Oxford / Cambridge - current students support / chat thread 2022

[DadDadDad]

Continuing a thread for anyone who wants to talk about their sons' and daughters' experience being a student in Oxford or Cambridge. (Or nephews, granddaughters, sisters, uncles - or if you or they have now graduated but you want to share your thoughts - all are welcome!)

Some of us on this thread go back to I think to late 2019 when our DCs were going through the admission process. A lot's happened since!

Over to you...

mutterphore it’s not to do with Cambridge as opposed to Oxford but the very varied characteristics of individual tutors. Mine have had wildly different approaches between tutors at Oxford, within the same faculties.

How are all the freshers settling?
DS is really struggling. He's lonely and is unable to make himself join in with anything. I know the welfare support at his college is really good and hoping he will be persuaded to seek some help, but suspect he won't be able to make himself go that either. It's still very early days, I know, but it's not the start he had built himself up to. He won't even go to get hot food from the canteen as he feels so awkward :(

Oh argh petitebleu. Thats rubbish. Is he like to feel better once lectures get going?

I really hope so, but he's getting himself into a state about the whole thing. He's worked hard for it and really deserves to be there but his self-esteem has taken a huge hit and he's feeling like everybody is more confident and smarter than him.

@petitebleu I'm sorry to hear that. When we went to Fresher's Tea on drop off day, one of the staff was telling the boy in front of us that "everyone seems really confident and sorted, but don't be fooled, because everyone is just as nervous and scared". It doesn't help when it doesn't look that way though.

What is his room set up like- could he knock on his neighbour's door and ask to join them when they go for a meal?

What interests does he have - can he join one of the societies or clubs at the 'freshers fair' or whatever it's called (I think today at C?)

I really hope that tomorrow, when lectures start he starts to feel better. Does he have a college parent?

@petitebleu Just checked messages from DS1 and the fair was yesterday...did your DS go? I hope he finds a way to get stuck in...'feel the fear and do it anyway' is what my (much, much) more confident brother says to me.

I hope he knows that it definitely, definitely will get better. He's going to have to find it in himself somehow and I'm sure he will. Would it help to go and get involved in something based outside the university, even this early? One of the nicest things I did at C was to volunteer with the student volunteering organisation which i think was organised with the council - can't remember its name im sorry. All I did was babysit for a woman once a week so she could go to an evening class, but there were lots of other options. I used the evening to work, but it was so peaceful knowing I was 'doing something' and very unpressured.

I was also a Chapel goer at C - I know its not for everyone but the chaplain was a friend of mine all the way through uni and again it was very relaxed. There are lots of very friendly religious organisations at C but what I liked about the Chapel was it didn't feel too religious 🙃

@Panicmode1 he missed it yesterday but it's on again today. I have encouraged him to go and he says he will but I'm not confident he actually will get there. I really hope he does.

I've reminded him to talk to his college parents but he's not keen.

Hoping today is easier for him.

@petitebleu sorry to hear that he is finding it difficult - the Freshers period can feel a bit intimidating. DS's first impression was that others seemed to be more socially confident than him, but he ended up finding people he feels comfortable with.

Once teaching starts (tomorrow?) your son will be able to meet some people at lectures, supervisions etc.

For meals, it might be easier to turn up early (sit alone, with a book as a prop if needed) rather than walking into a crowded canteen full of people sitting in groups. Then if someone asks to join him, he could put the book away and introduce himself.

@petitebleu Is your son on any whatsapp groups for his course? They're a good way to connect. He should keep an eye out for events organised by the chaplain, as I think they're aimed at bringing people together.

From what DD tells me, college parents are hit and miss in terms of engagement and keeping an eye out and there are lots of people in C who live a hermit-like existence, so encourage him to get out and about and talk to people as much as possible

Sorry to hear that your DS is struggling @petitebleu. Imposter syndrome (both academic and social) is alive and well at Oxbridge.
Did he make any online connections, eg. with people in his subject, over the past few months? If so it might be less threatening to make social arrangements online - if he's in a WhatsApp group or similar, he could just post something low key like "does anyone fancy a coffee/beer/walk round a park this afternoon?" or whatever. Others who are feeling isolated might welcome that.
(My DD (Oxford, 3rd year) was a 2020 fresher and so everything was online due to Covid. She was prolific in the chat groups and Zoom calls before arriving, and the ability to make arrangements to meet (outside) was a godsend.)

Oh, another type of jelly beans was thinking the same as me 😂

@petitebleu it is tough isn't it - my DS (O, just going into 2nd year) found it tough at the start of his first year - felt he was an odd ball being Northern State School - convinced everyone else was southern private school with different values (19 year olds can be v quick to judge with no evidence 😀. Very hard to convince he otherwise that was a his perception.... he had such high expectations.

DS took refuge in rowing which he much enjoyed and bit by bit it got better and by the summer term he had a super group of friends from a wide range of backgrounds.

Can your son find an activity to focus on that gives him structure - we all tend to amplify the bad. The great thing about college sports is you don't have to be good - just enthusiastic.

petitebleu I'm so sorry to hear how your DS is feeling. I've been in Oxford over freshers' move in weekend, from Thursday to Monday. I was talking to my own DC about the number of freshers I saw who were on their own and clearly anxious and lonely. I was taking a lot of photos on Sunday across a large number of colleges and couldn't help overhearing a number of conversations between freshers and their parents. Two in particular were panicking and saying to their respective parents that they really felt they wouldn't cope. It's incredibly widespread, the feeling of isolation in the early days. A second year was saying exactly that to two freshers on the steps in Wadham. That in itself won't help your own DS move forward but I would urge him to go through the pain barrier and eat in hall. The feel the fear and do it anyway maxim is exactly right, although not easy, especially for the naturally shy. Ironoaks also makes a very good practical point about going in early, and using a book or a phone as a crutch. But please urge him not to miss meals.

