Is there a higher level of unhappy students at the moment?

[user73]

DS is hopefully going off to university next September but getting a bit worried about hearing so many stories of this year's cohort being unhappy. Lots of stories coming back from kids in the year above of large numbers of unsociable flat mates who just stay in their rooms looking a screens, extremely high levels of drugs amongst those who do go out, problems with accommodation (cleaning in particular), kids sticking with people they know from school, pressure to organise a second year house in the first few weeks of term, lack of teaching going on etc.

Is this normal and I'm just noticing it more because of the age of my DC or is there more than usual? Reports are from Exeter, Lancaster, Warwick, Leeds in particular.

Could it be that there problems adjusting due to the covid years or are our kids finding it harder to be independent because we do more for them? I remember being delighted to be independent and mixing with new people.

I do believe there's more MH and anxiety than there's ever been before.

But just as a contrast, ds is loving Nottingham. And all his old friends, who are at different Uni's are having a great time. and I had to go to a ds2 school meeting, and so met 20 parents the other night, of Ds1's peers. And they are all having a ball. So 70+ successes. In fact out if the year of 200+ we've only heard of 1 come home.

So many are doing just fine.

Another with a first year DS who seems to be happy. He's sociable but not a party animal. As a PP said sport has made a huge difference to his settling in. His flat are not sociable but he is sharing a house next year with some from the flat below.

A huge contrast to my friend's DS who went in 20/21 who never got to know anyone to the extent that in year two he had no-one to share a house with.

I think a lot of student societies are struggling. Many effectively crumbled in COVID because they couldn’t meet, and like anyone, there’s only so many Zoom socials one can be enthusiastic for. But it’s meant that they’re now struggling to fill committee positions and don’t necessarily have the ‘blueprints’ of how to function in person.

I think there’s also a sense that this year’s freshers should be grateful that everything is ‘normal’ and they can socialise so if they’re finding it hard then it must be them. It can lead to a bit of a sense that the first years can’t complain because the second/third years had it so much worse. Again it’s that gap in shared experience, rather than the older years being reassuring and being able to relate their experiences, there’s a level of (understandable) resentment in some quarters.

DD in third year at Lancaster and definitely didn't have the same negative experience as others. Yes, first year was tough with so much online and staying at home for the second term, but she had a fairly substantial rent refund due to that. She was lucky to have chosen townhouse accommodation so her 'household' was quite large.
Subsequent years have been excellent. Teaching almost entirely in person and really enjoying societies. She's found the work hard but obviously hadn't actually sat any exams since GCSE!
She definitely doesn't regret going despite a tricky first year. I don't recognise some of what's being said about Lancaster here from her first year experience. Not to say others were as fortunate though.

My DD is a second year student in Stirling and they have not properly gone back to f2f teaching.

She moved out of halls last year as they were such poor quality and she was going to only have one lecture every 3 weeks.

She still only has one seminar per fortnight in person where she commutes.

She has had almost no contact with other members of her course except a group assignment which she found a nightmare.

Luckily her best friend from her HE course shares a couple of units with her so they can support one another because she has not managed to make any friends on her course.

I went to university in the 90s. I know of one person that dropped out. Because it was so unusual that everyone talked about it! I think some people were miserable but they mostly just go on with it. Whether this is a good thing or not is another question of course.

I do think increased costs make a difference. Paying a fortune to be miserable for 3 years is clearly not attractive. However, especially looking at the posts on WIWIKAU, I do wonder if some of the young people might just be better advised to stick it out for a bit longer before throwing in the towel. It seems very early (if you started this year) to already have decided that you don't like your course/flat/being away from home.

I was also at uni in the early 90s. My friend dropped out (with a view to intercalating but never did). It was a big deal and unusual. She did it because.she failed part 1 and then basically lost her nerve plus there were some issues with her boyfriend but she had a great time as a fresher so it wasn’t about living away as such.

