Weekly budget at uni

[1Wanda1]

How much does your child have to spend per week AFTER rent and bills?

DS and DD both have a weekly spending budget of around £65. Both in unis outside London. DD is sticking to this no problem. DS keeps overspending, has maxed out the overdraft, now doesn't have enough money to pay December rent, and the only way he'll be able to do so is if we bail him out (again).

He doesn't seem to think anything is wrong, as says he hasn't been living extravagantly and only goes out once a week and it's just "cost of living". I think that £65 a week is plenty to buy food and a few drinks.

He's looking for a job but that's not really the point. He thinks I'm really unreasonable and mean and I don't know how to get him to budget. Is £65 enough or am I deluded?

P.S. he's also refusing to make himself available for work over the Christmas holidays. He's applying for jobs for Christmas staff but telling them he's going to be away for 3 weeks over Christmas, and thinks he'll still get a job because they need people for the January sales.

You don’t sound like you like him much.

What a vile thing to say.

I love DS and like him very much, he's my son. I dislike his work ethic and don't wish to support it.

Interestingly in terms of take home pay and loan. The student with a household with a single parent earning £60k would get the same maintenance loan as a student with a two parent household where each parent earns £30k. Due to changes in tax etc the difference in take home pay between 2x30k and 1x£60 is nearly what you would need to top your student up by each year.

Anyway, it seems like posters don’t understand people have different circumstances and unfortunately no one has access to a magic money tree.

Just out of interest OP, what did your DS do on his gap year, could he have saved more than £4k? I’m wondering if he spent a lot of his earnings from his gap year job and is now used to a higher level of spending.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but I would be more concerned by his underlying attitude. He seems very immature and given the detail about his approach to university I’d be inclined to refuse to act as guarantor, provide the £65 pw and then step away.

We are very fortunate and supporting DD at university in a very expensive city has not been a problem. But she has been expected to work where possible (Covid obviously restricted things) and whilst she had summer holidays she was also working 55 hour weeks as a waitress for the majority of her time off. Her work experience is the thing that is getting her through the grad scheme interview hoops.

I think you're getting a hard time here OP, this is a difficult situation. It's obvious you want to support your DS but also blindingly obvious he cannot budget and control his spending and is disrespectful. On top of that he isn't doing anything or making any effort to prove to you that he can/will.

From what you've said I wouldn't be acting as guarantor but would be giving any amount you can afford/have agreed. I have found with my DC that I've had to become quite 'hard', I suppose some tough love. Letting them know I'm there for them, giving them my opinion but making it clear, with no discussion, what the financial options are. I also try to remove myself ie the fact you know that he is saying he is looking for work but isn't making himself available. No doubt it won't be 'his fault' that he couldn't get a job. In this scenario I now just don't react because I want them to realise that this doesn't affect me it affects them because now they don't have any money!

Don't take it personally OP, it's not you. You sound like a great parent. There are some really odd opinions on this thread.

@Phphion I think you're being unreasonably aggressive and insulting. Do you understand what a guarantor is? She's proposing to take control of the rent money so that (a) her son does not become homeless during his time or university or (b) if she agrees to be a guarantor, she is not faced with a liability for hundreds / thousands of pounds later down the line.

She clearly isn't wanting to control his every penny, and to roll out terms like financial abuse is really not on.

He is receiving more than someone on JSA OP that should be enough.

Hard though it is OP I think you need to step back. He is getting a lot more than he actually needs.

If he hasn't got one already then he is probably going to get a credit card.

Nice to see some opinions on the other side of the line!

@sashh him getting a credit card is my absolute nightmare. After spending my overdraft I got a credit card in my final year and then once I left uni and the interest rate on the overdraft kicked in, I was really screwed. I was in debt for literally years and I think that experience colours my frustration at his attitude/immaturity currently.

I get that uni is a time of growing up and making your own mistakes. Finding the balance between having that freedom and wanting to put some boundaries on what is and is not ok, I find hard.

