To think there must be something I can do?

[Burna86]

I know there is a University thread but posting here for traffic.

I had a full mental health breakdown which resulted in 2 suicide attempts.
When I was in A&E they said they would have to let DS school know.

DS was in year 13 preparing for ALevels with A* A A predictions.

I was then sent to a psychiatric hospital for 4 months. I am on quite strong medication and my DS has been amazing.

DS received results and got BBB, really disappointed but was last year when they were apparently marked down.

He took a year off and decided to apply for university this year. When I spoke to the school about the situation they said if they had known DS would have received special circumstances and been marked higher.

Apparently it was too late to do anything but they said some universities will accept lower grades for special circumstance's.

DS was told to apply for 2 High Universities, 1 middle and 2 that would accept the lower grades.

He has been offered the 2 low ones, declined by the middle one and nothing back from top 2 which really are a push anyway.

DS has been an amazing support to me through a very difficult time. I'm just so angry with myself for putting him through all this and not notifying the school at the time.
DS would never have asked for help and always seems chilled but he is very sensitive and bottles things up.

DH remembers a phone call from social services checking on DS but was also obviously all over the place and told them things were fine.

I just feel utterly distraught that I have messed up my sons future and really not sure if there is anything I can do?

DS did seem disappointed when mid university declined, they asked for AAB so is sure the top two will also decline.

Im just feeling so so sad that I have messed up his life.

Thank you for reading

A "mid" university is not AAB! That's a high one.

In March of Y13 my dad nearly died due to an undiagnosed illness and required very high risk surgery. It was a very slow road to recovery and I was his carer for a lot of the time whilst my mum worked.

I was predicted AAB and got BBC. I re-applied to university during a gap year and got into a good university doing a good course. (this was late 90s so grade boundaries much lower!). I really enjoyed it, and I'm now quite sure that this was a far better option than my original plans. The workload was no doubt better, it had more of a practical element and the people I met were amazing.

Just because sh*t happens and plans change, doesn't always mean it works out for the worst.

So think of it this way, you haven't messed up his life, his life is just following an alternative path, which is not necessarily a bad thing at all.

ps - you could see if the school could phone up the mid-university and explain the circumstances.

They did this for my brother who dropped a grade in one of his A Levels and missed out on his uni place (He got AAC instead of AAB). The head teacher phoned them and explained he was an exceptional candidate and they then re-offered the place. Incidentally, he had the paper re-marked and it turned out to be a clerical error. He was actually 2 marks of an A! He completed university with a distinguished first class degree.

You didn't mess up his future. Going to the university is not the whole of his future and sometimes an average university is better than the top one in terms of both teaching and pastoral support.
I left school without qualifications and applied to uni at the age of 32. Nobody even asked me about my grades (or lack thereof) and I was accepted on the strength of my application and my professional experience. I have two degrees. None of them are from the Russel group unis and yet I had a blast while studying and have a job which I absolutely love, not to mention I have a lot of experience under my belt from working in my 20s which helped immensely with studies and post-graduate job applications. I couldn't be happier with my life at this juncture.

Thank you for your kind replies.

I just feel so guilty 😞

Has your DS contacted the admissions people for the courses at all? If not, then he's got nothing to lose by doing so. They may not make an offer but they might have thoughts on clearing perhaps.

Thank you @ErrolTheDragon

No he hasn't, I did suggest this but he is saying he is not bothered.

He always tries to brush things off and has said my breakdown has not affected him. I know he only says this to make me feel better :(

I was in hospital a long time and he has gone through a lot.
Just the thought of what my suicide attempts made on him makes me so so sad

I feel like contacting them myself but know this won't look good.

He wants to study psychology, especially after seeing his mum so ill.

I know you've said you've posted in AiBU for traffic, but I'd suggest you ask MNHQ to move the thread to the Higher Education board - and perhaps with a slightly clearer title. There are people who post there who work in admissions or other uni roles who can give you good advice - they're more likely to notice and respond to a thread there.

Sorry, OP, but you don't know why he says what he says. "Mind reading" is one of the many many things people with negative patterns of thinking do to themselves. You need to take what he says at face value. Having to convince someone with your level of guilt that things are OK is very straining on friends and family. You will do him a massive favour by letting the past go and getting some therapy.

Thank you @ErrolTheDragon
How do I do that please?

Really??

Do you not think I'm getting therapy?

I don't go on at him, it's my opinion and I'm expressing it here.

Just use the Report button on a post (yours or my suggestion) and ask. (Report isn't just for bad stuff!)

@poetryandwine can you help with this (former admissions and incredibly helpful)

This.

