How do I stop feeling so sad? Please tell me this is normal!

[smelters]

DS off to Uni on the 18th. So so proud of him, he worked so hard for his A levels and got his first choice. I know this is the right thing for him and I am positive and cheerful about it when we chat.

But inside I am just feeling so sad at the thought of him going. He's such a big presence in our house, loud, funny, kind, huggy, goofy, annoying 😆, it's going to be so strange. We have a younger DS too who is going to be a bit lost without him.

Just the thought of dropping him off is making me want to cry and I know I can't do that until we're on the way home! Needless to say he's our eldest so this is all very new.

Tell me to pull myself together wise MNetters. Why is this so hard!

I felt this 2 years ago when ds went. We also have a younger ds who did miss him but we settled quite quickly into a family of 3 and not 4. Although for quite a while I got 4 plates out for supper!! The time goes quickly and they are home for Christmas before you know it.

Thank you so much @smelters .. for starting this .. hope it makes you realise you're not alone in feeling this way, it's certainly helped me and I'm grateful to all those posting who have come out the other side to say it gets easier

It certainly gets easier - I've had 4 years of it & now eldest is living away. You will miss them but just as you're getting used to the 'empty space'/reduced food bill etc they will reappear with their new found University lifestyle (nocturnal cooking for example) and if you're lucky in the summer the pile of 'stuff' will come home too!

First of all, congrats on your DS's uni success. When my DD went to university (the second of my two) I cried for several days non-stop. There was nothing I could do - the tears just kept coming. I sat on the sofa with a box of tissues and wept. Told work my eyes and nose were streaming too much to come in - not a word of a lie! Then suddenly the tears dried up and I was fine, tho the empty room was always guaranteed to set off a pang. I think I kept it together for elder DC because there was still one at home. It all settles down and the emotions turn into being so glad that they're having this fantastic experience. But like @mumonthehill the kitchen front took longer - even now that both have graduated I have a hard time not cooking for 4.

Aw I remember saying to a work colleague that I was missing my eldest and found it hard not really knowing how she was or where she was. Obviously I did have a rough idea but you know what I mean.

My colleague scoffed at me a bit insisting she’d be fine. A couple of weeks later her DD had left for uni. I asked my colleague how she was finding it and she waved at me saying she had a lump in her throat all the time which had surprised her.

good luck. It will pass. It’s a new chapter

Wow just come back from the big Ikea shop to all these lovely messages. Lots of other parents and young adults doing the exact same thing! Actually we only managed to get half of it, needed to stop at Asda to get more bits, then just a cleaning/food/toiletries shop which I will do online. It was nice choosing bedding, towels, plates, bowls etc together then I can picture him using them.

@doubleshotcappuccino yes this thread has actually really helped and I'm glad it's helped others too, it really does make a difference to know my feelings are normal and Ill get through it.

@SoilTiller I think I might be like this, I am dreadful once I start crying, I just can't stop! And my voice goes all weird and croaky too.
I will adapt because I will have no choice.

I would be happy to continue this thread for support if anyone would find it helpful. Good luck to you all with the preparations.

The exact same thing in Ikea I mean, lots of us going round picking out what was needed

Hi. I don't have children going off to uni but I remember being distraught when my brother left home to move 2h away to be with his girlfriend. It was awful.
I think what you are experiencing is completely normal. Br kind to yourself.
If you can suppress the tears in front of him it is probably for the best.

Keep busy and practise some self care.

I did a lot of snotty crying at first too!

Also, don't let anyone try and dictate to you how often you see them and when you go.

My daughter wanted a visit two weeks in, me and my son drove over and spent a Sunday afternoon with her. An acquaintance scoffed at this and mocked both my parenting and my daughter's resilience and I second guessed myself but in hindsight it was the right thing for her at the time - she spent several happy years at university and got a job so often barely came home during holidays but that was what she needed that weekend.

Btw snotty crying was not in my children's presence - saved it for when I got home!

I’s been feeling bereft in the run up to DS going and have been sobbing openly a lot. Drop off wasn’t as bad as I expected though and was really happy that he was having a good start to freshers week and Uni life. Hugs though as the anticipation of them leaving is super hard. Im
sure I’ll have my moments for a while.

Inspired by this thread I've decided to put some of the advice into practice and say yes to some invites for after she goes and force myself to go .. trying to also seek out the solace of those with older DCs, I agree, helps so much.

@Eightytwenty having been on chats since our DCs started the application it's lovely to see your name here again as we wave them off ! Glad it wasn't as bad as you thought ..

@PowerHits I would rather do snotty crying than look like Alice Cooper which is my usual post-sob face thanks to too much eyeliner..

I knew this thread would be about this. I don't feel that way. It see it as my maternal duty as a mum to get my son to this place, so that he goes off merrily and happily. I sure will miss him, but I dislike all the crying. I'm not saying I won't cry at all. But all this crying many times per day, for weeks - which honestly some posters have been posting, just makes me irritated. I can't read WIWIKAU atm because mums keep referring to losing their baby. And crying, all the time. I don't see my ds's as babies. They are practically grown men. And if I've done a semi reasonably job as a mum then they'll be ready to go off to the next stage of their lives. Less gym stuff to wash / hang out I guess. More food left over when I cook lasagne etc. pros and cons.

