DD17 really struggling with choices

[Maltester71]

Hello

after moral support or ideas!

DD1 has just turned 17. She’s always been young for the year, but also emotionally young I’d say. Missed out on a lot due to the pandemic (year 10/11 heavily impacted) but despite this got great GCSE results (999999988). She was in a state comprehensive and always one of the brightest.

Transferred to sixth form last summer. Is predicted A*AA so again good grades. She studies history, politics and geography. In sixth form, she’s no longer one of the brightest. It’s a selective sixth form, they are all very bright! I think this has knocked her confidence a bit.

the problem is, she doesn’t have a clue what she wants to study. We suggested law and she’s spent a day with a solicitor, which she really enjoyed. She then felt certain that this was a path she was interested in.

we visited two RG universities in July, looked at Law. She liked both. However she resists any attempt to pursue this. So she says she’s ‘too busy’ and ‘overwhelmed’ and doesn’t have any interest in further work experience or short courses this summer. She ‘wants to chill.’

I know she would need to show some commitment to law on her personal statement in order to stand a chance in a RG, especially with last years cohort having deferred with TAGs. We agree on a RG university being important if she wants to pursue a career in law, really, as it seems hard to get training contracts.

I have of course suggested a year out after her A levels. I would prefer she did this, and it would give her time to get the experience for her PS. She has a job where she can pick up more hours, and she’s currently learning to drive and will have her own car. So the year off seems a good solution.

she is however ‘not sure’ she wants to have a year off. Says ‘it depends.’ When I ask ‘what it depends on?’ She replies variously (a) it depends if my friends are going away and (b) it depends if I find a university I like.

I honestly think she thinks she will just apply somewhere she fancies and they will give her a place. Even though I’ve explained this is very unlikely.

I don’t know where to go from here. She will have to go to open days and apply to UCAS in the next few months. If she applies for law, im
pretty sure she will be rejected from all 5 in the current climate. This will knock her confidence further.

She’s driving me ever so slightly to the wine!

any thoughts??

You guys are lovely.

I didn’t open the wine.

My experience has been 3 completely different ones with each child.

No.1 always aspired to go to Uni and follow his passion for science as they knew that’s where it gets really interesting. They have an innate aptitude for it so which has helped and they’re doing a Masters.

No.2 knew they didn’t want to go as they’d had enough of formal education. They’re forging their own path and are still aspirational.

No.3 is more similar to your DD. Was very ‘flaky’ throughout Y12 and 13. Didn’t involve us but did ask for advice at times. Their friend group (made in 6th form) were all heading to Uni with solid ideas of what they wanted and that made it harder. In the end they opted to go and are doing Mechanical Engineering as it has good transferable skills if they don’t stay on that path. I’ll admit we found it hard at times but it was the lack of communication mostly. (An ongoing issue!) Finding the balance between being supportive and frustrated was testing at times.

Personally, keeping the lines of communication became our main goal rather than the outcome served us well.

Yes I totally relate to your third experience. I’ve had variously ‘I need your advice’ and ‘I dunno, I can’t be bothered with it.’

ive gone from ‘totally hands off’ through ‘a few pointers’ to ‘right, we are here at this university, let’s go in and listen to that, and look at this accommodation.’

the latter approach, when we’ll timed, works well. It’s constantly trying to gauge what approach to use today/this week.

on balance, reading your experiences, I think I might just say nothing about it at all during the summer holidays, but make a list of possibilities so that if she comes in An autumn panic, we can work through options and narrow it down.

You could entertain yourself making a list of open days - some universities have events like guided campus tours over the summer (Kent is particularly lovely in yhe sunshine, less so in rain and a howling gale), but proper open days will start up again in early / mid September and there will inevitably be days with more than two on the go. You can at least be prepared with a thought to the logistics and perhaps give her a little prod later in the summer - presumably not all of her friends will have 'done' every open day they intend to already and might be planning to go and look at, say, Birmingham on September 10th, to give but one example?

Haha, I seem to have read your mind...

You did indeed.

we went to two open days, I realised that several are on the same day (why do they do this? So frustrating!). So we have key dates earmarked for the autumn ones, which involves us juggling work around (and younger child). Just need a bit of a steer from her whether anyone if this is worthwhile.

I understand your concern, and desire to help.

There are huge decisions to make and, after the lock-down disruption it's unsurprising that many Y12s are unclear on how to proceed.

UCAS deadline (for us normal mortals ) is January, although schools will have their own deadlines for references to be done, possibly November, you don't have to put all 5 choices down straightaway.

And, in my DC experience, unis are flexible. Both DC1 and DC3 got their offers changed (same uni, different course) a week before the June acceptance date. It's not uncommon.

Personally I believe open days are useful, mainly to see the town/city and picture yourself spending 3-4-5 years there. But they're not essential. Due to Covid, DC2 didn't do any, just a day trip to the city to confirm he'd be happy there.

At the end of the day it's their decision and if you can be there to support, that's job done.

Also, when they get offers, offer holder days are usually available, which is a good opportunity to visit.

Thanks.

(Do you get to go on offer holder days prior to putting down your firm/insurance?)

