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Higher education

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Original poster

How often is your son in contact as a new uni starter?

36 replies

RareitySparkles · 02/10/2024 20:20

Me and ds are quite close when he was at home. He has history of bad MH and started uni two weeks ago. I tried to agree a contact time with him. I said I'd like to know he is still alive and OK once a week which he thought was too much.

Anyway I send him a few sentences on WhatsApp once a week which he reply with one sentence about 3 days later.

He could be very chatty at home but when he is holiday he is like this too.

My friends dd are chatting every day. I worry about how he is coping but he seems OK on the minimal contact I get. Is this within the realms of normal contact level?

I'm thinking I might reduce my contact but try to phone him, maybe every two weeks.

OP posts:
HowardTJMoon · 02/10/2024 20:46

You can try phone calls but I wouldn't do it at the expense of sending him two or three messages a week as well. He may not always respond but him knowing that you're there and thinking about him isn't going to be a bad thing.

Both my DS and DD went to uni and have now left home. From the start I'd post something most days in the family whatsapp group as well as organising weekly video calls among all three of us. It works for us but everyone's different. Saying that, DD will also call for a chat every now and then whereas DS rarely calls and only when there's a specific reason.

Baglessvacuous · 02/10/2024 20:53

Twice over the first year, the first time in February, the second, just before the end of the academic year.

Longleggedblond · 02/10/2024 21:14

That's boys for you. My son too had MH probs and was on meds. I can't remember how often he texted or called and we got 1 word answers at first. I guessed he was having too much fun . We then went down and stayed in hotel nearby. Took him out for a good meal and took him extra shopping for which he seemed grateful. I even did his washing on uni campus as he struggled with machines. Sat there like a that in a mask so I didn't catch covid. Try not to stress too much. Offer to go down in a few weeks with extra grub and promise of a meal out.

Longleggedblond · 02/10/2024 21:15

Twat that should read

Motheranddaughter · 02/10/2024 21:17

My DS very rarely and only when he wanted something 🤣
My DD most days

Pieceofpurplesky · 02/10/2024 21:18

DS is in his third year and rarely do a day without contact of some sort - either a WhatsApp with a daft meme or a message. We speak a couple of times a week, often on FaceTime.

It's him that normally instigates it. FaceTime generally includes him and his girlfriend now too.

LouiseTopaz · 02/10/2024 21:19

I think I only contacted my mum once a month when I was at uni, maybe less. Now I'm in my early 30s I speak to her daily. I was just busy living and loving life at uni and it went far too quickly!

Summertimer · 02/10/2024 21:19

Our DC has been at uni since 14 Sept, we have texted briefly every day. We usually either share a word or 2 about what he’s been doing or share articles we have read on our mutual interest in film. We have spoken on the phone about twice each week. Oh and I’ve emailed a bit of recipe advice he asked for. I’d say this was a bit more than I thought contact wise but we get on so I’m not entirely surprised.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/10/2024 21:21

My son's been home for a night already for medical appointments. He had a bad cough and seemed very tired, but generally happy. He texted tonight to ask how to cook broccoli and I'm torn between laughing at that and being made up that he's cooking veggies for himself!

junebirthdaygirl · 02/10/2024 21:24

I said to my ds that l would just like to know he is OK so every now & then he would send..all grand! We are in lreland in case that needs translation!
Then he might send a few extra lines. We took turns to call. When he came home he was full of chat. I would send odd messages about extended family or friends and send holiday pictures etc. Anything just to keep the contact going. He is graduated now, living abroad and calls me regularly. Sounds like your guy is pretty regular.

fernsandlilies · 02/10/2024 21:26

We usually send a photo of the dog and get a’like’ back. We also do a couple of word puzzles as a family. Low effort but we know DS is ok that way.

Rasputin123 · 02/10/2024 21:38

They are all very different. Think it all depends.

DS contacts us fairly regularly usually at least two three times a week and will send or reply to a text or whatsapp message sometimes within a couple of hours but more usually after a few days or sometimes not at all.

Whereas DD on the other hand never phones us. If we didn’t initiate contact it wouldn’t happen and replies to a text with less than 5 words if she replies.

