Not settling in uni

[Sadless]

My dd has been there nearly 2 weeks now and doesn't want to stay. She only starts lessons this week and has been back home a few days between. She's a non drinker and feels she doesn't fit in. I was hoping she would make some friends when she starts classes but I received a text at 2am this morning saying I am not stopping here. She wants to try cummute instead but I am worried it will be hard work. But I can't make her stay if she doesn't want. Any advice

Sal

I had two very social DC and even they found freshers very hard.My other DC and DNS joined societies eg hockey, rambling,politics, history, debating and this started them off socially.Plan which weekends to come home and short term stick it out until half term if possible.DC3 is at a London university and quite a lot of their cohort commute, I don't think it is a huge problem but it really is very early to make big decisions before university has even started.They will meet other students with similar intellectual interests by the very nature of things once lectures start. Freshers week is hateful imo .

Check when she's liable for course and accommodation fees. Some unis let you not pay under X weeks. After 2 weeks she may be stuck paying for the first term for both.

Also see if she can move flats. Some unis let you swap

My teens commute 30/40mins to uni on the bus, some of their friends have a longer commute.

2 weeks is no time, your teen hasn’t found their feet yet, my advice would be to encourage them to join some clubs/ societies . Once she is in her actual course doing work I’m sure she will meet like minded people.

Thinks she coming home this afternoon I will speak to her then. I have told her I don't want her giving up her accommodation till she's sorted out properly. She's saying its 4 days a week at first then goes down to 3 after Christmas but she might be expected to do things in between which she doesn't know yet. Shes been queuing at a freshers fair this morning and has a lesson later. She really does need to try it in a proper week with proper lessons. Thanks for the advice

Sal

@Sadless There's a long-running and really supportive thread of people with DC the same age as yours, I joined it a couple of months back. We're all sharing stories and tips about uni etc, there's a whole range of experiences. Search for "Thread 41"

Many of our DC (including my own DD) found "Freshers Week" pretty weird. Now classes and clubs have started, things have settled down a lot.

It’s so so hard as I think we are force fed this idea that university will be the time of your life, and actually, for many people, the reality is quite different. I hated my first term at university as I had wonderful friends at home…how could they possibly compare to all these new people embarking on forced fun & needlessly drinking themselves into oblivion? I also just missed home.

I begged my mum to let me come home, but she convinced me to stay and I’m so glad she did, as it absolutely did improve. I still loved my friends back home more than anything, but I made good friendships there too.

Try and talk to her about expectations and giving things time. It’s not forever and she can come home regularly.

Fresher's week is brutal even for the people who really enjoy clubbing! She will meet others and form friendships outside of her accommodation. It's a difficult line to tread as a parent in wanting them to carry on but acknowledging it is tough if they are really struggling.

I think that many students have an unrealistic impression of what they think life is going to be like at university.
The reality is that it can be very underwhelming and one has to really make the effort and throw oneself into the experience.
I have two dds at university. The elder dd is sensible, polite , has close friends etc.
She loved her first term because she wasn’t expecting everything to be fantastic and as a result she was able to cope with the first term.
My other dd is very outgoing, many ‘friends’, likes clubbing etc. She found the first few weeks extremely difficult as she felt as though she should be enjoying every single minute at university and this wasn’t happening despite the fact that she was clubbing etc.
Most students find the first term very difficult, even the ones who appear to be confident
Many feel a bit down and disappointed with the whole freshers experience. This is normal.
The most important thing is that they talk to someone if they feel unhappy.

We usually suggest that new students don’t visit home for a couple of weeks because this is the time when friendships form and experience shows that students who miss out on the first few weeks are quite often the ones who struggle more throughout the year

This advice is excellent, and what we say also. We found that if even the most homesick students could stay until Reading Week (usually Week 6 or 7 of the term) and then go home, they realised how much they were enjoying their independence, and how tricky it could be to be the "child" again!

I'm a Northerner teaching in a northern university. About a decade ago, we put a lot of pressure on the Student Union not to have an alcohol-focused Freshers' week, because our Muslim & Hindu students were excluded. So she won't be the only one not drinking.

She really needs to be a bit more pro-active: join societies, go out of her way to talk to people. Maybe you could help by rehearsing with her some open conversation starters (and NOT "Where did you go to school?" or "What were your A Level results?"

But do a bit of tough love & encourage her to stay at university on the weekend - maybe you could go to visit her, and you could do some exploring of the city where she is. Do a free Red Coats tour, for example?

I'd also say that at my university, it's the soft southerners who are looked down upon - in a gently teasing way! We have to teach them our ways of dealing with drizzle & short days.

But I suspect this is in your DD's head, and not overt cruelty from her flatmates.

Homesickness is real, but it passes. It's nothing more than slight fear of change. Encourage her to enjoy her independence!

Hi, OP -

Another academic and personal tutor here. I am so sorry for what your DD is going through but having said that I agree with the excellent advice from @TroubleInSnowland and @BirdinaHedge .

Many students are now teetotal. It is true that Fresher’s Week at certain northern universities, such as Manchester and Leeds, has a reputation for being rather frenetic and alcohol-fuelled. I honestly don’t think that is the majority, but these are the students who get the attention. It’s also true that Manchester in particular has a reputation for having a relatively high proportion of southerners and students from the independent educational sector. I suspect your DD’s flatmates, even if from upscale backgrounds, really are not looking down on her. But right now that is secondary to her belief that they are.

She needs to nip this in the bud to make a strong start at uni. Can you encourage her to give her present situation her best effort until Reading Week, with a promise to seriously re-evaluate the situation then? In the meantime, can you help her make a plan for getting out and making friends on her own terms?

I'm not sure why the advice you have received is so skewed towards her staying in Uni accommodation. As long as she sticks with her degree that's surely what matters most?

My dd was going to live in Uni accommodation but having tried living in a pokey little room with a splendid view of another tower block for 2 weeks, she has decided to commute from her comfortable home in the countryside instead. It's a 40 minute drive to Uni and she has found parking for £2 for 2 hours or £5 for up to 2- 24 hours. She has 3 days when lectures or seminars are held and can't see the point of living in her University city for a few hours of contact time per week.

She's fairly adept at making friends and reckons if there is a big night out she will just sleep on someone's floor - so she doesn't especially have fomo

She's not given it a chance as she's been there less than a fortnight and already been home for a few days.

Give her some tlc bit make it clear you expect her to go back. She can apply to swap accommodation if she really thinks her flatmates are not her type but realistically it settles down over time as social circles expand through the course and societies,

I'm not sure why the advice you have received is so skewed towards her staying in Uni accommodation. As long as she sticks with her degree that's surely what matters most?

It's about learning to cope on your own away from the easy option of family. Learning to live with others, and compromise, and co-operate. Independence. A bit of "suffering" isn't a bad thing - it's a very controlled environment, so the "suffering" is never going t have disastrous consequences - there's always support around. Learning to stand on your own 2 feet independently, but with the knowledge there's a secure safety net, is a really good way to build confidence & competence in life skills.

There's also the possibility of discovering different ways to live and the excitement of discovering a new city and new cultures. All of these things can be important for the degree study.