Should parents or dc contact the universities?

[Watermelon999]

…… regarding admissions information, course information or general enquiries, eg about accommodation?

I have tried to ask this on the WIWIKAU facebook page but it has been rejected, not entirely sure why!

I have been advising dd to contact them herself (being nearly an adult) but it seems many parents do it for their dc? Obviously I may be able to explain things more clearly, which could be more productive in the long term, and I don’t want dd to be disadvantaged. But on the other hand, I want to promote independence.

does it seem a bit odd if parents do it for them or do universities expect this?

Look stuff up for them online - yes. Contact the university if it's not clear - always the student.

I’d help if asked but contact needs to be made by the student.

This

That group is full of nutjob helicopter parents. Definitely your child should do it

Uni won't speak to you. This time last year I attended a talk with my DD about the UCAS process with an admissions officer from a local uni, she said there is a box on the form that kids can tick to give a parent the right to discuss their offers and things - she said it can be useful if a child is away on a gap year half way up the Amazon or whatever and needs a parent to accept or something on their behalf.

I'm really not sure how it works with accommodation though, DD wasn't 18 until the end of August 2023 and had accepted her halls offer in June when she was still 17 and not legally able to enter into a contract. As we are in Scotland, some of the students are even younger - one of the girls in her flat won't be 18 until summer 2024.

Help them understand their situation, what they want to enquire about and give them the confidence to deal with the issue themselves. They'll be dealing with matters on their own once at uni.

And as for the helicopters on WIWIKAU . . .

Obviously there may be issues with finance and accommodation where kids may need parental support and input ( eg being guarantors for shared rented houses) but that's a very different matter to finding contact details on uni websites and emailing questions. They may need a bit of encouragement to realise it's something they can do - with some guidance if necessary. Probably quite good for their confidence especially if a bit of a dialog ensues, particularly if they're likely to be having interviews.

Same sorts of thing re open days too, in spades!

I wonder if the helicopter parenting is teaching these young people learned incompetence so that their mothers still feel needed?

I wonder if it's contributing to the levels of anxiety among young people - they are getting the message that everything in life is too difficult or too dangerous for them to do on their own.

The student should do all of the contacting imo, with support from the parent as required - e.g. sitting with them while they make phone calls if that makes them feel anxious, helping them to draft emails if they don't know what to say, brainstorming any questions that they might need to ask etc.

If a young person is capable of coping with the demands of a degree course, imo they should be capable of navigating their way through the admissions process, with appropriate support if required. This is part of the whole experience in my opinion and parents do their offspring no favours in taking over and doing stuff for them. As far as humanly possible, the goal should be to support the young person to be able to do stuff for themselves.

Of course, there will be some kids with significant disabilities who will always need some support and won't ever be able to be fully independent. I'm not talking about them here, though I still think the same basic principle applies that they should be supported to do as much as possible for themselves.

I strongly suspect that you're right. Some parents are inadvertently teaching their kids that they aren't capable of coping with whatever challenges the world throws at them.

Wiwikau has changed then. It used to be more general advice and help, rather than helicopter parenting.

I think there’s a middle ground. I supported my dc, encouraged him to look uni, made some suggestions, read over personal statement, visited uni with him etc. However, he did the contacting, decided where to go etc.

Completely different to the eighties when we decided everything and visiting a university (or poly) was an excuse to have a day out with your mates, and a day off school! (I guess the difference was that we generally got grants then, so parental money was less involved).

Part of the process of becoming a fully functioning adult is of course, recognising you may need to ask for help or advice - and even that your parents may be useful in this regard!

Let your child take the lead. Obviously you can help with proof reading for instance but my view is that if they aren't ready to take responsibility emailing at nearly 18, I'm not sure it's wise to go into university in 6 months time - take a gap year, gets some real life experience then go to university. It was the making of my dd who has autism, she needed to gain skills before university

@Watermelon999 Is the bulk of info not on websites? Most are amazingly comprehensive. They do say what subject might be required at A level, give details of accommodation and course info. My DDs never needed to contact a uni about anything. It’s also quite normal for boarding school dc to have a day off to visit a uni without parents in tow. Self reliant dc can find the answers they need.

Yes. You do want to promote independence. What does DD need to know that’s not on the web site? Is she capable of exploring the web sites to glean info? Have you/she been to any open days?

Also nearly every late summer born dc is entering into contracts at uni before they are 18. So? What difference does it make to anything?

Of course parents who post on the other site might be expressing their needs. Quite possibly dc cannot wait to live independently at uni and cut the strings!

@TizerorFizz I agree that most information is on websites but, sometimes it is useful getting people's personal experiences of halls though. For example the one hall that was catered at DD's university had fixed meal times and not great food. A university isn't going to state that on their website.

I admit to getting irritated with requests from parents asking about half term (seriously!) and term dates in general because these are really easy to find on university websites. To be fair most of them get told to look at the website.

I've made my DD contact people herself about all sorts since she was about 13 eg doctor, dentist, hairdresser etc.

It wouldn't occur to me to contact unis for her and she'd be annoyed if I did, I think.

Yes, sadly WIWIKAU became bonkers. Completely taken over by mothers who have brought their dc up to be totally incapable. It is a shame, because it was such a superb idea and was a helpful group when I first joined. But I went through stages from it being helpful, to being a large number of parents being ridiculous, to being addictive in a sort of way, to being so completely ridiculous, so I left.

But even obtaining that kind of info doesn't necesitate parental involvement.

Once dd had decided which offer to accept for her first choice, she was onto YouTube and found loads of videos uploaded by students, giving virtual tours of their student accommodation and talking about the pros and cons.

She also went onto various chat forums to get advice from current students.

Most 18 year olds are digital natives and there's so much more info about now and it's so easy to find compared with when I went to Uni in the 80s and wrote actual letters to universities asking for a copy of their prospectus (I remember getting physical booklets delivered through the letterbox).

If we could navigate things pretty independently with a bit of parental support in the background, then today's prospective students should be able to do the same.

I worked in admissions for many years, in a RG and also a relatively low tariff uni. Most of my phone calls at both institutions (general enquiries, not asking for info on an application which is of course different) came from parents and it made no difference either way to how we viewed the applicant. Emails were more of an even split so I wonder whether it was a fear of picking up the phone by teenagers, rather than a lack of involvement.

Obviously teens should be encouraged to do this but I'm saying this as a parent of teenagers rather than as an admissions officer. Honestly no-one is keeping notes.

so I wonder whether it was a fear of picking up the phone by teenagers

Judging from the number of threads I read on here from posters who won't use their phone as a telephone it is probably learned behavior.

That’s a shame that WIWiKAU has become bonkers. It was a really useful resource.

@RampantIvy Thats so true about the phone not being a phone anymore. I can remember picking up a friend. We were waiting outside, so I said why don’t you phone friend, and he refused and texted him instead!

My DD did absolutely everything herself. We didn’t even know she’d applied to university.

I think that is odd. DD wanted to discuss it with me. Besides, due to train strikes she had no way of going to open days without me.

DD had fixed meal times in halls. Like school so not an issue. She didn’t expect great food. Her school did excellent food and although uni had the same supplier, they didn’t have the same cooks so the food was average. She was just pleased she didn’t need to bother cooking it. I just think my DC accepted life as it came to them. DD2 wanted en suite. DD1 didn’t care. But I and they didn’t need to contact universities .

DR is vegetarian, loves good and is an excellent cook. It is a hobby for her, so eating indifferent vegetarian food in catered accommodation was a deal breaker for her. It was one of the reasons she ruled Nottingham out.