Disappointing university experience

[GettinTrimmer]

Has anybody found their dc going into year 3 are still struggling socially following the disruption due to Covid?

I am hoping ds will have a good 3rd year as he's sharing a house with some friends he met through a society, so that is positive. He is very shy and takes a long time to get to know people. He's been home since the start of the Easter holidays apart from going back a couple of times to meet with people socially. He phoned me for a chat on one occasion during one visit back at uni, as he felt very anxious. He decided to stay home as he was spending all week alone only seeing society friends at the weekend.

Unfortunately he has made no new friends on his course (still blended learning and limited contact with people) and some societies haven't restarted. Two socieites he tried felt awkward for him as people seemed to know each other and he didn't know anyone. He does makes friends, but it takes time.

For my ds as a shy person, it would have helped to meet people at the start of the first year and take time to get to know them in a normal situation. The uni experience has been made more difficult by Covid. He tries his best and is going abroad to take part in an environmental conservation project for 2 weeks then off with his society for a trip, so he'll be busy for a month.

He's had no luck finding a summer job and wouldn't work in sales or hospitality; he is looking for gardening, ware house work, supermarket etc. No replies to anything he has applied for on a temp basis.

My DF passed away coming up for a year ago. He had some extentions to his academic work and kept going but almost gave up in the first year. Of course that has been very difficult :(

This is a bit long, thanks to anyone who's read this far. I hope all of us with dc who have struggled going into the third year have a better and more satisfying year.

That sounds tough for your DS, I can only imagine there are thousands in his position. Quite understand that you would be worried.

There do though seem to be some positives from what you say. Very good he has made some friends via his society and has flat mates. I hope next year he settles and consolidates - I know for me even 30 years ago the third year was when lots came together socially.

Has he tried making friends online? Sometimes creating friendships online will mean that by the time they meet face to face they already have an established rapport.

Does the course have an online forum or FB group? Or the societies?

Lots are in the same boat I think. You could try the friendship finder on WIWIKAU, they match them up with others at their uni. I hope he has a better 3rd year.

My son is in the same boat also going into the 3rd year. He doesn't even have a house share and we've had to take a room in a private block of university accommodation for next year again. He had no fresher's week and even though his university have been great at face to face tutorials and meetings, he just hasn't met a lot of people. He won't ever sign up for stuff on his own. He still plays a sport once a week but with people he met before university and they don't do any social stuff. I think he's going to end university without any of the usual experiences which I find really sad.

Ds also going into year 3 and he is just wanting to get it done now. He has had a nice group in a house this year and is going into a nice new house in September but he knows hardly anyone on his course and it has been really hard for him. Interaction from uni has been limited, he gave up on a year in industry as there was no help from his course at all. I feel for him as so much has been on line with little time for learning together.

Unfortunately no advice for your DS but DD1 has just finished her third year and it has, by far, been her most settled and sociable.
She's really thrived and grown over the last year. She has galvanised friendships, let bad ones go and has made plenty of new lasting relationships.
I think there are many in the same situation.
I think as parents we feel it more than they do, we hear them on the phone at their darkest times but not when things are better so I think we can get a skewed view of things.
I know over the last year I've sat worried about not hearing from DD for days and making up all kinds of scenarios in my head when all it's been' is she's found her feet and is flying. Evidently doesn't need mummy any more, haven't heard from her in over a week and only know she had her summer ball last night because she sent her sister some photos.
I wish you and your son much luck for year three and hope his experiences improve.

This really resonates with me as my DD has been on the phone in tears again today. I actually think she may now be depressed. That second lock down in early 2021 was really tough. Being stuck at home it meant she didn't get to consolidate any friendships that were starting to form, or widen a social circle that had been limited by Covid restrictions. This was compounded because during that term she developed a serious relationship with a boy at uni and by the time they went back after Easter they were very much a couple. All was fine until they broke up around Christmas. Being in a couple and not having had the opportunity to develop a strong social group of her own means she has been left feeling like she doesn't really have friends. Her self esteem and confidence are nosediving. Its encouraging to hear other comment that their DD found their social relationships developed in the third year. I'm so worried about her. And so sorry to hear of others still struggling. Uni is meant to be an amazing time, but clearly not proving so for all.

Op we are crying out for gardeners in our area, could you buy him a lawnmower and a small vehicle so he can be self employed in the summer. Regarding university if this is his last year then he and his fellow students will be working non stop(hopefully) so I would think he would have little time to socialise. I wish him luck in his studies

Hi, thanks for replies; sorry so many of them are going through an unsatisfying time at uni.

Juja thanks, yes there are some positives, thank goodness he did the one society that welcomed him immediately.

kikiterrific he said nobody now posts on the course Whatsapp group. Such a shame he's not made friends on the course, I'll ask him if there are any more groups but I think he's on one for his society.

Pearlypinknails Any suggestion from me to find a friendship finder on WIWIKAU would be met with offence, he doesn't want me to interfere as he sees it and he would be very unhappy if he knew I am posting on Mumsnet. He knows I worry but trying not to let it show as doesn't help him. Very frustrating.

