DS very unfocussed

[Worryingmother]

My DS is a lovely lad but a bit lost. He's in year 12 and, during the NEU strike days when school was closed (two more coming up next week!) he was supposed to start exploring possibilities for university courses/apprenticeships etc. But instead it transpires that he just played on the Xbox/fiddled with his phone/watched TV (DH and I were out at work so he was home alone).

He says he wants to go to university and study modern languages. But I worry that he just wants the 'university experience' (I know he will love the social side) and wants to go because all his friends will be and it is just the expected thing to do next. He shows no interest in any specifics like researching courses etc. However, nor does he show any interest in getting a job when he leaves school/embarking on an apprenticeship etc.

My DH thinks DS should look at the army as an alternative to university but DS not inspired by that either. Plus there is no reason to assume the army would have him of course. He insists that he wants to go to university but, as I say, is not backing that up with action/investigation.

I would appreciate any advice as I am worrying about having such a demotivated DS. He is a kind, friendly and reasonably intelligent boy (certainly capable of getting into a good university) but just seems directionless and apathetic about his future. Perhaps this is normal but it is in stark contrast to my eldest who knew exactly what he wanted to do and set about making it happen.

I just wanted to say as well it’s really nice to hear that you have been able to have a conversation with him and he’s relayed what’s worrying him. I just think it shows that you have a really good relationship and I’d probably not worry too much.

has he got any desire to travel? If he decides to take the break from study that could be a great motivator to get him into working In a paid job to save towards that

You are very kind @Wellillsayitifnoonelsewill . He is more fired up by the idea of travel than anything else - partly the reason he chose to continue with two modern languages at A-level (he had to move school to do so as v few sixth forms in our area could facilitate two languages). He will definitely need to work to fund it though - we are not in the position to be able to. But as everyone who has kindly replied says, he should consider a gap year and a job anyway - so he could build travel into the back half of the year once he has saved up.

this thread has been very helpful to me. Thank you all.

Also maybe working abroad? I think someone further up suggested teaching English abroad but also summer camps/holiday camps etc (not 18-30s rep-ing type stuff but more family orientated stuff).

Does he do any acting? Pre covid a lot of small theatre companies put on plays in English in foreign schools as part of the schools English teaching programmes. That could fuel his desire to travel, to work and to learn his languages too before coming back to study x

DS is about to do his A levels. He disengaged big time when they had their GCSEs cancelled but has continued to A level because he is bright and does want to go to Uni.
Unfortunately, I was diagnosed with breast cancel just as he started lower sixth and the my DH had a stroke just as I completed treatment. DS coped well but it was a tough year for him and visiting Unis and looking at careers was not foremost in his mind.
After much discussion he is taking a gap year. He has not applied to Uni but is going to wait until he has his results. He has a general idea so has a good idea what grades he will need but is still clueless what direction he wants to go in.
School have been great and fully support gap students and will help him with his UCAS next year ( academic) hopefully we will have time to do Uni open days and he will have first hand knowledge from friends who are going this year.
A significant number of his friends from the year above who started at Uni last Sept have dropped out. Again they were the year who were affected by the exam cancellations and lockdowns. I think many just weren’t ready. The interruption in their natural growing up process has caused problems. I think we all knew that lockdown was always going to cause problems for the 15-17 yr olds.
It has been incredibly tough for them and I think you just have to give them a little more time.

Your conversation sounds great, OP.

It is worth 100x what the DM on the thread you refer to has done. Those parents are the ones I was referring to ‘with the best will in the world …’. Many posters there said proudly that they would do everything possible to help their DC. But the sad fact is, one simply cannot. The DC who end up confiding in their personal tutors that they are on a certain course and now floundering badly because their parents were sure this was the one for them are legion.

Recognising your DS as his own person is the best thing you can do. This isn’t to say I am opposed to a bit of judicious help, but it is a question of scale. DS will have the greatest chance of happiness and success if he defines what this means

Why not study Tourism then? Or look at corses that offer travel programs - there are student working holidays available.

DD took a year out to work and reapplied, mainly a Covid issue - she went Better prepared and a year older she goes to lectures some students have 10% attendance - it’s really poor - and parents aren’t told they are paying £9000 for students to skip their work.

If he doesn’t know that’s fine - university is available to all when he knows what he wants to do.

and parents aren’t told they are paying £9000 for students to skip their work.

I think that's because it's assumed that A. They're an adult and B. They are paying, not the parents?

B. They are paying, not the parents?

Not where I’m from

The student has the place and the contract with the university, which doesn't really care who is paying the fees for the course, as long as they are paid. If a student who is eligible to have their fees paid straight to the university in the form of a student loan, opts to have their fees paid by a willing third party, said student failing to take full advantage of / comply with obligations re attendance for their course doesn't mean that the university isn't still entitled to payment, for as long as the student remains registered there.

