Daughter wants to give up an d start again

[MoreUniWoes]

My daughter is having a miserable time at the uni she is currently attending. She's in first year. She recently applied through UCAS to the one she really wants to go to and got an unconditional offer... but it is to start again - not a transfer to second year because the courses are incompatible despite being the same subject. If it makes any difference, the new uni is considered better and her current uni was her safe. She got into her first choice but ended up not going there. She has three A's at A'level.

She wants to give it all up in the the next few weeks and come home and prepare to restart uni again in September. She says she'll work, save money for next year, get her mental health back etc

When we spoke yesterday, I was all for her staying on and finishing the year and looking at it as a something positive rather than negative. I've said that she will probably never live in that city again and maybe this is a good chance to just enjoy it.

On reflection this morning I'm not sure who is right to be honest. She's in private student accommodation so I know we'll still have to pay all that. I wanted her to leave with some positive thoughts and positive experiences but maybe that's just not being realistic. I'm also not sure what the financial implications will be if she gives up now (I will look further into that of course).

I had an inkling about this at Christmas as she came home with a carful of gear and didn't take some of it back. And we had spoken about her trying to get into second year at this other uni so none of this has come as a surprise really.

I just don't know what to do for the best. She's an adult and I'm not into forcing her to do things, I want her to be happy, especially since she has self harmed and needed counselling in the past. She also has ADHD, only diagnosed a year ago. I also don't want there to be harsher financial implications because I think she should make the best of her time etc!

I'm speaking to her later today and wanted to hear other opinions really.

I think she should do as she plans. It is not worth her mental health to stay somewhere that is making her so unhappy. If she's going to start again in September then there is no benefit to carrying on. If it was earlier on in the term I might have been tempted to see if she could stick it out a bit longer (nerves, anxiety, settling in issues etc). but from what you've said she has given it a good shot and it's not the right choice for her to stay.

I think you should certainly support her to come home, it sounds like coming home and getting a job etc will be a much more productive use of time than languishing in accommodation and not enjoying a course just because the year has been paid for. Since she's had MH issues there should be no hesitation here really. The other course sounds good and she would probably end up failing the year anyway if she's being forced to be there so why stay? She probably needs the boost to her self esteem of returning home and getting a job and preparing for the next year etc rather than feeling like a fish out of water where she is.

TLDR I'd have no hesitation in supporting her to come home.

I'm in Scotland so not sure of the funding in England, but my son moved to a new degree and is doing another first year. Under the Scottish system students are allowed to do that, and get another year of funding. It has been the best decision for him, he found first year hard due to personal issues and this repeat year has been a much more positive experience. I'd let your daughter come home and work to earn a bit of money as long as you think she will still feel able to go to the new university in September.

DD gave up and started again. Best decision ever. She came home, had time to think and research the best options for her. Worked, which contributed to her CV; explored volunteering which helped her decide her future direction; did some travelling.

Yes she did have to carry the costs, but these were spread over several years and in the long term were negligible vs the benefits of her reorienting to the right area for her.

Awww Op, this is tricky.

This must be a struggle for your DD, if she’s having a horrid time then staying longer won’t really make much of a difference and may even turn her off the course altogether!! she sounds very much into the course which is why she’s looked at another uni & tried to solve her problem.

Is there any particular reason she is having a hard time? Like bullying or anything like that?
or is it down to being homesick? If it’s more the fact she’s away from you, this might be the case this time next year on the new course.

However I think it’s wise to do as you say an look into the financial repercussions etc as that may help ease your mind.

I wouldn’t force her or make her feel guilty to stay if she’s happy to start again next year - life is all about second chances & new opportunities. If she ends up being much more happy in the new uni then she will have a far better experience all round.
I don’t think staying to see the year out will make her experience any better, in fact it will probably make her even more miserable, as she doesn’t want to be there.

although she’s an adults she’s still young and probably just wants support from her nearest & dearest at the moment.
I hope it all works out for you & your DD

Let her come home and work on her mental health.

