Annnddd they're off! Uni Starters 2023 Thread.

[Titsywoo]

Hi all,

I thought I'd start a different thread as the Alevels and beyond one is more geared to remarks and clearing at this point so didn't want to start derailing that with chat off packing and freshers week.

How is everyone getting on with helping their DC prepare and the idea that soon they will be moving away?

My DD is off to Cardiff to read psychology so will be about 3.5 hours drive away. I'm both nervous and excited for her right now! Packing is going well - pretty much all stuff has been bought and the induction pan set should arrive today. There is a large pile on the landing which keeps growing as we think of extra bits.

Due to a very lucky spot by me when scrolling Tiktok DD has found and been added to the Cardiff Psychology year 1 snapchat group. From that she got chatting to some others who aren't massively into drinking or clubbing and they have another chat for people who want to do other things than clubbing. They are organising meeting for some of the SU 'Give it a go' events such as an escape room and Ikea trip! Dd has also persuaded a couple of people to join the Hookers society with her (for crocheting! 😄).

Dd had a terrible time with bullying and social isolation from year 5 till the end of sixth form so I am praying this is the new start where she finally finds her tribe 🤞🙏

Looking forward to hearing how everyone's DC is getting on and how the first few weeks are for them. Not long to go now! DD leaves in 20 days 😬

@SlightlyJaded hi so glad she's settled well! Factory is one on dd favourite haunts so I'm sure she will have had a ball!!

So lovely to hear all the dc are settling well.

Dd called this morning and she's so happy. She can't believe how nice everyone is. The 3 boys in her flat said to her and the other girl last night "make sure you keep your snap maps on and if you ever feel uncomfortable in a situation message and one of us will be straight there" which I thought was lovely.

They had a kitchen party last night and went to the SU and she said she met and got the snap chats of about 50 people.

Great to hear your dd has made a flying start in Manchester @SlightlyJaded .

I'm bursting into random fits of tears for stupid reasons like hearing the 'His Dark Materials' theme tune on the radio (we loved this and I read all the books aloud to her).

Manor Hall has such a brilliant location @Tindrum , she just has to roll down the hill every morning.

DD has gone to switch her gym membership to the closest Bristol branch, then it's freshers' disco night. Good thing about being in the city centre is that she has a 5 minute walk home from the nightclub.

This is my first post here and I desperately need some perspective re my DD. She has gone to York to do History. She is desperately unhappy - arrived on Saturday and was just about OK at drop off, but has been on the phone in tears every couple of hours yesterday and today, saying she wants to come home. We have talked about this and she knows why it's not a good idea, but has started saying 'please, you have to let me come home'.

She is an anxious person anyway, and has always struggled with transitions. She can't sleep when she's worried, and also has some eating issues - not a full on ED, and she's never needed any support other than from me for it, but she can't eat and feels sick when she's worried. She's quite quiet and doesn't really drink, but did have a lovely group of friends at school and went out once or twice most weeks with them - coffees, cinema, shopping, meals out, walks, trips to London etc. That's the kind of thing she likes.

There are some nice people in her flat and she stayed in and watched a movie last night with a couple of them who also didn't want to go clubbing - the 9 other people all went and she was v anxious about having to go or be left out, but that was OK in the end.

I don't know how to help her. I feel that talking to her so much might be making it worse. I also have work I really need to do (I am freelance and have client meetings today and can't string a proper sentence together.)

She's questioning absolutely everything - did I pick the right course, the right university etc. It really doesn't help that because of the strike and the way History have structured things she basically has nothing on for the first two weeks beyond the odd briefing. She likes structure, and I think she would be OK if she had lectures, seminars, work to do etc.

She had a tough Y13 as I was diagnosed with cancer at the start of the year and UCAS deadlines coincided with me having chemo. I have tried to keep things as normal as possible for her, and possibly overdid the looking after (making her coffee every morning, still doing all her washing, cooking etc) as any attempt to make her a bit more independent felt like me saying 'I can't do this for you because I'm ill', so it was much more complicated than it would otherwise have been. So I can't help feeling this is all my fault.

I feel if I let her come home she will never go back. But 2 whole weeks with no structure and nothing to actually do feels just insurmountable. What should I do?

@SlightlyJaded - so happy to read your post after the rollercoaster of a month you and your DD have been through. (Has it really only been a month since results day??) She’s going to have a blast - and it won’t be long before she can’t imagine herself being anywhere other than Manchester.

@dotty2

Huge hugs.

You're right. If she comes home, she probably won't go back.

The two weeks is unlikely to be totally unstructured- there will probably lots of admin to do, stalls for clubs and societies, and lots of things during the day that don't involve alcohol and clubbing. I remember DD doing stuff like mini golf and a petting farm last year. (not York)

Let her contact you as much as she needs to, help her find student support services if she needs to. Tell her she can leave if she needs to. Try and get her as far as the beginning of lectures. ❤️

@dotty2 are there any WhatsApp chat groups for her subject so she can connect with any fellow History students? I second her getting in touch with student support services.

