Second year accommodation woes

[Wotrewelookinat]

Hope it’s ok to post this here as it’s not an academic thing, but my daughter was seemingly getting on well with her flatmates in halls, they’d go out together, hang out in the kitchen together etc, and 5 out of 7 of them have excluded the other 2 (DD and one other) and organised a 2nd year house together. They were told after contracts had been signed. DD has been on the phone in tears. She feels let down, is worried she won’t find anyone to live with next year, plus things have become really awkward in the flat now and the group of 5 actively avoid hanging out in the kitchen. The other one is quiet and is planing to live alone next year. I don’t really know how to help DD. I’m worried she’ll feel really lonely in her flat for the rest of the year.

Any advice/reassurance gratefully received. Thank you.

Oh no that’s horrible OP!

The organising of accommodation can be really stressful. They will have all only been in student halls a month or so together so to make plans and decide for the following year so soon is really tough.

There’s a few bits here really

my advice in terms of the house would be, did OP get on with them before hand? If she did I would advise her that people can make difficult/rash decisions and to try and move past what’s happening next year. Maybe if there’s one she can speak to about how she still wants to remain friends to try and get them to not avoid living areas. Or give an olive branch to the group and invite out for something and act like she doesn’t care.

If she doesn’t like them and didn’t ‘click’ that much (clearly they have been a bit insensitive/isolating/immature at best) it may be worth her speaking to the uni about whether she could switch accommodation if something comes up.

She’s only a month or so in, plans change and friendship groups evolve. This will be a massive knock but hopefully things will get sorted and she will find her people. I would advise her to throw herself into societies (never too late to join some), chatting to people on her course and trying to meet other people outside her housing as they are clearly a bit cliquey.

There will be a way (maybe on Facebook groups I have no idea how) to find out about people looking for another housemate for next year. She will get it sorted and it’s best to keep and eye out but not panic. There will be 3rd years looking to replace someone who wants to do their own thing etc. The uni should be able to support with this kind of thing as it must crop up loads.

So sorry she’s been upset OP and appreciate its not the stress she wants or needs ❤️

As it's still well before Christmas, all is not lost. Yes it's a blow to feel excluded, but she has to live in her current accommodation for another 2.5 terms, and so pragmatically she needs to find a way to get on with them all. You can perhaps help her to see that.

Trying to take it as impersonally as possible might help. If a place was found for 5, then of course not everyone in a 7 will fit - there are very, very few places large enough for 7, so regroupings were bound to happen.

Had she been talking to them about next year? Because it will be much harder if one/more than one of them lied. But I suspect there was nothing that deliberate. And telling her earlier would have made no difference, so perhaps you can encourage her not to dwell on that aspect.

Of course what she needs to do now is start looking for accommodation. Yes, daunting, but once she starts it'll get easier. Things for her to try (better if she comes up with them for herself, but if she needs it, nudge her)

• find out if she can apply for Halls again. If so, do so, and this will be the fallback.
• start conversations with people on her course about future accommodation - let people know she's looking
• ditto with fellow members of clubs and societies
• enlist the 5 in her flat to ask around on her behalf (ie multiply her network by theirs)
• find out if the SU has any form of "dating service" whereby those who are short of one for a new property can advertise, and those still looking can hunt.
• find out how digs are advertised - living as a lodger might suit her

No advice, but sympathies. So hard!

my daughter latched on to a group as she was trrrified of being left out, ended up flatting with them and they turned out to be a bunch of rednecks

dreadful year

get onto the fb page, and there will be plenty of people trying to fill rooms

good luck

Good advice from@Squiggles23.

Only thing to add is that if flatmates continue to ignore her then it might be possible for uni to switch her to another flat for next term (and take quiet girl with her if she wants). My DDs uni has quite a lot of one term abroad outgoing/ incoming students so there is scope for others to switch.

I think your DD should focus on deciding what type of accommodation she wants in the second year and she and the other girl could get together with a couple of others in the same situation. Or your DD could ask people on her course or in societies she attends. I have grim memories of student houses. If there are any reasonable private student halls in the town/city your dd is in I would consider those as an alternative to student houses.

This happened to me. Best thing ever in the end.

Check if her uni has resident advisors (RA's) these are older students who live in halls and basically you have a few duties such as, being a fire warden, being contactable during unsociable hours, being a go-to for first year students.