You may be able to get out of the accommodation as once she is not a student any more, and gets a job there are council tax implications.

I've known a few people do this and it has worked out well.

Surprised she was able to reapply without giving up her current course. Were the offer uni clear that she could not carry credits for this year over assuming she completed it? Or was the discussion on the assumption she dropped out? Many subjects differ from one to another. She will already be liable for fees and rent this year so she may as well stick it out if possible.

Just to say that (if you haven’t already) it is worth discussing the fees situation with the university. Some will allow you to withdraw at this point and only pay 2/3 of the year’s fees instead of the whole whack. Usually it is 1/3 of the fees if you withdraw before Christmas and 2/3 if you withdraw before Easter but it does vary between universities.

My DD did similar - it was the best thing for her. She came home at Christmas, got a job, joined a couple of classes related to her hobby, got on with driving lessons and really grew up. Sorted out a few medical issues as well and was in a much better place all round when she started a new course the following September. she is loving uni now.

I would support her in coming home as she sounds miserable there. Her mental health is the most important thing at the moment.

Thank you all for making me look at this differently. I'm not sure if she has spoken to anyone in this uni but I know she spoke to the new one before applying for September entry.

She's not homesick but I do think part of the decision to move universities is to do with a few very good friends being there who were also in her band - she misses playing in her band more than us I reckon (she's been playing guitar and mandolin for more than half her life and is really good). She says she also felt she couldn't go there as her brother was there and she didn't want to copy him. She says she doesn't want to live with her old friends though, and wants to go into halls and make new friends.

It's mad really. Back when we went to all of the five uni's that offered places - I said that I thought that the new uni was a really good fit for her.

I'll quickly start looking at the financials too.

I'd support her with it, sounds like a win win decision

I would encourage her to come home but to sort out all the uni stuff whilst she is still there, talk to whoever she needs to to quit the course and find out about finances re tuition and accommodation costs. She has tried it and doesn't like it so why stay on for any time at all? A pre uni visit as good as it is doesn't not really show what living there, studying there, socialising there is truly like.

Yes, she should do it!

My DD was in exactly the same position. She tried so hard but she was so unhappy. She left in the Feb and started somewhere new in the Sept. She went into halls with other freshers and it was the best thing she could have done. She is having an amazing time now and doing so well. Also, because she knows how bad it was before, she can see how good it is now. And the first uni experience is not wasted because she has some idea of essay expectations, citations etc, so all good experience.

She was also newly diagnosed ADHD so for the new uni (and student loan) she was able to apply for a disability allowance which has helped her massively as she was able to access software that has helped her with organisation and note-taking and also gives her some extra exam time at uni as she has processing difficulties.

She also managed to not have to pay the last terms accommodation and last third of fees - (tell the current uni asap, they may be able to help. )

Anyway, It's actually termed a 'false start' and is not uncommon.

I'm impressed that she has a sensible plan for a fresh start. Apart from the financial implications she has stated what she needs to do- come home, regroup and be ready in September. I would absolutely facilitate this. It is great that she can recognise and articulate what she needs.

How did she end up not going to her original choice Uni?

My daughter did the same in September, did her 1st year then changed Uni's and had to restart in Year 1. I was rather against it to start with, mostly from the wasted money aspect but she is much happier where she is now. It seems its quite common to do this.

I do still feel quite sad about the money aspect, she'll have an extra year of tuition fees & maintenance loan to pay back. Also personally speaking, the extra living expenses that I gave her from my very limited savings were wasted.

Will the band definitely still be going and will she still be welcome. The trouble is with a year away from it they may have gone in a different direction? It would be awful if your DD is banking on the band going back to the way it was if it might not.

Agree she needs to have realistic expectations and bear 8n mind she will now be a year "behind" her friends. Are they planning to get accommodation together while she is in halls?

