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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Dealing With Child Going To Uni

41 replies

Sunnydays1974 · 10/09/2023 09:59

So my DD is off to uni next weekend.

Luckily it's only around 180miles away but I'm really struggling, whilst also excited for her, that she'll now longer be around day to day.
What tips/advice do fellow parents have for dealing with what I can see an immediate hole and potential loneliness once she's gone?

OP posts:
HewasH2O · 10/09/2023 10:06

Enjoy yourself. Go to the cinema or theatre. Go out for lunch. Do all the grown up stuff you can't normally do because you've got trapped in a cycle of being a taxi service.

Keep a whatsapp chat going. Try not to get upset if they don't come home for the full extent of each holiday.

(I'm at the other end of the 3 years. DD hardly came home as she started in the Covid fiasco. Now she has moved back home and we're trying to adjust to having her back. It's not easy.)

clary · 10/09/2023 10:06

Ramp up your activities for you - tho having said that, my DD needed me a lot in the guest few weeks. Ds not so much.

Do you have any hobbies? Join a running group, yoga class, reading group. Take up tai chi, football reffing, embroidery. Go to the movies once a week.

Make a list of jobs in the house and tackle one every weekend. And enjoy this time fot you - you've parented well and now she is off

My older two are back home again but ds2 who us still at uni barely comes home even I the holidays. He is pretty self sufficiebt so I take pleasure in thst, tho I miss him so much.

EwwSprouts · 10/09/2023 11:13

Reclaim the remote! I started watching BBC 4 and rubbish films on Great Films Agree with PP chose a regular weekly activity to meet new people and have new experiences of your own. It is a new chapter for you both.

drivinmecrazy · 10/09/2023 12:15

Wine. And lots of it!
DD2 is heading off next week and I'm already in bits.
DD1 graduated last year so she's at home now. It's been such a lovely year to have them both under the same roof.
But I'm dreading it this time.
DD1 is working irregular shifts so she's not around much and has, quite rightly so, got a new exciting life out side of home.
When DD2 goes it'll be literally just me and DH most of the time.
It's going to be such a huge change to our lives, even more so than when DD1 went.
I've been desperate for as long as I can remember to have an empty house, now it's approaching I'm in panic mode.
But it's the way it should be.
We want nothing more than for our kids to become independent strong people. Doesn't hurt any less when it happens FlowersGin

drivinmecrazy · 10/09/2023 12:16

Top tip... don't listen to ANY music or even put on the radio for a few weeks cos every song will make you cry!

drivinmecrazy · 10/09/2023 12:18

And don't open threads like these because they will also make you cry 😭

thetailorofgloucester · 10/09/2023 12:40

drivinmecrazy · 10/09/2023 12:16

Top tip... don't listen to ANY music or even put on the radio for a few weeks cos every song will make you cry!

Good tip! First Aid Kit - "Everybody's Got to Learn" came on the radio the other day when I was driving ....

Travelban · 10/09/2023 15:01

Mixed feelings here. I have younger children at home and dd first to go.. on one hand I am really excited about her going and cant wait for it to finally happen. On the other hand I will worry about all the what ifs etc.. that is the worse part for me.

On the missing front it will be weird and i have no idea how it will feel. Having said that, we have barely seen her all summer and she is out and away a lot, so it's not as dramatic for us.

I think she is definitely ready to go though.

Ragwort · 10/09/2023 15:06

I can't really relate to your post as I was just so happy and proud that my (only DC) DS got into the Uni of his choice and was clearly off to have a great time.
To be honest I was perfectly happy, the house was calmer, quieter and tidier. No compromising over tv, meals, negotiating lifts at short notice ... and no laundry Grin.
I've always had plenty of hobbies, interests and friends to keep me busy.

But don't worry ... four years later & my DS is back living at home - back to living in a mess and sharing the car Grin.

RampantIvy · 10/09/2023 15:50

Same as @Ragwort. DD had taken a gap year and was more than ready for university. She graduated last year, and stayed in her university city to live and work.

I did feel a little flat after she left, so I made myself busy and did some decorating. Six months into her course covid hit and she came home for several months before moving into her second year house.

A couple of things to bear in mind - if your DD isn't keeping in regular contact it is probably because she is too busy having a good time. DD rang me more when she was sad or upset (her BF had dumped her just before going to university). I also found that my mood lifted when I knew she was happy.

It is understandable to worry whether your DD will have congenial flatmates, make friends and keep on top of her work. Any good parent will be concerned, but DD was extremely fortunate that she had decent flatmates and kept the friends she made during her first week all through her time at university and house shared with them in years 2 and 3. She graduated with an excellent degree and walked into a job pretty much straight away.

Good luck to your DD @Sunnydays1974

mondaytosunday · 10/09/2023 16:04

Don't people do all this stuff anyway? Aren't kids pretty self sufficient and mine certainly haven't prevented me from going out and about or staying away the odd night. It's not filling the time I'd worry about.
It's more that (for me) there will be no one else at home other than the animals (four of them). No other person to share cooking dinner with or watch Masterchef with or discuss their day with. No one to get up at a certain time for and bookmark the day with.