DS is at different university and different course but once his timetable was uploaded he had links to pre lecture notes etc, does your DD have the same? Could she set some time every day to go to library or similar and do some reading even if she doesn't have any lectures to got to.

DS has been at university now for 10 days, and hasn't gone to any welcome events at all (not big on social events and drinking) but has connected with a couple of flatmates so has done a couple of things with them. Luckily his lectures started last week so has been kept busy with them and so has seen people.

Are there any events on at all for new starters? If there are encourage her to timetable them and actually go.

DD1 is early but doing this - logistics but also her not thinking she'd cope with manic busy moving in day - as they still have few welcome things on.

Is there a list of thing she needs to do - GP/Dentist/ do trial walk to campus/ walk round the city e- buying course books, any uni admin etc - Tasks that could be parceled out to fill the two weeks.

I'd also focus on thing will settle when timetable starts and any other positives. DH last university insisted they have a prolonged settle in period - Vice chancellor was in media saying how wonderful it all was - students loathed it and lectures hate it as it ate into teaching time it was quietly dropped.

Could you go up this weekend and visit - so there something for her to look forward to or would that make it worse - you could have alternative plan if it turns out she is fine.

DSis came home after a week at uni - never went back did local uni instead which she now regrets but she had her ex pushing for this as well in background.

Thanks everyone - there are things happening, but they are an 30 mins or an hour here and there, so leave yawning gaps in the day. There isn't any pre-course work, but there must be some reading she could do - I'll encourage her to investigate this. There is a History group chat, and I suggested trying to use it to meet up with some history students, but I think that just felt too overwhelming.

I have offered to visit - we are only a couple of hours away so could even pop up for an evening, but when she was thinking a bit more clearly she said she thought that might make it worse. But if she can get through a few days, then I visit, that might help.

I will encourage her to reach out to Student Support. She'll be reluctant, but if she gets desperate enough, she might try. I really appreciate your thoughts/perspective - thank you.

@dotty2 I'm so sorry - this must be so hard. It's a position I can imagine being in with DD and it might yet come.

My advice would be to try and persuade her to stick with it. I completely agree that if she comes home now, she won't go back. Why would she? She thinks she hates it.

Far better to give her a timeframe - 8 weeks maybe? When you can reassess how she is feeling. The beginning is always going to be hard - can you make her understand that this first few weeks is not any indication of how it will 'be' long term? How things feel today/the friends she hasn't made/the strangeness of it all/the lack of direction - these are all very temporary and not a reflection of how her Uni experience is going to be in the long run.

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There will deffo be groups/activities that she is far more suited to than clubbing. I'm sure the York Instagram and Facebook pages are advertising all kinds of diverse Freshers meet ups - has she had a look? There are lots of York mners on this thread. Perhaps one of them can point you in the right direction?

The key thing is to help her see that her current situation and feelings are not a refelction of the next three years. She needs to dig deep and get through this tricky bit is all.

Good luck.

Thanks everyone - there are things happening, but they are an 30 mins or an hour here and there, so leave yawning gaps in the day.

I think DD1 so far been lucky and clicked with a few people and hung out past the official end.

I found fresher week bloody hard in mid 90s very off putting emphasis on clubbing and drinking I felt so out of place - worse still my parents had encouraged a room share to save money and to have someone to talk to - ended up having to move to another shared room in another hall making me feel even more of a failure - though it is how I met DH in new hall - the course starting did save me though - any longer I think even my determination would have crumbled. It did get better but it does take time to settle.

@dotty2 Could you find out when reading week is, (if they have one at York. Bristol seems to be end of October) and maybe have a couple of days off to tack onto a weekend, find a b and b and go and visit for a few days?

This sounds difficult and I’m so sorry to hear about your cancer. The lack of structure is a problem I think esp for 2 weeks. Maybe you can give her the structure. Eg Do you follow the York su on instagram? If so you will see the events that they put on. You can give her tasks like “why don’t you suggest to your flatmates that they come with you to the plant sale on at 2-4 in the SU and then send me a pic of the plants you have bought in your room” or “go to the sports and docs fair and sign up to at least 3 things then tell me what they are and when/where the first meeting is” . Encourage her to do things “this morning can you pick up your student card” “tomorrow why don’t you register with the gp”. Or send her eg £20 to go with a flatmate into town and buy brownies from Betty’s tea rooms.

it might be that having 2 or 3 things a day calms her anxieties and puts her in the way of meeting people and having a nice time?

@dotty2 which college is she in at York? The colleges have their own programmes and whilst you’re right about an hour here and an hour there with the Uni as a whole the colleges do quite a bit more. Has she got her college info/timetable for this first week? It’s very different to school and I think the ‘yawning gaps’ are a huge adjustment. She really won’t be the only one feeling out of sorts. I think it’s particularly hard if they’re really excited as it can be a bit of an anti-climax. Maybe she just takes one day at a time.
Despite the threat of strikes they’ve been told to still attend lectures etc unless told otherwise. Is she sure she has nothing during that 2nd week? She should still have some lecturers etc timetabled even if they end up not going ahead with them all.

