Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Need urgent advice from anyone working in a university (or who understands how they work)

43 replies

Hyli · 12/10/2023 14:10

Hi, my son is in his final year at uni, but lives at home. The background: due to serious health conditions, he has spent many of the last few years before university in hospital or doing online school, so lost all his school friends. He is a lovely person but hasn't made any friends at all at uni because he lacks confidence and doesn't drink or go out.

Anyway, this is the specific issue I'd like some help with. Everyone on the course (about 20 people I think) were told yesterday that they have to work in groups of 2 on projects for the rest of the course (until their time at uni is over). Everyone is now in a 2, with one 3, apart from my son, who is on his own. He seems crushed, but he's adamant that he won't inflict himself on any of the groups.

I totally assumed the tutor would tweak the groups and add my son to one, but he hasn't. I'm not totally sure he knows. Anyway, I'd like to send a calm email to this tutor, asking for his help in sorting this out. My son absolutely refuses to contact him. I know this isn't the done thing but to be honest, I think my son might drop out if he has to work alone for the whole year.

This tutor's name and email address isn't on the website. I can't find any contact details for anyone relevant. I've emailed the disability services but they will take 7 days to reply. How can I track down his details so I can email him asap? Will anyone even give me his email info? Is there anyone else I could contact? Sorry this is so long. Thanks

OP posts:
BelBabe · 12/10/2023 14:17

I don't know if it would be entirely appropriate for you to contact his tutor. Would your son be willing for you write an email to his tutor from him? He just needs to log into his uni email account and let you write it? It doesn't even have to anything massive just 'Hey I haven't got a partner are you happy for me to complete the project on my own?'

You're probably going to get a lot of people saying your son needs to sort it himself etc but for the sake of an email and a quick resolution I don't think there's any harm in you drafting the email for him

PinkRoses1245 · 12/10/2023 14:20

That's definitely appropriate to raise it with the tutor, but send the email from your son, even if you help write it. I can't believe your son wouldn't know the tutors name (you say it's not on the website)? All academic staff have profiles on the university website, unless they are brand new.

Chemenger · 12/10/2023 14:20

Long time academic. This situation is not acceptable, there should never be a group of 3 if there is also a lone student without a partner. It isn’t fair, the group of three has an advantage over the groups of two, never mind your son working on his own. Email the head of department, you should be able to find their details on line. If you really want action email the dean of the faculty or the principal (they won’t do anything but their PA will send a message to the department with a deadline for responding). I know the general opinion is that parents should keep out but I always take on board a calmly expressed parental enquiry. I would never allow students to make their own groups for anything important , it’s a recipe for disaster. Group work in general is difficult enough to manage.

jalapen0 · 12/10/2023 14:21

The tutor won’t be able to respond to your email and/or discuss your son’s situation with you, without his permission.

Unfortunately your son needs to contact the tutor himself to get this sorted. I appreciate his circumstances but he really needs to set up and contact the tutor. Totally fine for you to draft the email though.

Also, this is probably something the tutor should have identified and addressed when groups were being formed…

SandyIrving · 12/10/2023 14:21

My DDs uni give contact details (email and phone number) for course organiser in their module catalogue (you would need to know module name or guess it).

KStockHERO · 12/10/2023 14:24

Academic here - social scientist.

Your son needs to sort this out himself.

Your son's tutor won't be able to discuss anything about your son with you, or even confirm he's a student at that university - because of GDPR.

gotomomo · 12/10/2023 14:25

Your son needs to send the email, you can help him draft it though.

They may have a suitable adaptation if he has sen, my dd is excluded from group work

Blanketpolicy · 12/10/2023 14:26

Thankfully until now ds's uni has told students what group they have to work in.

That has brought a whole different set of issues when they end up in a group with someone they are incompatible with, for whatever reason, but at least they have a starting point and are hopefully working to achieve the same goal. It is an opportunity to develop skills working with others.

Your son can't ignore it and has to do something or he risks not passing and the longer he leaves it the bigger the issue will seem to be. Supporting him emailing through his student account sounds like the best course of action.

garlictwist · 12/10/2023 14:29

You can't contact the tutor as your son is over 18 so can't discuss him with you. (I work in a university). If your son has had a lot of ill health, has he tried contacting the university's disability services who may be able to offer adjustments to his teaching?

Mytholmroyd · 12/10/2023 14:33

Yes just confirming what others are saying here - we are not permitted to correspond/speak to student's parents without their permission.

That said, on the few occasions I have been contacted directly about a student by a parent I have read the email.

And when I, as a desperately worried mother emailed one of my children's tutors at a different university as she was on the verge of dropping out, they coincidentally called her in for a meeting the next day and sorted it out.

Group work is always tricky - we don't summatively assess group work in my Department because it can cause a lot of distress but I have been an external.examiner at university's who do. I always think they are very brave to do so!

Original poster
Hyli · 12/10/2023 14:37

Thanks so much for your replies. Of course, I've asked my son to speak/message/email his tutor since this first occurred yesterday. Begged him to be honest. He won't.

I can't find a siingle contact detail of a single member of staff on the uni website. There's a contact form that takes days/weeks to be answered

OP posts:
Scampuss · 12/10/2023 14:49

Advocating for your son if he is unable to do so himself is a perfectly reasonable disability adjustment. Does he get any DSA (or similar) support? At my (disabled) son's uni he can sign a consent for disability team staff to speak to me and it's re-newed every year, because it's recognised that some students cannot self-advocate or might need some support with that. Disability services have been extremely helpful when I've needed to get involved.

poetryandwine · 12/10/2023 15:18

Another academic here. I agree that a group of three and a singlet is unacceptable. The tutor should know the make up of the groups and amend this. But perhaps they are unaware? Which is inexcusable.

