Not settling in uni

[Sadless]

My dd has been there nearly 2 weeks now and doesn't want to stay. She only starts lessons this week and has been back home a few days between. She's a non drinker and feels she doesn't fit in. I was hoping she would make some friends when she starts classes but I received a text at 2am this morning saying I am not stopping here. She wants to try cummute instead but I am worried it will be hard work. But I can't make her stay if she doesn't want. Any advice

Sal

How far from home is she, is commuting realistic? Is she still going out but drinking soft drinks? That's the key I think to feeling like you're still part of things when you don't drink. Sitting alone in a corridor/flat when everyone else is going out must be really miserable.

I'm really sorry to hear that's she's having a wobbly start. My DD just started uni and is not a clubber or a drinker either .. she's really enjoying it but I can fully empathise that these first few weeks are hard and we worry more when we know they are not happy . Dd has found the other non clubbers and they've organised some events and trips.. honestly I think that post freshers it might be different for them all . I know friends' children who went home in freshers just because they knew it would be too full on and have returned when lectures start and missed all the frenetic social activity. My suggestion would be for her to see how it is once the work and the term start in earnest .. and try and find others that are like her and suggest some activities .. it is daunting for them to do but there's lots of them feeling the same and much relief when they find each other.

If she's already been back home for a few days she's not really giving it a chance, and as you said her classes haven't even started yet. Does she have any interests or hobbies? There are plenty of groups at uni that don't involve drinking.

Sorry to hear this. I have heard from a young relative who does join in the partying and is very sociable that it is simply manic, self generated pressure to join in etc and they are already unwell and hoping it will calm down when classes start. I'd say to your dd that the first week or so is not typical of a normal uni week and that things will settle and it's worth giving it a bit longer and trying to find a few like minded friends through halls / course / activities. It's so overwhelming for them at first it's not surprising it's difficult. Really hope things improve.

We are about a 40 minute train ride away so not too far. The flat mates are going out every night and she said there have a group chat. For s

Sorry phone keeps doing that. It might sound strange but she says her flat mates look down at her they are all southerns and she's northern in a northern uni. It might be just her thinking that.

Sal

She doesn't have to go out with her flatmates - she'll make friends through her course and through clubs and activities. Join hiking club or orchestra or whatever she's into. It's really common to feel like this in the first week or two.

Oh, I really feel for you, have been through similar at different times with my kids.
Various things she could try, in no order of preference:

• Persevere with the current situation, possibly for a predetermined length of time, while doing what she can to meet other people outside her flat - making herself go along to societies or whatever
• ask about changing flats, there might be a quieter one with a space. Half the people in my dd3’s flat don’t drink, your dd is definitely not the only one
• come home and try commuting
• a mixture of the above e.g. stay at her flat when she has lectures and classes but come home when she can

I think having a bit of a plan, even if it’s as short term as “go to film society meeting tonight, come home for the weekend tomorrow, go back for lecture on Monday morning” is really helpful for her to feel like she has some control again. Being thrown into a new place to live, new people, whole new way of life can be extremely unsettling and makes them feel like they have no control over what is going on.

Sadly the one thing that isn’t going to help is sitting in her room avoiding people and doing nothing, and that’s probably the only thing that makes her feel safe at the moment.

Hugs to you as well, it’s incredibly hard to see your child struggling, especially when it’s at a distance and there’s nothing you can do. Feel free to pm me if you want.

I have spoke to her about staying till a certain date for her to try it when it's not freshers. But she does seem to be locked in her room alot at the moment with no classes. Think she's comi

Coming back again today till Sunday. Hoping it goes OK it will be awkward travelling everyday. Thanks

Sal

There was an exact post like this yesterday, maybe find that for some advice?

I think she should stick it out until clubs/societies have started and she's had a chance to find a group she clicks with.

I would say this probably wasn’t the case, but we all know 18 year olds don’t always express themselves in the best way all the time so things could have been said or taken badly.

But also when you’re feeling rubbish, you look for external reasons.

She needs to meet a few more people outside her flat - there will be plenty more Northerners in Manchester, and even friendly southerners!

Settling in is partly passive, in that it can just take a while to feel at home, but also partly active, so she does need to make a bit of an effort. Hope she can manage it.

Please ask your daughter to go and speak with her personal tutor. I am a personal tutor and I would want to know about issues like this. We can make sure that we look out for unsettled students and can recommend things that they can do to help settle and develop friendships. It may be that we can intervene and help with moving accommodation.
We usually suggest that new students don’t visit home for a couple of weeks because this is the time when friendships form and experience shows that students who miss out on the first few weeks are quite often the ones who struggle more throughout the year ( this may just be correlation rather than causation). Hopefully as your dd starts having more lectures and other educational activities then she’ll start making new friends and feel that she fits in.

She may not be compatible with her flatmates, which is a pain now, but could be changed.
The first few weeks are not a good representation of the whole of your time at University.
I'd suggest she sticks it out until Christmas, come home often but maybe try to stay for some weekends - once she starts her course she may meet people she connects with better.
Seek out some clubs which reflect her interests.
I wouldn't rule out commuting post Christmas if it doesn't improve with the housemates.

A pp mentioned Manchester. Is it Manchester? If so could you do a thread asking for anyone who is a first year in Manchester who might want to meet up with your DD? There will be others there feeling the same way.