Agree with Juja about college sports. Any group which meets reasonably frequently would do.

A striking thing about Oxford students as you walk about town - compared to say Durham which I also know well - is how many more singular looking students there are. That diversity is obviously a huge plus for all sorts of reasons but it may make peers more accepting of different much quieter types and assume that they are happy being quiet and on their own. That can create a problem for the quieter fresher who actually wants to use uni to branch out. Hence the vital importance of not taking the line of least resistance and removing yourself from the fray by eating alone etc.The vital thing in early days is not to withdraw. Other freshers will be very, very keen to engage, but they need the signal that that's what is wanted, rather than the reverse.

The very best wishes to you both.

@goodbyestranger I agree any regularly meeting group helps e.g. choir, band, board games. Alternatively a few clubs that meet on different days - quite a few faculties have social groups too.

The other approach is join two or three clubs that meet on different days which at least get you out of your room.

The move to Uni with many fewer hours of contact time can make the day seem long especially when you haven't found a gang to hang out with.

Oh @petitebleu my D1 was just like this at the start, I think it took her several days to pluck up courage to go and eat in hall. She had (and still has) imposter syndrome, convinced everyone else was cleverer than her. She was also the only state ed person in her (covid) household, and the only one from the north. She felt very far from home. It's such a big adjustment to make. I'd suggest connecting with anyone on subject WhatsApps and going for coffee/beer after lectures, joining a few clubs, choir etc. There are loads of try out sessions in the early weeks so it doesn't have to be a long term commitment - D1 had a go at rowing and kayaking, found someone to go to choir with, someone to go swimming with etc. Best of luck to him.

Definitely! The Cowley Rd area is brilliant for food, D1's house share last year was one of the roads which runs between Cowley and Iffley Rd, near the university sports grounds and pool and she's got lots of favourite places nearby.

Just had a message from DS to say SFE registration is complete, so obviously only a very minor delay to loans.

Hope your DS is having a better day today @petitebleu and that he finds some kindred spirits when lectures start tomorrow.

Sorry to hear about your DS, @petitebleu . He won't be the only one having a difficult start and as others have said, the best thing would be for him to get involved with some societies or activities that force him out and about and give him a structured way to meet other students. @goodbyestranger is right to suggest he faces the dining hall as soon as possible, even if he doesn't speak to anyone there for a while, as it'll stop this feeling like a big taboo area for him.

The other thing is for him to try to turn his attention away from his own anxiety and self-consciousness and deliberately focus on others/ consider what fears they too may be hiding - no matter how extrovert and confident they might seem on the surface. This might help him start to pick up subtle signs of nervousness in those he thought were totally confident. He'll also not just be lost inside his own worst thoughts and fears.

Sometimes, doing 'random acts of kindness' to others, even just opening a door or asking if he can pass the salt at dinner, can help too. It's likely to elicit friendly reciprocation and it also helps to feel valued.

Of course he probably feels really stuck in his own anxieties right now but if he can see this as just step one and that he doesn't have to define himself by how he feels at the start of his time at uni., then he'll feel less pressure to make good use of his time there.

I think it took me to my third year to feel like I could begin to enjoy life at Oxford (over 40 years ago now though!) and I'm only just beginning to get over Imposter Syndrome!

Thank you all so much for your helpful and encouraging comments. He definitely has imposter syndrome - also from a Northern Comp and convinced everyone else is way beyond him in every way, which is absolutely not the case!

He sounds a bit more upbeat today. Still hasn't eaten with others but said he had intended to today and ran out of time. He has his matriculation dinner tomorrow so he has no choice, which I know will make him stressed but at least he'll be with others.

He has signed up to try rowing on Sunday, so I'm hoping he'll go to that. He competed on rowing machines in inter-school competitions and loved it so with a bit of luck that will be something he can get into.

Lectures start tomorrow so that should help too - at least he'll have some structure.

I really didn't expect it to be this tough. I am usually very resilient but even welcoming my littlies into school in the morning has made me emotional, especially when they want their mummies!

@petitebleu that's better news that your DS has signed up for rowing and it sounds like he'll be an asset too. Good for him!

I'm a northerner in origin too BTW, so I remember what it was like coming south. But my college put all northerners on the same corridor in a kind of forced enclave - which had pros and cons and was a bit contrived.

His Matriculation dinner should help him on the way to eating in college at least some of the time. I can't remember if your DS is at O or C? My DS2 at O finds college meals a very sociable affair but DS1 at C has found that apart from Formal Hall, this isn't the case and even those who get food from the dining hall tend to take it back to their room. He says the food is pretty dire too, so he prefers to cook his own.

@petitebleu , so sorry your DS is struggling. Hopefully he will be seated with likeminded students at his matriculation dinner tomorrow and can start to make some connections. Lining up for the group matriculation photo might be another opportunity for impromptu conversation. He certainly won't be the only fresher in his college feeling like this. The master at DS's college arranges dog walks to Grantchester for freshers which I think is a lovely idea.

Whose dogs go on the Grantchester walk ofteninaspin? (lovely walk with or without dogs tbf). Agree excellent idea.

DD thought her Oxford career would be over if she accidentally lost the college dog during the Covid years. She didn't dare let it off the lead, marched it along the approved route at speed and returned it as quickly as was decent.