1st yr uni - wants to leave - pls help

[cosmosforall]

Hello. My DD is in week two of her first year at Uni. She wants to leave. She is disappointed in her course as the first year contains a subject she says she hates. She hasn't found a person or a friend. Her flat mates are nice but she feels like a spare part as they have formed a tighter group.

She has dyspraxia, can be emotionally immature, has struggled with friendships and social skills. She is kind and wonderful and funny as well!!!

She's in overwhelm. She wants me to make the descisiin for her to leave or stay but I think she needs to own it. I will support it.

Please any tips / stories of what happened when your kids stayed / left.

She needs to see the bigger picture. One module is not going to make or break the course, first year ones are often compulsory (did she do her research beforehand) with more choice later. That would be the same wherever. Two weeks is very early days. Her flatmates will gradually expand their social groups and be less close knit. Has she found any societies to join, could she swap accommodation?

In the nicest way possible... why did she pick something that contained modules she dislikes so much that she can't suffer them for one semester or year? Did you aid her decision?

2 weeks is super early. It’s the key home sick phase. I’d see if she will last til the end of the month to get a more realistic view of the experience.
so the subject she hates is in her course, surely it’s a small part of the overall course? She must already know some of it to be aware and hate it, once it’s done it’s done no? Otherwise is there a similar/other course she could transfer to? There were plenty of topics I hated in my course but they last for like 6 weeks.

friendship wise is tough. I lived in a flat with 6 girls, got pally enough with one but all my friends were from my societies I joined. Has she looked into them? There’s literally a society for everything. Any hobbies she’s wanted to try but never done before? Ballroom dancing, yoga, wine tasting, stand up, a faith society, her subjects society? I’d try and convince her to try something new or pick up an old hobby! I picked up tap dancing and I hadn’t done it since I was 7, such a laugh! And I then picked up surfing as I’d never done it and met some great people that way. I met my now husband in the OTC too.

uni isn’t for everyone, sure. But unless she’s really tried it would be such a shame. Reassure her everyone feels home sick, nervous, the odd duck, that there are elements of the course that suck. She’s not alone. If she’s going to find like minded people or her “tribe” (hate that phrase) it’s at uni!

bless her, hope things improve for her and she feels better soon. You sound like a wonderful mum. Can you send her some surprise care packages or an ASOS voucher to get some new clothes? Send some party food and wine for the house mates to share and bond over? X

Ask the big questions. What is your endpoint? What do you want to do as a job? Can you get there any other way? Do you need a

degree to get there? Do you want to change course?accommodation? Uni?.. and see where those answers take you.

Very early days yet. She'll make friends on her course over the next few weeks or can she join a society in something she's interested in? That way she'll have something in common with them. She just needs to find her tribe.
The Uni year is actually very short and she'll find it's not forever with the subject she hates.

There was a thread recently like this and the advice was very much to tell them to give it to Christmas. If they really don't like it and haven't settled by then they can leave. That way she knows she has a way out in a couple of months time if things don't improve. But chances are she'll have settled in by then and feel much happier.

I think she should talk to her tutors - they are used to young people who have just left home and are finding their feet in all sorts of ways. Keeping quiet will not help.

I realised that my course was not quite what I wanted very quickly and spoke to tutor and swapped to another course in the same department.

The important thing is that she must keep communicating. The tutors will have heard all this before and will know how to deal with it. The worst thing she can do is just to keep schtum.

It is week 2, she has to give it a chance. Imagine if she had said this about secondary school would you encourage her to quit? Has she joined any societies? It takes time to build friendships. Has she reached out to student support at all? This is completely normal to feel out of your comfort zone, worry about friendships etc.

She won't get a refund on her accommodation and needs to look into how much of the tuition she will be charged. If she is having to ask people these questions it should flag up help for her.

She needs to be reminded about why she chose to go to university, why she chose that course and that particular place. She definitely needs to give it more time.

I dropped out of uni after the first year when I was 19. I hated the course, felt out of place and was utterly miserable. But I gave it more than 2 weeks. There's nothing wrong with deciding it's not for you but you have to give it a reasonable run so you can make the right decision. I agree get her to try til Christmas and use the student support services to speak to a counsellor about how she's feeling.
If it's any consolation I went back to uni at 47 and achieved a first and got a fabulous job last year in my chosen field. Sometimes it just takes a more meandering path to get there.

I'm sorry she and you are having such a difficult times, these early days at Uni have been challenging for many of us and our DCs. I would encourage the dialogue with you but push back to more localised support/mentors/counselling that the Uni provide. They will have a lot of experience of dealing with students wishing to leave . You mention a feeling of being overwhelmed. Encourage a daily schedule which incorporates a self care aspect and a proactive plan . For example : do x activity, speak to three new people or connect with them on social media / do and see my tutor and discuss changing course. Other considerations : enough sleep, the right food, finding positive people to talk to . The truth it js hard for all of them .. they're all a bit nervous and not sure of themselves - my suggestion would be to say make it through to Christmas as we will talk about it ..