As a parent of two teens who have left school I think you need to take a step back,

neither of mine went to open days, one pre pandemic and one during. University is a huge step and your teen really needs to have the commitment to persue it.

Be on hand to offer support and words of wisdom, if you’re asked but don’t apply pressure,

Not sure how school works in England but in Scotland school encouraged and supported all teens on their further education choice whether it be their application to UCAS, applying for apprenticeships or careers advice.

Each university only sees their application for each set course and no others,

Yes you can generally go to applicant/offer holder days in autumn/spring before deciding. They are usually running sample lectures and seminars to entice students. You don't need to study Law as a degree to follow it as a career.if she would rather keep her options open a more subject based degree can be followed by Law school, often sponsored by a legal firm.

See, that’s all good advice in theory, but my DD always finds it hard to picture things abd gets quite anxious.

for example, she somehow pictured that all
halls of residence were big, soulless places. Rooms would be cold, bathrooms dirty. No idea why.

open days really helped with that. Left to her own devices, she would never have asked to attend one. Came away with a ‘priority’ list for accommodation at that university. Felt like a good step forward, worth the effort of driving there and back.

Would it help for her to consider other aspects of what she wants to do next. If she definitely wants to go to uni, does she want a campus uni or one in a city centre, a modern one or an ancient one, one near enough to home that she could come back sometimes for an overnight or as far from home as possible?

If she genuinely enjoys law, then doing it as an undergraduate course is a good idea. But I wouldn't trust that lawyer who says the conversion is brutal. Most lawyers I know did the conversion and were fine with it.

Remind her nothing is set in stone. If she applies and changes her mind, she can defer or turn down any offers. If she chooses to have a gap year, she doesn't need to stay home. She could work abroad, or get a job locally but travel at weekends to visit friends who went to uni.

There are always different accommodation options, to an extent it is what you make it. Covid has disrupted the social experience of current students which may not help the ambience. Once her friends get down to the application process she may become more interested. Unless she is looking at Oxbridge, medicine, vet school there is no rush though.

Yes, you’re right

Why does she have to go to university? She could just look for a job. So many young people go to university because they are expected to by parents or sixth form, there are other choices.

Because she wants to?

Because she wants to?

Just hopping back on to say that’s for the ‘Unifrog’ recommendation, that looks interesting!

I know a ton of lawyers. Barely any of them did a law degree- all went down the bar school / conversion course route instead. DH did a law degree and wished he had studied something else before bar school.

OP,

Just an outside thought, but: casting your mind back, is there any university or degree programme that your DD has shown interest in that you (or her other parent, if on the scene) have criticised? I ask because your DD is obviously very able, hence capable of deciding to go quiet about something she may care about that the adult(s) she lives with oppose. This could be cloaked in ambivalence and/or hurt, hence momentary enthusiasms.

I realise this is not very likely. Otherwise, something may yet inspire her. If it doesn’t, I agree with you that a gap year is in her best interests. The reason is that (providing she plans to attend university) her real best interest lies in a 1st class or 2.1degree. It is by no means impossible to find graduate employment without this, but it is certainly more difficult and most of the major employers now advertise a requirement for this standard.

With my personal tutees and other students I know I’ve found repeatedly that feeling a sense of purpose leads to confidence and the ability to act in your own best interest. Without a sense of purpose students just don’t do as well. A gap year focuses many minds.

Are you sure she isnt struggling with the idea of going to uni? It's not for everyone and its not for everyone at 18.
I was quite immature at her age. In the end I decided not to go to uni and get a job. As fate would have it in my late 20's I decided to go to uni, did a course I was dedicated too and dis really well as I spent my 20's growing on matury and confidence. And I swiftly caught up with my peers after uni.
Have you discussed not going to uni as an option? She could get a job/ travel for a couple of years. It will do wonders for her confidence and maturing and she may well be better off for it.

She ‘wants to chill. As others have suggested I would give her some space away from thinking about it for at least for a month,

perhaps she wants to feel more comfortable socially after a change of sixth form before contemplating striking out on her own?

She should put in an application this year even if it is just a trial run. It does not commit her to anything. You could revisit with her application choices end of August suggesting that it is worth doing some online research. She can then do open days in the autumn. If she wants to or wait until offers come in before visiting.

Thanks again for your helpful and supportive posts.

her real passion lies in musical theatre. However, this tends to be more of a hobby and she loves certain musicals with a passion.

prior to A levels, we explored what she might do in this field. She doesn’t want to be a stage professional (front or back stage) and she doesn’t want to work in theatres. She doesn’t want to teach drama.

she chose her A levels as a ‘head’ decision, but I think she misses studying/performing musicals.

we’ve discussed going back and doing musical theatre instead of A levels - she doesn’t want to. We’ve looked at universities with good extra curricular offer in this area, but as time has gone on, she’s less bothered about this.

she often expresses a fear of growing up and taking on responsibility. I’d say she’s always been anxious. Can’t pinpoint why she’s worried, though says she has had a lovely childhood and doesn’t want it to end (which is lovely of course). I really think a gap year would be brilliant, but the replies on here have helped me think about how to help her apply this year but think of it as optional.