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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

So worried about DS

53 replies

familyissues12345 · 03/04/2022 18:32

DS is 18 and second year A Levels. He's always been a bright (got mainly 7-9's in GCSE's) but also quite lazy student - up until A Levels he could achieve very well with minimal revision etc.

He's really struggled since he started A Levels and as he's part of the covid year that didn't have actual GCSE exams, he's yet to sit very formal testing.

Over the last year and a half his teachers have been frustrated with him - due to his GCSE's he was initially predicted 3 x A, however quite quickly it was apparent he wasn't going to reach that, so by the end of year 1 he was predicted B, B , C. Not the end of the world by any stretch of the imagination, but he was disappointed.

Since then, nothing has really changed. However he's applied for Uni's and he's had quite a "only the best is good enough for me" attitude - which is great, however he hasn't stepped up the work to now really get to it.

We're now 2 months away from his exams, and I've noticed recently he seems distant. He's a quite closed book kind of character anyway, but I've particularly noticed he's become less interested in the things he loves (his sport). He is still socialising and seems happy when with friends, and is a hard worker at his part time job.

Today we've spoken. I'll be honest and say I got cross with him. He's got mocks this week yet both today and yesterday he wasn't out of bed before lunch, and managed to fit in an hour max revision. I'm a bit annoyed that we've spent money trying to support him (books he's requested , a £50 a session tutor) and it feels like we've done all of this whilst he lays around the house doing very little. We desperately want to support him as he seems so keen to get to Uni, but it's annoying when he isn't trying himself.

Now though, I'm worried. I think there's more to the "laziness". I think he's getting low and everything is getting on top of him. I finally got him to open up a little and he said he isn't coping. I asked if I could do anything, could he ask for help, but his pride is sat firmly in the way and he's refusing. I even offered to email his teachers on his behalf and he was horrified, so I won't.

I just don't know what to do about it. He's firmly got his head in a large hole now, he won't talk about his future unless it involves talking about the excitement of Uni. He's absolutely in denial - he's made his UCAS choices and firmed one that wants better grades than his predicted ones (and over a grade higher than he's currently working at)

I'm worried about exams, I'm worried what's going to happen in the summer if he doesn't pull it out of the bag. He seems so down and overwhelmed.

I won't contact college, unless I become incredibly concerned. I have contact details of his best friend if I'm really worried, but DS is very private and proud he really won't take kindly to me doing that, it would probably push him away.

I'm just so worried about him

OP posts:

Original poster

familyissues12345 · 04/04/2022 15:05

I'm pretty sure drugs aren't involved (although I will keep an eye out), his attitude to learning hasn't really changed, he's always been a no more than what I have to do kind of character, just always lucky that he still came out with good grades etc. I think now that's caught up with him, he suddenly is at a level which involves a lot more hard work and self motivation - he's at 6th form college, just 15 hours a week - and he just hasn't stepped up. Or he has, but because at GCSE he didn't do GCSE level revision etc, he is probably at about that point now if that makes sense. Which just isn't enough for his A Levels (which includes Maths - tough subject!)
So over the last couple of years he's seen a decline in his grades, he's lost his confidence and because of his previous grades (and the fact he is/was the clever one of his mates) he can't admit he's struggling .

I think this is all now building up on him, and this is now showing in him getting less interested in other things that usually he loves

I think rather than think ok let's get on with this, let's work for it etc, he's decided that ignoring it might make it go away..

OP posts:

MarchingFrogs · 04/04/2022 15:14

Woukd he at least look at the marking schemes and examiners' reports for some past papers in his A level subjects, to see for himself what gets the higher grades and how those who sat those papers went wrong. No need to involve his teachers, if that would feel like losing face.

Also, he has got an offer from the university which wants the high grades, so unless it's for a course which wants people to think it's wildly more prestigious and oversubscribed than it is, by setting a high entry requirement, something about his application must have made them think he was worthy of an offer, rather than an outright rejection.

