I know she's an adult, I know some MNetters will think I'm pathetic, but ...

[Womblealongwithme]

How the actual hell do I stop feeling so upset about DD going away to university? I'm excited for her and I most definitely want her to go, it'll be so good for her, but how do you stop the worry?

I've seen so many posts on MN over the years from people saying 'get over yourself, an 18 year old is an adult blah blah blah' and I know all of that. She's been 18 for two weeks and I'm feeling so devastated about her leaving. She doesn't know any of this, I would never let it show because it's an exciting time for her. She's just lovely to be around. She also has a long term medical condition to manage completely independently (which, to be fair, she has been doing for a while now).

I don't even know why I'm posting this, I've just walked into our utility room and it's packed with stuff for her to take and it felt like a punch in the stomach.

I do sympathise with you. I found the anticipation worse than after the event. Had a good cry as we left them then somehow it wasn't so bad. Missed them for sure but not in the heart aching way I'd expected.

Hope you're ok x

My Mum was the same, it’s normal! I have seen a Facebook group recommended on here for parents feeling the same as you - it’s called WIWIKAU

I feel the same, although I will make sure DD never knows.
I think that its hitting me worse because I lost my Mum last year and don't really have any more female family so the 2 women I spoke to daily and bored with the minutae of life won't be around.
I still have DH and DS here but while I love them both its not the same relationship and I will miss DD so much but I am so happy and excited for her that shes going to be doing something she loves after what hasn't been a smooth path for a variety of reasons.
Big unmumsnetty hugs for all Mums whose "babies" are off to uni xx

It’s hard at first. My 19 yo moved out at the start of this year. He’s 4 hours away. It gets easier. FaceTime, he comes home when he can and I visit. Most importantly, he's happy. I don’t worry quite as much now as I dud initially.

Is she your only DD? Or your youngest?

These feelings are normal of course because her leaving has left a hole. Literally, there is an empty space in your home where she used to be. And now the time you spent with her is empty.

She's moving on and you are left behind. We all know that cavernous feeling of emptiness after bereavement - whether it be the loss of a person or a pet and what you are feeling now is that isn't it?

That awful feeling of loss.

So, I think it is ok to sit a while with old photos and memories, sob your heart out but do put a time limit on your grief and start filling that hole!

Because your DD is not gone. She's changing and growing. Like the Abba song - slipping through your fingers.

Get yourself a new hobby, a pet, meet pals, go out on some date nights, book a holiday to look forward to.

Anything at all - i would suggest trying something completely new which will take you into a new social circle and really busy your mind.

Keep in touch with DD of course - but let her lead the contact and be happy to hear about her new pals and life.

This is not the loss of your DD, just the loss of a part of Motherhood and that little girl she once was where you were everything to her.

She will be back. And you will be proud of the adult she has become. Let her go, with pride.

And get to work filling that hole!

She’ll be back for Xmas before you know it. And (with the marvels of smartphones) you’ll be in touch regularly…think what it was like for our parents! Not unreasonable at all though to feel how you feel, I’d say it was a symptom of a great relationship!

Perfectly normal to feel sad, but don't forget that it's also a wonderful thing. You've done it - you've raised her to a point she can head out on her own, medical condition and all. Good job, well done both of you.

Milestones and new phases are often bittersweet.

@Womblealongwithme

It's perfectly natural to feel like this.
My son went last year.

I adopted him when he was 8 and he was in special school. It was doubtful that he would even do GCSEs. I am so incredibly proud of him but I really wasn't ready to let him go.
I cried at the drop of a hat for a week before he left. I cried buckets when we said goodbye. I cried when I saw his toothbrush in the bathroom. I texted him twice a day, to say goodmorning and goodnight and at other times to check he had done specific things - he has ASD so needed a bit of support with some things
We are very close so I really felt like I'd lost my right arm.
But after a few weeks it settled down, I found my new routine, my new normal. I had a 13 year old foster child who kept me busy. The texts dwindled to when there is something to actually say.
On Monday we are going to get the keys to his rented house. He is so excited and happy.
Yes I'm going to miss him, but we have had a fabulous summer and it's time to get back to life. A bit different for me this time as I will be home alone for a month or so. So I will go to the theatre, gigs cinema and have a good time until the next foster child moves in.

