Stressing over unsociable dd going to uni

[Lovemusic33]

Dd has Aspergers and a few other conditions, she’s not very sociable unless with her type of people (she has a group of friends on her wave length), she doesn’t drink, doesn’t go out at night and spends a lot of time on her own glued to a screen. She’s not your typical 18 year old, not into fashion or anything girly and not into things most teens are into. She’s very sensitive, kind and I think she’s amazing but she’s been bullied a lot and I worry she will struggle to fit in.

We have been to a couple holder days. She has 5 uni offers including a top uni, she’s excited but I’m worried sick. When I look online at reviews of halls/accommodation a lot of them mention noise, parties and socialising. I’m not sure if she will have a choice of quiet halls at any of her choices. I’m guessing they don’t try and put similar students together in accommodation? Do all students go out on the piss and have parties in halls? Am I over thinking this?

Has anyone else got a dc on the spectrum at uni and how to they cope with the social side of things?

You are overthinking A bit.

Not all students go out and party all the time, I never did. And universities have to be able to provide disability friendly accommodation-as a reasonable adjustment.

You just need to alert the University early then that is what she needs.

There is a very wide range of people Who go to university, some want to socialise and some don’t. She’ll have a few false starts, But she will find her tribe in the end.

It's not your problem to solve. She will have to just go and suss it out. She's an adult, she needs to navigate the world and make friends on her own.

not into fashion or anything girly and not into things most teens are into I think you'd be suprised that 'most teens' aren't into this, or consider it to be important to share this trait with friends.

What are her hobbies or passions? Can she join a related club at the student guild/associations?

@thisplaceisweird

It's not your problem to solve. She will have to just go and suss it out. She's an adult, she needs to navigate the world and make friends on her own.

not into fashion or anything girly and not into things most teens are into I think you'd be suprised that 'most teens' aren't into this, or consider it to be important to share this trait with friends.

What are her hobbies or passions? Can she join a related club at the student guild/associations?

This.

I think that parents of teenagers they consider atypical for whatever reason end up, perhaps understandably, having a much more homogeneous view of what 'most teenagers' are like that really doesn't stand up to scrutiny.

My godson, who is autistic and has a physical disability), started university this year, and was too late to get student accommodation, so lodged in a private house his parents thought would suit him because of his need for quiet and privacy. Turned out that he found it dull and isolating, put his name on a waiting list, and is now sharing the scuzziest of student flats and actively enjoying it (despite not drinking, liking solitude, and being horrified at the mess).

I think a lot of people who didn't gel socially during their schooldays find their tribe at university where there are a lot of niche societies and clubs for all possible interests.

Try not to worry, OP. She's turning into an adult and will figure it out.

Dd is at university now, she doesn't socialise much but does belong to various music groups and dungeons and dragons society. She doesn't have much to do with her flat mates but they are very understanding and offer her wine (she does drink) and invite her to kitchen parties even though she always says no.

Halls staff are good and check on her weekly, they have authority to call me without DD's permission at the time if there's concerns (dd gave them this at enrolment).

If she is applying for DSA or speaks to the Student Support services they may be able to advise her on accommodation or even get her priority for quieter halls. Remember not everyone at uni is extrovert or partying and it can be an opportunity to reinvent themselves. If you know which uni she is considering other mnetters can probably advise.

Next year dd is sharing with friends from her course who are all quirky, another autistic girl, one with adhd and two with physical disabilities.... they found each other and call themselves the oddballs

She is more likely to find her people at uni than ever before. Most unis have quiet accom now and there are so many societies to try she can find her tribe and ignore the rest.

If she has a group of likeminded friends now, there's no reason she won't find them at Uni where there is a massive mix of personalities.

If she really doesn't like the thought of noise and parties, some universities offer 'quiet' halls. Might be worth exploring that as an option.

Your dd may well find her tribe at uni. Check out the societies- as others say, board games/ dungeons and dragons etc are v popular amongst some student groups. Quiet halls is probably a good shout.

The great thing about uni is all the societies where she has a good chance of finding people on her wavelength. But she needs to push herself initially to join them if she wants a good chance of making friends. Dd is at uni and doesn’t go out or drink. She’s happiest playing board games.

She'll be fine. Unis have thousands of people at them. She's highly likely to meet people she gets along with very quickly and if she's applying for good courses at top universities there'll probably be a higher proportion of her 'type' than there is at school.

University is where I finally found my people.

I was really lucky in that my school had housing targeted at the top incoming students, who naturally skew towards non-partiers and include a large population of people on the spectrum. Even if they hadn’t, I would have been ok. University attracts lots of people like your daughter.

Thank you, I do think I’m panicking and over thinking, she’s my first born. She’s gone through school with hardly any friends until the last year, she now has a lovely group of friends but will have to start over at uni, I’m hoping now she has friends she will feel more confident finding people at uni. The course she has chosen does attract people that are a little quirky, when we attended holders day at one uni there were a mixture of people interested in her course.