Orangeball so disappointing....hope he finds a nice social group in third year. My ds is saying on reflection it would have been a good idea to take a gap year, but that doesn't help matters. It is frustrating when they won't try things on their own, but I do empathise with how nerve wracking this is; my ds did but was quickly put off, luckily one society paid off. I tried explaining if I hadn't joined a hobby group I wouldn't have met my dh and he wouldn't be here today! But of course, I know nothing.

mumonthehill shame about your ds's year in industry; my ds's uni seemed to be slow in getting information out. I hope they get to know some people on their course next year and your ds has a more satisfying experience.

drivinmecrazy I know what you mean about hearing about when things go wrong. When I don't hear from my ds I know that no news is good news. Thank you for good luck wishes, they all deserve it My ds isn't into summer ball or one for clubbing but likes the pub, hence got fed up with being woken at 3am. Hopefully this lot of new house mates are more suitable for him.

blimppy I am sorry to hear of your dd's rubbish time so far at uni. I agree the 2nd lockdown was dire; I hope your dd will be able to access some counselling should she agree to it, and the third year is more satisfying. Hearing of everyone on here saying it worked out has given me hope, and I wish your dd all the best. Difficult for her also with a relationship not working out.

After that early 2021 lockdown my ds also had a romantic disappointment, but it was short lived. Still enough to unsettle him, together with loss of his Grandad and he needed an extention to his studies.

stepuporshutup my late DF taught him gardening, we have equipment he can use, but so far he has worked on my friends' gardens, cash in hand. Unfortunately he doesn't drive yet, and for the gardening he has done so far I've ferried him around which isn't ideal. It's an idea for the future though, thanks. It will be hard studying this year I agree; hopefully with less time to socialise what he does get involved in will be more rewarding.

My DS is the same, just coming to the end of year 2 and pretty depressed/unimpressed by the whole Uni experience. His first year was pretty bad due to covid and his Uni not doing anything F2F (even when rules allowed), so he spent the first year mostly in his Uni campus flat, only meeting his flat mates in the communal kitchen (college common rooms etc were locked). But he did a lot of "chatting" online via course/module chat groups etc. He was looking forward to year 2 for the "in person" experience, clubs/societies, etc, and did "Freshers" week as year 2 student with great enthusiasm, but it all turned into a damp squib. A lot of the clubs/societies he was hoping to join (based on list on Uni website) simply didn't happen and seem to have disbanded in the first covid year. He's not political, sporty or partying, so basically left with very little choice - he joined a few he wasn't really interested in, in the hope of meeting like minded people, but they were all tiny groups/cliques and not interested in students who were new to that interest/hobby etc. He's met a few people in lectures etc on his course, but about half his modules have been online so not really made any "friends" as such. He's in campus accommodation again for Year 2, and it's been pretty dire as his flat is a mix of different years (a PHD, a masters, a couple of year 3s and couple of year 2s and a succession of temporary foreign students), so not made any friends in his flat either. He's 50:50 whether to carry on to year 3 or just give up. Covid and some Uni's poor response to it (ie online when not required, closed common rooms when not required, etc etc) has really killed the Uni "experience" for him.

badbadbunny yes, my ds had the same experience with societies apart from one where they encouraged new people, it was just luck. He doesn't play competitive sports like your ds. I wouldn't blame your ds if he did give up. I don't know the situation regarding fees, but is taking a year off, then applying from the start again an option?

I takes a while to get in with people and with limited opportunities to do so in the right situations it is hard, even for outgoing types.

Even at my age I went to our jubilee street party and found out the newer families have formed a big social life 😕 felt strangely left out even though I'd only just met them....not quite logical I know, especially when I am too much of a lightweight to stay up until 3am drinking! Really feel for all our dc and the rubbish experience.

Just found this thread. DC is in more or less the same boat: pretty dismal first year, second year not much better because of house-share difficulties and now hoping for a better final year.

Wishing them all well.

I’m with you on this. It is getting better for dd end of second year now, lots of parties, festivals, but covid restrictions killed her full experience until recently. Just really hope next year is normal with more f2f teaching, feel for our young folk so much. 21st century life not easy no matter what their path is.

Same here for my DD she's looking forward to year 3 with a new house share, but it's all been a less than optimal experience for her. It's not just students either - her boyfriend is in his first year of work and is also struggling with so many people wfh, there is just not the social/community atmosphere at work there should be. They're all very isolated.

My ds has just decided to withdraw after the first year. He was away in a city 3h from home. He had some f2f contact for seminars but still over 50% online. He didn't really get to know any people from his course. He is very slow to warm up to people and really very shy. He has spent the year mostly in his room. He seems ok with that but I am heartbroken that he hasn't enjoyed it or seemed to make any progress.

