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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Uni Sport- initiation

64 replies

Chchchanging · 01/12/2022 08:25

Name changed for this and not sure where to post.
DS1 started uni this year. He finds making friends difficult and has had mental health issues since year 9. (His head is permanently full of over thinking, self doubt, rituals, and stress- had no official diagnosis). He also doesn't drink and finds socialising where alcohol is involved v difficult.
He joined the uni sport club for his team sport and has started to enjoy it. He even managed to go to one social.
Yest he went to an away match. The match itself was good.
On the way home on the bus he was pressurised into a game called 'gay chicken' and he had to full on kiss another player (same sex) twice. He pulled away v quickly and 'lost' but still feels like he has done an awful thing.
He is totally distraught and feels violated. He felt trapped in the bus and couldn't say no. He is usually good with peer pressure but this time he just couldn't back out.
I am disgusted that this stuff still goes on.
He will probably not go back to the club ever again now. He is coming home today (pre planned) and honestly if he hadn't been I would have had to go up. I am not sure what he might do.
I don't know how to handle it really. The club is run by the students there is no 'adult' invovlement.
I am so sad for him that his one foray into making friends is now prob over.
Not sure what the point of my post is really but I had to get it out somewhere.

OP posts:
Chchchanging · 01/12/2022 08:27

BTW this is not a same sex issue. He would have felt the same if he had been forced to kiss a member of the opposite sex.

OP posts:
TinDogTavern · 01/12/2022 08:30

Report to the Students' Union and/or University (it depends from Uni to Uni who runs student sport). They are usually shit hot at coming down heavily on 'initiations' like this. There are discipline rules in place and sanctions for the club and its committee members who allow this stuff to go on. DM me if you need more info (I work for an SU)

I'm very sorry for what happened to your son. What a horrible experience.

Chchchanging · 01/12/2022 08:37

Thank you. I'll speak to DS later. I guess if we complain that's the end of his team sport. He will be even more isolated than he is now. I am starting to think uni is not for him.
Why are humans so f ing unkind.

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Littlemissprosecco · 01/12/2022 08:41

im so sorry op. I have very quiet shy dds. They are at uni, but it’s been hard.
Not all humans are unkind, but uni is definitely a strange place, full of drink and bravado.
He will find his people, with time, and support.

SandyIrvine · 01/12/2022 09:02

DDs BF had a similar experience (rugby). He's quite a laid back guy but felt really uncomfortable. Asked around and found a local (non-uni) club - it's very inclusive, prides itself on improving mens mental health and is active in the local community. Much better fit. He's made real friends from the club.

I'd report the uni club and encourage your DS to find something else.

Chchchanging · 01/12/2022 10:47

Thanks both
He is in the local city team too but they haven't been great either. V cliquey and its currently a 40min drive away and no one seems willing to offer lifts so it's died a death. He has tried. He can't afford £30 for an uber every week (no bus service)
I know people may think it's him but honestly he is such a lovely lad but not the usual 'drunk idiot sportsperson'.
He just wants to play. Have a chat and go home.
And that seems too much to ask....

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SandyIrvine · 01/12/2022 13:39

Does his uni offer more informal (intramural) sports? When my DS2 began his masters he put a note on the blackboard if anyone fancied getting together for a game of football each week then to fill out sheet on the door. Lots signed up. DS2 says intramural sport much less toxic. Also no travelling to games and no compulsion to socialise with team mates (but always someone in the bar if you want).

Radioten · 02/12/2022 08:09

DD1 Had an awful experience with a sports club at her uni in 1st year. She tried to join a common team sports she'd played at school and club level for 9 years.

She got the picture very quickly that she wouldn't fit in. Trials and the first socials were designed to humiliate 1st yrs and weed out the ones who were not like them.

Sadly intramural sport is poor at her uni and does not include her sport so she's not been able to play the sport she loves.

She's found a different sport in her 2nd year which is more casually run for fun. Turn up and play, no competitions, and met genuinely nice and inclusive students from all year groups. Perhaps your ds could try that. Look for the sports that aren't part of BUCs.

