Do I have to be with my ex at my DS's graduation ceremony

[notwavingbutdrowning1]

This is probably more of an AIBU, but I didn't feel I could cope with the attention that they tend to get. This is a difficult subject for me.

We split up when DS was a baby. My ex was cold, controlling and abusive and continued to be so after we parted. He would withhold maintenance money to punish me, or refuse to have the children on his allotted day if he knew I was planning a night out. Then he started posting abusive stuff about me on public forums. Eventually the police got involved and he ended up in court for harassment. I suffered from anxiety for some considerable time afterwards, and to some extent still do. We have had no contact since.

Now my DS will be graduating in the autumn and the ceremony is strictly ticketed. I would imagine that seats are allocated in advance. The thought of having to sit next to my ex is causing me considerable anxiety already - my hands are shaking as I type this. My DS knows that we don't get on and have no contact but he has no idea about the harassment and abuse. He is quite defensive about his dad - he picks up on any hint of negativity in my voice if he comes up in conversation. I don't feel I can tell him any of this. I am wondering if I can phone the university and ask to be seated separately - has anyone ever done that? Do they make allowances for this sort of situation? I don't want my DS's day to be marred in any way but I'm not sure I could get through it if I had to have contact with my ex.

@notwavingbutdrowning1 But if ever I have hinted at difficulties with his dad it becomes clear he doesn't want to hear

This is the issue though, it is possible he thinks you are a bitter divorced parent who doesn't like their ex. This isn't just a I don't like him situation, the police were involved, he was taken to court. This is why I suggested an email so he can read it and understand why you are the way you are about his presence at the graduation. There will possibly be other times you probably all have to be together in the future, wedding, christening, birthday parties. So tell him now, help him to understand the fear he instils in you. He possibly feels you should be over it all but doesn't know the depth of the harassment you suffered.

If it was just a he treated me badly situation then I would usually just advise letting that go considering the age of your son however this was a whole other level of bad treatment. My Aunt was a domestic abuse survivor, we all know about it as a family because the truth was he physically abused her. We weren't even born when it happened but as a family everyone was on board with the wider family knowing about his behaviour in case he ever tried to tell us a different story. I wonder what your ex told his son about your relationship.

I've been to 4 graduations now; two of my own and one for each DC. None have had seat allocations. I'm sure you'd be able to email the uni graduation office to find out.

Couldn't agree with this more. ExH behaved appallingly to me- threats, bullying, dragging me to court on every possible occasion. But none of that is DSs problem. He deserves to have his own relationship with, and make his own judgement on ExH. It's not fair to put my experiences on him, and burden him with guilt and angst.

With respect, this is very different. It is his parent, not an uncle. If he doesn't want to know, that should be respected.

Graduations are mostly ticketed, but seating is not allocated IME. Graduates are usually seated separately from guests so they have easy access to the stage. You might want to think about how to best manage meeting up with your DS before the ceremony, post graduation drinks reception, photos and any celebratory dinner afterwards.

I agree with @benfoldsfivefan dont tell your DS now it will ruin his big day. He clearly struggles with how things are between you. However do tell him after, focusing that you are saying this to explain why you can’t be more friendly with his Dad. Because it is true, you can’t and this clearly upsets DS. I don’t think Ex told him about what’s happened but he probably told him some sort of other story so you need to explain the situation. Is there anyone else who may talk with DS about it? It might be a good idea.

Have you read the Ops posts @Summertimesmile ? I think she has the right to keep separate from her ex .

@pornyshroudofturin she did have children, he was a functioning alcoholic who to everyone else was just the loveliest man. So they were told about their Dad who kept telling his children he didn't understand why she had divorced him.

As I have said, this probably won't be the only event they both attend, just the first one of a possible many. OP is shaking just writing her post. I think the son should know why she has such a visceral reaction.

It depends on the university and where the graduation is. My sons grad ceremony was held at the Royal Festival hall and there weren't allocated seats. My daughters grad last year was held in a cathedral and our seats were named - my ex and I are on OK terms so sitting next to him wasn't as bad as it would be for some of you. My advice would be to try and speak to the organisers somehow and maybe suggest your son just has pics of himself done rather than including his parents?

@pizzaHeart , yes, I've been thinking about it all night and I agree that I shouldn't tell him in advance. I will tell him afterwards if he comments on my behaviour or seems unhappy about it.

@NumerBatru , my ex has told people all kinds of crap about me and I know he is very convincing. I do worry about future events. I also worry that DS will avoid getting married altogether because of the issues between his parents and the potential difficulties at a wedding.

My graduation was ticketed but no allocated seats. There were several students in my class who were worried about parents who wouldn't/couldn't sit next to each other for various reasons.

@notwavingbutdrowning1 I suppose at his age and at the graduation he wants to be “normal” and see loving proud parents with him at the graduation which is understandable. I would call uni and ask about what the day would look like for parents explaining that planning ahead would help in your situation. You may ask DS to introduce his supervisor or favourite lecturer ( if it could be relevant) etc etc just to think of something that will take off pressure to be in Ex’s company. You probably can hang out with his friends’ parents for a bit.

My daughter's graduation ceremony was only ticketed for room not seats so we could sit anywhere. I would contact the uni and see if this is the case for your sons.

My parents were v recently divorced before my graduation and it wasn't exactly a cheery occasion. Tbh I didn't really want to attend, but did more because it was the done thing / friends would have questioned why I wasn't there and I couldn't be bothered with all that.

I think if my parents had been in your situation I would have been more than happy for them to keep separate and spoken to them separately.
Why wouldn't your son be happy with that?
Is he burying his head in the sand about the fact that things are not amicable between the two of you?