Porcupineintherough · 04/04/2022 15:29

Honestly you need to take three steps back and be warmly supportive but not pushy and stop trying to rescue him from the consequence of his (in)action. He hasn't and isnt putting the work in so let him get the grades he gets then decide what to do next.

Original poster

familyissues12345 · 04/04/2022 15:53

@MarchingFrogs

I've suggested stuff like that, he's just not interested unfortunately. I don't want to do it for myself as I've been trying not to push him, always felt he's an adult and needs to sort himself out but he knows where I am if he needs me. That's always been the way I'd rather go.

He got a really lovely report from his economics teacher. He's good at it, really enjoys it, but how he is in class doesn't then present in exams. His teacher thinks it's revision led, as he gets the paper and suddenly he's overwhelmed as he hasn't recapped enough. His teacher feels he's more than capable, he just needs to sort out his time management. He just always has something else he'd rather be doing!

He sometimes comes out with odd comments like he doesn't know where to start etc, which I don't really blame him, but then when I try and suggest something he either refuses to consider it, or starts but then gives up very quickly

OP posts:

Original poster

familyissues12345 · 04/04/2022 15:59

@Porcupineintherough

I'm not pushy in the slightest, if I'm coming across like that then I'm not doing a very good job of explaining

! I'm about as unpushy as you can get, very much stand back and want him to stand on his own two feet. He chose all his own unis, a level options etc, it's his life, he's got to lead it. I actually sometimes wonder if my laidbackness is what has caused him to be the way he is, as I've never really pushed him to go above and beyond. I just tend to think that pushing him would push him away. He's got to want stuff for himself. He knows I'm really proud of him, and where I am if he needs me, he's just very proud, very independent and very stubborn .

I've never worried about it before, I just worry now that it's catching him up and he isn't dealing with the consequences of his actions very well

OP posts:

mumonthehill · 04/04/2022 16:06

You cannot make him revise. We had very similar, ds had amazing gcse results then seemed to think this meant he would cruise through a level’s. It did not and he did not get the results he could have done if he had tried. He thought that it would come easy but no amount of cramming could make up for his lack of effort. I was frustrated, angry, disappointed but I had to let go and let him make his own mistakes. He did go to uni and the theme continues doing enough to pass but not as well as he could if he put the effort in. He has struggled with his mental health but that can muddy the waters a bit in understanding if it is because he is low that he is as he is or because he enjoys social life outside uni and then does not do the work he needs to do. Step back, check in, encourage and listen and then brace for results day with a back up plan in mind. He may have to face the reality of not revising and all you can do then is be there.

poetryandwine · 04/04/2022 16:12

OP,

You don’t sound pushy to me. You do sound worried, and of course you want your DS to succeed. My point is that he truly has more than one chance to do that.

What if not making the grades for his first choice this year gives him the chance to grow up? That would be better than squeaking in and squeaking by with a 2.2 degree. (The big employers and PG programmes require a 2.1)

Gowithme · 04/04/2022 16:20

it sounds like he doesn't know where to start so revising feel completely over whelming. Has he got a book for each subject that covers the syllabus ie the CPG books? If so why don't you suggest each day he reads through one chapter of each subject and answer the questions (on a piece of paper so he can use them again) - or works through the book for a set time ie 45 minutes. And agree a set time when you will prompt him. He might just need that very simple revision set up and a bit of reminding - I'd even give him a ten minute warning beforehand to finish off what he's doing before he starts revising if that is possible.

I wouldn't be surprised if your son struggles with executive function (common with ASD and ADHD) and needs something simple where he knows exactly the start and end and a bit of support with it. This works very well for my ds with ASD.

Original poster

familyissues12345 · 04/04/2022 16:38

@poetryandwine

OP,

You don’t sound pushy to me. You do sound worried, and of course you want your DS to succeed. My point is that he truly has more than one chance to do that.

