Son thinking about dropping out

[Villy22]

I really need some advice on how to help my DS.

DS did his A levels during Covid, he didn't cope very well during Covid and became quite anxious.
He still managed to get A*AB in Economics, Politics and Maths.

The B in maths wasn't enough for the universities that he wanted so decided to take a year out and retake maths.

Unfortunately, he didn't manage to get a higher grade so he wasn't able to go to his first choice.
He worked hard at a job he loved during this time and managed to make some lovely friends (something he has always struggled with.)

He secured a place at a good RG university to study Economics BSC.
During this time he started getting depressed and we arranged for him to see a therapist, which has helped enormously.

To my absolute shame and due to a variety of reasons I suffered a mental health breakdown in August 2022 and was sectioned.
I was in hospital for 4 months and the guilt of not helping my son weighed heavy.

My DH and wonderful family helped him move into student accommodation and he continued with his therapy.

He didn't handle the first year very well and obviously it didn't help that his mum wasn't there to support him.

He admits he was very depressed but seemed better in year 2, having made some close friends and finding a job where he is.

His university are aware of the problems but he has only just started seeing the mental health team.

He had an exam yesterday and he couldn't complete it. He got very anxious and walked out halfway through.

He admits he hasn't really put in the work, he is very bright and capable but I just think it has found him a long time to find his feet.

He seems so much happier now but this has really knocked him and he was so upset.

He feels that his only options are to either drop out or retake the last year.

He is worried about retaking as he already is a year behind his friends due to taking a year off. But also thinks that if he drops out he has wasted 2 years and will have a lot of debt with nothing to show for it.

Im really struggling with how to advise him. I feel he should retake a year but worried maybe it's not just for him?

My mental health has taken a huge dip again as all the guilt and feelings that I have let him down have resurfaced.

The time when I should have been strong and helped my son I let him down.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

@poetryandwine I'm sure he looked at this and they required AAA with maths the most important.

Can you ask your DH to explore his views on ADHD with a professional? For me the question is, why would he not want his DS to have every legitimate chance to succeed? The diagnosis will be kept confidential and given out only on a need-to-know basis at university. Afterwards it is for DS to reveal or not as he wishes

Sorry about that OP

@poetryandwine
The problem is we don't have the funds for a private assessment and the NHS waiting list is huge.
My DH wouldn't stop him having it but is also not encouraging it.

I would advise trying to complete his Y2 exams and then talk to the university about taking a year out before going back to complete Y3. Final year is stressful and I think if he doesn't take the time now to work on his MH he would struggle. He's still so young another year out won't hurt and he could work which might boost his confidence.

I know the NHS makes things very difficult. One idea, although I don’t hold out much hope, is that your DS can contact the Office for Students with Disabilities - this might not be the exact name. They may have ideas for him based on the therapists’s letter (this is less farfetched). A few universities have their own diagnostic networks or pathways to particular providers for students. That is fairly rare however

I have just spoken to him. The one he took yesterday he will definitely have to retake.

He has already deferred 2 exams until August. He has another one on Friday which he is not ready for.

He said that he doesn't want to spend the summer retaking these exams and then be exhausted going into year 3.

He thinks is best option is to retake the whole year. He has a few really good friends who will be in their last year next year and so doesn't want to take a year out.

He is 99% sure they will let him retake the year but is going to find out tomorrow.

He has been told to speak to our GP when he is back so they can send a report to the uni and he wants to try and get an ADHD assessment. If I have to get a credit card or loan I will find a way to pay for it.

He felt so ill yesterday in the exam he doesn't think he can face doing one on Friday.

I'm so sorry that both of you have been through such a hard time.

There's actually a lot of positives about his progress in your posts.

I struggled with depression and anxiety the whole way through university. I also nearly left after year 2, and I was so glad that I carried on. It feels like a huge achievement to get there when it has been a struggle.

It doesn't have to be perfect and smooth sailing (ie done in 3 years straight) to be a success.

to you both.

@TryingAgainAgainAgain thank you 💐