How do I stop feeling so sad? Please tell me this is normal!

[smelters]

DS off to Uni on the 18th. So so proud of him, he worked so hard for his A levels and got his first choice. I know this is the right thing for him and I am positive and cheerful about it when we chat.

But inside I am just feeling so sad at the thought of him going. He's such a big presence in our house, loud, funny, kind, huggy, goofy, annoying 😆, it's going to be so strange. We have a younger DS too who is going to be a bit lost without him.

Just the thought of dropping him off is making me want to cry and I know I can't do that until we're on the way home! Needless to say he's our eldest so this is all very new.

Tell me to pull myself together wise MNetters. Why is this so hard!

Power hits, if you read my post carefully, I never mentioned them. I even said I might cry in my Original post.

@Stockpot sit on your hands! 😊

Not every day.

You can do it ☺️

I have to say that my own reaction after dropping DD off took me totally by surprise. I had always been very scathing about people crying on seeing DCs off to uni. At the actual drop-off I was fine - unload stuff, big smile, even bigger hug, a heartfelt "have fun" and we were away within 30 minutes. DD had a place at her first choice, highly sought-after uni, was fully equipped with all life skills - it was time for her to go and we were glad. But then at home the tears started and even tho I kept hitting myself round the head with a metaphorical wet kipper, they just kept coming. Then they dried up suddenly and I was fine ever after. I still don't warm to people who make a huge drama about it in advance and make it all about them. But I don't think this is what OP is doing. Ever since being surprised by my emotions like this, and then getting a grip, I've been careful to accord other mums a bit more grace.

I appreciate this may not be helpful but think about how sad you'd feel if your son hadn't done well and wasn't going off to University (been there ,done that ) ?

I was fine with DS and that was in the middle if a pandemic! I think after having 6 months with 4 of us shut in the house together we were all ready for it. It was hard not being able to move him in as I had imagined due to the covid restrictions, and at one point it seemed that he wouldn't be allowed home for Christmas which was horrible. Yes, I cried in the car on the way home, but was ok after that.

DD goes in 2 weeks. She is a totally different child. Less confident, not good at making friends, quirky and only just 18. Two years of covid restrictions has also robbed her of many of the chances that DS had in 6th form, and she really doesn't seem as ready. She's very nervous about going, although I think, still wants too. I'm dreading it. I am steeling myself for constant texts and calls. She will be a 3.5 -4 hour drive away. I can't just pop over for the afternoon. But I'm holding it together for her. Telling her she will be fine. Everyone else is feeling the same. Good luck to us all!

@Oblomov22 's suggestion that it could be helpful to address what the OP is worried about made me think of one practical tip that might help. That is, how to handle the "dump and run" phenomenon. No, not the dropping off DC at the start of Freshers' week, but the inevitable phone call that will come a few weeks in. It's 9pm and your DC phones with a list of grumbles/woes/worries. You receive a download of these for half and hour and then they end the call saying, "sorry, have to go now". You then spend a sleepless night worrying about their grumbles/woes/worries. You refrain from messaging them the next day, but crack a few days later. You: "how are things now?". DC: "what do you mean 'now'?" You: "when you phoned the other night..." DC: "Oh that all got sorted the next day. BTW, sorry I had to ring off - I had to leave for this great party and there I met... and so we're going to.... and it's just the best thing".

Basically they will phone and dump a few grumbles and then toddle off happy as anything having offloaded, so try very hard to stop parenting them by offering constant suggestions, and let them work things out themselves.

It's hard when your first one goes but I was even more dreading it when my second ,'my baby' went. My Dd had a gap year and travelled for several months. I was kind of used to her being away and she was far more independent. When it was ds turn it was very different. He had no idea what he wanted to do so I basically encouraged him to go to uni to have another 3 years to decide. He didn't like change, always worried about anything new, had barely been on public transport unlike his sister who had travelled the world independently. I really thought the day would come and he would back out and not want to go. He had not looked forward to it, just gone through the motions of getting everything ready. Well it couldn't have gone any better. He had been put in a flat in halls with 4 girls and one other lad. He hit it off with the girls immediately and when I spoke to him the next day he had already explored the bar on the first night with them and never looked back. After the first week he was well settled and really enjoying it. He ended up sharing a house with them the next 2 years and has remained friends with them. Once the first few weeks are over and you know they are happy it is surprising how quickly the holidays come around and some unis even get half term reading weeks

Just waved off my eldest who's autistic. He never managed to complete secondary school as he had issues with his mental health and ended up dropping out. He went to college though and got himself the grades needed eventually.
I cried, his brothers cried. It feels so odd.
He's very able and a quick learner thankfully, and he purposely chose a university near home so he could commute if living there doesn't suit him.

My DTs are both going the same weekend, the logistics are a complete nightmare.

Im excited for them and also a little bit for me. I’m very much the default parent, and even though they don’t need ‘minding’ as such, my life does revolve around them, probably too much. I know my anxiety is going to be off the charts so I’ve got a huge list of things to keep me busy.

And Im also feeling a bit wistful/sad. End of an era kind of sad. I don’t see anything at all wrong with that.

ive also got to pay nearly £2k of hall deposit/fees this week, so that might bring a tear or two to my eyes 😂

@SoilTiller thanks that is a helpful warning. Have no doubt I will get that call at some point.

@Oblomov22 there’s a difference between being given supportive advice or suggestions and a ‘don’t be ridiculous’ type of post.

I think we are all happy, proud and excited for our DC. It’s not unusual to feel sad…it’s a profound bond that is breaking some.

We live in a culture that values independence, and we fight certain instincts to allow them to thrive.

No harm in getting a little support and understanding here.

