is rent? What would their projected earning need to be to sustain their current lifestyle when they leave home? Which degrees and then jobs offer this earning potential? Etc. Etc.

A reverse of the matched earning is to charge him rent and secretly have it for your child then give it them back when they are older.
Or just sit down and budget with them. E.g. how much is their phone/internet/electricity etc. So, how much is rent? What would their projected earning need to be to sustain their current lifestyle when they leave home? Which degrees and then jobs offer this earning potential? Etc. Etc.

Yeah thanks I just remembered I did try matched earning and it didn’t work, he’s going to halls so rent is out!
Budget is also a good idea thank you for that one @wafflesmgee

Does he really want to be at Uni or is it just one huge party for him? There’s no way I would have funded any of our three through Uni if they were treating it like some some sort of party and doing minimal work. If we’d had one sniff of arsing around lying in bed all day and bad attendance the support would have been withdrawn.

We banged home to ours what an incredibly privileged position they were in having parents to fully fund their time at Uni. All 3 had many practical placements though so there was no time for lying in bed or slacking on studying.

I'm not really sure of your question. If you are able to pay his hall fees, then pay them. It shouldn't be tit for tat.

Does he even want to go to uni? The point of uni is to study a subject you love. He should be interested and excited about his course. It doesn't sound as if he's that interested in academics or learning, or reading around his subject, so maybe uni isn't for him. Just because he 'could' do it with his eyes closed, doesn't mean he should.

Maybe he should do something else with his life?

I'm not really sure of your post either OP

If he didn't get top grades then he won't be going to a top uni so the course will easier than the top RG unis

It's up to him to figure it out

Really? My 17 yo son is off to Uni, he’s super bright but a bit lazy, a bit feckless, probably a bit immature and has a teenage brain that isn’t quite wired to fully appreciate consequences, and long term outcomes and so on. He’s very much a live for today type kid. We’re in a position to be able to pay a good part of his major first year expense, my OH will likely just pay. I’m not so sure that’s the smartest way to try and help him appreciate that money doesn’t grow on trees and actions have consequences and all those things good parents are supposed to help their kids with so I’m wondering if anyone has any experience or suggestions to offer. I don’t think it’s a particularly obtuse question.

Yes agree we won’t be paying for it all but I’m really looking for ideas to help keep him on track before it becomes a problem. I did wonder whether him getting a loan/working and paying his own way and us paying something at the end of the year would be a good solution.

We’re overseas he’s happy with where he is going, I’m happy with where he is going, thankfully we’re free of all that prejudice and elitism around RG and so on!
My best friend was so scarred by not getting into Oxbridge she freely admits they ran their life around her daughter’s schooling and she had a carefully curated set of extra curricular activities matched only by the Spanish Infanta or the Crown Princess of Belgium. All paid off in the end because the kid went to Oxford, sadly without Mummy there to run everything for her she dropped out after year 1 because she couldn’t cope. (These are her words not mine!)

You don’t get into Oxford with extra curricular activities anyway so your friend was wasting her time.

I think ppl are confused bc they assumed you were talking about a dc in the UK or at any rate going to uni here.

I don’t know a lot about unis in other unnamed countries, but I would imagine that, similar to unis in UK, if he’s looking like he will fail they’ll pick up on it. It’s certainly possible to fail your first year in the UK.

Is It possible for him to find uni without you paying? Is there a system of loans or grants if you don’t pay?

I would sit down and budget with him. Get him to understand the FULL cost for university and tell him that if he doesn't get high grades not only will he forfeit progressing to the next year he'll have to pay you and any loans he gets (tuition fee) back.

He needs to understand that what you guys are sacrificing.