He flatly refused this and said he was not willing to let me "control" his money and would rather "fuck himself by not having a guarantor" than agree to that
Since your relationship and communication with your DS over this has deteriorated to that point, is there another trusted person that you and your DS would agree to help manage his finances?

Presumably you don’t want him to quit university over this.

He's not going to leave uni over this, as clearly I will have to be his guarantor (no one else can do it). I am just very unhappy about the exposure and would like to agree some measures which would make me feel more comfortable.

It's all very well DS saying he should be allowed to be independent and manage his money entirely at his discretion, but being independent at this stage of life entails managing your budget. If you can't/won't do that and need frequent handouts as a result, you aren't independent.

The thing is you won't have to be his guarantor. He could find a place that doesn't require a guarantor or pay 6 months in advance they he doesn't need you. I would be putting that to him and seeing what he does. He can use his grant to pay the rent and will then have to work. Call his bluff, see what he does. At the moment he is banking on you caving and given his history I wouldn't trust him to pay the rent. I'll be honest, from what you've said about him I would not be guarantor, you will also be liable for any damage to the property.

Most likely it will be your son dropping out, you say the others are managing money better? So your risk is probably your own son anyway.
You could always tell him you will only guarantee a place with separate liability for each student. There will be some out there.

He isn't independent though is he? Other students are as they get full loan. He is dependent on your good will and personal views on budgeting.

From what you've said I would start thinking about how you will respond if he drops out. He may be in that position fairly soon.

He has a choice. You are his guarantor and control his money or you don't do either.

If he drops out then he will have to get a job.

I went to a few unis, one had a great system, it had a prepayment card which you didn't have to use but got you 10% off in the canteen and uni shop.

It could be topped up by a parent or the student but you could only spend it in the uni for food, stationary, library fines and books.

You could buy alcohol but only with a meal.

I was nearly 40 so I just used it for the discount but it was a way to channel some budgeting into the student experience.

@ArcticSkewer whether or not my son stays at uni is not my "risk", it's his. My view is that if he were to drop out as a result of having massively overspent, that would be a life lesson for him.

He won't drop out though, because he's liable for the full year's rent whether or not he remains living in the house. So that sort of inflammatory comment is just irrelevant.

Sounds like you’ve already decided to be his guarantor and I can’t see how you can make him agree to any budgeting measures other than give him an ultimatum.
Does he know that you can’t afford to give him more money OP? Does he know you are struggling yourself?

He won't drop out though, because he's liable for the full year's rent whether or not he remains living in the house.

Well no, you are, if you’re his guarantor and he decides he can’t or won’t pay his rent.

I have told him I can't afford to keep giving him extra money, yes.

I'm not his guarantor this year. His dad is. For some reason the next year landlord wouldn't accept his dad.

Since we are guarantors for our children and their university rent (and my husband is also a lawyer), we decided we would pay the rent direct to the landlord. That way we know our child’s portion is paid. Then they receive the minimum loan which they have to live on. If it’s insufficient, they have to work. So far it’s worked for us as we are not involved in their day to day spending habits beyond helping set up a suggested budget at the start of the year. We know they will always have a roof over their heads, even if all they can afford to eat is plain pasta.

We do however pay their mobile phone bills (so we know we can contact them) but we don’t pay for train tickets. They are all managing fine on the minimum loan and part time jobs in the holidays.

Watching with interest as DD will hopefully start university next year. We’ve had conversations about what she can expect from us financially (DH is a SAHD so one income) and DD has summer jobs on the cards.

DD is an only child and we are not badly off but her budget I anticipate will be around £500 per month after rent. Any more will be problematic. It also depends where she ends up and cost of her rent. I thought this was generous but seeing some comments it isn’t. DD is fine with it and has other income lined up in holidays.

At the moment DD aged 17 has tutoring earnings resulting in a good sum each month and that pays for socialisation and clothes above and beyond the basics. Once she goes to Uni her tutoring on the current model won’t work but she might pick up summer school tutoring or be able to do other work. She has adapted to less income in upper sixth so she can concentrate on her studies and whilst I pick up bills for presents to friends, mobile phone and transport she knows anything else is down to her and she lives within her means.