She does have interests and hobbies, there will be groups at uni she can attend and can start her own group if she’s brave enough. She loves animals, politics, anything LGBT, gaming, debating and environmental stuff. She’s not into sports, dance etc… due to having mobility issues.

She will be applying for DSA once she secures her first choice uni (we need to view 2 more first), some of her uni offers are for 2023 as originally she was going to take a gap year but her favourite uni so far is for this year, it’s making things a bit tricky regarding applying for accommodation and DSA as we are unsure if she’s going this year or next.

@gogohm

Next year dd is sharing with friends from her course who are all quirky, another autistic girl, one with adhd and two with physical disabilities.... they found each other and call themselves the oddballs

That sounds amazing, I hope my dd does the same, I really want her to find her people and some confidence.

She loves animals, politics, anything LGBT, gaming, debating and environmental stuff

There will be tons and tons of society groups she can join that involve things from that list. Encourage her to look them up in advance if that would help - they probably all have facebook groups or twitter profiles, or at least a mention on the uni website.

Universities are absolutely packed full of young people who were oddball loners in school who are now having a great time because they finally get to meet up with all the other people like them.

Honestly you say she doesn't like stuff most teens like... In my opinion (albeit it based on minial experience), this: She loves animals, politics, anything LGBT, gaming, debating and environmental stuff is exactly the kind of stuff most young adults are in to!

It is worth asking at the offer holder days what support she may access and how. If she decides on 2023 there may be reports she can get in place in advance so she faces fewer delays on arrival.

Seriously, I was a complete outcast before uni. If you are a quirky academic type, it is a magical place that lets you find you people. I know there is this reputation for drinking and partying, but that is only one version of the experience. It gets the most attention because like most of our world, the loud extroverts always get the most attention. Your daughter will find her people who roll their eyes at the people who waste their time drinking and partying.

Definitely overthinking. She's going into the real world. She will meet her people. She will be fine

Great question,OP. I have been personal tutor to a number of ASD students and quirky students in STEM at a very good Russell Group university. On the whole they are delightful and I agree with PPs but I do have a comment.

It is well documented that ASD students can find uni overwhelming, particularly at the beginning. While I also believe that your DD can both find her tribe and thrive, personally and academically, I would want her to be prepared for a bigger adjustment than she is probably imagining.

Can she identify some social leads - hobbies, societies, volunteering activities, etc - that might appeal ahead of time? Making a plan to attend introductory activities at a few of them would be a good idea. When she gets the timetable for Induction Week, she should pick a couple of optional social things offered for Freshers by her School or College if possible, and commit. Finding her tribe will require her to be proactive.

On the academic side, she might want to read up ahead on the difference between school and uni. Many ASD students are a bit fearful of 121meetings with their PTs. Usually there are set meetings at least once per term so you might want to gently enquire whether she is keeping them, and encourage her to see the PT and the Student Support Officer as resources rather than barriers.

The general need to take more initiative at uni, the possible need for group work, the higher workload with fewer contact hours - all of these can be challenges for students with ASD traits. They can def thrive but they often need some support. I would encourage you to keep communications open and encourage your DD to seek any support sooner rather than later. She sounds wonderful and she will be surrounded by people only too happy to help. But she will need to make the first move

DS is an autistic introvert who doesn't like alcohol, loud music or crowds. He is in his second year at university and is quite happy. He has found some like-minded people to hang around with when he wants company.

My autistic DD is in her first year at Oxford and loves it. She's not into drinking or wild parties, but she has found friends based on some of the interests you mention. What helped her, I think, was chatting online to other prospective applicants from the same university, so that she felt she 'knew' some people beforehand. I don't know what groups these were, as she very much prefers to keep discrete strands of her life separate.
As to the issues relating to academic life raised by @poetryandwine, I had some concerns in that department, but in DD's case it's second nature to talk about her subject. I find she sometimes needs guidance around life admin, which might be a factor to look out for.

Thank you poetryandwine some great advice there, I will encourage her to look into societies and social groups. She has been offered a place at a Russell group uni (grades dependant) but we haven’t even looked around and I think we have missed out on holders day, we will enquire about going to have a look around. She does love one of the other uni’s we have looked at and is almost guaranteed a place if she secures them as first choice, this is a much smaller uni with Halls on campus and apparently good support in place for those on the spectrum, she’s unsure what to secure as her first choice as she may not get the grades for the Russell group uni and then it will be a rush to get everything in place and onto the course she wants at the other uni. Securing accommodation and support is important.

If your DD loves the second uni you write about, does the RG one have any advantages? You can look up graduate employment role statistics in the for her degree in the Guardian League tables. If she is already thinking of doing a STEM PhD there is a difference between preparing at an RG university and (to stick with unis that I know have much to recommend them in certain fields) Huddersfield/Salford/Edge Hill/B'ham City.

But in general I think the advantage being at an RG uni for its own sake makes to a student's life is over-rated. There have been recent threads here to the same effect. A place where you can thrive and perform at your best is the most important thing. For your DD, the level of support offered sounds a big part of that and this second uni seems to have it. Does the RG one? Your DD can post a question on TheStudentRoom for more info.