Babyroobs · 10/09/2023 16:07

I ahve 2 going off to different Unis plus eldest and his gf possibly moving into their own flat in the next few weeks. We are going down from seven people in the household to 3 !!! Quite looking forward to it secretely.

RampantIvy · 10/09/2023 16:14

Don't people do all this stuff anyway? Aren't kids pretty self sufficient and mine certainly haven't prevented me from going out and about or staying away the odd night. It's not filling the time I'd worry about.

You would have thought so. That said we are rural with no bus services between the villages and a very unreliable taxi service, so I have had more than one Saturday evening drinking tea rather than wine as I will have had to pick DD up from somewhere.

Original poster
Sunnydays1974 · 10/09/2023 18:41

Thanks everyone, some really useful tips there, especially to not listen to current music on the radio!

OP posts:
Malbecfan · 10/09/2023 20:56

Mine love BakeOff so our family WhatsApp goes mad when that's on as we try to watch it at the same time. The TV is slightly ahead of online, so we have a rule of no spoilers, just whether or not we agree with the results.

DH and I fall into a more laid back routine when neither DD is here. DD1 is midway through a PhD so is not often home any more. DD2 is about to start her Masters year. There is definitely less washing without them, although I miss having someone peg it out for me when I'm at work. The food & heating bills are cheaper when they are away, and I don't come home to find no eggs left because someone decided to do some baking. You evolve into a new normal, but it's good to have them back again.

Funkyslippers · 11/09/2023 16:54

I was in this position last year. I wasn't sure how I'd be but came home and went in to her empty bedroom and was in bits for a couple of weeks. Never thought I'd recover! I was just getting better when I had a dream about her coming home to me and I was nearly back to square one. However the fact that she made some lovely friends quickly and was always in contact with me helped. Now I don't really miss her as such but we're still really close and I look forward to when she comes home at the end of each term. I have to say, then it's a period of adjustment as I have to get used to giving her my time again (and more food & drink disappearing!). You'll probably be surprised at how quickly you get used to having them around. If they're happy & getting on well it makes it much easier if they're a long way away, like my DD is

Funkyslippers · 11/09/2023 16:55

*not having them around that should say

redrobin75 · 11/09/2023 16:58

@Sunnydays1974 , sign up to WIWIKAU on Facebook, it's for parents of dc going to uni.

RampantIvy · 11/09/2023 19:18

redrobin75 · 11/09/2023 16:58

@Sunnydays1974 , sign up to WIWIKAU on Facebook, it's for parents of dc going to uni.

It's currently full of mum's being really upset about their DC going to university, so maybe now is not the time. It's a bit negative just now.

drivinmecrazy · 20/09/2023 10:22

I dropped DD2 off on Sunday and have been through every emotion known to man and back again already.
She's surpassing my predictions and isn't missing us at all (though I'm steering away from asking her if she's missing us as don't want to open that Pandora's box!)
Last night I had to take myself upstairs to her bedroom and just give in to the 'grief'.
We've spoken once but TBH that was too hard for me. Proudly I held it together and stayed up beat until we hung up , then the flood of tears started.
I cannot believe how sad I am.
I didn't feel this when DD1 went but think that was because I had my 'baby' still with me.
I know I'll get over this and get used to the new normal, but by god it hurts like hell at times.
Made the mistake putting our playlist on yesterday. Managed about 15 seconds before I realised it's too soon 😂
Wishing all of you going through this lots of strength and know it's part of our job of parenting, to give them the confidence to go into the world and grab it by the balls.
The tears are all mine, rather that than hers
Wishing others going through this lots of love and strength 💐

lastdayatschool · 20/09/2023 12:11

@drivinmecrazy same here. Was fine saying goodbye to DS on Sunday and on the drive home.

It's been since we got home that it's hit me really badly - the house just seems empty without him. I thought his weeks away on holidays during summer had prepared me, but no.

And DH seems to be struggling even worse than I am.

PaperBlinds · 20/09/2023 12:36

Finding 2nd year harder. Last year she needed me, this year she is so competent and into her new life there has been barely a backward glance.

User2637485 · 20/09/2023 12:51

Find these threads a bit weird.

  1. You should pat yourself on the back for having raised a human to adulthood and they are independent enough to leave home.
  2. Also give thanks to the fact that they never had to leave you for any period of time when they were a child and were definitely not independent. 3. Go off enjoy your space and next stage in your life!
  3. Hope that they don't miss you and are out living their own lives.
  4. Recognise that they haven't disappeared off the face of the earth and will be home.in a couple of weeks.
EssexCat · 20/09/2023 13:32

I find people’s lack of empathy and inability to comprehend that other people find different situations difficult a bit weird @User2637485 but we’re all different!

I’m in the second year now of my eldest going and I’d have to say it gets much easier than the first year.

Last year I kept myself really busy, sent lighthearted messages and pictures of our dog to my son and joined the Bereal app which was a great way to share what we were both doing without it being too desperate!

lastdayatschool · 20/09/2023 15:11

@User2637485 I find you a bit weird tbh, thinking you have the answers to how we all should be behaving at this point in time.

People are different - they handle things in a multitude of different ways. But then I suspect you think people shouldn't be different and they should be all like you.