Son thinking about dropping out

[Villy22]

I really need some advice on how to help my DS.

DS did his A levels during Covid, he didn't cope very well during Covid and became quite anxious.
He still managed to get A*AB in Economics, Politics and Maths.

The B in maths wasn't enough for the universities that he wanted so decided to take a year out and retake maths.

Unfortunately, he didn't manage to get a higher grade so he wasn't able to go to his first choice.
He worked hard at a job he loved during this time and managed to make some lovely friends (something he has always struggled with.)

He secured a place at a good RG university to study Economics BSC.
During this time he started getting depressed and we arranged for him to see a therapist, which has helped enormously.

To my absolute shame and due to a variety of reasons I suffered a mental health breakdown in August 2022 and was sectioned.
I was in hospital for 4 months and the guilt of not helping my son weighed heavy.

My DH and wonderful family helped him move into student accommodation and he continued with his therapy.

He didn't handle the first year very well and obviously it didn't help that his mum wasn't there to support him.

He admits he was very depressed but seemed better in year 2, having made some close friends and finding a job where he is.

His university are aware of the problems but he has only just started seeing the mental health team.

He had an exam yesterday and he couldn't complete it. He got very anxious and walked out halfway through.

He admits he hasn't really put in the work, he is very bright and capable but I just think it has found him a long time to find his feet.

He seems so much happier now but this has really knocked him and he was so upset.

He feels that his only options are to either drop out or retake the last year.

He is worried about retaking as he already is a year behind his friends due to taking a year off. But also thinks that if he drops out he has wasted 2 years and will have a lot of debt with nothing to show for it.

Im really struggling with how to advise him. I feel he should retake a year but worried maybe it's not just for him?

My mental health has taken a huge dip again as all the guilt and feelings that I have let him down have resurfaced.

The time when I should have been strong and helped my son I let him down.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

He is clearly struggling and can defer, he e walk away for a year and see how he feels later. Tell him to immediately contact student support. They will go through his options.

it may be that now is not the time for him to be at Uni. If so, he might be able to ‘cash in’ any credits he’s already earned.

Thank you@Validus

He is in contact with student support but only in the last few months.
He seems to be finding his feet now and has enjoyed the last few months.

He is very bright but I would say he was a bit immature, physically and emotionally.

His therapist has suggested that this could be ADHD but it would take ages for a diagnosis and he is worried about "jumping on the ADHD bandwagon."

I think he would be open to retaking the year, we are organising private tuition for him but he is seeing this as a failure.

Is second year all exams? Has he already sat some of them? How has he achieved so far?

Ideally he should try to pass Y2 if he can, which may be possible if he’s already completed coursework or exams? He may also be able to resit in summer. He doesn’t necessarily need to resit.

WRT his mental health, there’s no shame in suspending studies for a year to get himself right. But he should be going back to the support team to discuss all this and see what’s possible.

I keep hitting submit before I mean to! Bloody app.

given he is struggling with mental health he also needs to look into the mitigating circumstances procedure at his uni for exams or assessments at the moment while he’s struggling.

First of all do NOT feel ashamed at having suffered a mental illness! You would not feel ashamed of getting appendicitis. I am sorry that you have had to go through this.

It is important that he does not feel that his 2 years have been wasted. During his gap year he enjoyed his job and became more skilled at making friends; and his first year at uni has taught him a lot about himself and his strengths and limitations.

It is important that he goes forward into the next stage of his life feeling positive, rather than regarding himself as having failed.

He needs to see a gp today or asap and explain how he’s struggling and the impact it had on the exam. Pay for a drs letter. Put in for extenuating circumstances with the letter as evidence. Get advice from personal tutor regarding this. He should be able to resit rather than need to do the whole year

I think he needs to talk to his personal tutor and inform himself fully on exactly where he is academically. On what basis does he assume it's a choice between retaking the year and dropping out? Surely there's a possibility that he's passed some of his assessments/exams this year, and can take resits?

