So worried about DS

[familyissues12345]

Hi

DS is 18 and second year A Levels. He's always been a bright (got mainly 7-9's in GCSE's) but also quite lazy student - up until A Levels he could achieve very well with minimal revision etc.

He's really struggled since he started A Levels and as he's part of the covid year that didn't have actual GCSE exams, he's yet to sit very formal testing.

Over the last year and a half his teachers have been frustrated with him - due to his GCSE's he was initially predicted 3 x A, however quite quickly it was apparent he wasn't going to reach that, so by the end of year 1 he was predicted B, B , C. Not the end of the world by any stretch of the imagination, but he was disappointed.

Since then, nothing has really changed. However he's applied for Uni's and he's had quite a "only the best is good enough for me" attitude - which is great, however he hasn't stepped up the work to now really get to it.

We're now 2 months away from his exams, and I've noticed recently he seems distant. He's a quite closed book kind of character anyway, but I've particularly noticed he's become less interested in the things he loves (his sport). He is still socialising and seems happy when with friends, and is a hard worker at his part time job.

Today we've spoken. I'll be honest and say I got cross with him. He's got mocks this week yet both today and yesterday he wasn't out of bed before lunch, and managed to fit in an hour max revision. I'm a bit annoyed that we've spent money trying to support him (books he's requested , a £50 a session tutor) and it feels like we've done all of this whilst he lays around the house doing very little. We desperately want to support him as he seems so keen to get to Uni, but it's annoying when he isn't trying himself.

Now though, I'm worried. I think there's more to the "laziness". I think he's getting low and everything is getting on top of him. I finally got him to open up a little and he said he isn't coping. I asked if I could do anything, could he ask for help, but his pride is sat firmly in the way and he's refusing. I even offered to email his teachers on his behalf and he was horrified, so I won't.

I just don't know what to do about it. He's firmly got his head in a large hole now, he won't talk about his future unless it involves talking about the excitement of Uni. He's absolutely in denial - he's made his UCAS choices and firmed one that wants better grades than his predicted ones (and over a grade higher than he's currently working at)

I'm worried about exams, I'm worried what's going to happen in the summer if he doesn't pull it out of the bag. He seems so down and overwhelmed.

I won't contact college, unless I become incredibly concerned. I have contact details of his best friend if I'm really worried, but DS is very private and proud he really won't take kindly to me doing that, it would probably push him away.

I'm just so worried about him

I can see why you are worried, but the one thing that stands out to me is that he has a part time job. Wouldn't it be better for him to put that time into revising?
If he wants top grades he needs to put the work in. Can you draw up a revision timetable for him? Would he accept that?

Thanks @Lovebroccoli

I've suggested him today to give up work for the next 3 months, which he wasn't happy about. TBH he does have enough time to do both - he's only at college part time, with the rest of the day meant to be for studying. I've suggested maybe he considers reducing his hours. My bigger concern is sometimes he is on a late shift and he ends up tired, which isn't great when you need to be productive! I've told him if he gives up/reduces then we'll sort him out with money - but he's still reluctant.

After his last parents evening he was refered to a revision specialist TA who had a meeting with him, she drew up a revision plan with him, but he won't do it! I have offered to sit and make one with him, so I'm going to do some nudging in that direction. When he was doing his GCSE mocks we had one running and it worked well.

He's just stuck in an absolute rut, and I'm desperate to help (particularly as I'm worried about his mental health through all this)

I just wish he'd open up to me

I think the reason he's reluctant to give up his job is that he's good at it, so if that goes then his life becomes one focus on his A Levels which he isn't coping with.

My daughter was the same, excelled in GCSE's, got to A-levels, a complete new ball game and it all went tits up.

Became distant and withdrawn, anxious even. School put her forward for testing as they noticed how different she became. She struggled to concentrate, taking it all in, was ok, recalling it to actually put pen to paper went to bits, she could verbally tell you, but lost her concentration writing it.

