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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

How often do you visit / plan to visit your child at uni?

108 replies

Whatsinaname321 · 12/04/2022 08:01

My child is off to uni this year. The uni he plans to go to is a 4 hour drive away. It would be difficult to visit and drive back home in the same day, the train is horrendously expensive and staying over will obviously be expensive.
His terms are long to be 8 weeks long so he will have a lot of opportunity to come home and with a student railcard it will be cheaper for him to come and visit us rather than us go and visit him (because we are more than one person travelling and we don’t have a student railcard).
We will have to really limit the visits to him.
Does anybody else hardly/ never visit their child at uni?

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 12/04/2022 12:40

My dd will be going to a uni just over a hour away so I will see her most weekends (if that’s what she wants), I will either meet up with her near uni or collect her for the weekend. It’s the reason she’s chosen a uni closer to home but I’m secretly hoping she will love uni life and won’t want to come home every weekend.

JunhaLamra · 12/04/2022 14:56

Ds is only 90 minutes away, so we dropped him off at the start of term. He came home on the train 5 weeks later which was half way through his term so he could attend a family party. We drove him back up and helped him with some practical sorting of kitchen cupboards with Ikea products etc, took him out for lunch.

We collect him at the end of every term because it is easy for us and we drop him back. He comes home on the train in the middle of the term as it takes less time than us driving one way. He is currently home for Easter holidays.

He has told us that he wants to tour us round the town so we will probably head up for a couple of days over summer when uni is finished.

You may wish to consider thinking ahead and planning to stay overnight if you are driving your child 4 hours to Oxford and moving them in, these things take time. You could then book into a hotel for that night, explore Oxford the next day before heading home. Most universities have their term dates on their websites.

familyissues12345 · 12/04/2022 15:06

DS is hopefully going to Uni 45 mins away. We're hoping he'll pay us a visit once a term, and we might go and see him once a term. I like the fact he isn't too far away that he can see us frequently if he wants to, but it's up to him. I'm imagining if we come with an offer of a meal out he might see us

We need him to come home once every 4-6 weeks to give his fish a good clean out

Ragwort · 12/04/2022 15:15

We tend to visit once a term but ... it's only a couple of hours away and in a city we love visiting (first time we went he was actually away most of the weekend and we only saw him on the Sunday evening ). Sometimes my DH will go on his own if he is travelling back from a work appointment and it's en route for example. Also we don't have other DC at home to worry about.

When I was at Uni it really wasn't usual to have DPs visiting ... my DM did come up for one weekend but my DF never visited.

Longtimenewsee · 12/04/2022 16:54

Dd doesn’t come home during the term. We visit her once per term and stay for a few nights locally as it’s quite far.
She has academic work to do most weekends so we fit around her. Her course does not have a reading week and it’s a pretty intense timetable.

Sunshine4Ever2 · 13/04/2022 04:41

Driving there at the start and end of each year, otherwise they'll be coming home when they want to.
Seriously? They're 18! Once a week? Or even once a month? Are we trying to raise adults here?

sashh · 13/04/2022 05:14

@Whatsinaname321

You have all made me feel a lot better. We do, of course, plan to drop him off for the start of uni. I only have two relatives who went away to uni and both of them get at least monthly visits from their parents. I was here thinking my child would feel neglected and uncared for and be the only child not getting regular parent visits. I’m more than happy for him to just get the train to see us at the end of term for a few days

If you want to keep your student child happy and not neglected send the occasional care package and include things like nice biscuits, posh hot chocolate, expensive toiletries etc.

They will appreciate it, and it will also make them popular with housemates.

123feraverto · 13/04/2022 05:40

My mum dropped me off the first term, after that I think they came up maybe once or twice. I went home for a bit most holidays. I was a nursing student so not a lot of free time around placement, assignment and working

FixTheBone · 13/04/2022 05:46

This is a little weird? Parents visiting wasn't really a thing when I was at uni although it was 20 years ago.

My parents didn't visit once while I was at uni during a 5 year course. I'm struggling to think of occasions that I can remember any of my uni mates parents visiting unless it was for a very specific reason, such as dropping a large item of furniture off or maybe a 21st birthday.

Original poster

Whatsinaname321 · 13/04/2022 06:18

If you want to keep your student child happy and not neglected send the occasional care package and include things like nice biscuits, posh hot chocolate, expensive toiletries etc.

I will send him stuff but the reality of him being a student at Oxford from a poor household means that he will probably end up with more spare cash than me to buy his posh biscuits

OP posts:

JessicaBrassica · 13/04/2022 06:26

My mum came up with me on the train at the start of first year, and then my parents came up and stayed locally towards the end of my first year, then again in my 3rd year. The following year they rented a cottage for a week for graduation and I stayed with them.

I travelled by train (8hrs) or coach (12hrs) at the start and end of term carrying everything I needed in my rucksack. Over the summer holidays I could store my belongings in my friend's garage.
I went home (just overnight) for my school prize giving in my first term (event was Friday pm, but I had a field trip the next day so took the overnight train back after tea) and I came down for a conference relevant for my dissertation in my 4th year.
I completely separated my uni and home life. It worked for me. I chose a uni so far away so my parents couldn't just drop in on me.

sashh · 13/04/2022 07:08

@Whatsinaname321

If you want to keep your student child happy and not neglected send the occasional care package and include things like nice biscuits, posh hot chocolate, expensive toiletries etc.

