DS not enjoying uni - pretending he is!

[HoneyButterPopcorn]

So he's a bit of an introvert and shy. He did say that his first year he was a bit lonely (his student dorm was very unsocial) and he his a low before Christmas (we had a family suicide that hit him hard). This years dorm is a bit better but they still don't mix very much.

I was just speaking to a friend of his (I know his mum) and he said that DS is very low at the moment and he is worried about how low he is (like he was last year when it was all so awful). He thinks is DS is lonely and that he isn't enjoying uni (he's not sure why). He's not exclusive what is setting him off. He's also worried that he is drinking too much.

Not sure how to broach the subject without dropping his friend in it.
He always says he is fine and it's all going well.

Is he far away from home? Not sure what the 'dorm' is as accommodation - self catered halls? But are there options for him to move into somewhere with one or two friends? Or transfer if it comes to that.

How worrying for you. I'm sorry, I don't know what to say to help you and your son, as if he doesn't want to tell you how he feels, he won't, and he may not want you to interfere if you try to probe further. Had you realised before this chat with his friend that your son wasn't doing too well? Next time you talk, could you possibly push him very gently, say something like you're getting this feeling there might be something wrong from the tone of his voice? Or might his dad be better able to do this, if he's in the picture? To my mind, it might be best if you manage to get him to tell you about it by himself, but if he won't, I think probably your only option would be to drop his friend in it, maybe saying something about his friend's mum having mentioned that her son thought you son wasn't enjoying university life much? I don't know, this sounds clumsy, I'm just trying to imagine what I'd do if I were in your shoes. My own child, who suffers from anxiety and stress, was able to get counselling via the student health centre whilst at university, and it helped her quite a bit, I think, so I'm all for addressing the situation and guiding your son to find help for himself. Good luck, I hope you manage to work something out, parenting is so difficult and doesn't stop just because your child has turned 18.

He's not exclusive what is setting him off

Is 'exclusive' a typo for something?

It's slightly puzzling that he's so reliant on his student accommodation for his social life -- it's just random people who sleep in the same place. What about people on his course? Student clubs and societies? Did he consider a flatshare with friends? Visiting friends at other universities? It's not just a matter of saying 'My dorm isn't sociable, therefore I can't have a social life'.

Slightly more concerning is, if it's not going out very much, is he drinking alone? But then again, if he were drinking alone, surely his friend wouldn't know about him 'drinking too much'? Is the friend at the same university? And can you trust the friend's judgement?

Is your DS enjoying the degree course?

What are his interests and hobbies besides his degree subject? Thats maybe what to ask him about.

But basically, he needs to make the effort to get out and about. Friendships don’t just happen. And even if he doesn’t make best friends, getting involved in a sport or a special interest beyond his studies, will give him some confidence and something interesting to do. And make him a more interesting person.

The other thing is that second year is sometimes as much of a step up from 1st year, as 1st year is from school. The marks count and time feels very short.

'Exclusive' is 'sure'. Sorry to type and run - will be back later. Thanks all! His dad will just worry himself to death so o don't want to give him the full story.

My student halls in first year were very antisocial. I was the only non international student and they all spoke to each other in their language and weren't interested in going out or even having a takeaway together.

Not sure what you mean by 'dorms? Is he still in halls? I moved into a shared house in second year with mates from my course netball team. They're still my best pals now.

It's rare to make your best friends in halls. I'd recommend he tries to find people on his course with common interests or joins some societies.

I agree with you that you definitely can't mention his friend speaking to you, you don't want him to stop trusting his friend. He needs friends he can trust especially if he is struggling.

Can he come home easily for the weekend? Maybe coming home more might help. You could then say to him that you've been worried about him particularly since the suicide in the family and you're wondering if he's just saying he's fine when he's not really. It's difficult though if he still won't talk, but maybe you could convince him to contact pastoral services or whatever it's called at his uni.

I agree with others that it would be great if he got involved with some clubs and societies - but that can feel very difficult if you're a shy introvert and it feels like everyone already knows each other.

Is the friend who spoke to you at uni with him?

Typed out a whole load then my phone died...

So he is in uni dorms - huge block with lots of small 'flats' (several self contained bedroom/bathroom) with a shared kitchen. The block common room is apparently always empty. It's very international, and yes, they do tend to hang together and speak their own language, but keen to mingle. But then I know he'd hate a noisy dorm!

I don't think he 'loves' his course but enjoys it from an intellectual level (he's doing well and gets on well with his lecturers). He says the other students are a bit geeky (hey it's a science course... what did he expect?) and not really sociable. One guy his dorm last year - he saw him once in the whole year (the guy never left his room - didn't go to class either).

I knew he was low last year - feeling like he hadn't found his tribe and a bit lonely.

When he was home over the summer we had lots of chats about realty Vs expectations (uni isn't all Animal House!) and that you have to make an effort to meet people, be relaxed, not to worry about not being alpha male/pack leader but to have some fun and join societies and clubs.

I also know he isn't much of a drinker - he doesn't like wine or spirits so I wonder if he had messaged his friend when he's had a few beers and got all maudlin. His friend is at another uni and I get the impression he has issues of his own to deal with.