However, as the first reply said AAB isn't really a 'mid' university.
If he already has his grades, then applying at Universities that make offers higher than that seems like strange advice. IME the advice is to put in an ambitious application before you take your exams if you think you might make a grade or two higher than predicted. If you have BBB then applying for an AAB course would be ambitious, not 'mid'.

@NewName24

We do understand that but the school said some universities will accept this under special circumstances.

The fact that what he went through whilst taking exams and the caring duties he has been carrying out.

Im cross that I didn't speak to the school earlier because they would have helped him more and his paper would have been marked higher :(

Thank you @ErrolTheDragon

Following with interest as my dd dropped some grades after her brother attempted suicide and she refused to apply for special circumstances. She took a gap year and is taking another A level.
I have to say, we are not over stressed for her; dh is an academic and in his opinion we are very fortunate in the UK to have such a lot of good universities that many of what we consider mid to low ranking universities are actually very good - you can have a great student experience, be well taught by world experts in their field, and sometimes the fact the university is not competitive means that since there are relatively few keen and top class students if you are one of them you can get a lot of individual support and attention from your lecturers. What happened is a pity but it’s not an irrecoverable disaster in the great scheme of things.

Also one of her best friends who got AAA chose a low ranking university because it’s near home and is loving it. Ranking is not everything.

(that was meant say, her friend who got A star A star A)

Thank you @TheCountessofFitzdotterel
and I'm sorry you had to go through that with your son x

Thank you Burna, and sorry to you too, it must have been so hard.
But well done on raising such a fabulous son. He sounds wonderful. You must be so proud of him.

Just to check he has communicated this to the universities and asked for special consideration in his application? Did the mid range one say why they wouldn't consider it?

The university with the highest entry grades is NOT the best university for DS.
There are many other factors to consider when assessing a good fit.

Also, I'm not sure if DS would have received special consideration. I think there has to be some crisis occurring on the day of exams. My own DS had terrible MH problems of his own during the exams and for 4 months previously- but no special consideration when exams were marked.
He was allowed to sit the exams in a smaller quiet room but that was it.

Don' t beat yourself up. We are all doing our best for our kids- but some of us have been dealt a better hand. DS will go to university, and hopefully will have a fabulous time. Best wishes to you with healing and recovery. Look after yourself.

Thank you, @Brancherana

Hi, OP. I am so sorry for what you and your family have been through. I hope that all of you are feeling better about the future now, although I can imagine you may feel that there is still a long road ahead.

Your DS sounds a lovely guy. I do believe some sort of mitigation is still available to him, if he wants it, just about anywhere. But it may take a little while to enact.

If you don’t mind, answers to a couple of questions would help. When were the attempts relative to DS year(s) in school? Eg were they both Y13? Did DS do substantive caring?

Many unis will consider re-sat A levels without penalty. Some, such as Imperial and Oxbridge, require proof of Special Circumstances. DS has certainly got this, but if the main issues were during Y13 (or even one time was then) and if he can be classed as a child carer, it does help. Still, I think he has a good case no matter what. Of course he will need documentation. The official Special Circs appeal may need to come from his school.

Even if there is a uni I am not aware of that is rigid about never accepting resits, querying the admissions team with these circumstances may lead them to re-think such a ridiculous policy.

As part of his query (and you are right, much the best that it is his) it would be important that DS briefly indicate why he is in a better place now. Emailing the admissions team is the best approach as this will need to be routed to the correct person and they will want to respond thoughtfully. Also it will be good for DS to have a record of the reply. Everyone is very busy; he should wait a week if there is no response before writing again.

The problem with this plan is that it involves resitting, hence another year’s delay. I agree with PPs that there are some great students everywhere. But Psychology is very competitive and I am not sure whether you are saying DS wants a PhD? If so I am not sure how significant his choice of UG uni is? Perhaps other MumsNetters know? (I don’t think you need a PhD to be a good counsellor; I am trying to see this from DS’s possible perspective).

I have had personal tutees loathe to add to any problems in their own families and OTOH I know plenty of young people who would thrive at a less demanding uni. There is nothing wrong with that! But they may not want PhDs in very competitive fields. I’d like to be wrong about this implicit restriction so I hope someone knowledgeable responds. (I am in STEM)

I think whether it is worth resitting A levels (and putting the time in to fulfil his potential) may come down to what DS sees himself doing after uni, and how much the reputation of his UG programme will have to do with his next steps.

Wow, sorry that was so long. Happy to answer any specific questions. Very best wishes to both of you.

@Yesssssssssss I am very sorry about your DC’s MH problems. But, harsh as it sounds, universities do view DC’s problems differently from parents’ problems. OP’s DS has been functioning to some extent as a carer. When this rises to a critical level, it is formally flagged.