Stressing over unsociable dd going to uni

[Lovemusic33]

Dd has Aspergers and a few other conditions, she’s not very sociable unless with her type of people (she has a group of friends on her wave length), she doesn’t drink, doesn’t go out at night and spends a lot of time on her own glued to a screen. She’s not your typical 18 year old, not into fashion or anything girly and not into things most teens are into. She’s very sensitive, kind and I think she’s amazing but she’s been bullied a lot and I worry she will struggle to fit in.

We have been to a couple holder days. She has 5 uni offers including a top uni, she’s excited but I’m worried sick. When I look online at reviews of halls/accommodation a lot of them mention noise, parties and socialising. I’m not sure if she will have a choice of quiet halls at any of her choices. I’m guessing they don’t try and put similar students together in accommodation? Do all students go out on the piss and have parties in halls? Am I over thinking this?

Has anyone else got a dc on the spectrum at uni and how to they cope with the social side of things?

PS Also it is worth checking the accommodations policy for the uni that is her Insurance choice. There was a recent discussion to the effect (IIRC) that some unis guaranteed accommodation for their Insurance students but not necessarily all. I don't know much about that side of things.

She isn’t doing a STEM subject so I’m not sure studying at a RG will make much difference. The RG uni is one she has always wanted to go too but since seeing the other option she change her mind a little, but then she assumed she wouldn’t get an offer from a RG uni, in fact she has 2 RG offers but she’s not considering the other (or she hasn’t considered even looking). Her predicted grades are AAB, the Offer is for A*AB, I don’t think they will budge on that offer, the other RG uni has offered AAB, the uni she likes has offered BBC.

The RG uni offers are Exeter and Southampton (Exeter being her first choice originally), Southampton have said they may not be able to meet her disability needs, I’m unsure exactly what they mean by that (possibly accommodation).

It's worth asking the universities she is looking at about how they allocate rooms. My eldest is at St Andrews and their accommodation form does ask some questions about interests etc, mostly aimed at students that are willing to share rooms, although I think they also consider them for others. Certainly DD has ended up in a corridor with reasonably compatible (quiet) people.

Definitely agree with scouting out societies etc in advance. Freshers week can be pretty overwhelming - the fact that DD knew they wanted to seek out the Doctor Who society and the various LGBT+ things helped give some focus (and it was no surprise that they found some like-minded nerds at the Dr Who soc)!!

I do agree that getting used to organising yourself and things being less structured has been quite a big challenge. We spent a lot of DDs first few weeks on Zoom calls helping them make sense of admin stuff and getting organised, because they were getting quite overwhelmed. But they got through it and they are doing well with a nice group of quirky friends.

The party/drinking/drugs/sex exploits of Uni students are highly over-exaggerated. Most aren't wild party animals.

She needs to talk to the student services or accommodation offices at the Uni to get the info of what options they offer and what that actually means. Some offer "quiet" halls, some offer "alcohol free" halls, some offer single sex halls. Unis are all different and only they can tell her the options and how "extreme" they are.

A lot depends on flat mates. Even in a "normal" flat, where you'd expect drinking/party goers etc., some are remarkably quiet and the students just go out to the bar/club once per week (i.e. pretty normal). But sometimes you'll get party animals in such a flat who egg on other flat mates and then start inviting friends to boozy parties in the flat - that's just life and can't be helped, but pretty miserable for students who want a quieter life.

But, also beware of "quiet" flats as, again, depending on the flat mates, some can be very extreme, i.e. strict tee-totallers or strict religious or whatever.

A lot depends on the personalities/individualities of the flat mates. No guarantees either way. My son chose a "normal" flat, so was 4 girls, 4 boys. The girls are averagely social, in that they went out a few times in freshers week and go out maybe once or twice a week, but they've not had any parties in the flat, don't get hammered in the flat, and are pretty generally "normal" as flat mates. The boys are all quiet/shy, not tee-total, but not party-goers either, and keep themselves to themselves, only really around when cooking in the kitchen, so it's like a "quiet" flat but without extremes.

Lots of uni students are quiet, unsociable or reclusive, so unless she is unlucky and finds herself in one of the party flats, she’ll be fine.

@Lovemusic33 If I have understood correctly, it is Exeter that might be in the running for your DD's firm choice, but she has not actually visited yet? I would bear in mind (as you have said that your DD has mobility issues) that Exeter (the city) may be small(ish) and perfectly formed, as they say, but it is really rather hilly - and the Streatham (main) campus of the University is right up the top of it, altitude-wise and though a lovely space is not itself particularly flat once you get up there. (Look on YT for 'Cardiac Hill').

Is this likely to be an issue?

[quote MarchingFrogs]@Lovemusic33 If I have understood correctly, it is Exeter that might be in the running for your DD's firm choice, but she has not actually visited yet? I would bear in mind (as you have said that your DD has mobility issues) that Exeter (the city) may be small(ish) and perfectly formed, as they say, but it is really rather hilly - and the Streatham (main) campus of the University is right up the top of it, altitude-wise and though a lovely space is not itself particularly flat once you get up there. (Look on YT for 'Cardiac Hill').

Is this likely to be an issue?[/quote]
Yes, the issue is the hill on campus leading back up to Halls/accommodation, dd struggle with walking and stairs, she has hypermobility, hypertonia and dyspraxia 😬.

@Lovemusic33

There are plenty of halls on Exeter campus that are more accessible. Make sure she steers clear of Duryard and Birks Grange, as they are at the bottom of 'Cardiac Hill'. Holland Hall and Lafrowda are the most central.

When she applies for halls, make sure the accommodation office are aware of her mobility issues.

There's a great debating society at Exeter (or was when I was there 15-odd years ago) - counter-intuitively, it's a good one for the shyer people, as they can just turn up and listen to the debates until they feel confident enough to contribute.

The Student Guild has a list of current societies. One's your DD may enjoy include Animal Welfare, Games, Feminist, LGBTQ+, Video Games... etc etc! The great thing about uni is that there a ten times more people there than at school, so your DD is ten times more likely to find her tribe.
www.exeterguild.org/societies/

DD doesn't drink or like night clubs. She is nerdy and not interested in fashion or make up. She likes reading, swimming, watching Dr Who, gardening, baking.

And she is having a fantastic time at uni. She has found some equally nerdy friends, joined various societies and is learning new sports.

My DGD1 is quite shy, but has settled into life at York University really well. I think the fact that it's a campus University has really helped, living in Hall really seems to suit her.