I will send him stuff but the reality of him being a student at Oxford from a poor household means that he will probably end up with more spare cash than me to buy his posh biscuits

Send him stuff from Lidl then, half the students won't know what they are.

I worked in Oxford for a few years in the NHS, some of the junior Drs had no idea what real life was like. A patient turned up with 4 children in tow because it was the school holidays, a Dr genuinely asked why she hadn't left them with the nanny.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 13/04/2022 07:12

i went down one weekend last year - she invited me - it was great

elidelochanthefirst · 13/04/2022 07:14

My parents came once a year, my brother is at uni now and they do the same. Usually was me going home as then I got to see everyone.

TolkiensFallow · 13/04/2022 07:16

I think my mum visited me once in 3 years. But would pick up and drop off aswell.

knittingaddict · 13/04/2022 07:18

We never visited just for the sack of it. We went for the exhibition (arts degree) and to help her move accommodation and when she left, but that was it. She came back home in the holidays because she had a job here, so there was really no need to visit much. For context our daughter was a bit older than most students by a couple of years and pretty self sufficient.

knittingaddict · 13/04/2022 07:18

Sake of it

JunhaLamra · 13/04/2022 07:31

@Sunshine4Ever2

Driving there at the start and end of each year, otherwise they'll be coming home when they want to. Seriously? They're 18! Once a week? Or even once a month? Are we trying to raise adults here?

You know you can do both, raise an adult, which I did, and love them enough to want to actually spend time with them and they also want to spend time with us.

As adults do you not expect to see your children when they have left uni? Even if they live an hour away?

I lived in halls and we had parents visit, take their child out for lunch and then give the whole flat some goodies and also lots of lovely food for their own child. I don't think it is weird to visit your child at uni especially if they have chosen, like the OP, somewhere beautiful like Oxford.

deplorabelle · 13/04/2022 08:11

@Whatsinaname321 punting is going out in a flat bottomed boat which you push along with a pole. Very tranquil and lots of fun. Most people have a go at some point though most don't get that good at it 🙂.

There is no doubt your boy will experience culture shock at uni (they all do, from whatever background and wherever they go to university). At Oxford there will definitely be people who went to boarding school from age 8 and are used to waving their parents off, and there will almost certainly be others who've never left home for even a night out before. There will be people with pots of money and also people with next to nothing. And people who are rich in family love as well as probably some who have distant and troubled family backgrounds. Same as everywhere but a place like oxford can be a bit more extreme. It is packed to the rafters with very strange people, who mostly lead ordinary adult lives afterwards.

It's lovely to send things but absolutely not necessary. The most important thing for any student is a listening ear, but a bit of a blind eye 🤣🤣

Original poster

Whatsinaname321 · 13/04/2022 08:28

He is very much used to being among people from all types of backgrounds. He has been on a full bursary at a very good indie school since age 11. He tells us often about the kids who come into school and book £3000 holidays together on a whim.
And in all fairness, he is as happy eating 30p aldi biscuits as he is when I buy a posh box of biscuits
He’s going to fit in quite well at Oxford I think.

OP posts:

lljkk · 13/04/2022 08:33

DD started Uni in 2020-21: due to pandemic: not a chance of visit, we mostly weren't allowed !

We don't have any other reasons to visit where the city DD is at Uni, so have not visited this year, either.

My nephew started Uni at same time, 1000s of miles away from his blood kin, & gets 1-3 visits/year from various relatives. It's sweet. He's a golden only and was mega-cossetted thru childhood, though.

NormaSnorks · 13/04/2022 11:37

Be led by your baby child!

DS1 - four hours away - we visited about once in an 11 week term (but had reasons/friends in the area) and not in others, but collected them & stuff at the end of term. DS1 didn't come home mid-term at all.

DS2 - 3.5 hours away. He is a much more family oriented & home-loving child. He came home halfway for Reading Week and has also come back for family birthdays etc. We went down once and stayed a few days when he seemed low. Also went and picked him up when he was ill.

IMHO it's better to plan a trip like a weekend mini-break which involves seeing your DC/ having a meal out etc, rather than the whole weekend being about going to see them (which is a bit much for some of them).

MrsLargeEmbodied · 13/04/2022 17:28

i was meant to see dd in march 2020, but of course covid bought her back
so went august 2021

Abraxan · 13/04/2022 17:34

@FixTheBone

This is a little weird? Parents visiting wasn't really a thing when I was at uni although it was 20 years ago.

My parents occasionally visited me at university, as well as always taking me/collecting me at the start and end of terms. Dh's parents did too. That was in the early 90s. It wasn't that uncommon either. Often saw students with their parents going out for lunch.

We live in a university city which has two large universities. We regularly see students with what appears to be their parents in supermarkets and restaurants during term time.

Abraxan · 13/04/2022 17:37

@Sunshine4Ever2

Driving there at the start and end of each year, otherwise they'll be coming home when they want to. Seriously? They're 18! Once a week? Or even once a month? Are we trying to raise adults here?

Do you not see your own parents every so often? Is it really any different?

My parents live about 3 hours drive away. We try to see them every 4-6 weeks, sometimes more.

Likewise, we try to catch up with 20y DD about the same, sometimes more, sometimes less too. Just for a few hours to go out for lunch, do a supermarket shop with her and throw in some extra treats along the way.

I'm not sure visiting your youngish child once a month or so is preventing them from being independent adults.

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