Week before her 18th birthday was diagnosed with ADHD, they then, after this assessment referred her for an Autism assessment also. So I think it will end up with a cross diagnosis of both as they are both intertwined.

Never in a million years would I have thought that she had ADHD, her younger brother has it quite severe and she was nothing like him, but they girls mask it better.

I would also suggest that he may have been introduced to weed, while at sixth form, it's seems a right of passage, which if nothing else is going on, I would suggest it's this, too stoned to bother.

@familyissues12345

I think the reason he's reluctant to give up his job is that he's good at it, so if that goes then his life becomes one focus on his A Levels which he isn't coping with.

Having been in a slightly similar situation the last thing I would do would be to get him to give up his job, in our case that was something he was good at, enjoyed and the bright spot of his week.

In our case in the end we went to college and spoke to them, once it was out in the open our son was relieved. It was a risk though.

Yes that's exactly my issue @FlorhamPark , I know he loves his job and he's good at it. It's a positive thing for him at the moment - i just offered it as an option in case he thought that would help. I don't blame him for thinking not. TBH he comfortably has enough time to have his job, play sports, have a bit of a social life and do plenty of study. Most days he only has 2-4 hours at college !

And realistically, giving up his job probably won't motivate him to study more

@Loopyloulou007

My daughter was the same, excelled in GCSE's, got to A-levels, a complete new ball game and it all went tits up.

Became distant and withdrawn, anxious even. School put her forward for testing as they noticed how different she became. She struggled to concentrate, taking it all in, was ok, recalling it to actually put pen to paper went to bits, she could verbally tell you, but lost her concentration writing it.

Week before her 18th birthday was diagnosed with ADHD, they then, after this assessment referred her for an Autism assessment also. So I think it will end up with a cross diagnosis of both as they are both intertwined.

Never in a million years would I have thought that she had ADHD, her younger brother has it quite severe and she was nothing like him, but they girls mask it better.

I would also suggest that he may have been introduced to weed, while at sixth form, it's seems a right of passage, which if nothing else is going on, I would suggest it's this, too stoned to bother.

Crikey I hope he isn't smoking weed!! Another thing for me to watch out for though. He has got a new group of friends that have appeared, but they seem really nice.

I honestly think it's the pressure to be great at something he's always been great at, it's taking its toll. He needs to realise it isn't the end of the world, but I can't get that through to him

Does he have any career aspirations other than going to Uni? Maybe giving him some better or exciting alternatives - jobs or study abroad, entry level jobs with a swish firm, careers that involve Uni later as part of plan?

Theres nothing worse than going through the motions just because all your friends are and your parents expect it. You get one life and he’s got some of the best years coming up.

@lightisnotwhite

Does he have any career aspirations other than going to Uni? Maybe giving him some better or exciting alternatives - jobs or study abroad, entry level jobs with a swish firm, careers that involve Uni later as part of plan?

Theres nothing worse than going through the motions just because all your friends are and your parents expect it. You get one life and he’s got some of the best years coming up.

He's got huge ambitions @lightisnotwhite , he knows exactly what he wants to do. If anything I think one of his difficulties is that most of his friends have chosen not to go to Uni, so he's a bit on his own in that regard

Pressed send too early!

We've looked at other options, found some really exciting things. He just won't consider it. It's strange, he's desperate to go to Uni, just hasn't got the oomph to get him there. That's my biggest worry, the impact on him when he gets to August and it potentially goes wrong, I don't know how he's going to cope with it. He seems so down earlier, like he has no idea how to dig himself out of it

This must be very hard for you, but I really do think that his well-being comes before his exams. You are paying for tutors and nudging him in the direction you want him to follow, but still he does not play ball.

I think you should leave him be and let him take responsibility for his own decisions. He knows where you stand, so there is no point in repeating it any more.