I don't think anything will change in universities whilst sports clubs are run by other students and the cycle continues each year. We're still fairly sad that she doesn't get to play her sport because the club is run by cliquey immature 'children' but she'll play again when she graduates.

I would still complain to paid staff at the University so it continues to be flagged as an issue.

user1494050295 · 02/12/2022 08:12

Report the SU. It can be in confidence. This type of behaviour needs to be reported

Clymene · 02/12/2022 08:20

That is disgusting. Sexual coercion and homophobia.

SierraSapphire · 02/12/2022 08:25

My DD has joined a club too and I was horrified at some of the drinking games, being asked to reveal sexual activities, and being picked on by years 2 and 3. She's very outgoing and has been okay, but it must exclude so many students for all the talk of Gen Zs being the most inclusive generation.

Needmoresleep · 02/12/2022 09:04

Our experience is that it can be a real problem, especially in the more established sports. DS does not drink, so though he was a regular and competent player he did not get selected for any of his (not very sporty) university’s ten teams. He reckoned the lower seven teams were selected on drinking ability alone. London, so it was fine. He joined a friend and took part in an individual sport at another University, and started playing football in a local seven a side league.

DD also played football but the girls team was far less established and did not come with the same baggage. A flatmate played a girls school sport and at the end of the initiation evening appears to have been dumped outside their house in the cold, disheveled and completely incoherent, with no memory of the evening. They had to carry her into the shower and put her to bed.

Initiations will be banned. They still happen. Bad behaviour, especially in some of the boys teams still happens. (At both DCs universities the rugby team ended up getting temporary suspensions for some pretty awful behaviour.) The surprise at University is that the adults running the sport are your peers. No games teacher to intervene or to select the squad. It’s a bit like the workplace, though without the life experience. Though most places will be fine you can find yourself in a dysfunctional environment with cliques and bullies. DD found that third years seemed to selected over first years. Not that surprising given it was third years doing the selecting. In her second year, her chances of selection increased as she had earned her place as part of the group, but she decided to drop down to a lower less competitive team as it was more casual and fun. In addition she joined friends playing a (very) minor and new sport but gave up after discovering that so few Universities played it that fixtures were all over the place. She also discovered during freshers week that the people who played another minor sport that she had played at school were not really her people.

Playing sport at University is worthwhile. It is a chance to meet other sporty people away from your course and student flat, and a good way of relieving stress and getting exercise. However it comes with problems. If you don’t fit with the culture of the team, you either put up with it or look for an alternative. Perhaps the issue is that people unhappy with the prevailing culture don’t stay to change it, and given clubs and societies are largely self managed, the ability of a University or SU to do much is limited. My advice would be to look for alternatives and you should eventually find your people.

(A very small tip. If there is a medical school at the University there will be medics teams, who often struggle to find 11 players, and may be open to ringers. Most are not a great standard, but they can be more open and fun. Fixtures are more likely to be with local teams, so less travelling.)

NormalNans · 02/12/2022 09:08

Please encourage your son to contact the student mental health / well-being service. They can help with his mental health, potentially get him reasonable adjustments for assignments etc and support him to report this if he wants to. Doesn’t even have to come from him but they can raise the concern on his behalf to the union and university leadership.

healthadvice123 · 02/12/2022 09:10

My ds has read about all this things happening and so didn't join the sport he loves at uni

Hillrunning · 02/12/2022 09:29

I work at a University, this could be flagged anonymously (assuming others were playing the game too). If he really doesn't want to report and would like to try ro remain part of the team, get in touch with the wellbeing team to discuss strategies for being more firm in such situations. It's an unpleasant situation for so many reasons but he probably wasn't the only one not okay with it.

Ciri · 02/12/2022 09:38

This is going to sound harsh but he’s an 18 year old “adult” now. These things happen in team sport. Some sports more than others. He must have been aware of that. I’m a 50 year old woman who has never played rugby but I know that if you’re part of a rugby team for example there’s a good chance you’ll fairly frequently see others getting their knobs out or downing disgusting combinations of alcohol until they vomit or eating disgusting things and a good chance that all team mates will be “encouraged” to participate.