@SoilTiller In glad you flagged what’s coming. I might be able to pause now rather than diving off the deep end with her!

Just a perspective from further on we waved three young adults off then spent the next ten years with people coming and going trying to get work etc etc until 6 years ago everyone finally left for good and tomorrow we leave the family house and town to start a new bit of our life but there were still a few tears ( not from me I’m too busy packing!) I cried once on a random delivery for child three all round the m42 not a good choice for a mini melt down

Went through this a year ago and it was so hard. She is my only child so I was so sad. It does get easier, just be proud of how independent he'll be. And look forward to the times he comes home to visit.

There are always a few posters who like to create their own narrative.
I haven't read a single thread about people wanting to sob 10 times a day on their child's shoulders followed by a hysterical weeping and wailing session. That's not why I started this thread and if you can be bothered to read the posts, that's not what we are discussing.
I have found it extremely helpful to read through everyone's experiences and those who have been through it before have really made a difference to how I feel, so thank you everyone who has shared.

@Oblomov22 maybe start your own thread if you feel the meed to vent about Louise Redknap, I don't think she's posted on this one😉

Regarding contact, I am going to try really hard to take a step back and let DS message or ring, he's pretty good about communicating and I think it's definitely time to let go a bit so he can develop his independence. I was reading on the Facebook group WIWIKAU some parents saying they need 'proof of life' every day from their DS/DD be it in the form of a text, phone call, WhatsApp etc. I personally think that's too much, I mean when I was at Uni we had to queue up for the phone and would maybe phone home once a week! I'm the biggest worrier and it will be hard but DS knows we will always be at the end of the phone if he needs anything. Having said that I might crack if I haven't heard anything for a few days, I'll send him a photo of the cats or something just to check in😆

I think the ease of communication these days makes it harder.
I've improved, but when my DD was first old enough to start going out with friends I'd be getting stressed if I sent a message and she didn't reply within a few mins. At the same age I was getting the train to go shopping in one of the biggest cities in England with no means of contacting home except public phone boxes. I'm sure my parents did worry, but they weren't expecting constant contact so wouldn't have had that sort of state of high alert that we tend to experience now.
As a student I got a lettet from hime once a week and phoned no more than that. And i went inter railing for 6 weeks one year and only called twice in that time. I think I'd like a bit more contact from DS than that but am going to try to avoid cyber stalking!

25 years ago I cried after dropping DD off and again two years later when DS went to university, nothing wrong with that. I also found myself still laying a place for DS at the table for some time after he’d gone, and still food shopping for him!
I didn’t expect regular phone calls or texts, I just hoped that they made the most of all the opportunities that opened up for them.
All these years later I can still remember those first weeks when they went; thankfully they’re two very well-rounded individuals, living full lives and doing very well, just as I’m sure all yours will.
Good Luck!

Just to say its very exciting when they come back from college full of stories of new friends and exciting experiences in clubs/ parties etc. They really appreciate home cooking and don't take it for granted or complain as pure sick of cooking for themselves. And they love a well stocked fridge after scrimping all term. Its actually lovely to see them so happy to be home. So lots to look forward to after the tears.

Thank you for all the lovely messages from mums who have been through this. xx

That's so lovely, thank you for posting that 💗

Oh god I'm blubbing reading this.
DD1 has just graduated and I have another who will be heading off next year.

She's just caught me crying and reassured me that it wouldn't be so sad when she goes because she's taking me with her 😂

With DD1 I found I did most of my crying before she even left. The actual day turned out to be far less emotional than I expected.

I think the ease of communication these days makes it harder

100% agree with this. I’m used to getting a text back within an hour, probably less.
I went to a big city Uni. I’d only been there once before on a school trip. I had an AtoZ and a map of the bus routes. My landlady used to allow them to call me once a week and I only phoned them from a phone box when I wanted more money.

I do suffer with anxiety and they know I can be a bit of a nutcase sometimes, so hopefully they will indulge me with a daily text. Neither of mine do social media so I can’t even keep track stalk that way.

That's such a good idea. DS2 is autistic and also chose a nearby uni. It;s meant he has managed to stay living independently as he comes home often to decompress or talk through any situations he can't quite handle on his own. it has been so lovely to watch him grow in confidence and independence.

Get your tissues out.. Soppy poem from Donna Ashworth
YOU ALWAYS HAVE A HOME

To My Children...

Whatever choices you make in this life, wherever you go, whomever who you choose to share it with...

I want you to keep coming home.

I want you to know, that in this fast-paced, crazy world in which we live - you always have a safe place to rest your weary head - and your heart.

This door, it will never close, not to you.

I will try, with all my might, to refrain from judging you: I get it, this is your life now, your path and you need to walk it your way.

But I am here.

And I walked many paths too, so if you need any advice, ask me. I will always try to see it your way.

I don’t need you to prove yourself to me, or impress me; you had me at hello - literally.

I just want you to remember, always, that a part of me is in you, and that your home will always be here too - even when you have your own.

And anyone in your home, has a home in my home too.

The wonderful, wonderful thing about family is - we need never face anything alone.

Fly high, dream big, live loudly, love fiercely. Show the world what you are made of, my love. Show them the way, you have so much light to shine out there.

And when your light won’t shine the way it should...

I will be here.

Always.

Donna Ashworth

That's a lovely poem. There's no way I could ever show it to DS as he has an extremely cynical side to him and would just laugh!! But, I did give him a hug on the sofa last night (he still likes a hug when no one else is around!) and said as much to him. That we want him to have an amazing adventure and that we are so proud of him, but that we would always be here if he ever needed anything or if things go wrong, and that we love him so much. It was a nice moment.