I agree that the best thing you can do is help your DS compose an email from his own university account to the tutor about this. I don’t know how likely that is.

We as academics can’t share with you, but you can share with us. As@Mytholmroyd says, sometimes we can coincidentally take certain actions. The problem is that this tutor sounds thick and may wrongly cite confidentiality as a reason to do nothing. I am not sure contacting their Head is wise: this type of thing is too easy to de-prioritise. If DS won’t let you (essentially) email from his account then sadly I think the Disability Office is your best bet.

Does DS not have an email or ph no for them? Is he registered with them? Another option for DS is to contact his Student Support Officer in his School. This is a Professional Support Staff member, usually someone very good with students, and students with special needs. But he needs to try resolving it with the tutor first because that will be their first suggestion. He can think of the SSO as back up. I am sure they will be on his side, in that he unquestionably deserves to be part of a group.

I loathe group work. It has great benefits for groups that function properly. That’s 25% at best.

Original poster
Hyli · 12/10/2023 15:39

@Scampuss He gets PIP but isn't registered with the Disability services. He would absolutely not contact a student or disability support officer himself, or let me contact them. He just wants to do the projects solo and not draw attention to himself. But I am so sad about it all!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hyli · 12/10/2023 15:40

Sorry that was also for @poetryandwine Thank you for your kind replies

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 12/10/2023 15:46

It is possible for you to contact staff, so long as you understand they can't contact you back/discuss unless your DS gives permission.

But really do you want to go against your adult child's express wishes? Very difficult situation.

However you can contact the undergraduate office in his department I'd have thought.

Original poster
Hyli · 12/10/2023 15:46

Okay I've found out a bit more from my son - apparently the tutor wasn't very happy about the group of 3 and said one of them could go with my son, but they said they already had ideas as a trio, so the tutor left it.

It gets worse - he is also the only one doing a solo project for another module. I honestly could cry.

He is such a lovely person - funny, witty, kind - very likable. He has never made any 'moves' socially with anyone as he is so lacking in confidence.I found out recently that he'd never even been to the students union or had a coffee with another student. He's been dealt such a shit hand in life and now all this crap has made things so much worse and destroyed all his confidence completely. I think there's a good chance he will drop out

OP posts:
Catinawhirl · 12/10/2023 15:48

Very many students will be registered with the support services, he should not think of it as shameful, negative or a stigma. You could email the department, something might be done even if they can't engage with parents. Or phone the department administrator (Trust me, as an ex support staff, they are quite happy to use the phone!).

ImADevYo · 12/10/2023 15:49

Hyli · 12/10/2023 15:46

Okay I've found out a bit more from my son - apparently the tutor wasn't very happy about the group of 3 and said one of them could go with my son, but they said they already had ideas as a trio, so the tutor left it.

It gets worse - he is also the only one doing a solo project for another module. I honestly could cry.

He is such a lovely person - funny, witty, kind - very likable. He has never made any 'moves' socially with anyone as he is so lacking in confidence.I found out recently that he'd never even been to the students union or had a coffee with another student. He's been dealt such a shit hand in life and now all this crap has made things so much worse and destroyed all his confidence completely. I think there's a good chance he will drop out

Is your son ND and having difficulties with social skills or is he just not confident?

Even if he registers with student support services what reasonable adjustment are you expecting to have for these issues?

Original poster
Hyli · 12/10/2023 15:53

He's just not confident. His issues have been serious medical ones. Because he had to leave school and was very ill for years he lost contact with his friends, and then hasn't made any at uni.

OP posts:
jalapen0 · 12/10/2023 15:53

Just to add, in relation to OPs developments…

The tutor shrugging it off is a big concern too. If the work will account for some of the module’s grade, then your son should be put in a group with a member of the trio. I only say this as I assume the learning outcomes/marking matrix for this piece of work will require ticking a ‘group work’ box - unless he’s doing an alternative assessment? Although it doesn’t sound like it…

Theres potential for your son to be deducted marks for not being in a group, if being in a group is part of the marking matrix.

Original poster
Hyli · 12/10/2023 15:54

I'm not expecting any reasonable adjustment. I just want the tutor to put him with a group so he's not on his own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hyli · 12/10/2023 15:55

@jalapen0 Yes I worry about that too

OP posts:
ImADevYo · 12/10/2023 16:00

Hyli · 12/10/2023 15:53

He's just not confident. His issues have been serious medical ones. Because he had to leave school and was very ill for years he lost contact with his friends, and then hasn't made any at uni.

I see.
The tutor should put him in a group - but the onus is also on the student to speak up. Uni is about self directed learning and maturing as an adult.
Equally being solo as opposed to a group can actually be better because a useless group mage can drag you down. It doesn't achieve the point of the group project (which it's why I'd silly for the tutor to leave a trio!)

If you have concerns about your son's social life fixating on this group project isn't going to fix it. If anything many people might not make friends with group mates.

LauraAshleyDuvetCover · 12/10/2023 16:09

Does he have a personal tutor/director of studies?

They might be a good person to e-mail if the course tutor might not be so helpful.

They can't reply to you, but I would think most would arrange a catch up with your son, and have a chat about his courses, including asking about his group projects.