Sadly he's like me - I'm introverted and shy - and find socialising absolutely painful and exhausting! I never addressed it and my parents pretended not to notice that I was very insular, but I just got on with it and it didn't bother me too much to be honest. Being shy sucks but it's a useful 'get out' to avoid people/things and I don't want him to be like this (I have tried really hard to explain this to him - don't be like me, this is what you need to do and I wish someone had told me this when I way young) - he's such a great lad, he really is.

I'm going to have a chat with him and try to tease it out of him. Of course I can't say that his friend spoke to me - going to have to pretend my 'mum senses' are tingling.

Has he joined any clubs or societies? My dd has some all sorts. Board game club, creative writing, surfing Pokémon card game, basketball.

From your language are you in USA and him here? If you are within travel distance I’d book a trip to see him for a day or two. But appreciate may not be realistic.
It’s unusual for a yr2 to go in halls, most house share so his flatmates are probably international or those who aren’t as social.
You can encourage him to join societies and sports. Volunteering?
Does he work? A pt job can widen social circle.

I think that is a really good idea about visiting him or inviting him home for a few days.

Do I sound American? I we are both in the U.K.! We have invited him home but he's always'too busy'

I'd go and visit him. Talk to him about how happy he is and about his mental health. Maybe have a chat and see if he wants to come home. Could he transfer to a local uni for year 2 and 3 and live at home or transfer his yr 1 credits onto an open uni degree and live at home?

Do I sound American? I we are both in the U.K.!

It's because dorm is American. In the UK they are called halls of residence or just halls.

Is he in London? Most second years would be living out rather than still being in halls. It might be quite isolating being in halls with mostly freshers or post grads, especially as such a large proportion of post grads are international students these days.

If his friend is so worried about him that he contacted you, I would go and see him as soon as possible. I don't know how far away you are but invite yourself up, use an excuse to be in the area anyway and take him out for lunch and a long walk. I wouldn't put pressure on him to go out and socialise or to tell you what is going on. I would ask if everything is ok but he likely won't tell you. If that's the case be very clear to explain that he can leave and try another path. Nothing is set in stone and no course is, God forbid, worth killing yourself over.
Does he have a caring grandparent/aunt/ uncle he can talk to? That could be a very valuable route too. I'd act fast.

Are there any societies he might be vaguely interested in that you could buy him something for Christmas to use to persuade him to go? Sports things maybe - airsoft is quite sociable I've heard and you don't need experience or as much skill as a lot of sports!

I would also definitely be visiting as soon as possible. Take him out for lunch - try to suss out how he is really feeling. He may not tell you much but you will get a feel for whether he seems like his usual self or a bit flat. If he does see down I would tell him that his mental health is far more important to you than him finishing a uni course. If he is struggling he will be worried about letting him down.
Doing that might annoy him but it’s better for him to know that you would never want him to plough on with something that wasn’t working for him . And if he’s fine- he’s annoyed - but you’ve shown him how much you care

I’d say I’d “heard on the grapevine” that he was maybe not enjoying it that much. Could you get away with that, without him knowing it’s one particular friend? People do transfer with credits, maybe look into that?

If he’s able to, societies are the way to make friends. There seem to be plenty of low key ones (board games, rambling) if he’s that kind of kid.

Good luck, I feel for you both.

It’s a research finding that a family suicide is one of the most prevalent risk factors for suicide. Not trying to be alarmist but it’s something to be aware of. If he’s low, go and see him and try to get him to talk.

Go and visit. This weekend if possible. Get him to show you around. Be positive about the place.

I know that feeling of not wanting your child to be like you in some ways- or at least not wanting them to struggle like you did. But a better vibe would be to embrace who you are. He is your son - it's very likely he will be like you, and saying 'dont be like me because it was awful' isnt going to help. Did you make any friends at uni, did you have some fun times, or did you enjoy studying at least? Talk about those, talk about those moments when you learned something and the world opened up a bit. Don't diss being quiet if that's how he is.

Something that helped me at uni was volunteering. All I did was sign up with a big student volunteering agency and babysat once a week for a single parent who wanted to go to an evening class. It meant I was in touch with the real world a bit, had conversations about non-student things. Ideally it would be something he enjoys - maybe a social club bringing people of the same age together who have different abilities?

Dorm and go to class made me think USA but great news if you are here. I’d go and see him - tell him you are coming not ask and take him out for lunch. Hope he’s ok.

Was he into scouts? Some unis have societies for scouts/guiding and will facilitate volunteering at local group near uni.

I would ask if he's really OK and say you can sense something in his voice. I would also consider contacting the university welfare team as if his friend was worried enough to tell his Mum then he must be very worried how depressed your son is and what he might do. It's always hard to know, and could be drink talking, but would always be very cautious with these things. I would consider visiting and taking things like food / things he likes to show you care. I wouldn't put any pressure on to do anything. Hope he feels better soon. Could also be seasonal, miserable weather and darkness doesn't help, sometimes lights can help with that or indoor activities.

I think this is good advice to contact the university- it's really important they know to up their pastoral support and will have systems in place for vulnerable students to monitor things like lecture attendance, if he is in university accomodation there will be staff who can keep a discreet eye. I would also go and visit if you can and do an overnight and stay local. University is so hard, looks as if everyone else is having the time of their life and it is so built up as the prize at the end of secondary school.