Son (18) Distraught Over Results

[annelovesthebeach1975]

Hello everyone! I have been a longtime lurker of mumsnet for years now but today I have felt the need to finally make an account and post here, as my house has been plunged into chaos by the dreaded A Level results day. As the title says, my son has been absolutely distraught all day over the fact that his a level results were not what he wanted, and he got rejected by his dream uni, Newcastle University, and also his insurance choice, Birmingham. Although he only wanted to go to Newcastle so he doesn't really care about that. He received BCD although his predicted was AAB so obviously everyone was quite disappointed, but my son has taken it absolutely horrifically and it is breaking my heart. For some backstory, from when my son started lower sixth, his teachers helped students start looking for unis and courses during free periods at least once a week. From when my son began researching unis, he's only ever wanted to go to Newcastle University. When we went to the open day last year after he got his conditional offer he was hooked even further. He even knew what accomodation he wanted. He's a smart boy so I wasnt too worried about him getting in. However, after some of his exams he seemed quite unsure of himself, saying he didn't feel like he did a good job. I assumed this was just him overthinking it but now I believe the fact he didn't actually sit his GCSEs because of covid has had a negative effect on him since these were his first 'real exams.' He has been on the phone to clearing all day basically pleading for a biomed place at Newcastle and he has emailed them directly as well, although biomed and many other science courses are not clearing and his grades are much lower than the entry requirements so it has made things very difficult. I am putting on a brave face for him but on the inside I am heartbroken. This summer all he has talked about is what he's going to do when he goes to Newcastle, how excited he is, and how he's so excited for freshers week in newcastle. His eyes are red raw from crying in his room between contacting Newcastle over and over. He is not usually an emotional lad so this is very upsetting for me. I have contacted his sixth form for advice and they basically told me there is basically no chance he will find a biomed place at Newcastle with his grades, which were a shock to his teachers as they all thought he would breeze through his exams. It is looking like he will have to resit his a levels which while it is not the end of the world, it feels like it for my son when all his mates got into their unis, some Newcastle, and will be starting there next month. I am just looking for any advice on how to comfort him because I want him to know that I am there for him, and if there's any way I can get him a place at Newcastle on a science course that is biomed or similar.

she equally definitely did not want to be a biomedical scientist in a hospital lab because it wasn't very rewarding work.
Certainly undervalued work by some but absolutely critical to diagnosis and care of patients and therefore rewarding if that matters to the individual.

This

Maybe hospital lab gets more rewarding as you get more senior, DD2 certainly didn't find it so during her NHS placement. Plus not only was it unpaid, she didn't even get transport costs so she was actually paying for the privilege of going to work every day – I know the NHS is broke and struggling, but it's not going to attract too many bright young graduates with that approach.

Her Masters was also lab-based but in contrast she was conducting original research in an altogether more dynamic environment.

A placement is training and not work. Do students get paid when they are on placements for becoming doctors? If so, all training positions should be equal.

Do students get paid when they are on placements for becoming doctors?

No

Yes and no. It's both. If you're working full-time hours, 5 days a week and standing next to somebody who is doing exactly the same role as you, and with the same level of responsibility and supervision, then it's work as much as it is training.

And I wasn't comparing it with other NHS placements so much as ones in industry, which are paid, and therefore presumably more attractive to students. DD2 opted for the NHS placement because she thought that was where her career was headed, but it put her off completely.

You can't spend a year doing an EPQ!! And it probably won't give him enough points for his course unless he retakes A levels too.

Op, surely he must have done mock exams at school? Did he have any problems with those?

Has he talked to his teachers? Are any marks for any papers close to the next grade up? Is it worth paying for any to be remarked?

It's never a good idea to get so carried away about a Uni until the results are in, unfortunately.

@thing47 The NHS is the NHS though snd it’s public money. I would be put off too but the NHS is not a private company and with the huge number of placements, how much extra would it cost to pay everyone? Sometimes a placement or job does tell you what you don’t want! As I have a DD who has done unpaid internships, yes, it’s hard and not fair.

Or have a year out and do an epq instead of resitting a levels. He will get ucas points that way.