It'd the end of an era, but you wil be fine. And it's OK to feel how you feel.

I totally get you here. My eldest daughter and I had a close relationship and would chat about everything and anything. She was my confidant and I was hers. She left home to live and work in Ireland with her boyfriend and it was so hard at the beginning. I missed her being around everyday and felt a real sense of 'loss' that she was no longer in my everyday life. 2 months later my Mum died suddenly and without warning. I lost 2 of the most important females in my everyday life in the space of 2 months. It was truly an awful time for me.
What helped when my daughter left was the regular contact and then when I could see how happy and settled she was it made me feel better and it got easier.
I am now about to go through it again with my youngest daughter. She heads off to uni 2 weeks today. I am not looking forward to her not being here everyday and in many ways I don't feel ready for it. But I am so proud of her and excited for her too. I know the first few weeks is the hardest and then it will start to get easier and I will look forward to her being back at Christmas and it will give me something to focus on.

It’s a tough time op. And I wonder if your DD’s health condition makes it more so? My DD also has a long term health condition and it’s meant that, at times, our bond is especially close. As she needs me more intensely than she would do otherwise. There’s extra parental worries that come along with this situation.
but you’ve done a wonderful thing in raising and preparing your DD for her independent life.
it will get easier in time 🌻

I struggled a bit when my second DD went to uni. Just because they are adults and ready to go doesnt mean we dont miss them.
We had a year of empty nest and now DD1 is back living at home for her masters.
I found a new hobby ( sewing) to distract myself a bit, and enjoyed going for meals out with DH without having to pick somewhere that suits DD1 ( vegan) and DD2 (fussy vegetarian). It took a bit of getting used to. It's hard to settle into a routine as uni holidays can be quite long, and with 2 away they have holidays and reading weeks at different times.
With both DDs we do a weekly video chat to catch up. When we first dropped DD1 we agreed a day to call and not to expect contact before then, so she had space to settle a bit.

You are anything but pathetic, OP. You can’t stop feeling what you’re feeling. But you can trust that those feelings will subside. I was a mess throughout DS’ year 13. And then he left for uni and it was a bereavement. He didn’t settle in immediately and rang home often, sometimes crying. And then friendships began forming, the excitement of sinking his teeth into his subject (in his case, architecture) took over, and consequently the loneliness lifted for us both.

Knowing he was happy and excited was a thrill for me. I wasn’t losing him. He was just growing and becoming his own person, a fully fledged adult.

Make your first lunch date together before she goes. I found that really helpful. After about a week, we met for lunch near DS’ uni and just had a great time together. It connected me to his new terrain. This is harder if your DD is quite far front home. But if you can carve out a Saturday together on her turf, it really helps you both. She’ll need you in those early days. 💐

Thank you all for being so lovely. She's my only DD and my youngest. My DS's are amazing and I adore them - I would feel the same if they were going. I think it's just that DD and I just kind of 'click'. She always says that we're two parts of the same puzzle. There's so much stress and anticipation with uni visits and A levels, waiting for results, getting the results and now I feel 'Oh, she's actually going now'. 😂

I hear you! It's so hard. It's like a line is being drawn under their childhood.

If it's a comfort, DD is about to go into her 2nd year and I can't wait for her to go back. It seems only yesterday I was praying she was offered a place not too far from home. It does get easier.

there was a good article on this recently:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/25/i-miss-my-adult-children-so-much-it-feels-like-grief

I know so many friends who were emotional wrecks in the run up but actually found they got used to it quite quickly. I think the anticipation is worse.

