What do you say or do when your child fails?

[RabbitTerror]

In the past when faced with failure, to be honest it didn't really matter.

But what do you do or say when it does matter, when there are no more chances?

I'm thinking music & drama students down grading their dreams. The brightest kids of the year not getting an Oxbridge interview.

We're waiting for news after an audition, it does matter, if its a no it does alter the next few years. How do we help our kids rationalise that and move on.

All suggestions including what not to say welcome!

I think any platitudes sound patronising. So don’t say anything. Let them be disappointed, annoyed, upset, angry. I wouldn’t even try to cheer them up I’d just agree it’s shit at the moment. Won’t be shit forever but at the moment it absolutely is. Give them time. BUT it doesn’t really matter. Not really. No-ones died. I think as a parent you have to have that mindset too whilst allowing them to ‘grieve’.

You need to keep an adult perspective - it will feel like a dream shattered to your young person, and you have to allow them to grieve that. But the adult in you must reassure them that other dreams will follow and be at the end of the new path they'll be setting out on.

In all honesty, there are also other ways to skin a cat - Oxbridge for example is not the dream, it's a route to something, and there are many other routes. Similarly dance/music/drama there are options - though it must be said that resilience is particularly important in those careers.

But surely we go through that a lot in life - knockbacks set backs, things not being as we want them? Or maybe that just me?

Relationships fail, we don't get the house or the job or the child we desire m, we don't get the m uni place or we don't get the part. Does it matter that it's oxbridge or a high profile audition.

We just say plan b times And we come up with it. We give a bit of time and space. We a r dead for a while. We have low-key nice things at home . It's not the end of the world.

Sorry it's not worked out for you. That's what you say and the move into the next thing whatever that may be.

We are sad for a while! What a typo

Be honest, it's shit, sometimes you can't sugarcoat it. One of my children missed out on something massive due to the pandemic. He worked so hard for the opportunity and it would have been life changing.

Be sad but philosophical, and quote the Dalai Lama:

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

In other words, one door closes but unknown others may open.

I think the work has to be done before the big disappointment and you probably have already worked on the foundations.
Our children should be allowed to experience small disappointments from early days. From not getting the second biscuit when they are two years old, to not getting the toy, through losing a pet, maybe a grandparent, not getting the riding lessons, a house move they didn't quite fancy etc.
So that by the time the big disappointments come they have resilience in abundance. And even this disappointing thing is only preparations for even bigger stuff that we all go through sorry to say.
No one escapes!

I'm steeling myself, partly because for every place there's five disappointed.

There's a Plan B that we have for a long time been very positive about.

There's been the pride of going for it.

Somehow the closer the deadline, the more anguished the wait. I hate being the grown up, I'm going to have to put my mature face on rather than throwing an epic tantrum on the floor of the supermarket when the news comes through.

And Hollywood is not helping, Netflix is showing me nothing but against all odds nerd triumphs type films.
Can anyone recommend nerd fails but finds a happy and contented path via Plan B or C.

You have to grieve the lost opportunity but I do think that when one door closes another opens. It may not feel like it at the time but when you look back you see the key points in your life and realise many 'bad' ones were good.

When our daughter’s A level results meant she did get into her first choice university, we kept telling her that second choice need not mean second best. This proved to be a case and she had a wonderful time, making many friends and she was able to carry on to study for a master’s degree at the same university, which she passed with distinction across the board.

This makes me think it's more about your feelings and how you will cope with it rather than how you will help your child.

Take a step back. The pride is still there. Privately address how you will cope with the rejection of you child rather than help the the child deal with the rejection.

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The es, this sounds very much about your hopes and dreams.

Honestly, no one is going to die here (I assume!) That being the case, it's about giving some space and time and making the right noises about how disappointing it is. And then, after a short wallow, it's about gaining the sense of perspective and just cracking on

Sometimes no just means “not now” or “not yet”
A year out, a good quality back up choice, or the chance to take a break from auditioning and remember what else you enjoy, they’re all valid.

Re a film, Last Christmas is a good one, the aspiring actress is working in a shop, doesn’t make it big, but finds a new set of friends and a new way to use her creative skills,

Best of luck x

I have a spiritual belief so try to work on the Dalai Lama concept mentioned above - that the universe has different plans for us and just because it's not we want it doesn't mean it's not right.

