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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

Uni Sport- initiation

64 replies

Chchchanging · 01/12/2022 08:25

Name changed for this and not sure where to post.
DS1 started uni this year. He finds making friends difficult and has had mental health issues since year 9. (His head is permanently full of over thinking, self doubt, rituals, and stress- had no official diagnosis). He also doesn't drink and finds socialising where alcohol is involved v difficult.
He joined the uni sport club for his team sport and has started to enjoy it. He even managed to go to one social.
Yest he went to an away match. The match itself was good.
On the way home on the bus he was pressurised into a game called 'gay chicken' and he had to full on kiss another player (same sex) twice. He pulled away v quickly and 'lost' but still feels like he has done an awful thing.
He is totally distraught and feels violated. He felt trapped in the bus and couldn't say no. He is usually good with peer pressure but this time he just couldn't back out.
I am disgusted that this stuff still goes on.
He will probably not go back to the club ever again now. He is coming home today (pre planned) and honestly if he hadn't been I would have had to go up. I am not sure what he might do.
I don't know how to handle it really. The club is run by the students there is no 'adult' invovlement.
I am so sad for him that his one foray into making friends is now prob over.
Not sure what the point of my post is really but I had to get it out somewhere.

OP posts:

Needmoresleep · 02/12/2022 13:39

megletthesecond · 02/12/2022 13:26

I'd be raising hell about this. If Uni can't run a sports team properly they should cancel it. This type of bullying needs to be stopped.

Teams are run by the students, not the University.

They come under the Student Union. DD turned up a couple of time to vote for Athletics Union people that would be supportive of women's sport. However the rugby boys and their friends tended to win.

There was some real misogyny going on. The women's football teams were regularly taunted for being "lesbian". Men's football and women's netball held joint socials. Women's football did not mind at all.

DD found it better in London, despite the headlines I posted about, though perhaps because it was not a major sport. The team were pretty international, social and welcoming and not cliquey. Though in fairness it was a medic team and struggling to field enough players. DD played quite a lot of club sport when she was at school. There were always a number of University students, either because they were at somewhere small St Georges, or wanted a better standard of play/training. If she had stayed in London this is what she would have done.

Needmoresleep · 02/12/2022 13:46

Another thing to mention is that the representative teams are really expensive to join. DD ended up having to buy a blazer as well as all the kit. Then gym fees, training fees, match fees, coach petrol and and and. Even getting to the training ground several times a week, and obviously the social side. She had GP placement the next morning somewhere with a once an hour bus, and had to leave the student flat at 6.30am, so not able to fully indulge in the regular big sports night (Wednesday) out, skipping off after "pre-pre's". It was quite late in the year when someone asked her, effectively, why she was so stand-offish. They understood her explanation but it brought home that even within what was a friendly group, it is important to take part.

Howamihere · 02/12/2022 14:04

By the sounds of it it seems time the student wokerati checked their own back yard!!…
Really sad this still goes on - I gave up a sport I loved (& was good at) because of an initiation involving weetabix and a litre of vodka…
i reckon the ‘lawyer’ poster above is on the defensive because this may be the sort of behaviour her (possibly public school🤔) kids embrace…
I’m sorry your son finds himself in this predicament @Chchchanging - I totally second him getting involved with a local club rather than the Uni one.

Ciri · 02/12/2022 14:21

“The lawyer” isn’t defensive. “The lawyer” is particular about allegations of criminal behaviour being correct since that serves nobody. It simply isn’t assault. It’s a fact.

titchy · 02/12/2022 17:17

the OPs son agreed, he regretted it. It certainly wasn’t assault.

He didn't want to - that's the difference between sleeping with someone, then regretting it the next day. Consent has to be willingly and freely given. His wasn't. He was coerced. Peer pressure is mighty strong coercion.

Radioten · 02/12/2022 17:45

@Ciri

As a lawyer, you ought to take a look at the British Universities and Colleges (Bucs) definition of a problem initiation and how they define an initiation.

www.bucs.org.uk/report-an-initiation/what-is-a-problem-initiation.html

The OPs description of what happened to her son fits the definition of a problem initiation and they encourage reporting of such behaviour.

thing47 · 02/12/2022 18:10

Needmoresleep · 02/12/2022 13:46

That's interesting @Needmoresleep, when my DCs represented their universities at their chosen sports they got free gym, free kit and the travel (by coach/minibus) was laid on for them and paid for by the SU. They did have to get themselves to training, which was frequently early in the morning or quite late into the evening, but that was the only cost I can recall.

I won't bang on any more because I don't want to derail the main point of the thread, but I am slightly surprised your DCs didn't get more help.

RampantIvy · 02/12/2022 18:24

This is going to sound harsh but he’s an 18 year old “adult” now. These things happen in team sport.

That doesn't make it OK
A student died at DD's university at an initiation event.

@Ciri you clearly have no idea about how peer pressure affects people? Have you always been this socially unaware?

fUNNYfACE36 · 02/12/2022 18:24

Dd is in 3 sports societies at Durham and has had no problems at all

fUNNYfACE36 · 02/12/2022 18:30

The thing us op he us an adult now and needs to be able to say no.I mean if he was being pressured to do something criminal, he would be do defence to say he felt he couldnt say no

EwwSprouts · 02/12/2022 21:28

It's an initiation if they're targeting the new faces and it's bullying. To all those who say but he's an adult and 18, I say the missing Covid years have impacted the maturity/social experiences of 18 year olds and if someone reported bullying in the workplace would your response be you're an adult get a grip?

erinaceus · 03/12/2022 01:00

But @Ciri , what you seem to be saying is that it is not assault in the legal sense and therefore it is permissible.

You also seem to be saying that the behaviour is such that if it were reported to the SU, the result would be the club being shut down. If the behaviour is so bad that the SU would shut down the club, how do you reach the conclusion that the behaviour ought not be reported? Are you saying that the SU's governance procedures of its own clubs are overly draconian and therefore minor infringements ought to be swept under the carpet?

boys3 · 03/12/2022 12:35

I am both saddened and angered that you son had to experience this op

It does seem that some uni sports are more prone to this than others; although I'm not sure that it follows that some unis are particularly worse across the board than others.

One of my DS, although now a postgrad, plays at BUCS premier level and thankfully in a team and uni where there would be zero tolerance of such behaviour. However this is a less traditional sport with a significant coaching staff, and a culture that sets very clear behavioural expectations all within a highly physical and high contact sport. They place a lot of emphasis and a lot of social media promotion on the mental health benefits of sports, and their own commitment as individuals, as a team and within their wider uni and local community to this. The team is made up of both undergrads and post-grads and perhaps some of those 23/24 year olds bring a different level of maturity. As far as I can tell - admittedly from afar - they genuinely try to walk the walk rather than just talk the talk.

What struck me having been to some of their games both home and away - and all a considerable distance from where we live - was how many of the team and all the coaching staff made a point of coming up to introduce themselves and thank us for coming to support them.

Kazzyhoward · 03/12/2022 13:57

I think this is awful. There are few enough Uni clubs/societies for "quiet" lads as it is, especially if you're not into drinking, "Alpha Male sports" and politics. Sadly, my DS experienced similar - he "joined" lots of clubs during Freshers' week but all have fallen by the wayside, mostly due to the drinking culture and the bullying, or as they call it "banter". It's such a shame.

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