Oh, it is hard, because you just can't imagine not seeing your daughter everyday, because she's always been there. Honestly, the anticipation is worse. I felt sick whenever I thought about it. I wallowed and allowed myself to be sad a couple of weeks afterwards but then enjoyed knowing she was where she should be. It's amazing how you go from dreading them going to looking forward to them going back in the space if a year or two 😀

DS went last week; he's my only child and it's been utterly horrid without him. I just miss him. Drop off was awful, but I made a date to see him after 2 days to bring more stuff from home (this was always the plan, I didn't impose myself on him) and could see his student room slowly becoming a "home", rather than an empty box. The house does feel stupidly empty but we've got some gigs coming up that he's going to be coming home for. I'm looking forward to seeing him already.

He's ready to do this, and ready to be more independent. I know this, and know that (hopefully) as parents we've prepared him as best we can. I'm incredibly proud of him, but it doesn't stop it hurting that he's not here. And I could honestly win an Oscar for the brave-face I'm putting on.

The long term medical condition, naturally as a parent you will have this extra worry on top. I get that. my DD1 she had SVT episode when she was 15. Thankfully shes not had one since, but I did still worry about her. And she was 19 when she started as she was one of the oldest in her class. It was so hard, but had to restrain myself from making contact in the first week. She did text asking where I packed the fairy lights, but we kept it short as I didnt want her to feel homsick, no matter how much is was killing me. Four years later and she is going onto a phd, but Ive got used to a pattern of her contacting. We facetime twice a week. And we see each other in person every couple of months. I actually became more involved with mums net for a bit lol. It did actually help, and binged watched netflix too. After a couple of weeks I was feeling much better, and had a visit planned to focus on.

My DD goes at the end of the month. My eldest left at 18 - not to uni so he didn't come back. At 21 he isn't just an adult by age but by action: he works, pays his bills, taxes/services etc his motorbike, makes sure he goes to the dentist every six months... no input from me! That was not a sad parting as we realised domestically we have our own way, and they clash! Every time he visits I'm reminded!
Anyhoo - when I left to go to uni abroad it was back in the dark ages pre-internet and mobiles. I also only had access to a pay phone. So it was the occasional letter. I admit that while I did miss home a bit, I didn't give my parents' feelings a second thought! My mum must have been worried, or was she? She went to boarding school and uni the other side of the country (in the 1940s), she worked abroad in a non English speaking country after she qualified. Maybe she thought well that's what kids do so no point in stressing! I can't ask her now.
I'm excited when I see my DD excited. Yes she's worried she won't like the people, but after doing a standalone Art Foundation year, a month abroad doing work experience, she is far more ready emotionally and maturity wise to handle stuff like homesickness and loneliness. And she knows she'll be back in 11 short weeks for a month long break. I can handle that!

You'll be amazed how quickly you readjust. WhatsApp allows for the sharing of the boring minutia of daily life. And you know you wouldn't want her to be at home just because her being away makes you sad.

Just wait until one of your offspring decides to move to Australia.

@Hillarious That is a very good point. No matter how much I miss DC, the thought of them staying at home BECAUSE I miss them is 1000% worse. Can you have FOMO on their behalf?

No FOMO really, it's not that I don't want her to go, I really do because I want her to have her own experiences and find her own way. I loved uni and the best time, I want that for her too. It's purely selfish of me, I'll just miss her face. You're absolutely right though, I would hate for her to stay just because I'd miss her, that would be much worse!

I'm very sad and tearful (when something catches me)... she's my best friend. But I'm also really excited for her about finally being able to take a leap towards the independence she is so ready for, and going to live in an amazing place to study something she loves. I am hoping and praying she loves it from day one - knowing she's happy will make it easier for me.

@Womblealongwithme , what you are experiencing is grief; the childhood stage with your daughter has passed. Recognise your emotion and be kind to yourself. I remember this so well and it was agony. You will worry about her and miss her badly, I cried for days and days both times. Hopefully she’ll keep in touch but don’t be surprised at how much she prioritises her new friends and how redundant you may feel.I found being uninvolved with my sons education really hard initially. She’ll be back soon enough with a heap of dirty laundry and lots of things to tell you. University holidays are long 😁.
Make the most of this time because she’ll still be coming home and she hasn’t done needing you yet.
You have my sympathy, sending a big hug. X