How does reporting this help your ds? It doesn’t. He felt upset at what he did. Others don’t have. He needs to move on and if he doesn’t feel he can be part of the team anymore then that’s fine but getting the team disbanded because you don’t agree with them snogging (each to his own) is a horrible thing to do.

healthadvice123 · 02/12/2022 09:40

@Ciri my dh plays adult rugby and why they do have a laugh and drink , some team members don't drink and no one pushes them to
I know because I am in the club with them, also as new younger members join they really are conscious of them
This is more than a drinking game

Ciri · 02/12/2022 09:41

That should have said “others don’t have the same view”

regret about choosing to do something is not the same as being forced to do it.

healthadvice123 · 02/12/2022 09:43

@Ciri what is a horrible thing to do is to force someone to do something they don't want to do
No one is forced to drink in my dh team and a fair few don't as have to drive home etc and noone would be forced to do as the OP describes or play that game in the first place
There is having a laugh and drinking games and stupid stuff like shaving foam in boots etc but this is another level

healthadvice123 · 02/12/2022 09:44

@Ciri he was pressured into a game not good

Ciri · 02/12/2022 09:45

healthadvice123 · 02/12/2022 09:40

@Ciri my dh plays adult rugby and why they do have a laugh and drink , some team members don't drink and no one pushes them to
I know because I am in the club with them, also as new younger members join they really are conscious of them
This is more than a drinking game

He felt trapped in the bus and couldn't say no.

see I disagree. He could have said no, he chose to go along with it. If he’s said no he might have had some teasing and stick but generally in good humour. I mean all it takes is a comment along the lines of “well I’ve been able to tell that you lot have been gagging to snog one another since day one so go ahead but I’ll sit here and dream of my girlfriend who can actually kiss properly”

Ciri · 02/12/2022 09:48

healthadvice123 · 02/12/2022 09:43

@Ciri what is a horrible thing to do is to force someone to do something they don't want to do
No one is forced to drink in my dh team and a fair few don't as have to drive home etc and noone would be forced to do as the OP describes or play that game in the first place
There is having a laugh and drinking games and stupid stuff like shaving foam in boots etc but this is another level

He wasn’t forced his mum says he felt trapped on a bus and couldn’t say no. That really isn’t the same thing at all.

This poor boy has mental health difficulties and he didn’t want to not join in. That’s a shame and probably means this wasn’t the right environment for him if he can’t say no to things. But it’s not a reason to make it out as a big sex crime and to punish the other students by getting their team closed down.

erinaceus · 02/12/2022 09:51

Partly to speak to what @Ciri said: I have the impression that people who find this kind of ritual great japes and hilarious cannot get their head around how for others this kind of behaviour is humiliating, distressing and cruel. It's mean to behave like that and it is unnecessary. It's not the snogging that's the problem, it's the hazing.

I don't think you can get out of your argument by saying "he could have said no". Peer pressure like that has a real power. You are basically saying he needs to quickly think of some smart arsed comment to save face, and if he can't do that then he doesn't belong in their club. If it is a uni-run sports club all should be welcome.

Maybe reporting does not do a lot for your DS directly, but it does do others a service to mention what has happened to the SU's welfare officer. I don't think reporting has to be done in a "something must be done" type mentality, more to try to to educate sports team leaders that whilst for them this is all part of sport, not everybody's psyche works that way and they are being exclusive and nasty.

For your son: in my SU studious types played Ultimate Frisbee so he could have a bash at that?

Chchchanging · 02/12/2022 09:54

Thanks for all your views

And sorry others have struggled too with this issue. I find it very sad that uni Sport remains stuck back in time.
The SU code of conduct specifically out laws peer pressure and initiation ceremonies in sports teams. So they act outside these rules.
I am leaving it to him to decide what to do.
The fact that my 6 foot 2 inch lad felt unable to say no to a sexual based act for others amusement on a minibus is not imo a reflection of his weakness. Its assault. But then I guess he should just move on and forget all about it?
Because he is the one unable to shake it off.
If this was a girl being forced to do this with a boy everyone would be up in arms.
But hey I'll let him know @ciri That actually it's his fault.

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Chchchanging · 02/12/2022 09:57

Oh and yes he has mental health issues. Which his sport helps him with.
But yet again he should give that up. Because others can't follow their own Club rules.

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