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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

DS very unfocussed

44 replies

Worryingmother · 09/03/2023 13:10

My DS is a lovely lad but a bit lost. He's in year 12 and, during the NEU strike days when school was closed (two more coming up next week!) he was supposed to start exploring possibilities for university courses/apprenticeships etc. But instead it transpires that he just played on the Xbox/fiddled with his phone/watched TV (DH and I were out at work so he was home alone).

He says he wants to go to university and study modern languages. But I worry that he just wants the 'university experience' (I know he will love the social side) and wants to go because all his friends will be and it is just the expected thing to do next. He shows no interest in any specifics like researching courses etc. However, nor does he show any interest in getting a job when he leaves school/embarking on an apprenticeship etc.

My DH thinks DS should look at the army as an alternative to university but DS not inspired by that either. Plus there is no reason to assume the army would have him of course. He insists that he wants to go to university but, as I say, is not backing that up with action/investigation.

I would appreciate any advice as I am worrying about having such a demotivated DS. He is a kind, friendly and reasonably intelligent boy (certainly capable of getting into a good university) but just seems directionless and apathetic about his future. Perhaps this is normal but it is in stark contrast to my eldest who knew exactly what he wanted to do and set about making it happen.

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Original poster
Worryingmother · 09/03/2023 13:20

I think I should have posted this under ‘teenagers’ not ‘higher education’ but I don’t know how to move it!

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DitheringDan · 09/03/2023 13:29

Honestly? I would suggest a job. My son was similar, and took one 'gap year' job after another for a while. Then he decided after three years of work that he was never going to progress without a degree, applied (on the UCAS deadline date) and got offers from everywhere he applied.

He is doing far better at uni than either his oldest sibling, who went straight after school, or the next one who is on paper the higher flyer.

Actually -- DS was also an army musician for some years. All the discipline, none of the danger, and boy can he iron a shirt.

poetryandwine · 09/03/2023 15:07

Hi,@Worryingmother

I am a former university admissions tutor, and I think this is a lovely post. Of course you are concerned, and rightly, but this is really a very typical situation. When DC can’t or won’t take the lead on researching their own uni choices, it’ is sometimes a sign that they need to grow up a bit before beginning uni, if indeed this is the right path. Nothing wrong with that.

As academic advisors/personal tutors we all know the subset of students who never really engage. They usually underperform and seldom end up with a good degree, the kind that opens doors. The ones who discuss their back stories with me often attended uni from a sense of obligation (as they saw it).

Your DS may sharpen his focus over the next few months. If not, I think a gap year is in order. That should definitely include a job, if only to self fund any interesting opportunities (such as travel) he may wish to undertake during part of the time - after future plans are made. Those plans could include uni, apprenticeship, employment, etc.

I know this is really hard to watch, especially if other parents are nattering about the am itions of their DC. But I’ve also been in a position to work on the mental health problems of our students and I really believe that the ones who aren’t particularly engaged by their studies are more vulnerable. A gap year whilst figuring out what to do is a well respected path. Good luck

poetryandwine · 09/03/2023 15:09

am itions = ambitions

poetryandwine · 09/03/2023 15:10

Higher Ed is a fine olace for this

Original poster
Worryingmother · 09/03/2023 15:28

Thank you for your reassuring post @poetryandwine . A gap year is a great idea actually - he/we hadn’t considered one because a modern languages degree is an extra year anyway (with year 3 abroad I believe). I will talk to him about it - maybe a mixture of work here and spending time in countries where he can practise MFL (he’d have to work there too as we can’t afford to fund). You are so right about the situation seeming worse because other parents (understandably) bang on about their DC’s ambitions whereas my lovely DS is just listless!

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Original poster
Worryingmother · 09/03/2023 15:30

Agree about a job @DitheringDan. Your DS’ story is very inspiring

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Lovetotravel123 · 09/03/2023 15:32

He could also try getting a CELTA and teaching English abroad for a year before deciding about uni…

JussathoB · 09/03/2023 15:33

Tbh I think there are plenty of boys in yr 12 who would chill all day given the chance, I don’t think it’s necessarily proof that he’s not suited/going to struggle at uni. It seems a way off to him.
I would be more worried if he did the minimum homework.
His teachers will nag on and on over the next months to try and get them all ready to apply if they are going to get a place.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/03/2023 15:34

Give him a break. He’s only in y12.

He’s got an entire summer to research courses. Why are they doing it now? My dd is in y12. She doesn’t even know what she wants to do yet.

Original poster
Worryingmother · 09/03/2023 15:34

@Lovetotravel123 I will Google CELTA now - don’t know what it is. Thanks!

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JussathoB · 09/03/2023 15:38

Worryingmother · 09/03/2023 15:28

Thank you for your reassuring post @poetryandwine . A gap year is a great idea actually - he/we hadn’t considered one because a modern languages degree is an extra year anyway (with year 3 abroad I believe). I will talk to him about it - maybe a mixture of work here and spending time in countries where he can practise MFL (he’d have to work there too as we can’t afford to fund). You are so right about the situation seeming worse because other parents (understandably) bang on about their DC’s ambitions whereas my lovely DS is just listless!