Not sure if all do it but University of Sheffield prior to moving into the accommodation, students write a few lines about themselves. Eg are you tidy, enjoy clubbing/going out, quiet/extrovert etc. They could also choose mixed or single sex as well as how many they'd be on a corridor with 4, 6, 10. Then they tried placing them with like minded people.
Perhaps she can swap to a quieter block. After freshers it does calm down a bit but not greatly if they're clubbers.
It must be very overwhelming for your DD, they'll be sleeping through the day, awake most of the night playing drinking games, having preloads with other neighbouring students with everything centred around 'having fun'. But if I were her I'd ask to swap rooms before leaving. Perhaps to a smaller group sharing. The accommodation officer will know the quieter areas as many students will have requested this, they're not all party animals so she's definitely not alone. A lot of students are homesick in the beginning but when she finds likeminded friends to share with it will be a game changer.
If she really can't stand it then she may find that all the lectures are recorded & are online, so she needn't physically attend every lecture. She could commute only when necessary & to maintain contact with fellow students.
After the first year they tend to move out of the Uni accommodation into student houses/flats & share with friends so it's so much better.

There are plenty of students who aren't going out drinking every night. I would encourage her to join in with some other activities. My dd went to a board games club last night for example.

She's also doing mini UN and something called the twenty minute club where everyone meets up and then they give you a location and you have twenty minutes to get there. A good way of getting to know a new city apparently!

My DC started Uni last year and hated all the drinking etc loads of strangers all having pre’s in tiny flats etc. He toughed it out and is now really happy he did, the first few weeks are hellish, then they all get freshers flu and it calms down. By Christmas my son had settled in and got some great mates by joining some of the music based societies. Some courses aren’t that social, so I’d encourage her to find friends through societies as well as others doing the same subjects.

This is a good idea. Failing that I’d try and persuade her to stay to see if she makes friends in her classes, chances are she will.
My DD’s now best friend didn’t get on with her flatmates at all but she made friends with my daughter in their lectures etc and from then on spent most of her time in my DD’s halls. They now house-share in their final year.

I’d also say a few of those flatmates going out drinking are doing it just to make friends and they many not continue drinking etc after a few weeks, so she may get to know the ‘real’ them better in time.

If it were my DD I would tell her of course she can commute but only if she gives it a fair chance, say till Christmas?

Good luck.

Freshers week is shit if you’re not into that and even if you are it’s completely devoid of structure or routine and not a great start.

I’d say it will get better as lessons start and societies begin to meet.

I’d encourage her to try as many societies as possible that fit her interests, even loosely, so she has good interactions. E.g. knitting soc, even if she doesn’t knit if they have a knit and natter coffee group etc.

And also look outside of uni, if for example it is Manchester check the local libraries and museums for events (plus the other uni). And idk why someone above said Manchester but if it is, please tell her to have a bit of something from the eighth day food counter. Yum. (I assume it still exists but also have just realised it’s been 14 yrs since we were there 🤯).

Its going to take her a while to find her tribe and settle in, and if she keeps coming home it'll take her longer! Things calm down after freshers week and classes start up properly. She should speak to her personal tutor and sign up for societies she's interested in. Does she have any hobbies or interests? Societies arrange introductory sessions to get to meet up with people outside her halls or course. Everyone's in the same boat.
DD struggled at first but by the second year she was a student volunteer on the mental health team helping to arrange evening get togethers (quiz nights, coffee meetups, boardgames night etc) to help the next cohort of freshers settle in as she understood only to well the feeling of homesickness.

I remember these feelings when I started uni. The first flat I was placed in I didn't really jell with any of the people in there. I remember feeling exactly like your daughter did, and that the roommate that I had didn't like me and look down at me because they were all a lot smarter than me and seem to click with each other. When it came to arranging accommodation for the next year, everyone in the flat arrange accommodation with each other but didn't include me or ask me or anything. Although obviously I wouldn't of wanted to shared with them the following year, that was just very much the vibe that it was them and me on my own. It was awful.
In hindsight now I really wish that I had gone and spoken to someone at the Uni and let them know how I felt. Maybe I could've switched accommodation with somebody else or maybe someone from a different year in uni or someone from the union might of been able to come and help me feel more settled. I definitely feel like this had a big impact on my confidence and I wish that I had just spoken up about it.
In my second year I lived with some friends that I had made on my course and my second and third year were a lot happier years than my first.
Does your daughter have any friends from home that can go and stay with her over the next few weekends. Does she have any siblings or cousins that you might be able to speak to who can go and see year?
I think as well it's worth bearing in mind the massive adjustment that she's just made in starting uni. Her life is completely changed and if she's anything like I was when I started uni it took me a long time to adjust to that change. I came home a lot during uni as well, although my commute wasn't that big only an hour on the train. Looking back now I really wish that I'd of just thrown myself into the experience and enjoyed it more. Hindsight is a funny thing isn't it?
But please ask your daughter to speak to somebody because she won't be the only person feeling like this. She might need to make an adjustment to the core she is taking, the accommodation she is living in, she might just need some extra support. All of those things are fine and all of those things are possible but she does need to speak. I don't know how your daughter might feel if you reached out to the Uni?

Freshers is a hateful concept and I wish it hadn’t developed. She hadn’t actually started at uni yet. Come home this weekend if she wants to but after that she needs to commit to being there full time for a few weeks. View next week, with teaching starting as the real start. And she has to join things and sign up for things - going out drinking isn’t all that happens. By all means see if she can switch to a quieter flat but flatmates aren’t the be all and end all. She will meet more likeminded people if she gets out there, where they are.

I'm guessing you have paid for the accommodation for the term. I'd ask your daughter to request a move to a nondrinking hall (there should be one) and try to combine commuting and staying occasionally until Christmas? It can take a while to find your tribe. My uni has many 'make connection' events for students to meet up. Maybe she can look at something like this?