Oh I absolutely agree! I personally think he would benefit from looking again next year, but he isn't on that same page. It's Uni this year, no compromise. Which sounds great, but he needs to pull his socks up. He's just not willing to even consider any other option.

He's going to have to possibly see it for himself, it's just tough to see from the outside (and frustrating)

OP posts:

Original poster

familyissues12345 · 04/04/2022 16:44

@Gowithme

Interesting - his younger brother has executive functioning disorder.

DS has got all the books, all unused. We buy them, he talks the talk about doing them, then gets bored after a couple of days and then that's that. We've spoken this afternoon and said we'll put together a revision plan over the holidays. It might be a bit late, but still worth a try.

I think he's got to stop letting his pride get in his way. There's nothing to be ashamed of, he's chosen particularly tricky A Levels, a lot of people struggle. There's so much help out there, he's just got to ask. He's at a fantastic college, loads of extra things laid on, he just currently either can't be bothered to attend them, or can't bring himself to admit he needs them.

OP posts:

merryhouse · 04/04/2022 16:55

I spent years thinking I "didn't know how to work" (which is total bollocks) when it turns out that what I didn't know was how to learn.

I'd never really grasped how to get from "not knowing how to do the work" to "knowing how to do the work". I remember several sessions of panicky tears because I just couldn't see what to do.

I'd started to get some idea by half-way through sixth form, but of course by then I was a year behind in everything!

If he always found his schoolwork easy, he may simply not have the skills to work out what to do now it's less spoon-fed.

Revengeofthepangolins · 05/04/2022 17:55

You don’t sound pushy Just appropriately concerned.

I think he has definitely got into a hole and doesn’t know where to start, finds that scary and so would rather do his job, go to gym, socialise and not think about it. All very common and indeed understandable.

I think the cgp plan (definitely available for maths and econ at least) is excellent. He needs to believe in eating elephants (“How do you eat an elephant? A very little bit at the time. Start nibbling the edge of an ear…”).

And I disagree with many posters above. I think spending time on a job and lots of socialising is madness at this point. If he is only left with bits and bobs of time he is never going make progress - the revision is always going to be the last thing, the thing that is done when everything else has happened. It needs to be front and central, with some sport for health and a little socialising for reward.

EwwSprouts · 05/04/2022 22:28

I wonder following your comment about not using revision books if it's a reflection of his learning style? DS never makes notes. He uses this free site. Loads of questions.
senecalearning.com/en-GB/seneca-certified-resources/maths-a-level-aqa/

The p/t job I would let him keep as it's a confidence boost and requires social interaction as you say he has enough time.

ragged · 05/04/2022 22:37

I also have a yr13 old who doesn't revise.
My sanity is too fragile to let me do lots of nagging, I gently encourage or enquire, & we shall see what happens.

TonyBlairsLover · 05/04/2022 23:14

Is he drinking ? When I used to drink I never gave a shit etc. At the end of the day it’s his life. I’m in the same year as DS and tbh education isn’t for everyone

TonyBlairsLover · 05/04/2022 23:21

Could he just not be interested in going and can’t come to terms with it. For example, I used to want to go to uni to do languages (even went and visited UOB) but last summer I was honest with myself and it wasn’t what I deep down wanted. He seems confident etc could he just be nervous to admit it at this stage That it’s not for him? Anyways you seem like a good mum OP

Original poster

familyissues12345 · 06/04/2022 07:13

@TonyBlairsLover

Is he drinking ? When I used to drink I never gave a shit etc. At the end of the day it’s his life. I’m in the same year as DS and tbh education isn’t for everyone

No not particularly, he's never really been the drinker of his group and since learning to drive he's tended to be keen to drive to parties etc (he loves driving and most friends houses are several miles away) so he's actually drinking even less now.

Maybe has one drinking session every 2/3 weeks?