Hmm getting an actual job in a foreign country can be a bit of a challenge and I’m not sure it sounds as if your DS is grown up enough for that yet. Start with a part time job in UK as long as study for A levels doesn’t suffer, language A levels are challenging and not easy to cram for at the last minute.

PritiPatelsMaker · 09/03/2023 15:47

Another one hear recommending a job instead of Uni.

DS has been working full time for a few months and it really has helped him to focus. He's gone from being like your DS in Y12 to being really quite focused now he's realised what the alternative is!

Plus he's done some growing up and has gained some useful skills.

BlueHeelers · 09/03/2023 15:53

He is a kind, friendly and reasonably intelligent boy (certainly capable of getting into a good university) but just seems directionless and apathetic about his future.

He needs to do a gap year - or two. From the way you describe him, he's not remotely suited to university at the moment. I've seen too many aimless young men wasting their shot at university. It's a crying shame. So let him wait till he's ready.

If he travels & works in countries where the languages he wants to study are spoken, that would be a huge asset for his studies pity about all those people voting for Brexit if he even decides to go to university.

It's not compulsory to go to university and there are lot of students who really would be better suited to other modes of education and training.

BlueHeelers · 09/03/2023 15:56

You are so right about the situation seeming worse because other parents (understandably) bang on about their DC’s ambitions whereas my lovely DS is just listless!

Agree with everything @poetryandwine says.

And I suspect @Worryingmother that those "DC's ambitions" might be better described as the "parents' ambitions for their DCS."

If he's a good kid, he'll come right in the end and find his thing. It really might not be university ... and that's OK.

PeekAtYou · 09/03/2023 16:02

My ds is like this too. I think that a gap year would do him good so if that's what happens then it wouldn't be the end of the world. He was the same about post GCSE ambitions and if he's going to uni and getting into big debt then he should be motivated or I fear he'll drop out.

In your ds 's case keeping up his language knowledge would be an issue if he's thinking of continuing a language rather than starting one afresh. Not sure if Brexit means that he could go to an EU country and work there

Does he have a part time job? My sons were meh about school but a lot more focused about work. They were much more interested in hearing about their colleagues' experiences of qualifications, Uni or Further Education than the careers teacher at school. One decided to do an apprenticeship and is happy with that decision. The other is on year 12 and understands that if he wants to earn well then he needs to continue learning after a-levels but doesn't really express an opinion on where that might be.

PeekAtYou · 09/03/2023 16:04

I am acutely aware that if he's going to Uni then open days and what not should be attended soon. Sigh...

PritiPatelsMaker · 09/03/2023 16:10

Could you sit with him @PeekAtYou and book a couple of Uni Open Days together.

What helped my DS realise that he really wanted to go was visiting Unis when they are full of students, so not necessarily an Open Day.

In Y12 we realised that he didn't know what a Campus Uni was so we visited the local one that weekend Wink

Dotcheck · 09/03/2023 16:12

Some people learn by doing/ seeing the options. Attending open days is far more useful that just looking at info online.

Researching uni can be very intimidating- perhaps ask him to book an open day for a local uni that offers his course. This may help him visualise how uni works, and may be a kick start

DitheringDan · 09/03/2023 18:16

Try Workaway for short-term experiences abroad? He could do as little as a week here and there if a long spell abroad is too much to plan at once.

bguthb90 · 09/03/2023 18:27

I'd give it another 6 months before starting to worry. At this point he's probably thinking I've just finished his GCSEs - what's the sudden rush to jump into thinking about university.

poetryandwine · 09/03/2023 21:53

Thanks for your kind words, OP. There are many reassuring stories and good tips here, and I agree with @bguthb90 that your worry is premature, although I understand it. (I did say that your DS may sharpen his focus over the next few months.) Whatever happens, I really believe that his life will come right sooner if he takes the lead and you support him. With the best will in the world, pushy parents often get it wrong.

I agree with @BlueHeelers that tiresome parents are talking more about their ambitions for their DC than anything else. It isn’t great for the DC. I’ve been dealing with the results for years

Original poster
Worryingmother · 09/03/2023 22:34

thank you very much for all your thoughtful replies and suggestions. I spoke to DS this evening and gently said that where he goes next is up to him - and he should feel free to start thinking about a gap year (to include a paid job) if he needs more time to reflect and decide. There is no pressure from us or expectation that he must go to uni.

He opened up that he feels inadequate because he compares himself to his high-flying elder brother who knew exactly what he wanted to study and where from about age 15.

i have just seen a post on here by a mum who has done her child’s university research for them. Feel a bit bad that it never even occurred to me to offer to help. Will read that thread and see if there are any useful suggestions.

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Wellillsayitifnoonelsewill · 09/03/2023 22:42

There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a gap “year” or two or three! Especially if you feel he would be going for the experience rather than the study of he went now.

now he’s opening up I would impress on him that it’s still important he puts in every effort into his alevels to keep his options open but then he can take the year or two off if he feels a bit unsure of what to do until he’s decided.

Original poster
Worryingmother · 09/03/2023 22:45

Agree 100% @Wellillsayitifnoonelsewill

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