How did your DC’s uni relationships start - v under-confident son

[LizzySH]

My 19 y.o. DS is at Uni in his first year - doing well, a good number of friends, throwing himself into societies. So far, so very good. He is a handsome and personable young man but he has never had a girlfriend - he had a huge crush on a girl in his sixth form and eventually (after many months) plucked up the courage to ask her out and she said no. He was devastated and I think is scared to ask anyone out now! I don’t want to pressurise him into a relationship - of course not - but all his friends are steadily pairing up with people and it seems a shame that he is reluctant to because of his rejection last year. Any advice welcome

Bless him. Dealing with rejection is hard.

I don't think there is anything that you can do, really. He will find someone when he's ready. Maybe someone will ask him out?

My DS was helping a girl with her mathematics when she just kissed him. He wouldn’t have made a move.

Leave him be - he is only 19. I was 'attractive' at university with a wide group of friends. I just never clicked with any guy on a romantic level.

I was constantly under pressure from friends and family over the fact I was single.

If there is a girl who is interested, I am sure she will make it known.

Not uni but first graduate scheme. I kissed him after he's ignored all my hints! Got a very enthusiastic response he was just too scared to ask.
What about a bit of online dating to help his confidence?
Then he won't have to worry about rujuing a friendship

He might end up being gay? My daughter is pretty (of course I'd say that), had thrown herself into societies, friends, etc, but still no boyfriend. Despite propositions coming towards her. Then suddenly in second year, she made a 'friend' who became a lover, and they've been together since.

To sound old, I think it's changed from our day. DS is a uni first year. At home he has a close group of 5 or 6 friends. Only one has or has ever had a girlfriend. The young men are good looking, sociable, drive (except DS) and are interested in the world. They go out in the local town when home but are not clubbers. They have female friends from 6th form and in the case of 3 of them through tennis. It just hasn't happened yet.

I think you're right Ewwsprouts , I knew a lot who met bfs or gfs in the 1st term at uni, and a 2 couples who married their 6th form OHs, I get the impression young folk are not in such a rush these days.

Tinder. Dd has met the boys she's been out with online.

Agree, I also have a 19yo son at uni and I would steer well clear of giving advice on this topic unless asked. For all you know he's out and about having loads of casual sex and doesn't want to settle with one person.

To answer your question though - his current relationship started as a a drunk hookup with a friend.

@seddon I would feel much more sanguine if DS was having casual, respectful, wonderful sex! He’s never even kissed a girl! He’s got everything going for him (at Oxbridge, sociable, good looking) but so scared of further rejection

DS1 and DS2 would never, ever do drunk hook-ups (as I did 30 years ago). Far too risky. They are very aware of consent - so wouldn’t even snog someone who is drunk, let alone have sex. Boys nowadays are rightly cautious

I didn't say that the woman was drunk.

You're coming across as quite overinvested in the details of your adult son's and my adult son's dating/sex life. Do mothers actually sit across the table from their big hairy grown men sons and ask 'so have you kissed anyone yet?'

I don’t think it’s that unusual to be single at 19, is it?

I would challenge the whole fear of rejection however. Is he the type that won’t try anything in case he fails? Hearing the word no shouldn’t put him off dating forever.

Why are you worried? My DS has just finished a four year Uni course, never had a GF (to my knowledge), he's had a great time, busy social life, loads of friends, lots of sport, societies etc.
When I think back to my own rather 'colourful' life at Uni I am secretly pleased that he's focussed on his course, his year out in industry and his sports and hobbies.

My DS had an awful GF that he met in Y12. She took over his life, mucked up his A levels and dumped him first term at Uni.

After years of lockdown and staying in because the GF didn’t get on with his friends (massive red flag!!!) or like going out much he is now living his best single life. Out most nights, huge circle of friends, sport, uni, jobs in the holidays, travel.

There really is no rush. Leave him be and it will happen when he’s ready.

I graduated aged only 20 (a year young) a teetotal virgin with law prizes. I don't think that did me any harm and I then made up for lost time and married just after my post grad law year when I was 21!

Not everyone is ready for a relationship at that age. I think he is well within the normal spectrum of late adolescent experience.

That said, it’s important to be able to face rejection and push through it. It is the key to success in life. As they say, you miss 100% of the shots that you don’t take.

This is a good clip for a young man. It’s not really aimed at the mum demographic, it’s a dude to dude conversation. Some bits have me rolling my eyes, but at about 3 minutes in, Professor Galloway’s advice to young men about enduring rejection is heartfelt.

Tell him to go for the wall flower or plain Jane's

No, definitely go for the girls he is genuinely attracted to. Don’t pick ones that he thinks are “safe” but doesn’t really want. That is the road to no where, and isn’t really fair to the “plain Janes.”

My godson (clever, fit, shy, autistic) is a second year university student, and is having a whopping great amount of casual sex with women who are happy to sleep with him but definitely not interested in a relationship (with anyone, not just with him). It’s working perfectly well for all parties currently, from what I can judge.

The plain Jane's and wall flowers are usually the true gems

Tell him not to over look them for a kardashiàn

Maud do you really discuss your Godson's sex life with him?

It's a hard time for boys now. A drunken fumble and the girl may then regret it and cry foul. Then the boy is really in trouble. It happens - I've several friends with sons at uni and they are being very cautious and while this of course is much better in building a good relationship, it does mean those of a shyer nature may struggle even more to make that first move.
But if he's being sociable and 'getting out there', it will happen.
My own son, 19, had had too serious relationships. He had now sworn off girls for the moment as too distracting, and I think he in part regrets having such intense relationships so young. He's not at uni, and I sometimes think he doesn't spend enough time with people of his own age, but he'll meet someone eventually.
Step back and just encourage him to explore this new world. There's much more to life than having a girlfriend.

What is the male/female ratio like at his college? When I was at C (admittedly an aeon ago) there were only 30% women at my college and tons of eligible blokes were without girlfriends