my new student won't wake up!

[breezehead]

DC has just started uni in a place far from home, and already has missed several lectures/seminars because of sleeping through them. This is definitely partly due to partying, but also partly due to chronic habits of lateness etc exacerbated by OCD. (I won't go into full psych history but...I could.) I've talked to a kindly person in the student wellbeing office, who explained what support the uni can offer, and we will work on getting more support on the ground in place. But obviously no-one is going to go in and shake DC awake every morning. DC is enthusiastic about the course and is liking being at uni, but is also finding things all a bit overwhelming, and is also staying up late, etc. If this is something your DC has struggled with and if you have found useful or helpful practical strategies to put in place, I would be grateful for any advice, up to and including the most effective wake-up devices to add to the multiple alarms on the phone. Thanks.

Effective alarm would be an old style wind up with bells on top, positioned on the far side of the room so he has to get out of bed to switch it off... Whether you can get him to set it regularly is another matter.

I had a friend with a similar sounding issue and situation to your child.

We lived in the same house and attended the same course and I would go into her room on the mornings it would appear she wouldn't wake up in time for class and bring her a coffee. My friend actually really appreciated it as she would often sleep through alarms for the same reasons.

Is your child living with anyone that they know well enough yet to give some support? It's a big ask and not something you can implement but might be worth a conversation with your child.

Well it sounds like he needs to get to bed earlier and restrict partying to the weekends. When I was at uni we would go to the hall bar midweek but would only be up late Friday and Saturday.
Would he consider that?

One of mine used a maths alarm where you have to solve a sum or simple maths problem to get the damn thing to turn off -- might have been this app:
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=mufeez.com.mathematicalalarm&hl=en&gl=US&pli=1

Under pillow vibrating alarm with a flashing light - something like this: https://www.risemobility.co.uk/product/wake-n-shake-vibrating-under-the-pillow-alarm-clock/

only thing that is guaranteed to wake me up - I can sleep through sound like nothing else

Mostly though they needed time to grow up and stop being a chump.
You can't do it for them.
(Yes, I have one with many a diagnosis.)

I spent a term having to wake a friend up. She had insomnia, so therefore took sleeping pills and didn't wake up to alarms. I'd be banging on her bedroom door each morning, no doubt waking and being hated by the entire corridor (our lectures were early ones, unfortunately). I think there's a market for a vibrating type alarm clock under the pillow so you can't sleep through it, but with a remote on the other side of the room so you have to get out of bed to turn it off!

Is it possible they have glandular fever or similar? I slept a lot in my first year at uni - fell asleep in the library etc - put it down to late nights but turned out to have glandular fever (not severe)

It won't be long before he's managed off the course due to poor attendance.

Maybe a bit of natural consequences might give him the kick up the arse he needs to learn how to make sensible choices (partying and late nights during the week) and get up on time.

I'd bet my house he can get up OK for an early holiday flight...

I just wanted to add that I am someone who just really struggles to wake up - it doesn’t matter what for, it could be a flight, my own wedding day, something I want to do, something I don’t want to do. I struggle to get to sleep but once I am in deep sleep, it’s almost impossible to wake me.

I was like this. Luckily, my best friend was a morning person and would bang on my door on request, and even bring a mug of tea. I don't think the university felt it was incumbent on them to offer the same service!
However, a note pinned to your door begging an 8am knock from the cleaners guaranteed a call from a rumbustious Yorkshire lady that would wake the whole corridor;I still remember them all fondly decades later!

If he knows he has an issue then he needs to make sure he goes to bed earlier and isn’t up late partying. He’s an adult and needs to figure this out.

I'm dreading this when DS goes to Uni. He's currently under a sleep clinic for his sleep issues and waking him up is an absolute nightmare.

One key thing for people with chronic sleep difficulties (which can be linked to mental health conditions, including OCD) is light- does he has an alarm clock that mimics the sun, with the gradual brightening off it- this can really help.

Then he needs to be really strict and Sun-Thurs he needs a set bedtime routine, with a set time, with as little artifical light as possible in the evening.