I told my children of that age that I trusted them to make the right decisions for them, and if that wasn't to pursue their studies then that was fine, as was working hard at them. You can lead a horse to water - his nose is being dipped in the trough all the time, but he is not drinking. Tell him you love him and that you want the best for him - but if what he sees as best is not to work at A-levels then you respect that decision.

He is, after all, old enough to marry and to vote.

Children are shovelled down a funnel of study, study, study from the age of rising 5 - it is not surprising that some feel they have had enough by the age of 18.

He can study later at college if that is what he chooses - one of my children did that and did brilliantly - has an MA now.

I think you need to cease nagging - because that is what he will see it as - and try and initiate some fun together - not easy with a teenager I know. But the focus needs to move.

Perhaps he has been thwarted in love and it is natural that something like that should be uppermost in his mind.

@Mischance

This must be very hard for you, but I really do think that his well-being comes before his exams. You are paying for tutors and nudging him in the direction you want him to follow, but still he does not play ball.

I think you should leave him be and let him take responsibility for his own decisions. He knows where you stand, so there is no point in repeating it any more.

I told my children of that age that I trusted them to make the right decisions for them, and if that wasn't to pursue their studies then that was fine, as was working hard at them. You can lead a horse to water - his nose is being dipped in the trough all the time, but he is not drinking. Tell him you love him and that you want the best for him - but if what he sees as best is not to work at A-levels then you respect that decision.

He is, after all, old enough to marry and to vote.

Children are shovelled down a funnel of study, study, study from the age of rising 5 - it is not surprising that some feel they have had enough by the age of 18.

He can study later at college if that is what he chooses - one of my children did that and did brilliantly - has an MA now.

I think you need to cease nagging - because that is what he will see it as - and try and initiate some fun together - not easy with a teenager I know. But the focus needs to move.

Perhaps he has been thwarted in love and it is natural that something like that should be uppermost in his mind.

I only nag because he talks about how much he wants it. We got him tutors etc as we could all see he wasn't going to reach his dream. I couldn't care less where he ends up, as long as he's happy. He wasn't forced to have a tutor, I offered it as an option and said for him to have a think about it, he approached me later and said yes.

The problem is his dreams and his attitude don't match, at all. He won't talk about it, I've offered to look with him at other options but he refuses. He's clinging on to the hope that he'll pull the exams out of the bag (which he might), but it's the big chance he won't that I'm worried about. Seeing him so down now makes me wonder how he'll cope if it really doesn't happen

I really feel for you, it's a crappy position to be in. They are technically an adult but still your child in your house and the worry is immense. Sounds like you are doing your best to,keep,lines of communication open and you sound incredibly supportive.

I also agree that talking about other pathways and options is a good thing, letting him know he can pivot and have choices.

Seeing them so down is HARD.

Well there’ll be some Uni that will take him even with rubbish grades.

Would he go just to say he’s going? I take it he wants something like medicine where you need to study.
Maybe see how he feels when he gets offers at clearing.

@lightisnotwhite

Well there’ll be some Uni that will take him even with rubbish grades.

Would he go just to say he’s going? I take it he wants something like medicine where you need to study.
Maybe see how he feels when he gets offers at clearing.

Nope definitely not, he's absolutely adamant he's off to a decent Uni - no other option.

I feel like I'm watching his world fall apart around him, whilst he refuses to talk or acknowledge it. This has been his dream for a very long time, he hasn't coped at all with not doing as well as he hoped, but won't admit it and won't ask for help- big pride issue.

He's hoping to do Economics. We managed to convince him to choose an insurance option that has lower grades, but there's no way he'll consider going there. That might change, but certainly the way he is talking now.

