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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

Do I have to be with my ex at my DS's graduation ceremony

39 replies

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 22/05/2023 21:28

This is probably more of an AIBU, but I didn't feel I could cope with the attention that they tend to get. This is a difficult subject for me.

We split up when DS was a baby. My ex was cold, controlling and abusive and continued to be so after we parted. He would withhold maintenance money to punish me, or refuse to have the children on his allotted day if he knew I was planning a night out. Then he started posting abusive stuff about me on public forums. Eventually the police got involved and he ended up in court for harassment. I suffered from anxiety for some considerable time afterwards, and to some extent still do. We have had no contact since.

Now my DS will be graduating in the autumn and the ceremony is strictly ticketed. I would imagine that seats are allocated in advance. The thought of having to sit next to my ex is causing me considerable anxiety already - my hands are shaking as I type this. My DS knows that we don't get on and have no contact but he has no idea about the harassment and abuse. He is quite defensive about his dad - he picks up on any hint of negativity in my voice if he comes up in conversation. I don't feel I can tell him any of this. I am wondering if I can phone the university and ask to be seated separately - has anyone ever done that? Do they make allowances for this sort of situation? I don't want my DS's day to be marred in any way but I'm not sure I could get through it if I had to have contact with my ex.

OP posts:

Justchooseone · 22/05/2023 21:30

That’s really hard OP and I really feel for you. What would your son think about you sitting separately?

I would email them and see what they say, then you know your options

Findyourneutralspace · 22/05/2023 21:33

Sorry to hear this OP. It sounds really tough. I’m sure you can contact the uni and they will make arrangements. It must be really common, sadly.
It’s not easy on your own, and a day to celebrate your parenting too. Maybe arrange for him to see dad before and you after the ceremony, or something that works so you don’t have to cross paths. Congratulations!

LateOnTheBandwagon · 22/05/2023 21:36

This is a horrible situation. I imagine you would be able to arrange separate seating for the ceremony but what about the before / after? There is often some sort of reception or at least a gathering outside the hall and it is usual to have maybe eat with your child afterwards.
If your child is graduating, they must be fairly mature. Maybe it is time to think a little bit about yourself and explain some of your point of view. You don't have to go full anti-ex but just enough to get your child to understand your feelings and work with you on trying to find a solution. Good luck.

gogohmm · 22/05/2023 21:38

Yes the university will be able to accommodate this, you won't be the only one with this requirement! I would consider how you are going to manage photos, a meal after etc. different circumstances but my ex say with me at DD's, i went to dsd's in place of her mum who couldn't make it couldn't be bothered

Mumof4alsoabonus · 22/05/2023 21:39

My son’s graduation was ticketed just to make sure there was room, but it wasn’t assigned seats.

2bazookas · 22/05/2023 21:41

I doubt the "parents" seats will be allocated; they never were at my kids graduations. You just file in in any order.

From the university's POV, graduation ceremonies are a well-oiled production line and to have hundreds of guests milling about looking for their named seat would take far too long and be chaotic.

NumerBatru · 22/05/2023 21:41

Eventually the police got involved and he ended up in court for harassment I really think you need to tell your son this. He is not a small child, if you feel you cannot tell him face to face then write your son an email so he understands the seriousness of what happened. Otherwise he may just think you are overreacting for no reason.

Clearly it is still having an effect on you and having another person (your son) understand why might really help especially if he can provide support on the graduation day.

OneForTheRoadThen · 22/05/2023 21:42

Years ago I had a temporary job allocating seats at graduation ceremonies and this was really common. Students often requested 2 tickets far away from each other and we always obliged.

lunar1 · 22/05/2023 21:45

I think you need to be honest with your son.

TranquilityofSolitude · 22/05/2023 22:01

Which university is it? I've been to graduations at Nottingham and there were no allocated seats. You had to have a ticket, but you could sit where you liked. It sounds like a delicate situation, but if you could say which university, someone might know if seats are allocated or you just need a ticket.

gavisconismyfriend · 22/05/2023 22:02

Have a look on the uni website and there will be contact details for enquiries about graduation. Get in touch and they’ll be able to explain about ticketing and I’m sure they’ll try and help you out.

GeraltsBathtub · 22/05/2023 22:03

I’ve been to several ticketed graduations at various universities but none of them were assigned seating so I think you’ll be fine

purpleme12 · 22/05/2023 22:04

I don't actually agree with people saying tell your son.

If he's good to your son, leave that as it is without bringing this into it.

Fair enough you don't want to sit next to him. Ring the uni and I'm sure they'll be able to accommodate this. Just say you're divorced and don't get on I'm sure they won't mind.

Original poster

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 22/05/2023 22:05

Thank you for all the kind and helpful comments - it's really reassuring. (Glad I avoided AIBU!).

I hadn't thought too much about before and after the ceremony - just vaguely hoped that in all the milling around I could avoid him. But of course, DS will expect to be with us, so that's something else to deal with. @Findyourneutralspace , that's a good idea about dividing up the before and after periods.

