Second year accommodation woes

[Wotrewelookinat]

Hope it’s ok to post this here as it’s not an academic thing, but my daughter was seemingly getting on well with her flatmates in halls, they’d go out together, hang out in the kitchen together etc, and 5 out of 7 of them have excluded the other 2 (DD and one other) and organised a 2nd year house together. They were told after contracts had been signed. DD has been on the phone in tears. She feels let down, is worried she won’t find anyone to live with next year, plus things have become really awkward in the flat now and the group of 5 actively avoid hanging out in the kitchen. The other one is quiet and is planing to live alone next year. I don’t really know how to help DD. I’m worried she’ll feel really lonely in her flat for the rest of the year.

Any advice/reassurance gratefully received. Thank you.

DD in similar position though it’s not turned nasty just a bit of resentment. 6 in flat, and we thought she’d fallen on her feet with a group of tidy, quiet, pleasant girls who enjoyed each other’s company with some low key socialising. She assumed they’d look for somewhere together but despite our encouragement to raise the issue she didn’t want to be first to mention (she’s gets anxious about potentially awkward conversations). Turns out three have found a house with another friend. Other three found this out and said they’d all assumed the six would look together but seems all were too lacking in confidence to discuss sharing as a three. One is now looking for house with course mates. DD says too awkward to ask if she can tag along with them. She says her course mates (hangs around with some a bit but don’t socialise in evenings) seem to have found houses already. Other girl in flat is the most outgoing so not around a lot so not a good match for quiet DD in a flat for two.

I know I’m biased but DD would be a great housemate in that she’s clean, tidy and quiet. She’s perfectly chatty as long as others start the conversation. So really surprised she’s being left out. I can only think her quietness makes her seem a bit standoffish.

She’s only got involved in one society (too shy to join others) but not got past acquaintance stage as it’s a music society so they play rather than talk! She doesn’t drink or enjoy clubbing so although she joined her course society she’s only been to one event as all seem to involve drinking or clubbing. So no one there to join up with.

DD could stay in halls for another year but I don’t think it would be best for her - she needs to take next step into adult life. And they have to commit by Jan so can’t just be fallback position.

Any ideas of how I can encourage her?

@AliMonkey I assume your DD’s uni has an accommodation team? My DD is also quiet and sometimes lacking in confidence. I suggested that she go to talk to them for some advice, which she did and they were really reassuring, told her to take her time, research the options, avoid getting sucked into the panic. All things I’d said to her, but it helped to have someone ‘official’ saying it.

@AliMonkey If no one knows she wants to share they will assume she doesn’t. She could have asked. You cannot assume anything. DC will look for similar personalities and don’t choose someone who isn’t like them. Tidy might not be what they consider most important. If she’s very shy they might think she’s hard work and would prefer to be with similar people. Difficult isn’t it!

Thanks @Wotrewelookinat I had suggested talking to the uni accommodation team but that also felt uncomfortable for her! I'll suggest again though.

@TizerorFizz I completely agree with you that she has to speak up and had urged her to do so a few times - but it's not something everyone finds easy - and she also felt like "well no one else has said anything so I'll feel really awkward if they don't want to share". Re being with similar people, I agree she wouldn't be the right person for many, but really the whole flat bar one is full of relatively quiet girls who aren't into drinking and clubbing so she really should be the right person for them! It's not that they do nothing together - they go to dinner together in halls, spend Sat evening watching The Voice together eating pizza, do quiz nights, made Christmas decorations together for their flat. She chats to them quite happily, just isn't good at awkward conversations! My worry is that she'll end up having to find a room in a house where they're all friends already and just need one more to share with them, and she'll just be the odd one out or they'll all be loud and heavy-drinking and messy and not right for her.

I am trying to encourage her to join some other societies and try to make other friends that way, but as @Wotrewelookinat said, she needs to not panic, but it's hard when everyone else seems to be sorted.

Who else is on her course? Are they sorted? What about students from other flats? It is an issue when dc cook socialise and live together that a wider friendship group is more difficult to establish.