It depends so much on the individual student, my DS is now in his final year at Nottingham Trent and despite the Covid constraints has had a great time and made some very good friends. He is confident and outgoing which must help though .. he also plays a sport so got into the 'Team' and made friends that way as well ...

Definitely seems to be more an issue this year. Perhaps many DC who have anxiety exacerbated by the pandemic.

DS, who is v resilient, ended up in non uni accom, a city 7 hours away from
home, with a mix of flatmates from different years and unis. He’s had to work it, and work it hard. Got himself into two sports teams (despite initial rejection), and went to the SU bar most nights the first few weeks and got to know other freshers watching footy and playing pool. Also worked it on his course and now has a group of around 12 friends, 4 of which he’s signed up for accommodation with next year.

I mention this as my DD wouldn’t be able to do this. Depending on the circs your DC end up in - dodgy, messy, druggy flatmates etc, they would need determination resilience and get up and go in order to overcome it. There’s only so much that’s in their control but I guess you need to be confident they’d need to be able to deal with it.

I think it’s partly down to social media too. They can see what their mates are doing. That wasn’t the case before

I think it’s partly down to social media too. They can see what their mates are doing. That wasn’t the case before

I agree. This increases the FOMO.

ds1’s friend is looking to move from a top RG university where she’s studying a course that is very difficult to get into and go to a different university at the other end of the country which is far less well regarded. All because friends from school are there together and partying hard with photos all over instagram.

Pre mobile phones nobody would have had a clue what their friends from school were doing until they came back for Christmas (unless they wrote them a letter!)

My DS came off all social media in sixth form as it really affected his mental health. All he could see was his peers having great times while he was struggling. It's really important to remind our DC that social media isn't real life - at best it's a snapshot of what's going on at any given time.

Well social media has been around a fair while now - I graduated 10 years ago and we very much had Facebook and the like, although I think general attitudes towards it have changed. We used to post albums and albums full of the warts and all photos showing everything (far too much really!) rather than the very curated approach teens seem to take today.

I do think the expectation that you should have solid friends by this stage strange. In any other sphere of life you’d think it odd if someone was declaring that people they’d met only a few weeks ago were their best friends ever and that they were all going to move in together! Having people you are friendly with (as opposed to being friends) is probably a bit more normal at this point, though hard to get across to young adults who think everyone else is having a better time than them.

The other aspect of social media is that it's so easy to stay in touch with your existing friends, so that there is less "need" to make new ones (and this generation were mid-teens through lockdown so well practiced at keeping friendships going in a purely virtual way).

I have the opposite situation - DS is doing an apprenticeship, so he is staying put, while all his friends have gone to university. I tentatively suggested he might like to join some local clubs to get to know some new people (the people he is working with are mostly middle aged), but his social life is apparently full enough with keeping in touch with a load of people online, and the occasional visit to his existing friends/seeing them when they come back for visits.

My DD is doing well enough in 2nd year but we know of 4 or 5 local friends/friends kids who dropped out of 1st year and restarted this year at different universities or didn't go back.

My DD is studying sciences and has little free time. From afar, cto DH and me, it doesnt look like she's enjoying the extras of university life as much as she ought to. I think money and the costs of everything are always at the forefront of her mind. She's due to have a paid placement year and I'm hoping she might appreciate her 4th year back at uni more after a year of work.

I do think having lockdowns in both years of 6th form have had an impact. They didn't have open days or offer holder days. She's met some very immature and unfriendly people - which surprised her. It's like 16 year olds started uni. Lots of mean girl type behaviour which might just be down to social media usage. 2nd year housing is awful - everyone she knows is in a damp, cshit house. I think houses were neglected the few years previous. Houses left without heating all winter, if students went home during covid. Issues not reported or dealt with due to covid lockdowns. This has added to stress and misery and is more painful as cost of rents and bills (on top of food and socialising) have risen.

DS is at Exeter and very happy (Year 2) but it was a bumpy start. Thankfully he made a huge effort to join things/ get involved/ meet people etc in first year and it has paid off. Now has a lovely supportive group of friends.