The bonus was the rent was heavily subsidised and I made true friends, who I'm still friends with over 20 yrs later. Anyway the girls who excluded me ended up falling out with each other and the house they rented was falling apart.

Yes, in the beginning it's heartbreaking, but in the long run, she will be better off not living with a bunch of b

Good steer about becoming a resident assistant. My DD has done this from 2nd year onwards (saves working out who you want to live with each year).

Loves it. Saves me a fortune. Although as a downside has been first responder for one very serious incident (although was well supported after) so bear this in mind.

My dd lived with a friend from 6th form who was on a related course , a guy from her course and a guy from her friends course, neither lad had accommodation lined up but didn't know each other. Worked out really well, especially baring in mind this was through covid lock downs, they really gelled

I think panic sets in with some first years that they are going to be left out if they don’t sort something quickly.

Unless she’s at a uni where there is a genuine shortage of student accommodation she still has lots of time.

What about people on her course? Or any clubs/groups that she’s joined?

Thank you all SO much for your replies and helpful suggestions. It seems that there is one female flatmate who has instigated this and the others have gone along with it. I am hoping DD will come to realise she has ‘dodged a bullet’ as this flatmate has been unpredictable and argumentative in the flat already, and has often ignored DD even though they are on the same course and sometimes walk to lectures together. I have mentioned that they have probably rushed into this, signed a contract and it may well all go t*ts up.

@hairyunicorn DD has looked into being a warden, they do it at her uni, I will reassure that it could be a good option for her.

@Squiggles23 thank you. I have suggested she just try to talk to one of the group when they’re on their own to try to clear the air and find out reasoning.

She does go to alot of societies, but feels she hasn’t got to know anyone well enough yet to talk about living together. I have also suggested she go to chat to the accommodation office as this must happen alot. After all, just because 7/8 random people are put together by the uni, it doesn’t mean they’ll be friends for life, or even get on ok.

I will pass on all your suggestions and supportive comments to DD. thank you again.❤️.

Ds was put in a similar position, thinking he was part of a group looking together, but in the end the accommodation had fewer rooms. There were lots of students on group chats looking for sharers and he found a room in a house with others from his course. Remained friends with the first group but was glad to be on the periphery of their activities.

This is really tough. I think students are often anxious about accommodation and the minute someone talks about it and starts initiating a search, the others latch on as they fear being left out. Many people end up with those that later they wish they weren’t going to live with. And as soon as one person starts looking and spots properties are for 4 or 5 or whatever, they immediately feel they have to exclude anyone outside of that number….it feels like the survival of the fittest and the only way to get a group and somewhere to live is toquickly form a small group and reject the others. And then once it’s All signed, of course it’s embarrassing to tell the excluded what’s been done and they respond by hiding away or feeling annoyed with the person they’ve excluded, because it makes them feel awkward and uncomfortable.

There are 2 issues - managing in the flat with these Perone for the rest of the year and then finding accommodation for next year.

Regarding the latter, there is time to find a different and better group. As others have said, societies, her course, Facebook are all options and it is often possible to return to hall if that feels a better option. As a first year, I decided my ‘friends’ weren’t actually going to be my lifelong friends and went back into hall for the 2nd year and made far better friends the following year, although I did stay in touch with the first year friends.

Regarding the rest of this year, I think finding a way to co-exist and move forward with these existing flat mates is really important. Despite the fact they’ve been mean (and they know it, even if they won’t say it) DD might benefit from being openly friendly to them and as a PP said, offering an olive branch of initiating a social event and being cheerily bright and breezy - breaking the ice and getting beyond the awkwardness is important. Not seeming hurt will help. At the same time, DD needs to branch out - clubs, course mates etc, so she is broadening her social circle and isn’t so reliant on the flat mates. They are still going to be a big part of her life this year, so making it workable and friendly if possible will make things better, but hopefully as more friends emerge, she will feel less reliant on them and naturally be able to break away. But really she probably neeeds some other friends first to feel confident doing that.

Really sorry OP. I can imagine it made your heart break. It’s like seeing the mean girls in yr8 all over again, with their nasty excluding tactics, and I know that as a parent you want to rush in and give them. Piece of your mind and gather a lovely bunch of your friends for your precious DD, but know you can’t and feel helpless.

