DS sailed through his first year. The work was easy for him and a lot of it was revisiting A level content to allow those who hadn’t studied A level content to catch up.
His second year has been a wash out. He was looking forward to getting his teeth into the real subject but it quickly became apparent he wasn’t attending lectures or practicals.
By the end of October I was losing my patience, he kept reassuring me that all was fine, he’d had flu early on and was also struggling with scabies that he’d picked up in Prague over the summer. The night time itching was causing lack of sleep and I later found out that he was embarrassed by having to itch constantly and didn’t think he could sit through a lecture without scratching. He was also concerned about passing it on.
He wasn’t going out unless dragged out by his flat mates. Living of uber eats because he didn’t want to leave his flat. He was spiralling down and finally rang me one Monday morning in tears saying he had got ready to go into his lecture but couldn’t leave the flat. He told me he “ didn’t want to be here” and he wasn’t referring to uni. I immediately contacted Wellbeing and they rang him within an hour. He had already accepted that he was having problems and had made a plan on how to tackle it. Admitting he was struggling was his first step, he had a chat with Wellbeing and they were happy that he wasn’t a risk at that point.
He came home early for Christmas and had a few nights out but mostly stayed in and we talked. Over the last 4 yrs he’s had to deal with a lot of stuff that most of us don’t experience until later life. I was diagnosed with breast cancer as he started sixth form, six months later DH had a stroke, three months later FIL died ( 18 months after a catastrophic stroke) and then during DS’s first term at uni my younger DSis died rather unexpectedly.
DS described it as one adrenaline bomb after another and the lead up to the start of his second year ( same time of year as my DSis and my diagnosis) triggered him.
To the outside work he successfully masked everything but he had become very irritable. Fortunately his flatmates are old friends from home so recognised that it wasn’t normal behaviour for him. They kept a close eye on him and after Christmas they have joined him at the gym . He knows that physical activity has a positive effect on his mental health and he has steadily improved.
Unfortunately he will fail his second year. He was reluctant to suspend his course because he wouldn’t have access to lectures and content online. He has been in touch with his tutor who now knows his full back story. They haven’t chased him for work or instigated any action. Luckily we are in a position to support him financially.
He has recently discovered that his best friend has had a similar year and has deferred his course. They have always been close but had drifted this year mostly because neither wanted to burden the other.
Hopefully he will be able to retake the year. One of his flatmates is in his first year so will have another two years to go. This means DS will have someone to live with in his final year.
It would have been easy to step in and organise therapy /support for him, but he was determined to work through it himself. Maybe it’s better that he has developed coping mechanisms and is now aware of the signs of plummeting mental health. Better that it happened now than when he’s already working.