Other options/things that might help, would be

• finding a friend to bang on his door
• alarm clock that makes him a coffee/smell can help wake and then the coffee can help him get up
• making sure he has everything ready the night before, to reduce the OCD impact of actually getting ready
• if an alarm wakes him a little, but not enough to get going, having an aid to stop him going back to sleep, things like doing a rubik cube/playing chess on his phone

I'm another deep sleeper. I could bore you rigid with details of the cacophonies through which I've slept. I tried everything - alarms placed across the room, multiple alarms at full volume, people phoning me repeatedly etc. Nothing works for me other than someone physically shaking me awake when I'm in what we refer to as a 'coma'. I am beyond oblivious to everything and everyone, and it's not due to insomnia or late nights for me. I have every sympathy with the student 😔

While we can sympathise with your DS , the reality is , issuesor not , it is imperative that he learns that he has to be in sync with the rest of us. That includes obviously uni but appointments , work , etc. He would be extremely lucky to find any employer that could or would accommodate him . Are you supporting him financially at uni? I told my DCs that I didn't care what they did at uni but as I was part funding it , their duty was attend lectures and pass exams . Otherwise, I was not going to waste my money. It is his future that is at stake here , his parents and lecturers have already done this , nobody will suffer except himself . I hope some of these suggestions make a difference to him .

Thanks for all the helpful suggestions and sympathetic responses. I don't think DC has established the kind of friendship with anyone in the flat for a wake-up knock on the door, but I'll ask. The coffee smell idea is interesting, as is the math alarm or Rubix cube suggestion. (And DC did actually did sleep right through several alarms before a long-anticipated holiday flight, for the record 😕) And, yes, perhaps a reprimand from a lecturer or tutor will be some motivation when it inevitably comes. Thanks again.

I don't think it's fair for him to rely on a flatmate to wake him. They may feel obligated even if they don't have an early class themselves, and really he needs to figure it out. I shout up to my daughter to wake her up and yesterday for example she just rolled over and fell back asleep (she has MS and fatigue is her main symptom). I texted her I was in the car - she was still asleep but the vibration woke her and she was dressed and in the car within 8 minutes.
But when she goes to uni she's on her own - she will have to set multiple alarms if that's what it takes!

I had a boyfriend like this but worse at uni. He got so far behind due to missed classes that he dropped out and never got his degree. I don't mean to be alarming but it's good that you/he are taking it seriously early on. With my boyfriend, he had some other issues too but the sleep got much more manageable when he didn't stay out late and went to bed/woke up on a regular cycle.

Honestly: your DC is an adult. At university. Grown up. Yes, they may find things difficult and yes, they may make mistakes. But this is your time to step back and let them. Not to micromanage. Said with love, from the mother of several DC with similar issues.

Priority should be to find an effective alarm, perhaps ensuring he goes to bed earlier the night before an early start. Might he react to a smartwatch vibrating, or something under the pillow. If he does not improve his attendance he may well fail.

Sounds painful but you have to step back now, and make it clear that you won't pay for him if he isn't going to get his shit together.

And then do it.

I used to really, really struggle with getting up. I found the sleepcycle app really helped. The idea is that it tracks your sleep cycle and wakes you when you’re in a lighter sleep. You give it a window to wake you up in. Could be worth a try, in conjunction with all the other bits!

Are they genuinely sleeping through alarms? Or not setting an alarm because they don't want to go / waking up but feeling too anxious/low to go to lectures and using "I overslept" as a more comfortable way to explain?

I’m going to go against the grain and say does it really matter? When I was at uni no attendance at lectures was recorded and these days slides are usually available on line. If he is attending the majority of lectures, submitting work and making friends that is what the first term is about. There is a reason the pass mark is so low in the first year. A low grade in the modules where he missed the lectures will give him a wake up.

That very much depends on degree and uni. Attendance and contribution may be a component of overall mark for a module and many STEM subjects are practical and lab based. He will only get put of the course what he puts in.