I arranged few trips, both work related and sightseeing trips with remaining DC still at home, that just happened to be in the same city as dc1 uni....
Included lunch or dinner, never turned down by uni dc🙂

I'm currently awake worrying. I discovered last evening that I had misunderstood when DS starts. The date I thought he needed to be there is actually the date teaching begins and he has an induction week beforehand. So there is a week less than I thought before he goes.
I know it's only a week, but I'd got a timetable of outstanding things to do mapped out in my head for the next few weeks and it's thrown me that there's one less.
I didn't worry at all really when DD went. She was clearly ready and has always been extremely capable. She was dealing with her flatmates problems and getting everyone organised before the first weekend was over. But DS is a very different kettle of fish. He's rather quirky, not at all sociable and has a couple of medical issues that to be honest he doesn't manage terribly well on his own.
I've just been reading the Student Union pages about the intro week and it's made me feel worse as I just can't see DS wanting to go to any of the social events that are on offer at all. There's stuff he has to do during the day like registration, collecting timetables and so on but I can't imagine that takes a huge amount of time and I am envisaging him spending all the rest of the time sitting in his room alone which makes me feel very sad. There are some clubs he is likely to be interested in so I'm just hoping he can be persuaded to sign up and hopefully meet some more like minded people.
More or less all the social events seem to revolve around alcohol but DS doesn't drink, has never been near a nightclub or had a night out in a pub in his life and has absolutely no interest in that kind of thing. There isn't a single evening activity listed that I think he will want to go to. Though I'm not sure what's worse - the idea of him in his room alone every night or the prospect of him giving into peer pressure, going along to one of these parties and getting into trouble.
I'm not worried about the academic side at all and he'll be ok with the basics of independent living I think, but things that involve interacting with other human beings, not so much. I'm also feeling guilty because he'd expressed an interest in doing an apprenticeship and staying at home but DH and I encouraged him to apply to University as we thought it would be good for him. I'm not so sure now. Hopefully it will be ok once lectures start. He has lots of contact hours and the pastoral care is apparently very good. Fingers crossed...

We are feeling the same here. We are taking our eldest (20) on the 17th and I'm (dad) really starting to feel it. I know my OH is too. We've talked about it, but tend to stop, as I can feel us both starting to get upset.

I know I had a fantastic time at uni, but I'm dreading the drive on the 17th and then finally coming home on the 18th. I'm hoping I can keep it together, but I know inside I'll be in pieces.

He's a strapping 6'3" man and I'm sure he'll be fine, but god, I'm going to miss him so much.

another mum here with a huge knot in her stomach! added complication here of DS having Aspergers which really colours all his interactions. I am dead worried about him either making no fruends or falling in with a bad crowd. it is hard as he is a really closed book - he cant wait to go & i think i will get a text a week if i'm lucky. think we may need to arrange a weekly video call !

@MrsAvocet your DS sounds like a lovely young man. It must be very difficult when you know they might struggle with elements of student life. Is he going very far away? It sounds like you both may benefit from more regular visits. I'm sure he will find his people, I certainly wasn't a huge fan of going out and found some lovely similar minded people who I ended up house sharing with in my 2nd and 3rd years, I am still in touch with one of them today. Please update us with how it all goes.

@Oblomov22 If you read through the thread a lot of posters are talking about making a huge effort to be positive and upbeat and hold back the tears until out of sight. I think it's fine to acknowledge that some of us are struggling and it's been really helpful to find support and know that it will be OK. We are all just trying to do the best for our young adults. My DS is definitely physically a man and we have worked hard to equip him with skills for living independently. But I'm still allowed to worry about him and want him to succeed.

Just reading these messages and thinking about her leaving brings such a feeling of dread. She's 13 months old!

Mum and I both cried when she dropped me off. She had to make me stay!

Do remember back to how excited and forward looking you were when you went to university.

Don't blight that for your DC with excessive emotional display. It's one thing to get a little wistful, and to feel redundant (for your parenting job is now largely over - it was always about getting them competent to leave) but quite another to let yourself dwell on those feelings to magnify them

@doubleshotcappuccino good luck and hope you have the same experience.

@Oblomov22 its great that you’re feeling so positive but perhaps this isn’t the place to be critical of how other people are processing this right of passage. All relationships and circumstances are different. Your post felt a little tone deaf.

Actually twenty, tone deaf? I'm sorry if you don't like what I've said. Sorry if OP only wanted supportive messages. But when have you ever seen an MN thread where different options aren't allowed? I've used OP's thread tbh,admittedly. To vent my frustration at mums constantly crying. I don't mind tears. It's very healthy to cry. To let emotions out. I don't cry very often but when I do I find it an utter relief. I might cry dropping ds1 off, or in the car coming home, in a couple of weeks. No doubt. I never said I wouldn't.

But, Louise Rednapp said she was crying 10 times every day. Every day. To me that excessive. How is that good if your emotions are overwhelming you that much that you aren't functioning well. Perspective is needed there.

When people post that they are worried, what about? Maybe it would help to actually consider what they are actually worried about and whether it's irrational, or whether that fear can be talked about and addressed. That's actually a suggestion. That could help.

But no one here said they would be constantly crying, had constantly cried or that it was a good idea! Just that it was normal to feel a bit sad at a big change 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel it too. It’s hard.

I wonder what the appropriate amount of texts to send is? Everyday, but just one?

Where is the line between smothering and abandoning? I have no idea. Left up to my impulse I’d be spamming her all day.