My son struggled like this at uni. He is incredibly intelligent but struggled to focus and with the social side of things. He really was so low that I didn't care about uni at all. He left and came home in a pit of despair. Over the last couple of years he has gone from staying in his room at first to working full time and volunteering on his days off. The work is not even 10% of what he is intellectually capable of but it is what he needs right now. He's improving slowly but surely. It's all very difficult but ultimately I thought he might kill himself and that put everything into proportion rather starkly. He is absolutely lovely and it's very hard to see your child struggle. We decided patience, love, kindness and support combined with some gentle nudging in the right direction have been working.

Hang on it's one exam, why would he need to drop out or retake the year? Most universities do retakes during the summer months for each year for exams. Which year is he in? I had to retake some of my uni exams it isn't always the end of the world if it's just one or two exams.

I would be more concerned if it was his final year but if not then it's probably not a big issue, especially if uni are already aware of his issues.

He is in his second year, he is already retaking some exams in the summer.
He has been behind on coursework and is now getting mitigating circumstances.
His therapist has sent a detailed report to the university.

He has improved so much in the last 6 months mentally. Enjoying where he is and doing well at work. He is a manager and works really hard but loves it.

He feels that if he carries on he will only get a 2.2 or 3rd. He is a bit of a perfectionist and said its not enough and would like at least a 2.1.

He said he is so far behind that he would still struggle retaking in the summer.

He admits that he procrastinates and has not made much effort the last few years. But he has improved so much in the last 6 months mentally and is making more of an effort to socialise and has made a few really good friends.

He was fine until the age of 17/18. It was like he was going through puberty.
He hated his parents and lots of door slamming and arguing.

I think he thought when he went away it would be wonderful but really really struggled in the first year and spent most of the time in his room.

I do feel that he resents me a bit for not being stronger. But I physically and mentally couldn't do it. I think the final straw for me was the pressure to take him to uni, my DH did put a lot of pressure on me saying that he wanted his mum and I would regret it (which I do.)
But I just couldn't do it, I lost 3 stone and would wake up each morning physically shaking.

Hi @Villy22 yy firstly please do not feel ashamed of seeking treatment for your own ill-health. As @Mischance says, you would not apologise for being hospitalised for appendicitis or a broken leg. Well done on getting the help you needed. I know it's hard to see it as such but it is a positive thing.

Secondly, your DS. I echo much of the advice on here. Was it just one exam? I would be surprised if the uni doesn't allow him to retake in the summer. Has he done other exams or coursework submissions - how were they? Or does he had more too come - in which case he might be better to resit the year - usually more than possible.

My DD struggled massively midway through her second year and thanks to her wonderful tutor and her uni in general was able to get extensions to all her work (all coursework, no exams) and spent the summer getting on top of it. She was also offered the chance to restart year 2 but wanted to try to complete it. She ended up graduating as planned the following year with a fabulous first. I'm not telling you this to boast but to show how it's more than possible to turn things round.

Get your ds to speak to his tutor, his GP and see where he can go, what optiosn there are. I am sure as he is bright and did the first year OK he clearly has ability and the uni will want to support him to stay. Best of luck to you both.

Sorry @Villy22 x posted with your update. I still say speak to tutor to see what he can do.

I think he thought when he went away it would be wonderful but really really struggled in the first year and spent most of the time in his room.

I utterly hear you on this. It's so hard. I hate to diagnose via the internet but is it possible that he may be ND? Bright kids can hide it so well.

my niece dropped out a few years ago because she hated her course. She'd gotten the highest in her school and I think she'd have dropped out sooner if it hadn't been for the assumption that because she did so well she had to do a 'top tier' kind of course. She is now working with animals and happy out and I'm so proud of her for not doing more years of aa course she hated. Op of course this is only my opinion and other people have other ideas, but (imo) being happy is the most important thing. I've heard too much in the past three years in our locality of teens ending up with the most severe mh issues or worse. This is not your fault and its not your son's. I hope he figures out what makes him happy and you as a family do too. Huge huge hugs Xxx

I am an academic and former RG admission tutor.

I also think your DS is missing some options here, OP.

Firstly I am very sorry for what he is going through. I am glad to hear he is doing better, but I must ask very gently how much better? You say procrastination is still a problem and it is a recent exam result that prompted your posting. So even if DS has made a lot of progress, it sounds like he has further to go.

