Paying your adult child's rent: do you ask for the money back?

[reqw]

We have two daughters. One studied medicine over 6 years, we funded accommodation all the way through. This is because she lived in a cheap northern city.

The other is going to be a lawyer. She's studying towards the LPC which finishes in June. She starts work in August.

She gets a small stipend, but because of the cost of living she has run out of money and savings this year. She had to do it in London. She asked us to pay for her rent for the last months (will be around 8 months). With bills and food this will be about 7k. Should we make her pay us back?

She has already had a lot more money than dd1 because she studied in an expensive city. We are comfortably off, but 7k would have paid for works around the house.

(I paid two sets of LPC fees last year for my twins - it is not always sponsored (and they lived / live at home so no rent))

I think you paid for rent for one so you have to pay it for the other.

The time to talk about paying for herself should have been at the start of studying. Then there would have been a decision to be made between cheaper northern place vs extra debt.

Have you funded any of uni for your soon-to-be lawyer daughter?

To what extent is this comparable to your doctor daughter?

@reqw Lotz of lawyers do courses in London for networking. For your Dr DD it didn’t matter where she was. For a lawyer it matters.

@Xenia Are you going to employ your DCs though? If you have paid for everything and they don’t have an employer who pays, that’s a lot of money. And a gamble.

She had no choice where to do the course. Most people who are on her course either have parents who live in London or commutable distances, or their parents have an empty property in London, or they bank roll their kids.

It's terribly unfair for working class families who aren't from the south east. So much for increased access

You're comfortably off and asking if she should pay it back? Of course not!!

@reqw
So your DD is having her fees paid by her employer: therefore has a job!? They have a contract with a training provider I assume. Hence London. He’d job will have a pretty decent starting salary presumably! And yet you are arguing about money? The less well off do just fine. They use their very decent earnings to pay rent.

The only reason you have no choice about where to train as a lawyer is when your employer has a contract with a London training provider. For jobs that pay well, I don’t see why background matters. Plenty will be paying rent. Frankly you sound jealous and if you are well off, why does it matter?

my parents help me to buy my first home. They give me 50k and never ask back. Now i have a good job and good salary, my parents are retired and i send them money £500 just so they have a nice and easy life. Even though they have enough in their pension, i still send my parents money. I’m grateful because they always help me and want me to be happy. Now i want them to be happy.

its only 7k. If i were you i will help my kids for deposit for their house. Thats what my parent did and what i will do aswell.

If remotely possible, I believe parents have a responsibility to support their children financially through a first degree. Just because one child’s education cost more doesn’t mean she should be penalized. You should still help her launch into adulthood the same as her sibling.

Tiger, yes that was the deal. I paid for university (and then it was up to them whatever graduate or other careers they chose - other than my onc e off help with housing) or if they did longer course I would help with that (eg my parents paid on the basis of course we chose - eg my sibling is a doctor (very long course), I did law etc although weirdly we applied to Newcastle council in the 80s and were very surprised that they gave me a discretionary grant for my fees for the one year post grad law Finals course there was in the 80s for solicitors (before the LPC), but my parents paid for my rent and allowance.

The other part of the recent deal that I would pay for law post grad (2 years as none of them did law in their first 3 year degree) was that if they did not find a training contract then they would qualify with me which is what the twins are currently doing (although both seconded elsewhere for the next 6 months) and qualify in 2024. I was not prepared to pay all those fees for post grad law conversion, LPC etc for them to mess around for 2 years + being a low paid paralegal perhaps never qualifying when I have a law firm where they can qualify. However I would have preferred they had chosen law during their first degree and applied then to other firms. Also of course it does not look great that you qualify at your mother's firm so they may be blighted for life.... we shall see. I applied to 139 law firms in year 3 of my degree and had 25 interviews in London before I secured a training contract. So I certainly feel I put more effort into applications than they have, although am not belittling their various efforts in applications they have made and very hard work to get very good exam results.

@Xenia
I don’t understand the OP’s position though. If the course is in London, and no choice, I’m assuming the employer has a contract with the provider there. LPC courses are all over, including in cheaper cities. Therefore if the DD doesn’t have a training contract, and an employer, why London? Who is then paying the fees?

I have 2 DC, both have done extended studying and needed/taken some time off during their studies and before starting their careers, as their parent this has been funded, along the same principle of an earlier poster as part of their future inheritance. We also expected them to take paid work when possible with our contribution mainly for accommodation. DH keeps a record and they will both receive the same amount. No need for inflation adjustment as they are close in age and this is all happening at the same time.
We won't be asking for this back and it is far more than £7k

Don't want to derail but I am wondering about what's fair for our family. My eldest didn't go to uni but the youngest one is and we will be topping up about 1/2 their maintenance loan.

What have other parents done to make it fair? Given the other a few grand? Nothing?

Just got me thinking.

As far as I'm concerned we give the DC every penny we can if it gets them into the start of their adult lives successfully.

And if one of them comes to us and says I am working hard, but I just can't make ends meet, we help them whatever it takes.

Forget 4yrs law versus 6yrs medicine, instead think 'I am launching my child and whichever path they choose, I support'.

You should absolutely give the DC the money if you have it.

@Moredarkchocolateplease
That’s another area of confusion. Law careers can be 4 years if DC have a law degree or much longer. Or very expensive if no employer or scholarship. However the end outcome is what matters.

@crossstitchingnana
I think I would wait and look at job outcomes before you decide what to do. Plus talk to DC. They are adults pretty soon. Will the degree make a huge outcome to earnings? Or is the non degree Dc going to do very well? Does the DC going to uni need the degree? Some jobs require a degree. It’s not necessarily a “nice to have” option. If you/they can afford to wait a bit, I would. See what happens after Dc graduates. A lot can happen in a few years.

I have noticed the non degree Dc often stays at home for years as they don’t earn as much. Graduate Dc don’t come home and stand on their own two feet sooner. So that’s also why I say wait a bit. The non degree Dc might be using your car, eating your food and generally receiving funds you are not accounting for. So it takes time to see what the situation really is.