Bad advice. The only universities that look at UCAS points instead of grades are the ones that the OP's DS wouldn't be interested in anyway. Newcastle looks at grades not points.

You're right of course @TizerorFizz, I'm just pointing out what happens and the fact that some students might not be able to afford a year's unpaid placement. Then the long-term loser is the NHS because they are less likely to attract graduates in this field to go and work for them.

Anyway DD2 didn't really enjoy the work, so for her it was, as you say, a useful exercise in learning what she doesn't want to do.

@thing47
I totally agree about the expense of it all! I do
think you are correct about DCs not knowing what to expect. Or parents.

You can’t spend a year doing an EPQ. The EPQ is usually done in yr 12 along with three A levels
Students are usually given the choice of doing an EPQ or another elective such as financial studies. All done in year 12

Come on OP give is an update!

Hello everyone! Sorry for leaving you on a cliffhanger. Long story short, I spoke to my son, and then we spoke to his teachers, and we have come to the conclusion that he will be taking a gap year while working part time and resitting his exams in 2023. The day after results day when emotions were less fraught I spoke to him about maybe doing a clearing course at a different uni and he said he didn't want to go to a university which is a second choice when he has the chance to go to his 'dream uni.' He gets his stubbornness from me lol.

His teachers broke down his results for me in each exam unit and I have made the connection that the ones he seemed the most nervous for were the ones he did the worst in, therefore pulling down his overall grade down. I have said to him over the next year that he should practice managing his exam anxiety so he doesn't 'freeze up' while resitting, and he agreed that looking into it would be beneficial for him. When we talked about his nervousness further, he revealed that he felt a lot of pressure going into his exams because he was always expected to do well in school, which he did because he is extremely hardworking and diligent with revision (contrary to one poster on this thread saying my son was obviously ‘lazy’ and needed to ‘grow up’). I have always been very careful when praising his hard work at school because I didn’t want him to think that I would only be proud of him if he achieved a high mark in trivial exams at school, so it upset me to hear that he felt like he would disappoint people if he didn’t do as good as he thought he should. I feel like there will be a lot less pressure for him when he resits his exams because he will be able to revise and not compare himself to others in his class or what teachers expect of him. He is a very bright boy who was predicted AAB so I have no doubt he will be able to smash it this time around.

All in all, this has been a very big hard life lesson for my son and I. I hope this will teach my son to go forward in life not valuing his success on the reaction of others. Those who posted here with kindness and success stories, thank you so much. Those who posted saying that results day can be one of the hardest days parenting wise, you are correct. Not only are you trying to console your distraught child, you also have to deal with opening Facebook, Whatsapp or messenger and seeing 500 posts of parents smiling with their kid and celebrating. Not that that’s a bad thing, it can just make you feel very isolated if you’re going through the complete opposite. For future reference, if your child receives their results and they are very distressed, know you are not alone. There will be thousands of other families going through the same stress and heartbreak, and that once the clouds pass a solution will appear.

if your child receives their results and they are very distressed, know you are not alone. There will be thousands of other families going through the same stress and heartbreak, and that once the clouds pass a solution will appear.

Very true indeed @annelovesthebeach1975; my dd missed the grades for her choices three years ago, we had a tremendously stressful day and sorted out a clearing place at what turned out to be a great fit for her; she has just graduated with a first in Eng lit so it worked out well. Very best of luck to your ds.

Thanks for the update. Make sure to check that Newcastle accepts resits but I wish him the best of luck for next year.

I am glad that you have a plan, OP. Please do check that Newcastle will accept resits for Biomed - I know from experience a few years ago that the medical school only accepts resits with supporting information on extenuating circumstances.

Please do not allow him to attempt the resits purely through self-directed study. He is going to need some kind of input in the form of teaching or tuition in order to pick up 2+ grades.

Finally, I know he has his heart set on Newcastle but I really strongly recommend that he look again at his wider options, particularly by visiting his friends at other universities. The risk is that he feels the stakes are even higher next year, leading to him piling even more pressure on himself. It will really help if he has a genuine, realistic insurance option.

I wish him the best of luck.