@AliMonkey your daughter sounds like mine. She's struggling with the confidence to broach the subject with anyone and most people she knows are already sorted. She'd love to share with someone like your daughter so I'm sure there will be others at her uni in the same position.

@loobylou44 I'm sure you're right, there will be others like them who'd like to share with them, they just have to find each other (she thought she had found them in her flatmates!), which is tricky when they are like your DD and mine.

@TizerorFizz She says the people on her course who she hangs out with all seem to be sorted (though I doubt she's asked them directly); she doesn't really know anyone in the other flats; she's never been one for big friendship groups, tended to have 2 or 3 good friends which in secondary school eventually grew to a group of 6 but took about 4 years for that to get established.

It's so hard when they've only been there two months so not surprisingly haven't got a huge range of friends, just people they know, some of whom they are reasonably friendly with but not exactly best mates. When I was at uni, at least we didn't have to start thinking about it until the summer term so had time to build friendships (and also work out who we wouldn't want to share with!)

Lots do have to think before Christmas now though. Undoubtedly taking a bit longer might mean living further out. I agree it’s hard but this isn’t new. 13 years ago when DD wanted to share at least she knew she’d had the brush off early. I do think shy dc with fewer friends are going to find it more difficult but I’m wondering how she cannot have met others in the same building. I totally see your concern and it’s a difficult one for young adults to navigate.

DD found she didn’t need to be best mates or close friends. Finding trustworthy people who were good enough was the goal. Not friends for life candidates.

@TizerorFizz My DD's are flats of 5-8, every door is a fire door so closes and they aren't allowed to prop them open (which I really think doesn't help them to get to know each other). Each flat has its own kitchen/sitting area. Each flat is off a stairwell, with one other flat opposite. Each stairwell has I think 10 flats in total. She has talked briefly to a couple of people in the flat opposite when they were coming out of their flat at the same time, and might occasionally see someone from another flat on the stairs. Otherwise, she's in the flat, or in the canteen eating dinner with flatmates, at her music society, quiz night (with flatmates), at the shops or at lectures. There's no social things organised at the halls, just the bar. I met my friends at uni standing in the queue for dinner, but then I'll talk to anyone. She wouldn't, and anyway is always with at least one flatmate in the queue. I can very easily see how she wouldn't meet anyone else in halls!

My advice would be:
Start talking to people on her course, making friends on her course and asking if anyone is looking to fill a room / team up
Secondly: style it out in Her current accommodation. Be cheery and friendly, say ‘it’s fine, I’m looking for someone with similar course interests’. Head high, not make the rest of the year a misery.
In the end no one is obliged to continue the random allocation of 1st year accommodation for the rest of Uni. Probably one of them found a place that had 5 rooms. Did your Dd do any accommodation searching?

Don’t they have parties? DD was always in other flats or social areas and other halls! I know dd1 was in a formerly catered hall so ate with all sorts from other blocks which was great for socialising. Didn’t they have “getting to know you “ sessions in freshers week for the halls? Usually this gets you started. I know my DD is someone who is gregarious but there were mechanisms for meeting others. I was relieved she found people who were ok to live with. More than ok really. I think you can get out of the flat if you want but you need to join in and that’s hard for some.

OP I see your DD is now sorted but just coming along to say something similar happened to me 30 years ago . I’m sure it’s not that uncommon although I felt ostracised at the time . I ended up having a great house share with another group and the original people I thought I was sharing with all fell out . Still early days for making friends .

@TizerorFizz i have twin DDs, both in first years in self catered halls with flats of 6 (different unis) and neither have had parties with other flats. They have both met plenty of people through courses and societies, but not through flat parties. They have both been happy about this as both quiet and studious and didn’t want to be in party flats

In that case I’m amazed they haven’t been included in their flat group. For others reading this, maybe it’s worth some broader form of socialising? At parties you don’t have to go mad but limiting possible friends is, well, a bit limiting.