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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

Need urgent advice from anyone working in a university (or who understands how they work)

43 replies

Hyli · 12/10/2023 14:10

Hi, my son is in his final year at uni, but lives at home. The background: due to serious health conditions, he has spent many of the last few years before university in hospital or doing online school, so lost all his school friends. He is a lovely person but hasn't made any friends at all at uni because he lacks confidence and doesn't drink or go out.

Anyway, this is the specific issue I'd like some help with. Everyone on the course (about 20 people I think) were told yesterday that they have to work in groups of 2 on projects for the rest of the course (until their time at uni is over). Everyone is now in a 2, with one 3, apart from my son, who is on his own. He seems crushed, but he's adamant that he won't inflict himself on any of the groups.

I totally assumed the tutor would tweak the groups and add my son to one, but he hasn't. I'm not totally sure he knows. Anyway, I'd like to send a calm email to this tutor, asking for his help in sorting this out. My son absolutely refuses to contact him. I know this isn't the done thing but to be honest, I think my son might drop out if he has to work alone for the whole year.

This tutor's name and email address isn't on the website. I can't find any contact details for anyone relevant. I've emailed the disability services but they will take 7 days to reply. How can I track down his details so I can email him asap? Will anyone even give me his email info? Is there anyone else I could contact? Sorry this is so long. Thanks

OP posts:

Bobletmcjoblet · 12/10/2023 16:30

I'm a head of department, and I'd be very upset to hear of a student in our department being treated like this. I would follow up discretely with both tutors, remind them of our responsiblities towards students with disabilities, and instruct them to find a solution. It would probably prompt me to write a department-wide email reminding all staff that the onus is on them to avoid such scenarios if they opt for set group work.
If I were you now, I would find the right contact in the department. There will be a head of department and likely an EDI/Disability Director/Lead. The head really should be publicly findable on the website - if not, there will be a departmental adminstrator who you can approach asking for the head's contact details.
Having said that, if I received such an email from you - I would reply saying that I couldn't discuss the student with you for privacy reasons! Which would be true. I would however follow up and look for a solution behind the scenes - both for your son and to ensure that something like this would be less likely to occur in future.

Glorifried · 12/10/2023 16:57

Is the uni in the UK? There must be some contact details, even if it's on linkedin or something similar.

Original poster

Hyli · 12/10/2023 17:13

Thanks so much everyone. There is good news to share. The disability services gave me the tutor's email. I emailed him to explain the situation, not expecting an answer, but he replied immediately! He said he had got the impression my son had wanted to be on his own (he was putting on a brave face of course). The tutor said he will put my son with one of the pairs next week (with a boy I suggested) and will be sensitive about it! I'm very relieved.

OP posts:

Pinkpinkplonk · 12/10/2023 17:24

I’m in tears reading this, I have a dd, also been and still is very poorly. Just restarting her first year. So watching with interest.

Xenia · 12/10/2023 17:43

That is very good news.

Scampuss · 12/10/2023 17:47

Oh that is excellent news. Well done.

PictureFrameWindow · 12/10/2023 17:47

Great result.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 12/10/2023 17:49

Whilst I understand why it's assigned, I hate group work. I'm a mature student and if we weren't assigned by the TA or lecturer, I'd never have a partner. In this situation, if I was in the 3 I would automatically offer to pair up with your son. This is vile behaviour. I have a Thick skin, but it is still a good way to make someone feel like shit.

I'd absolutely tell him to contact the TA/lecturer and if no success go higher. If they're aware there is a three, but also a one, they are as bad as the other students in my book.

Potentialmadcatlady · 12/10/2023 17:54

I’m so glad it seems to have been sorted.
Couple of things.. DSA support has been invaluable for my son ( serious health/medical needs like yours), they have treated him with respect and dignity ( much more than he ever got at school)… It is done on the down low so no one else knows about it if he doesn’t want them too. Try and engage him with them if possible esp in his stressful final year.
My son filled in paperwork so I can contact uni if needed but I use this very sparingly ( once in three years to do with essays due at same time as surgery and a very stressed out son- one email and all sorted very easily). Any other time he needs a bit of extra support I log on to his uni email and write the emails pretending to be him ( with his permission) and this helps keep him on the right path.
Wishing your son all the best.. it isn’t easy for them

poetryandwine · 12/10/2023 19:07

Brilliant news, @Hyli ! I was not expecting that. So happy for you both.

I am however really concerned that he is so against contacting Disability Services. Is it because he feels at this point he is not disabled? If so, perhaps a short course of counselling would help with his confidence?

He simply needs to find his feet. The intelligent thing to do is to make use of one resource or the other to do that. It isn’t about being ‘less than’ in any way, or a source of stigma and as PP have said the confidentiality is excellent. It is about using the available resources to develop yourself.

Very best wishes to your DS, who does sound lovely and sympathetic

Igmum · 12/10/2023 19:16

So pleased it's been resolved (fingers crossed). I'm an academic as well and this sounds like a dreadful situation very badly handled by the tutor.

Mytholmroyd · 12/10/2023 20:56

Hyli · 12/10/2023 14:37

Thanks so much for your replies. Of course, I've asked my son to speak/message/email his tutor since this first occurred yesterday. Begged him to be honest. He won't.

I can't find a siingle contact detail of a single member of staff on the uni website. There's a contact form that takes days/weeks to be answered

This is very odd - all the academic staff at my university have publically accessible web pages with their email address. As do most universities I know.

Mytholmroyd · 12/10/2023 21:06

Am so pleased you have managed to sort it @Hyli My heart goes out to you - it is so awful when a child is left on the edges of the group through no fault of their own💜I hope things improve and he finds his crowd.

404usernotfound · 12/10/2023 21:14

@Hyli I nearly cried when I read your update. So glad it is getting sorted out. Well done for advocating for him.

saltedcaramelhotchoc · 12/10/2023 21:54

You've had great advice here. I am glad it is sorted now but I feel for you and your son. I'm an academic and at my university we now have an app that students can use to make friends - a 'making friends' version of Tinder is how it was explained to us - because actually a lot of students now really struggle with making friends. It might be worth looking into that at your DS's university in case it's an option.

I would also as others have said strongly encourage him to accept support from student wellbeing/disability services. I can promise you he is far from alone. This generation is really struggling with social interaction.

Good luck; as a parent I would be so upset with this. As an academic I know it's more common than you might expect, but it doesn't make it easier as a parent to watch.

DrumKittyKat · 13/10/2023 10:52

I am so glad this particular issue has been resolved OP.

But thinking ahead, would your son agree to one to one sessions with a coach or therapist. To build confidence, learn how to interact with people again. If he is uncomfortable with ‘therapy’ would he agree to an assertiveness training course or some work coaching? I honestly think he needs to invest time in this now, otherwise these situations will keep on happening.

DrumKittyKat · 13/10/2023 10:52

I am so glad this particular issue has been resolved OP.

And he is lucky to have a mum who supports him and has his back!

uhtredofbattenberg · 13/10/2023 11:23

Great to hear this. Back when I worked in a uni, 10 years ago now, they took disability support very seriously, so the tutor receiving an email from disability services probably made him take notice quickly.

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