The third party, if feeling aggrieved, should perhaps have a conversation with the student about his / her attitude towards their benefactor?

Although I would have a certain sympathy with the student if they perceived that the 'generous' offer to save them from £9250 pa had been made mainly from a desire / the misapprehension that this would give the parent further control over their DC's activites.

Gap year definitely and maybe in country of language he's interested in studying.

There are so many options. A year or so working before uni will be great for his application and he'll have loads to talk about if he does something semi-interesting. If I had my time again I would try out lots of things before I settled on something. You work a long time!

@Worryingmother
I actually think you have a fairly normal teen boy! They are not always the most motivated or organised.

I have a DD who did 2 x A level MFLs and went on to do this at university. She was organised though and didn’t want a gap year. She had talked to friends about universities and understood where she might go. I therefore suggest you look at what his grades might be then sit down together to see where that might take him. The good news is that MFL courses are not overly competitive. You will really do better with an MFL degree as opposed to tourism. With 2 MFL A levels this would not be great advice. It effectively closes off lots of higher paid jobs because it’s vocational and not really academic.

You seem very concerned about money. Getting a job abroad is difficult. You will have to contribute if he won’t get the full loan. A ski season job might be ok still and I would start seeing what might be useful. Or here in a gap year. DD just got on with her degree. You don’t need to delve deeply into the degree too much at this stage but do take him to some attainable unis to see if he likes any. His job prospects are enhanced with a MFL degree. He does not have to work with MFLs after. DD doesn’t. It opens doors though.

In y3 abroad, there are always opportunities to travel. So you do 2 years then you get some freedoms. DD trained for 3 years after her degree so 7 years. With a fro year, it could be 8. That wasn’t for her!

@Worryingmother I highly recommend a gap year for all sorts of reasons. My DD is currently on a gap year in France before doing Modern Languages. She managed the visa situation by getting an au pair position. Probably easier as a girl but some people happy to have young men but I appreciate it isn't for all.

A PP mentioned workaway which is a good way and your DS can go to the EU for 90 days then come back and work for more funds in the UK for 90 days then go back.

My DD earned all the money for her year out travelling by having a Sunday job in Yr 13 then working lots after A Levels. She now has a nest egg to spend travelling etc while away. She also does a bit of English Language teaching. Lots of French parents want an English speaker.

Her French has improved enormously as well. Mixture of the caring for young children, French classes and finding a French boyfriend ....

The third party, if feeling aggrieved, should perhaps have a conversation with the student about his / her attitude towards their benefactor?

Interesting idea. How about the university doesn’t divulge that the teen isn’t attending lectures or completing work, because you know they’re adults, and then get a bit of a shock when they fail first year and are asked to leave?

Students from here are considered international students - there are no loans available - they aren’t funded by anyone - unless parents pay. I am paying for a service and expect them to attend - DD does attend but out of 60 attendees only 8/10 ever rock up - are you saying that’s ok?

I am paying for a service

University tuition fees are NOT a payment for a service. They are a payment for the opportunity to study for a degree.

If your DC doesn’t attend, or take up the opportunities offered, that’s down to them (and possibly the way the DC were brought up).

Whether I think it's okay or not is neither here nor there (my opinion is, actually, that the main thing they are doing is wasting an opportunity and if they really don't want to engage with the purpose of them being there, perhaps they should consider doing something else instead).

That the contract of learning is between the university and the student here in the UK is not something kept secret by the universities. And if nothing else, since post 18 education here is undertaken on an entirely voluntary basis, it seems odd that it should be otherwise. I'm afraid I have no experience of universities in other countries apart from very tenuously through DD's year at university in France, which was part of her UK university degree course, but is a 'school report' to parents (separate from any legal requirements to report to someone wrt e.g. conditions of a student's visa) the norm and the UK system an anomaly? (Genuinely curious btw).

My middle lad didn't engage with applications until the deadline loomed, and didn't do any Uni visits until offer days. I ever admire his procrastination skills.

Just keep the conversation going. I agree he seems a very typical yr12 boy. DS would have spent the day on the xbox too at that stage and he would still have been 16. It's too young for many to plan. He is happy as a first year student now. A lot of growing up happens in year13.

Good idea.

But don't even discuss gap year til after End of Year 12 exams though. He'll decide those aren't important because he won't need predicted grades. Then he'll miss a vital opportunity to consolidate learning at the end of Y12.

He may hear the exciting plans of all his friends and then decide he's missing out and want to spring into action. And then if he's done badly in one of the elements that make up the predicted grades, he'll have limited his options.

Very wise advice @mellicauli for the reasons you give. “Gap year” will not be uttered again until July!