Thanks for the update, he’ll fly next year! Your comment about all the crowing parents on social media is exactly why I didn’t post anything & my mother even said “you’ve not put anything on FB, aren’t you proud of him?!” My DS did well and is in at his first choice Uni, but we decided to keep it classy & be mindful of others.

Sounds like a great plan OP, like I said above, I think a lot of students just aren't ready for uni post covid - I suspect he'll do better in the long run by taking the extra year. Best of luck to him.

"Crowing" is really quite a nasty word to use to describe parents who feel relieved and proud of their children's achievements after 14 years of education, some of whom have overcome very difficult personal circumstances to achieve their results. I think that most parents DO mention their children on social media on results day in some way or other, it doesn't have to be a list of grades or anything, just that you're proud of their hard work and getting to this milestone etc.

Have you stopped to think that the fact that you haven't mentioned anything at all about your son on social media may suggest to your DS that you aren't particularly bothered about his results, or for some reason want to keep it hidden from people because you're disappointed or embarrassed about it. Most young people with manners don't go on their OWN social media boasting to their mates about what they've achieved, because they are mindful that some of their peers will be disappointed in their own results. So the students themselves generally won't be exposed to that "crowing" as you so nicely put it.

It's the STUDENT who is actually unhappy with THEIR exam results, their parent can be worried at the unexpected change of plan or not know how to support them in their disappointment. But that parent can surely still recognise that a whole cohort of teenagers will have a whole mixture of outcomes and results. If you can't be happy for other people's children, then really, don't go anywhere near social media at all from now on, for the rest of their lives. People are always going to post pictures of their adult children getting married, or getting an exciting job, or of their first grandchildren, or being surrounded by good friends. Should they be mindful of those who have adult children who may be struggling to hold down a job or relationship, or having fertility issues etc.

Lol @CurlyhairedAssassin sorry if I touched a nerve there! I couldn’t be more proud of my DS & his academic achievements and he knows it, I just don’t need the validation of likes etc. on FB and I’m friends with his mates’ parents, none of us posted. The people who he wanted to know about his exam results and Uni placement were told by him. It is crowing on FB (whether you call it that, or boasting, or whatever, it is known as Boastbook!) and it’s absolutely fine if everyone is comfy with that, but my DS actually achieved high grades, and is very mindful of friends who, for various reasons, didn’t get great news that day, and we didn’t want to rub it in.
What you don’t know is that all his life milestones are tinged with sadness because his DF died several years ago, and he feels his loss keenly when he’s got news to share. It’s made him much more empathetic to people’s life ‘stuff’. He’s also got a disability to cope with which limits his career choices irrespective of exam results. I am incredibly proud of him as a person, every single day.
With reference to what people post on FB in general, of course I am genuinely happy for people’s good news, but I’m not so naïve to think that posts aren’t carefully audited and sometimes edited version of reality.

I find it depressing that showing pride in a child's achievement is written off as "crowing". It's a miserable attitude that is applied to posting anything positive.

And no nerve has been touched here. I have about 13 friends on Facebook, all of whom are close friends and family and rarely post.

‘Crowing’ is a horrible adjective to use for proud parents sharing good news. Really quite misanthropic.

This make sure he has tutoring and that he may still not get into Newcastle. He may get into other good unis though so don’t let it go missing for pride or stubbornness. I& he’s taking a year out to get it right it also has to be tempered with a view if not wasting the yea4 if an opportunity is available elsewhere

Hi, I have just come across your question while searching for university resits. My daughter has just finished her first year at Newcastle studying physiological science which sheares its first year with Biomed ( she is thinking of changing to biomed) Unfortunately she failed one of her 1st year exams, resit was today which she said was even harder than the first one and so if she fails that as well, I am not quite sure what will happen!! I am just wondering what your sons decide to do. My daughter has loved Newcastle but the teaching has been sporadic with lots of strikes - she has missed at least 5 weeks of lectures. It is a hard course, harder than she thought with a lot of content she has twice as many lectures as her friends and they party hard - possibly why she failed in the first place!!! I hope is feeling a little less upset and has managed to come up with a plan. As hard as it feels now he will grow and probably work harder with whatever he ends up doing!