What do you say or do when your child fails?

[RabbitTerror]

In the past when faced with failure, to be honest it didn't really matter.

But what do you do or say when it does matter, when there are no more chances?

I'm thinking music & drama students down grading their dreams. The brightest kids of the year not getting an Oxbridge interview.

We're waiting for news after an audition, it does matter, if its a no it does alter the next few years. How do we help our kids rationalise that and move on.

All suggestions including what not to say welcome!

I think you need to make space for the disappointment before you start talking about the next thing. One often feels one ought to be saying something wise or to make it better, and I think it's often preferable to resist that urge and just sympathise. Doesn't need to be anything profound, just "I'm really sorry that this didn't go your way" or whatever. Then, when they've had a chance to feel and talk about their disappointment, you can start thinking about Plan B.

Thank you, it's been helpful to play this through before she gets a yes/no.

Both of her plans are valid, interesting and fun. Part of it is the illusion of choice, if one says no does that make the second one a choice or a compensation prize. if she had to choose Plan B might actually be better.... its also her choice, DH & I are very aware that its all down to her, we're supporting characters rather than main players now.

And yes, we have been building up to this for years, every turn with the favoured playgroup toy, every time picked at school or not.

In these days of crazy good exam results and internships and helicopter parenting, the whole muddle through and fall into something seems to get less publicity.

It's tough. I have one dd who went through vocational dance school and drama school but got a no to getting drama school funding and a ds who is currently at conservatoire but has also had plenty of no's including a no for something one year but then a yes the following year.

Also currently helping a young person with applications who just got a no to the music college he always wanted.

You have to let them try, but realise that it might not always be possible and often Plan B works out for the best anyway.

From my long experience of watching students through their 3 undergraduate years, and the increasing number of post-graduation tutorials, basically asking me "Why didn't I get a First?" is that "failure" is rarely final.

I tend to think that people often get to where they want to go, but rarely by the route that they thought they would take.

Our daughter has a useful phrase. Shit happens. Quite colloquial but very useful in helping one accept that we can’t always plan, can’t always expect the best outcome and have to learn to deal with disappointment or worse.

No Oxbridge? Wait a year and reapply or go to Durham or Exeter.
Not getting selected at an audition? Go to more auditions or choose another path.

Failing can be very good for us all sometimes. The younger we allow it to happen and teach them life is still good, the better.

@RabbitTerror I get you. My dd is applying for drama school and we know that there's every chance she may not get any offers. The amount that apply each year is terrifying. It's not as easy as accepting second choice, there may well not be any choices.

However as a plan B we are helping her to put together potential ideas for a year out and then she'll try again. After that who knows ...