Versions of this will be happening across the country to new first year students who’ve only been there for about 5 weeks! I think never in life again will they need to decide who to live with based on so little time. It brings out the worst in lots of them in what is a dog-eat-dog housing situation.

Your DD needs to hold her head high, rise above it and be gracious and keep her eyes peeled for nicer better people and believe she’s dodged a bullet. It will work out, even if it’s hard to see that at the moment.

@Wotrewelookinat How tricky and unpleasant for your DD - she must be feeling very let down.

My son ended up in a less than ideal flat share in his second year due mostly to not being organised in his 1st term. In the end it worked out fine, some 1st years don't return and he was asked to move in with friends he made in the 2nd and 3rd term. In the end he stayed in this less than ideal and simply socialised with people in other flats.

@Bahhambug funnily enough, this is what DD has decided to do. She’s planning on living in a private hall in a flat with a couple of coursemates. Seems much less stressful than trying to find a house, and about the same cost.

@Wotrewelookinat
So pleased it has worked out for your daughter. My ds is at the same stage. All the best.

Happened to DD. Twelve in the flat and eight found a large house together. DD was very upset, but it was a blessing as about six weeks into the second year the group had a mammoth bust up and things got steadily worse.

DD mentioned at sports training that she had no one to share with, and two others admitted the same. They and a fourth found somewhere just before Christmas. Having sport in common made it much easier, though actually various rooms came up through the year so she would have been fine.

DD1 had this problem. 4 out of 6 stayed together and replaced DD and one other girl with mates from school. DD was not very upset but felt excluded. Again. This was because the others organised a skiing group without her. Writing on the wall really.

Fortunately she was in a traditional catered hall and had made lots of friends. DD and her excluded friend quickly found 4 boys to share with and all (bar one) are friends today. The original 4 and the school friends then lived in a noisy area so DD was relieved her group were more discerning. She could pretty easily avoid them in the hall too but once she was settled with the new group they just rubbed along together but that just meant making a late night toastie and sharing a bathroom.

The only way out of this is to speak to anyone else she knows. Being a warden is a bit lonely. It’s a shame the other girl doesn’t want to share. Who does dd know in other flats? Ask around.

Tizer, I think the suggestion is that she apply to be a Senior Resident. Not a Warden. (For what it’s worth Bristol got rid of warden’s some time ago.)

I don’t see why being a senior resident would be lonely. You are living in halls. Just getting a cheap deal in return for some responsibility. DD is still friends with the senior resident in her first year. I would have though it was a reasonably sociable way of both finding accommodation and saving money.

@TizerorFizz thanks for the reply. DD is now sorted as has booked a private hall. 2 course mates had booked a room each in a flat of 5 and suggested she join them. Seems like a perfect solution for her. She has her own space, but there’s a large communal kitchen and lounge area, plus no stress with a private landlord etc.

At her uni (Bangor) the warden role means no accommodation fees, living in a flat in uni HOR and being on call one night a week, plus a once a week kitchen check role. She liked the idea of this, but you have to apply and don’t hear until March whether you’ve go the job, which felt too late to then be booking other accommodation if you don’t get the job.

She’s massively dodged a bullet- my daughter fell out with group at the start of 2nd year after contracts had been signed was a very difficult process to get her out and find a replacement.

does she have friends on her course can she see if they are looking for a house?

@Wotrewelookinat Sounds like a solution! Friends do appear.

Do be aware private halls can be draconian regarding cleaning etc. Hopefully new group will respect the flat. My DD1 had two great private landlords. Don’t believe that all students have issues! They don’t. At least Bangor has 2nd year flats.

The issue with being the warden is that no one is in the hall is your age. Others have all moved on. You are the “Billy no mates”. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s inevitable if you don’t have your friends around you. It’s actually quite a tough place to be.

Ahh. My daughter had taken a gap year so she and the senior resident could be Billy no mates together!

It also depends on your perspective. Private halls and private landlords will often be keen to protect their investment, so may be stricter on parties and cleaning. Some students will prefer this to the environment with University run halls.

That’s really tough. I was really surprised that my DS had already chosen a house and housemates in October this year, Took me by surprise as I had to pay a deposit on top of halls fees. He said everyone does it this early as the best houses go. It feels like very early days in terms of friendship groups etc.

It is really tricky and upsetting, but not everyone wants to live with their first year flatmates moving forward.

It's still early days, has she made friends on her course or through sports etc?