Is the audition for drama school? You can always reapply. If the audition is for tv/ film / RSC / westend there will always be other auditions. Surely everyone knows the world of acting is brittle? All thespians, get knock backs , and most take at least 5-10 years before their careers take off. It's a very competitive world, but drama school warns you and prepares you for this. Most thespians 'beef' out their earnings by doing various temping roles, which allow for flexibility with working hours so they can attend auditions.
I don't see why the drama over 'last chance salon' it's daft. If someone is good enough to get through the numerous recalls of auditions then they will eventually get work, but acting is very much 'if the face or voice fits'.
Similarly if someone is bright enough to apply for Oxbridge they needed to be reminded that their intelligence stands them already in good stead, and puts them way ahead of most of their peers. Plenty of other good universities, btw oxbridge does not guarantee a job.
Look at their strengths don't dwell on the failures. Use the failure to improve on those skills needed.

One of my big regrets when my son failed most of his GCSEs is I did not just simply hug him and tell him it would all work out. I think I looked at the results and said I could not say I wasn't disappointed, and probably just got practical about what to do next. I think that put him on the defensive. He was in shock, and found out in front of all his friends. I so wish I could go back in time. I'd just give him a huge cuddle and tell him everything would be ok. So step one, do that.

Any creative career comes with a lot of no' s.

There's lots of stuff they could read or look at to help cope.

For example, BBC archive recently released lots of letters from famous actors who wrote to the BBC years and years ago to get auditions and got rejected. Some of them clearly made it later on. Eg Sheila Hancock.

How to Fail podcast is brilliant.

And Growth Mindset, Carole Dweck.

It's about taking the learning from each opportunity so perhaps you can do better next time.

It's ok to acknowledge that disappointment is natural though. Sometimes it's just not your time though and that sucks.

Thankyou everyone and @mondaytosunday for your reflection and willingness to change.

When I 'failed' back in my teen years what my parents said and then continued to say over the next couple of decades was shocking.

My favourite example was the head tilt followed by shame it's not BBC1, it was only prime time BBC2 ! !

It's not about me. I just don't want to be that parent. Well I suppose I just don't want to fail at parenting at the crunch moment.

Allow them to be disappointed. And reassure them that there are many more opportunities they can't even begin to see at the moment. A cliche, but true. There are so many ways of having a fulfilling life that meets their interests and talents. The conventional path isn't always the best path

My DD was rejected half a dozen times from her dream drama school. She got on with her life, worked, applied every year, getting to the middle auditions then "no". She succeeded on her sixth attempt and is now at RADA. Her determination, resilience, sheer grit, will stand her in such good stead throughout her life, is essential for any creative person, and makes me far more proud than the actual success she's achieved. Tell your child it might take several attempts

There are two issues here: the first is that if you can’t take rejection you shouldn’t be considering a career in the performing arts.
Secondly, you can’t make it better but you can be there for your DC, hold their hand, give them tissues, and then help them plan their next step.
Hundreds of teenagers fail to get the grades they need for their university of choice every year, but they pick themselves up, apply to clearing, and go on to have successful academic careers.
Unfortunately you DC needs a back up plan and something to fall back on. Harrison Ford was a carpenter in between early jobs.

For example, BBC archive recently released lots of letters from famous actors who wrote to the BBC years and years ago to get auditions and got rejected.

Oooh, my mother in law claims to have once rejected Sean Connery for a part (because she didn't like his face). Wonder if she's in there?

I think we need to recategorise "failure". Not getting into Oxbridge is not a failure FFS.

I like to think that "not now" doesn't mean "not ever".
There are many roads to get to the same destination.

And Hollywood is not helping, Netflix is showing me nothing but against all odds nerd triumphs type films.

They are bad for that - only one of top of my head for not doing that is Monsters University - they fucked up got kicked out and had to find another way to get where they wanted.

I think there's acknowledging it's disappointing and finding the next step or keeping enthusiasm for plan B going but in a sensitive way.

DS is currently going through the Oxbridge process. He’s got 9A* and excellent references and loves his subject. He’d be brilliant there, but he knows it’s a lottery.

if he doesn’t get an offer he’s phlegmatic and reckons he’ll probably have a better time somewhere else.

if he gets a rejection and he felt more strongly, I’d recommend trying again if his A level results merit it. Or thinking again.

I think it’s a question of balance. Supporting à disappointed child vs encouraging them to try again…