There is a great book available on IBooks called the Empty Nest for 3.99.. it's got a whole section on what to do when they call you unhappy .. I've found it very helpful. It's not easy to hear your child upset but encourage them to be brave. Join a society they're not sure about .. speak to the person standing alone.. they will be relieved and 8 out of 10 times they will make a new friend

Also as we move as parents from manager, to advisor and now consultant we are unable to make any decisions on their behalf . We can help them make their decisions takes away their ability to grow into the space that leaving home has created . I think for me this seems to be the biggest growth point of going - to think for yourself .. so when they lean on us we should let them but gently push back decisions to them

Can you book in a weekend to go and see her,maybe in a couple of weeks? That way she has something to look forward to plus will probably have settled a bit more by then.

Far far too early.

Compulsory first year modules are a pain but are often included to make sure everyone is progressing at the same level.

Extra curricular activities will have barely started. This is the pathway to a) get busy enough not to wallow in homesickness and b) meet a wider range of like minded students

As the parent you need to be strong and administer a bit of tough love - tell her you will discuss the situation at Christmas once she has properly experienced everything that is on offer.

She needs to give it until at least Christmas, but she also needs to be talking to pastoral support and her tutors. They can help. It's tough but she needs to join a couple of societies for activities she's interested in to meet other students.

I've been through this with both of mine. My youngest particularly always hated school - that was a battle and she left after her AS levels to go to college - that was a battle, then she went on to uni onto a course with an intake of 26 and applications of over 600 (so she's bright and capable). After her first semester she was home for Christmas and said she didn't think she was going back! We persuaded her to go and she finally got into the swing of it. Now she hates every job she has!

There is no way I would be able to convince DS to stick it out longer if he wasn't happy. He would have mentally checked out before telling me he wanted to leave. He lives at home but if he had decided it wasn't for him then he would become fixated on the next thing.

Does your DD have an alternative plan?

I wanted to leave uni two weeks in because I was just so completely overwhelmed. Stuck it out and a few weeks later I was having a ball and I loved my four years there. I think she needs to give it a bit more time at least.

I second this. There's probably a student link centre as well who are used to dealing with students who are struggling for all sorts of reasons.

It is too early to make any kind of decision, plus the module, a subject she hates unless it caused genuine distress its daft. I had to do an economics module at University that I hated, you just have to get on with it.

She needs to see her personal tutor.

DS2 chose his course for the city, the University campus and the course as it was offered there - and still found that he hated one of his first year modules and thought that he did quite well to stick to it enough to get 48% (achieving nominal Firsts in all his other ones). But it was only the one and it was compulsory, so there was nothing he could do about it and he still had everything else about the place that he enjoyed. Including getting on well with his flatmates, which I agree is a bit of an unknown.

So why did she choose this location, this university, this course? Trite as it may seem, my mum's advice to 'think beautiful thoughts' really does work, at least some of the time. Concentrating on what were / are the positives and pushing the negatives - especially if it's something that can't be changed, like a compulsory module - to the bottom of the pile, so to speak. Even the flatmates are just a random (unless they are actively horrid to her, which it sounds like they are not?); there are plenty more people out there at the university and in the wider community to be engaged with.

Thank you all so much. Some really helpful and wise words. I am going to digest properly tonight and am on my way for a visit tomorrow.

Good luck!

DS wanted to leave at the two week point. Was totally overwhelmed by how different it was, not having made any friends, generally being tired and out of sorts over his new life/ new town/ new course.
They get completely bombarded with emails, course info etc and can't see the wood for the trees. DS also hated a module and wanted to make a knee jerk reaction and change course.

We did a bit of research on the uni website and found out exactly when the critical points for decisions were. For his uni it turned out that you could

• ask to change course within the first 6 weeks (he did, but the other course was full so he didn't change)
• only pay for accommodation used within the first term
• only pay fees for the first term if you left before the end of the year.

Knowing these facts helped us buy some time without panicking.

We spoke to DS lots and agreed short term goals (as a PP suggested). I went through the list of uni clubs with him and got him to commit to going to some events to meet people. He did, and started to make friends.

I discovered part of the reason he hated the module was because he couldn't find all the reading (he has dyslexia) so I helped him with that via a zoom call where he shared his screen.
He came home at Week 6 (reading week) and still had some concerns, but agreed to stay until the end of the year and that we would talk about it in the Christmas hols. At the end of the November he emailed us asking us to be guarantors for his student house for Year 2 with 5 other students!

He's now in second year and is having a brilliant time.
Don't let your DD rush into anything - support her to get through the first few weeks before making any big decisions.

FWIW our experience was that the tutor support/ wellbeing service was rubbish and didn't help at all - too slow to reply and couldn't really do anything!

Only your know if this is serious or she's just floundering at the first hurdle. It's not too late to ring other universities and do a transfer. What is she suggesting as an alternative - to come home and do what. Has she spoken to the University, and also her accommodation to find out what their cancellation policy is, before she goes any further.

I was miserable at two weeks in. I stuck it out for the long haul but I’m almost certain it was the wrong decision. I was in the wrong town on the wrong course. I should have come home and tried somewhere else the following year. To do that I’d have needed careers advice and support at home.

If she wants you to make the decision, ask her how she’d feel if you told her to stay, versus how she’d feel if you told her to come home. Then suggest a third way. Go to the uni and get all the help possible and try it for two more weeks. Then reevaluate.

check the date when you can drop out and still keep the full funding. It used to be sometime around Christmas but she needs to know accurately.