On top of COVID restrictions that prevented us from taking part in uni visits and open days in his y13, a lot of restrictions were still in place when he moved there re masks and distancing plus repeated COVID isolations. I think for my DS the two years of lockdown have really damaged his social skills. At a time when he should have been getting a PT job, revising for a levels, going on college trips and attending 18th birthday parties he was just in the house. He socialises with old friends on line (gamer) and only rarely in person. He came back home last week without a plan as to what he's going to do next

I think even in normal times he would have struggled with the social aspects and taken time to come out of his shell as he is a proper introvert.

I really hope your ds finds himself a bit more settled this year. Even if 'all' he gets from uni is a degree, that's worth a lot. I understand how it can be difficult to offer practical support when they just out of hand reject your suggestions.

@Wazzzzzuuuuuuup so sorry to hear of all the troubles your son has had. Sounds really tough on him though if he's that unhappy then leaving uni does seem the right decision. As you say also so hard on you as to how to support him. As mothers we understandably do load ourselves up with their concern don't we....

Universities seem to be so variable - my DS (1st yr) has 95% face to face which is very fortunate. Only change is these 'open book take your exam in your room' experience. He did though work overseas for a year before going to Uni so had a different 6th form experience to your DS as he was the year before with A Levels just cancelled at the end of 6th form. I am sure you are right that not having a 6th form with normal social interactions must have had an impact - particularly for introverts - their normal is so different.

Hard to offer any advice - just wanted to show support. I suppose getting a job and getting out working and meeting people might be a first step in readjusting. Has he thought about degree apprenticeships?

Waaaaauuuuuuup so sorry to hear of your ds's disappointment. I agree Covid ruined that time in 6th form and it's heartbreaking as a parent. Your Ds could repeat his first year, maybe after gaining confidence this year? Mine games in his room with old friends too. For introverts forging your way during first year at uni is hard. How difficult for you with him so far from home.😏

Juja yes it seems a weird way to do exams this open book. This is why he stayed home as no need to be at uni. We cleared out his student house (first time I've seen it) we paid a fortune for rent for a dark, dank and depressing house. Together with housemates not being friends now I can understand him not wanting to be there! Hoping he has some success today for a job interview. All crossed.

yes it seems a weird way to do exams this open book

My DS has really struggled with exam season. Some exams were in exam halls, other were online. No real explanation or logic for the difference. The real killer was that there weren't any "past papers" for the online ones. All they had were the past papers for the exam hall/in person exams, which he worked through during revision. But the actual online exams were VERY different, different format, different type of question, etc., presumably written to discourage cheating etc., which is fair enough, but they should have given the students some sample questions and the format so they could prepare for them. Lots of chatter in the group chats with most students pretty unhappy with the different format and different question style that they'd literally never seen before!

Stressful and confusing Badbadbunny it would be interesting to know why the uni has opted to roll exams out in this way. All the best to your Ds.

Sadly, the entire year was the same. Some modules wholly on line, some wholly in person, some a mix. Then some which started online turned into in-person mid way through the module, and vice versa. Add into that a change in lecturer mid way through the module on 2 modules which didn't help either. Very disruptive and very disappointing after his Uni had everything online for the first year. He thought all that was history when he started the 2nd year and his timetable showed everything in person, but as the days/weeks passed, more and more was put online instead.

It's been tough and some struggle anyway, I didn't make many friends to be honest, none on my course. As for work, there's vacancies everywhere, I'm surprised he's struggling, have you looked at his applications? Hospitality is the best option for seasonal work though unless you are in an area for fruit picking, plenty of work doing that. Supermarkets will be looking for permanent stuff

I wish you and your kids well.if it's any consolation my middle son started uni in 2019 so is finishing now.this last year has been muchbetter but he really struggled with 1st and 2nd year , just as he was starting to make friends lockdown happened and halls closed .he has only one friend from his course,has some nice housemates and a couple of other friends.he had a very big social circle at school so really struggled with it being difficult to make friends at uni. Online learning didn't work for him including pre -recorded maths lectures - why ??either he failed exams in 1st and 2nd years.his mood was very low and we were very worried about him.all his learning has been in person though this year although lectures were cancelled with strikes.i think the kids and parents need to challenge why online learning is still happening - there is no justification.michele donelan is the universities minister and contact your local MP s too, I along with other parents did this it was on a chat on here and daisy cooper raised it as a question in parliament previously when everything opened up except unis . I couldn't understand why I could get a manicure but he couldn't go to socially distanced seminars wearing masks in lecture theatres. we mustn't accept this as a status quo - what is the rationale for it ? My son doesn't want to go to his graduation says it's been a really unhappy time in his life.he and his friends including the old school ones feel they have hardly been at uni and are anxious about leaving and the future. I don't believe we should let the government and unis get away with anything regarding our kids education -they have sacrificed enough.

I forgot to say that before that October lockdown they had been doing socially distanced seminars wearing masks in lecture theatres for a few weeks hence us not being able to clarify the justification for not resuming those when things opened up last June I think it was or May