OP posts:

Original poster

familyissues12345 · 06/04/2022 07:17

@TonyBlairsLover

I have wondered this, nearly all of his friends are either taking a gap year or not going full stop. We've done gentle talking about other options, going to Uni not being the be all and end all etc but he's still absolutely adamant it's for him. We even reminded him that it doesn't mean he wouldn't get his independence, as he can still look to move out from us oldies!

It's such a difficult thing to raise, I don't want him to think we're saying he isn't capable of going to Uni, just that there are many other options out there.

Thanks for the comment about being a good mum, it feels impossible to get it right sometimes

OP posts:

Scarybutnecassary · 06/04/2022 07:24

@Mischance

This must be very hard for you, but I really do think that his well-being comes before his exams. You are paying for tutors and nudging him in the direction you want him to follow, but still he does not play ball.

I think you should leave him be and let him take responsibility for his own decisions. He knows where you stand, so there is no point in repeating it any more.

I told my children of that age that I trusted them to make the right decisions for them, and if that wasn't to pursue their studies then that was fine, as was working hard at them. You can lead a horse to water - his nose is being dipped in the trough all the time, but he is not drinking. Tell him you love him and that you want the best for him - but if what he sees as best is not to work at A-levels then you respect that decision.

He is, after all, old enough to marry and to vote.

Children are shovelled down a funnel of study, study, study from the age of rising 5 - it is not surprising that some feel they have had enough by the age of 18.

He can study later at college if that is what he chooses - one of my children did that and did brilliantly - has an MA now.

I think you need to cease nagging - because that is what he will see it as - and try and initiate some fun together - not easy with a teenager I know. But the focus needs to move.

Perhaps he has been thwarted in love and it is natural that something like that should be uppermost in his mind.

This is really good advice!

cptartapp · 06/04/2022 07:33

I feel so sorry for these year groups. My DS are year 12 and first year uni and the disruption to their education has been so hard.
The year 12 cohort are having it particularly tough I feel. My nephew is struggling. He says his teachers now feel lots were awarded over inflated GCSE grades in 2020, been given unrealistic ideas about their true abilities and have struggled at A level. Could this be an issue?
Economics is very competitive at the best of times.

cptartapp · 06/04/2022 07:35

Year 13 cohort having it tough that should say. Just about to sit exams.

Original poster

familyissues12345 · 06/04/2022 07:43

@cptartapp

I feel so sorry for these year groups. My DS are year 12 and first year uni and the disruption to their education has been so hard. The year 12 cohort are having it particularly tough I feel. My nephew is struggling. He says his teachers now feel lots were awarded over inflated GCSE grades in 2020, been given unrealistic ideas about their true abilities and have struggled at A level. Could this be an issue? Economics is very competitive at the best of times.

No not particularly, his results very much were in line with his mocks from the month before Covid hit and the predicted grades that he'd been given. There was one surprise grade (higher than we thought) but that isn't a subject he's doing now.

His school were really strict on how they managed the results, in fact there were quite a few disgruntled parents/children who felt they played down their ability and they would have done better. We felt DS got the results he would have got if he'd taken them

OP posts:

Genegenieee · 06/04/2022 08:07

Hi OP

I wanted to share an app my DC have found helpful, as it plans the revision timetable - get your DS to input his A levels and examining board, various other parameters etc and it creates a plan

apps.apple.com/gb/app/adapt-revision-timetable/id1478246042

Original poster

familyissues12345 · 06/04/2022 08:14

[quote Genegenieee]Hi OP

I wanted to share an app my DC have found helpful, as it plans the revision timetable - get your DS to input his A levels and examining board, various other parameters etc and it creates a plan

apps.apple.com/gb/app/adapt-revision-timetable/id1478246042[/quote]
Thank you so much!!

OP posts:

TonyBlairsLover · 06/04/2022 08:55

@familyissues12345
Good morning,
Try not to stress yourself out OP. Has he considered working at a bank? I know that’s technically not economics but my friends parents managed to get high up in the Lloyds pecking order and they didn’t even have GCSES!

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