Health first. The single biggest mistake vulnerable students make is to underestimate their problems. Then things snowball and circumstances compound intrinsic problems. It sounds like DS might really benefit from sorting himself before doing Y3. I realise that puts him 2 yrs behind his friends, but in the scheme of his whole life this is really nothing. He needs to shift his perspective to think of this as an investment in himself. I know that’s much easier said than done.

At my university, you can apply to retake a year. If the Mit Circs are really compelling you have a decent chance. But this is one of the most difficult requests to have granted, precisely because otherwise it would be the preferred option of everyone on a 2.2 or a 3rd.

I mention this because the tone of your post may (or may not) suggest that the decision rests with DS. I don’t know of an RG uni where that would be true.

However if DS does not like the options available to him at his current uni, it is worth investigating whether - once he has regained his health, which will be a mayter of concern all around - he can transfer as a Y2 entrant to a new university. That may mean a longer delay but as you can tell, I think it worthwhile.

Student Finance should pay for this

MH is a bear. Very best wishes to DS

PS Very best wishes to you too, OP. Please don’t feel guilty. Illness is illness.

Hi again , OP -

Who is worried about ‘jumping on the ADHD bandwagon’, your DS or his therapist? I am guessing your DS.

Untreated ADHD causes a huge amount of suffering snd underperformance amongst students. To decline the chance to do something about is just stupid. It is like declining to treat your asthma or diabetes.
(I am not advocating any particular treatment)

Also the university is standing by ready to help if a diagnosis come through

Best wishes to all of you

Thank you all so much for your replies.

He really has got better mentally. His therapist has suggested he has ADHD. But we have not gone down the formal diagnosis yet.

He is a lot happier when he is home now, engages with us more and joins in with family stuff.

He really has been through a lot, secondary school bullying and not fitting in.
He was thinking about transferring to a Uni close to home, but we are in London and he said they are either super elite or poor unis?

Even that I am not much help because I am very poorly educated and the whole university thing is so alien to me.

There are universities closer to London that have a good reputation but are not elite. Surrey, Sussex, Essex, Royal Holloway. Maybe he could transfer but as others have said, see if he can be supported to retake seeing as he is now starting to make friends etc

Thank you@poetryandwine yes the ADHD bandwagon statement came from him.

He does so signs of it and it was reinforced by the therapist. But to have an actual assessment is not possible for us privately and NHS waiting list is long.
He is 21 and only just now seems to be maturing physically, something that also caused him tremendous angst. But his therapist said this is also a sign of ADHD.

It is a bit difficult because my DH is against testing ( a whole other story!) and doesn't want him "labeled".

I agree he is still having problems but he has really really improved in the last 6 months. We were walking on eggshells the whole time and couldn't have a conversation with him without an explosive argument.

He still has a way to go but is still seeing the therapist and he helps a lot.

He hasn't wasted his time and he doesn't need to drop out. There are usually retakes at the end of the summer. He'll be referred to those. He may find his mark is capped (we cap referred assessments at 40%) but if there are solid health reasons, then he'll likely be able to retake as a deferral, for the full range of marks.

But he might find a year out of study would be useful. He could go back to the job he enjoys, just release the pressure valve a little, and do some maturing so he knows what HE wants to achieve. You say he said he hadn't done the work - maybe he's in a situation where it's difficult for him and he needs to decompress a bit.

I think we push young people through a lot of pressure t achieve, when they might benefit from taking things a little more slowly. He won't "waste" that year - it'll give him the opportunity to do some essential maturing & growing up, and regaining of confidence.

I do feel that he resents me a bit for not being stronger.

This is tough, but he needs to be in the position to study for himself, and to motivate himself, not need support which is unreasonable.

And yes, it is unreasonable of him to expect that his mother jeopardise her health to do something his father can easily do - take him to university (goodness, in my day we just packed & caught the train ...)

@Turmerictolly

He would have to move away for those, we are in Central London.

When we spoke about it he said he was so much happier where he is and is now enjoying the City.

This is too bad. What about Queen Mary?