At DS' hall they had a 'chill and chat' last night - very much emphasis on quiet, fun chatting, playing board games, doing crafting - basically come to this if you don't want to go out getting wasted. Can she look around for things like that @dotty2 ? Does she have a peer guide assigned to her yet?

@tribpot exactly this. I know at York they’ve got clubbing nights but every night there’s a club option and an alternative option - a movie night; a games night etc. They’ve also got day time scavenger hunts, both on campus and around the city, rounders matches between accom blocks etc. I was quite impressed with what they’d organised. There are some gaps, it’s not back to back activities. Plus some mandatory meeting/talks. I’m wondering if the activities are college dependant though as they rely on the college volunteers. Maybe mini Dotty2 is in a more subdued college. I really feel for her.

Too much free time is a killer. Even for my confident outgoing child, the big gaps were awful in the first couple of weeks.

Firstly tell her that her feeling are normal. My son hated his first week and thought everyone else was happy and loving it all. A few months later they all admitted to each other that they hated it too!

Secondly tell her to join some clubs. Explain they are not forever but just to kill time till she is settled.

Book somewhere nice for lunch in two weeks time and say you will meet her then.

Set a time for a daily FaceTime chat so it’s not endless texts through the day. That’s too much for both of you.

The chances are that things really will improve. But if it doesn’t then you can revisit her situation in 6 weeks. Not now.

Ask her if you or her can contact the well-being/support leads. They will be used to helping these struggling students.

And hugs, you have been through such a lot. Good luck x

@MouseCatchingCats I'm glad that DS's university started lectures straight away, suits the quieter students, probably not the party goers who then have to be up for 9am lectures!

Yes my other quieter child starts in a couple of weeks. I am relieved she has a full timetable as this will give her less time to worry.

My ds also started at Bristol in Riverside accommodation!

Thanks everyone for all your replies. Some great practical suggestions, and moral support. I have tried out some of the practical suggestions on my DD who has rejected most of them out of hand (too anxious to contact student support, doesn't want to go to any events without her flat mates etc). But we have agreed to make a kind of private timetable of things she will do to try to fill her time. And I at least have found the moral support really useful - thank you.

@dotty2 My DS is also at York, dropped him off yesterday lunchtime and today he has obviously needed a bit of moral support - he has ASD and is finding the social side difficult, but has refused to contact disability support so far. Apparently last night he was the only person in his house to say he'd never been clubbing (drinking/noise/random socialising is really not his thing) but apparently today he says he thinks one other lad in his flat may also have never been clubbing but just not dared admit it! I am trying to encourage him to give it time as at the minute everyone is either nervous or showing off, and kind of trying out new friends to see how they fit. I do think it will be easier once lectures start - today he has occupied himself by doing some online pre-course learning and is planning on staying in tonight when most of his house are planning on going out drinking. It's hard when they are too anxious to reach out for help themselves, but his college were very keen to reassure parents that they are there to look after them, so if he's still really wobbly in a couple of days I might drop them an email and suggest someone checks in with him.
I hope your DD starts to feel a bit more settled soon, I think it is hard for the quieter kids because it feels like everyone else is just wanting to party all the time in freshers week, when actually I suspect some of they are just going along with what they feel is the expected thing to do.

I think ‘freshers week’ can be a problem for this. It encourages students to turn up early when there isn’t actually a lot on, especially if you are not going to party late then sleep off your hangover. Clubs will not have started as the students running them haven’t turned up or only just turn up for the freshers fair to sign up new recruits. But at the same time students turn up with what are probably unrealistic expectations of freshers week. It is also different going out partying with a bunch of established friends versus with a bunch of random strangers you have only just met; the latter is much more tiring.

There is definitely an element of New Years Eve about Freshers Week. So much hype and expectation, photos of shiny happy students out partying, wristbands, parties, and seemingly lists of never ending activities and socials. But in reality, there is actually a lot of downtime. You in a strange space, alone in a new place away from everything you know and with strange people and unknowns and it can feel forced. Plus everyone is probably feeling pretty exhausted as the adrenalin of the actual 'Move to Uni' wears off.

I think that unless you've travelled to Uni with an established group, it can be daunting even for the most social students. DD had a good night last night, but hasn't left her flat today as she said there was 'nothing to do'.

She's ok. And there probably are 'things' to do, but it's really hard to force yourself to get involved.

DD1 who has graduated, went to York and is a quieter, more anxious type of person. After 3 years at uni she has STILL never been clubbing as didn't fancy it. She was happy to enjoy pre drinks with her flatmates in the kitchen, then go and chill in her room when they went out. What a few of them got up to and a couple of scrapes a couple got into (easily avoided e.g. don't take your shoes off to dance in a club) cemented in her head that she made the right decision! It was the balance she wanted and it worked for her.

It must be so hard for the parents of those that are struggling. It's when you can really feel the distance!

@Chiaseedling , there are a lot of them there! How is she finding it?