Personally, I would keep communication light and communication channels open even if you don’t get a reply for 3 days.

If you have a pet you can send a pet photo or video. Message about any wider family or neighbourhood news. Or you could ask breezily if they are free for a call tonight or tomorrow night. Or if Uni not too far away you could say thinking of maybe visiting you and meeting for lunch mid-end of October if your free?

mrsconradfisher · 02/10/2024 21:48

Lots…slightly concerned now that it’s too much! He normally sends a good morning WhatsApp and I send a good night one. Then several messages throughout the day…but he’s always been like that as is DS2 so nothing unusual.

Summertimer · 02/10/2024 21:50

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/10/2024 21:21

My son's been home for a night already for medical appointments. He had a bad cough and seemed very tired, but generally happy. He texted tonight to ask how to cook broccoli and I'm torn between laughing at that and being made up that he's cooking veggies for himself!

I was asked to send an email with steaming in pan method for kale. But there was only spinach in the shop so I got a call asking how much quicker to just wilt 🤣

Bagualious · 02/10/2024 21:56

Daily for Ds2 but he is our second to go and this is his first year. We have a family group chat so it is all of us chatting on it. He messages Dh and I on our 3 person group chat to check things like what laundry setting on this machine as it is obviously different to home.

But we laid down the expectations before he left. I don't expect a police witness statement but did expect small updates like "joined e-sports society" or "first day of lectures was interesting especially X".

We will also face time him once a week like we did with his brother.

Original poster
RareitySparkles · 02/10/2024 22:09

He is too far away to pop and see him. He is over 500 miles away unfortunately. It would take all day to drive there and back. We booked into a hotel the night we dropped him off. No pets unfortunately to send snaps of either.

OP posts:
Juja · 02/10/2024 22:29

@RareitySparkles I can completely understand your worry. At this stage my DS oscillated between wanting to be an independent young man then a week or too later ringing needing help eg having lost his phone / wallet.

I’d keep sending the What’s App messages - have you thought of sending postcards? Good to keep the channels of communication open and when he’s ready he’ll be in touch. And he’ll be back for the holidays.

Pottingup · 02/10/2024 22:34

DS is in his second year. He’s a pretty self sufficient person but last year we did video calls a few times in his first week and then about once a week during term time. I’d expect the same this year. I just message him and say when good for a WhatsApp call. Really don’t think it’s unreasonable to invite this every 7–10 days for a catch up.

AndThereSheGoes · 02/10/2024 22:48

Never in yr1. He would respond ( eventually) when I messaged or rang.
He didn't want my judgement/ help or something because he was fine.. We have good chats now in year 3 now he understands I don't worry about what he gets up to.

ApolloandDaphne · 03/10/2024 06:54

It's not just boys. I have two DDs. DD1 kept in regular contact when she went to uni and was close enough to come home once a term. DD2 went 400 miles away and mostly maintained radio silence for the entire period. Even now she is not great at keeping in contact. She is great face to face but doesn't really do lots of messaging or phoning.

thekrakenhasgone · 03/10/2024 07:06

I told my DS before he went that I would like like a weekly phone call at a a time that works for him. He's been good about that - looks forward to it it seems.
We have random WhatsApps too

sixtiesbaby88 · 03/10/2024 08:01

We used to do wordle and WhatsApp each other when we'd solved it. This opened up a little gap for short replies, but also WhatsApp shows when someone was last online - quite reassuring when our DC was suffering with MH problems

Kitkat1523 · 03/10/2024 08:06

Baglessvacuous · 02/10/2024 20:53

Twice over the first year, the first time in February, the second, just before the end of the academic year.

Not even WhatsApp messages in between that?

AutumnDecor · 03/10/2024 08:26

My son started uni last year. He calls/FaceTimes at least once a week for a proper chat. He texts lots of days too.

Original poster
RareitySparkles · 03/10/2024 08:45

Ds tends to call dh if there is a problem not me. Its a bit tricky knowing if he is coping OK or not. I guess no news is good news. Hopefully if he comes back for Christmas I can try again to ask him to set up a schedule for contact.

OP posts:
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