I know he needs to watch it go wrong, it's just so hard to do, and hard to imagine the impact it's going to have on him just seeing how lost he seems currently (when there's still a chance he could change it)

It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to help him, but he needs to help himself. If he doesn’t then he will of course face natural consequences in the summer if he doesn’t get into one of the uni’s he wants to go to. I guess sometimes that’s the only way we really learn, but let’s hope he pull it out of the bag for his exams. Some people do better until pressure so maybe as he gets closer to the A levels he will get his head down a bit more

I think you need to take a step back.
Mocks are often the wake up call that students need to pull their finger out.
You've done everything you can but ultimately it's up to him now. If he's as bright as he thinks he is, he'll work that out.
Lots of students get accepted on courses if they miss grades slightly (don't tell him that). Or there will be other courses.
The run up to A levels is very stressful. But don't make it now or never - presumably you don't say to him the things you've said about him in this thread?

If he's having trouble revising or isn't doing it, how does he think he will cope with working by himself at Uni? Ford he enjoy his subjects?

Maybe Uni just isn't the place for him. There is insane competition this year for places due to people deferring over the last few years, so he'll need really good grades to get to a good Uni.

I'd try to sort this now instead of having increasing stress over the months till the exams, then more stress waiting for results. If he doesn't get the grades he needs, he doesn't have strong enough mocks to back them up (so far) so he will have to go through clearing.

Talk to him again. Is he sure this is what he wants to do?

He should also give up his job for more. My dd and all her friends have given up their PT jobs for revision.

Good luck. It's such a stressful time.

Also, his MH is more important than grades. There's always next year.

If he has always found work easy, then it's likely that his resilience is lacking and when faced with A levels actually being hard, he has no idea what to do and not enough resilience to cope. I've seen this in other teens.

Sounds like you're doing all you can, and college is being helpful. 💐

Former admissions tutor here. At a guess, my university is at the level your DS is aiming for. Not Oxbridge, LSE or Warwick - which involve a lot of luck as well as stellar grades and supracurriculars - but the next level. (I am not an economist).

I know how hard it is to watch this, and unfortunately I agree you must consider the possibility of weed or other drugs. But it is also plausible to me that this is just the behaviour we see amongst some students at all stages when faced by a scary challenge.

Honestly, I think all you can do is continue to show your support. Overdoing it will be interpreted as nagging. Prioritise his health. If it doesn’t work this year, support him in keeping his job and trying again. Many, many pupils have fallen into the same trap and succeeded on the second go. In my observation they tend to know they will need to work at uni, which is a fine thing.

I agree that his mental health is more important than A levels ..... there's very little you can do when they are this age. Very frustrating, I've been there with one of my DDs, but they find their way in the end, even if it doesn't involve university.

Def don't give up the job, I think they need an outlet at this stage of 6th form. I encouraged mine to keep up the sport and the job. Like you say he prob wouldn't study during that extra time anyway.

Thanks all

It's totally him behind all of this, he's pushed himself to take on the higher grade Uni etc, we've always been of the opinion that it's his life, for him to lead, and we'll support him all of the way. I just hate the feeling that he's a ticking bomb. I'm watching unable to do much, whilst he loses interest in all the other things he enjoys yet still refuses to consider other options. I just can't work him out, he's either in denial or very confident.

I can't remember who said that they hope I don't speak to him like I am on here, I certainly do not . I'm absolutely behind him all the way, always have been. I'll be honest I did get annoyed with him a few weeks ago when he never seemed to do anything yet we're paying out for a tutor etc - he's 18, it was his choice to have the tutor, I don't think it's unreasonable for him to know I'm not impressed if we're throwing money away. Harsh maybe, but we don't have money like that, it's absolutely worth it if it gets him where he wants to be, but pretty wasteful if he then doesn't make use of it (for example his tutor recommends he does further work to consolidate what they've covered - he's never bothered)

I have absolute sympathy that DS is in this position, but he's not helping himself in the slightest, refusing to talk to us, refusing to ask for help at college, refusing to consider other options . I just don't know what to think. I know he's going to just have to deal with the consequences, but I don't know how well he's going to deal with them. That's hard.