Hi, OP -

Former admissions tutor here. I was all for your DD’s plan until your second post, which I will return to. The good news is that amongst both our own transfers in and specifically my own tutees, and also within my family, I have seen time and again that such second chances usually work out, often very well indeed.

Your DD’s plans sound excellent. My only caution would be that when there is health to be regained this really needs to be the priority so as to make a strong start. Prioritise that during this gap. I don’t know how serious her MH is, but if she isn’t fairly robust it may even be worth seeking a deferral at the new uni.

If she is English Student Finance will make a loan for a year longer than the length of the degree, so if she did not do a Foundation Year that side of things sounds fine.

Now, the caveat. DD’s reasons for wanting the transfer are not our concern: whatever will help her to thrive is good. But does she know what has been happening with her old friend group? Does the band still play? Sorry to ask, but is there still a place in it for her? Is the friend group still tight? Often the old groups from high school loosen as students make new friends.

To summarise, what if she arrives to the new uni to find that her reason for going there no longer exists? Or are there other motivations you haven’t mentioned?

Best wishes to DD.

Shout out to @INeedNewShoes and @LIZS for raising my concerns first. I had not RTFT

Thank you for this very considered post. I had a really good, long chat with her this evening and lots of points were raised and discussed.

She is already feeling better now that I have said "come home as soon as you get things sorted." Well, I'll be going to get her because she has so much stuff.

She's still very tight with her band mates. They were best friends from year seven way before they started a band. The band actually split up when they were still down here due to the usual differences so while the singer and keyboard player are at the new uni, there's no regular band that she wouldn't be welcome in, if that's what they all want to do. The new uni's city is just more music orientated as well which she loves. She won't be moving in with them, she wants to be in student halls so she can make new friends and knows the various buildings really well due to her visits to her old friends and her brother so she's at least not venturing into the unknown.

Her much loved uncle is also quite near the new uni so that's another positive. He'll be so happy to have her close, they have a very good bond.

She is very aware of the financial implications. I'm actually quite proud that she is very solutions driven - she sees a problem and works out how to fix it So when asked about all the logistics she was already on it. I'm naturally miffed about the rather fancy student digs that we will be paying for for the rest of the year, not gonna lie. I wonder if I can use it as a bolt hole...

Her health is the most important thing so we'll be making sure that she's very supported and has access to counselling - it was a very positive experience before and we still have the counsellor's details so if that's something she feels she needs then she will get it.

She says she feels like a massive weight has been lifted from her shoulders now and she sounded so much happier when I hung up. Let's hope she can put the disappointment of this first year behind her and have a good fresh start.

I'm very glad to hear the positive experiences of other students who had a false start. In fact, one of my son's housemates did exactly the same thing at almost the same time of year and couldn't be happier now so I have everything crossed that my daughter will find the same joy.

And honestly... I'm quite looking forward to having her home. I was not enjoying this empty nest lark much.

I remember having a complete crying fit when talking to my dad about going back for the second semester. My fault I had let them believe I was getting on ok. But after the break I couldn't face it and it all came tumbling out. But fees had been paid so I did go back. I was miserable the whole time and counted the days. I failed a module and did poorly in most of the others.
I then took time out, worked and travelled. Then started again in a completely different subject, a bit older, a bit more mature. I knew not to expect much from the 'uni experience' and just saw it as a means to an end. After that awful first year I had an ok year, a not so ok year, a real roller coaster year, then a great year before I graduated. My parents were very supportive; it's only now having kids myself that I realise how much I must have worried them.
Let her come home.

Sounds promising, OP!

That sounds v positive. On the halls choice - to soften the blow of shelling out for pricey halls, next time she could consider going for a cheaper option, one where they have to share bathrooms and a kitchen.

DD was in a fancy halls first time round and it was so isolating. She chose a cheap as chips, 10 to a floor, sharing one bathroom set-up at her new uni and it was a kind of 'hysterical bonding' experience in which friendships for life were made.