We were much more involved in the early days than we were with DS1 four years ago though . I think the covid cohort had missed out on some key elements of young adult socialisation (drinking/ clubs/ travel) which meant that they were less independent and the break away from home was more of a shock.

He definitely knows of peers who just fail to engage with uni at any level - don't turn up to lectures, don't reply to emails, don't pull their weight in group work etc. Somehow they have scraped through into the next year!

I think the mental health support at most unis is woefully inadequate and it's all a bit sink or swim. I suspect those that are doing OK are the students with involved, supportive parents who are doing some 'distance helicoptering' and providing support if things deteriorate too far. Amongst my parent peers we all have stories of midnight tearful calls, collecting ill offspring for a few days R&R respite, and help navigating new experiences like rogue landlords and dodgy tenancy agreements.

I know on MN there's sometimes an attitude of 'FFS, they're 18, leave them to get on with it!' but from what I see, a lot of them are struggling and overloaded for much of the first two terms and really need help to learn how to navigate everything.

'distance helicoptering'

That's a really good way of describing it. I had about 2 months of that with DD in first year. Coaching her through the early weeks kept her there. She loves her course so that helped too.

Agree, with covid cohort, it was too much to cope with all at once - they didn't get the gradual practice through 6th form years.

My DD1 realised she wanted catered accommodation. Way before COVID, but it was one less thing to think about. Meals together made finding friends easier. She didn’t go with anyone from school in her accommodation and only one other girl went from her school so both needed friends.

I do think too many DC go to university and some are not ready. Look at the drop out rates before choosing! Some are high. Dc do have to want to make friends and be resilient. They won’t get all they want in terms of uni experience either. Some other students are awful. Some never come out of their rooms. You simply have to ignore the extremes. There are decent students everywhere but it’s a case of finding them. If a student is not mature enough, do a gap year. Do some work and decide if uni is best. For too many it’s the default option.

I also meant to say that I think too many students are too picky. Must have en suite bathroom. Don’t like certain foods. Object to other students very readily. Have never lived with others so have narrow view of what others are like to live with. Students must rub along with people instead of totally rejecting them snd going home. This is why you hear negative stories. The ones who stay and thrive maybe are less needy?

Social media was an absolute life saver during the covid years when students were often stuck in their accommodation and limited to "socialising" within their own flat (that's if they even had flatmates!). Without it, I think there'd have been enormous numbers of students stuggling, more suicides, more Uni drop-outs, etc.

You're assuming that all Unis continued to provide "catering" during the covid lockdowns. Many didn't, particularly the ones who only did Mon-Fri, so the Uni flats had kitchen/cooking facilities. In a lot of those cases, the "catering" stopped and students were basically told to look after themselves! Obviously different for the "full" catering flats that provided all meals and didn't have kitchens!

The ones who stay and thrive maybe are less needy?

Or were luckier with their flatmates and coursemates.

DD was pretty nervous about going to university. She had just been dumped by her BF of several years and was an anxious bunch of nerves. However, she had some congenial flatmates and made some lovely friends on her course.

Some of the stories I have read about bullying flatmates is enough to make anyone needy, even the most resilient. So I don't entirely agree with your comment @TizerorFizz. Although, I do think that a lot of students who go to university just aren't ready for independent living, and I stand by my earlier comment of there being more vulnerable students going to university these days.

@RampantIvy
Yes of course there can be awful flatmates. . Dreadful if all of them are horrendous human beings. That’s also really bad luck. Most universities help with exchanges.

@Kazzyhoward
I was not saying there was catered in lockdown but now there is. Many students think catered is going to serve food they don’t like at the wrong time. I’m just saying that you can make friends in addition to dodgy course mates and flatmates. It’s quite a bit less hassle but I know it’s not available everywhere. It’s part of the overall picture of being less choosy and picky.

My own DD asked for catered with shared loo. She got self catered, ensuite. She took the initiative to find a swap, but the uni refused.

I’ve since heard that students whose parents put their foot down and insisted got their way.

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