I have thought a lot about telling DS what happened. But if ever I have hinted at difficulties with his dad it becomes clear he doesn't want to hear. He has a distant, but amicable, relationship with him. I'm not sure I can tell him something that would affect that - though I find it hard when he's all 'Dad this' and 'Dad that'.

@OneForTheRoadThen , a relief that it's not just me! How sad that students have to do that though. I was hoping I could sort it and DS wouldn't even notice where we were sitting - or does he sit with us? I haven't been to a graduation ceremony since my own, many decades ago.

OP posts:

Original poster

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 22/05/2023 22:06

@purpleme12 , yes that's pretty much where I am with the idea of telling him.

OP posts:

Igmum · 22/05/2023 22:07

Check with the university. Every one that I have worked or studied at has allocated seats for graduands but sit where you like for family and friends. Even if seats are allocated you won't be the first to request this and they should easily accommodate it. Congratulations to your DS and I hope you manage to enjoy the celebrations.

gavisconismyfriend · 22/05/2023 22:09

Your DS won’t be sitting with you - all the students sit together by course so that they can get up onto the stage quickly and easily. So there is no reason why you and your ex need to sit together.

Igmum · 22/05/2023 22:09

DS won't sit with you. The graduands will be on the first few rows so they can go on stage to be applauded and receive their certificates (it's a lot of clapping I warn you now).

Summertimesmile · 22/05/2023 22:17

im sorry to be harsh but for 1 day you need to deal with it. By all means sit separately but somehow you need to find a way to be pleasant and in each others company when your son is around.

my parents utterly ruined my graduation, wedding, birth of my children etc etc with their inability to do this and I was constantly the one in the middle having to try and pacify them both. It will be extremely hard but on this occasion it’s about your son, regardless of how crap your ex is, and you owe it to him to put your perfectly valid feelings aside for the day for his sake. Your relationship with each other isn’t his problem and pleae don’t make him feel like it is, because he will

Original poster

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 22/05/2023 22:20

@Summertimesmile , yes I have thought this myself. And I hate to think of DS being stressed by the situation on what should be a really happy day for him. But the physical reaction I get at the thought of even being in the same room as my ex is really hard to overcome. Plus I am fairly sure that he will take the opportunity to rant at me (though not in front of DS). His anger and hatred for me were overwhelming.

I have wondered if I should have (more) therapy to try to help me cope with the day.

OP posts:

UsingChangeofName · 22/05/2023 22:31

NumerBatru · 22/05/2023 21:41

Clearly it is still having an effect on you and having another person (your son) understand why might really help especially if he can provide support on the graduation day.

I do agree with this.

I don't think hints will work - well, clearly they aren't.
I understand why you protected him when he was a child, but now he is an adult, I think you need to let him hear your side.
Write him a letter. Or an e-mail. Explain that you know he is your ds's Dad and that he has his own relationship with him and that you don't want to interfere in that, but that you feel now he is an adult he needs to know why it is that you cannot just sit with him and pretend it hasn't happened.

If you give it him in writing, he can absorb it in his own time, and not have to just sit and listen.

All that said, at all the graduations I've been to, the seats aren't allocated - you just get a ticket and sit in the next seat as you arrive, you don't need to sit with your ex.
Reassure yourself by contacting the University so you will be 100% sure, and so they can make alternative arrangements if they do allocate seats.

However, as others have said, you need to think in advance what you are doing about photos, drinks Reception (if there is one) and going for a meal afterwards, and decide where your boundaries are.

Ariela · 22/05/2023 22:35

I think you just have to grey rock any attempt to rant at you. Maybe have an evening and a bottle of wine with a friend to practice beforehand. And on the day itself you can usually manage to avoid him by popping yourself the other side of DS from him as much as you can - he won't want to spoil DS's opinion of him

purpleme12 · 22/05/2023 22:36

Lots of parents who divorce who haven't been through harrassment or abuse etc, still hate each other/don't get on/don't talk/avoid each other.

It is understandable if people have split up that people don't want to be around each other.
So it's easily explained by that.

I really can't see how any good will come out of a parent telling a child how awful the other parent was to them.

It's best for the child to let them have their own relationship without bringing anything like that into it.

Icequeen01 · 22/05/2023 22:38

My DS graduated in Canterbury Cathedral and it was ticketed but no specific seats allocated.

benfoldsfivefan · 22/05/2023 23:17

I also don't agree with people advising to tell your son about his dad because it could risk ruining his big day, in how he views his dad and (possibly) you. I think maybe tell him a while after the summer, after you've had some therapy to process possible past trauma and time to reflect.

But I agree to email the uni to get the confirmation about free seating (like others, this has been my experience) to put your mind at rest and I hope your ex is amenable to dividing your son's before and after time, if you and your son want to.

Wishing you all the best. These ceremonies and the build up can bring up a lot of uncomfortable emotions.

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