Should I go to college out of state?

[sockvillain]

I'm a senior in high school, but I should be a freshman in college. My birthday's in 2003 in the first week of October, and the state where I live has a winter cutoff, which means that I was supposed to start Kindergarten in the fall of 2008. However, because my parents didn't have a lot of confidence in me, they waited until the fall of 2009 to send me. All through school, I've felt embarrassed about being a year behind and being older than many students in the grade above me. The thing is, though, that most states have a September cutoff, which means that in most states, I wouldn't have been allowed to start Kindergarten until the fall of 2009. Thus, by the standards of most states, I'm in the right graduating class. If I went to college in a state with a September cutoff, I'd be exactly in the year I'm supposed to be in, and there wouldn't be anything weird about turning 19 in October of my freshman year or 21 in October of my junior year, since that's the norm for October-born people in that state. I'd still be one of the very oldest, but I'd fall within the standard age range for my year and wouldn't be older than many people in the graduating class above me. I know this seems crazy, but lately, nothing has been more important to me than being normal and fitting in.

@sockvillain What country are you in? This is a UK-based site.

Honestly no one will care once you get to college. In my freshman year there were people who had taken time off, people who had been in the military and were way older, people who were homeschooled and were way younger, people were all sorts of ages and stages and backgrounds. Being a year "behind" will make zero difference, no one will know or care unless you make a big deal of it! Go to the best school for you, work hard, make friends, you'll be grand.

Not sure how it compares in the US but In the U.K. I started university with people aged mostly 18-21 but there were also mature students who were much older. It’s common here for people to mess up their A levels, take a gap year, or even work before going to university. I think you’re obsessing over something that seems like a big deal to you but nobody else will care about.

As for whether you should stay in state or not, that depends on what you want to study and the financial aspects. If the only reason for going out of state is the birth date thing I would say that’s not a good enough reason. If another university in another state will give you the better education and start then consider it.

It's very expensive to go to an out of state college. It wouldn't be worth the expense for the issue of ages.

Is this in America?

That seems like a completely mad rationale for going to an out-of-state university. That kind of obsession with exactly how old people are seems like a rather childish thing to be so concerned with, if I’m honest.

In the UK, where this site is based, people would overwhelmingly approve of your parents’ decision to keep you out of kindergarten a further year — there are strong correlations between being among the oldest in your school cohort and academic and sporting achievement. It would have nothing to do with ‘lacking confidence’ in you, just a recognition that being the very youngest of your cohort can be difficult.

I can’t help feeling there’s a big backstory.

No one will know or care whether you’re a year older than them at any university.

@Farrandau

That seems like a completely mad rationale for going to an out-of-state university. That kind of obsession with exactly how old people are seems like a rather childish thing to be so concerned with, if I’m honest.

In the UK, where this site is based, people would overwhelmingly approve of your parents’ decision to keep you out of kindergarten a further year — there are strong correlations between being among the oldest in your school cohort and academic and sporting achievement. It would have nothing to do with ‘lacking confidence’ in you, just a recognition that being the very youngest of your cohort can be difficult.

I can’t help feeling there’s a big backstory.

No one will know or care whether you’re a year older than them at any university.

"In the UK, where this site is based, people would overwhelmingly approve of your parents’ decision to keep you out of kindergarten a further year — there are strong correlations between being among the oldest in your school cohort and academic and sporting achievement. It would have nothing to do with ‘lacking confidence’ in you, just a recognition that being the very youngest of your cohort can be difficult."

Personally, I've never been into sports. And even as far as academics are concerned, I'm not a competitive person. I've never cared about my performance relative to my classmates. Besides, putting a child in the wrong cohort violates the educational structure. To me, the set-up is much more important than the effects of the set-up. I'd rather have the proper set-up with less desirable effects than an improper set-up with more desirable effects. Holding me back a year to give me advantages I ended up not being interested in was not worth-it.

In the U.K. it’s quite common to take a gap year so you get a mix of ages. I went straight from school to university but there were plenty of people a year above me because of gap years, or even older than that due to eg being from Singapore where they have quite lengthy military service. I wouldn’t worry about it. If anything surely it’s better to be older, assuming you’re in the US, as you can buy beer for everyone…

@PattyPan

In the U.K. it’s quite common to take a gap year so you get a mix of ages. I went straight from school to university but there were plenty of people a year above me because of gap years, or even older than that due to eg being from Singapore where they have quite lengthy military service. I wouldn’t worry about it. If anything surely it’s better to be older, assuming you’re in the US, as you can buy beer for everyone…

"If anything surely it’s better to be older, assuming you’re in the US, as you can buy beer for everyone"

I don't think being in the wrong cohort is worth being able to buy beer for everyone. Is it nice to be able to buy beer for your classmates and roommates? Sure. But it's not worth violating the educational structure for. Not being to buy beer is a sacrifice I would've been willing to make for following the proper educational path.

What do you mean by ‘violating the educational structure’? You seem extremely rigid in your preference for what you term ‘the proper set-up’, by which you seem to be saying you’d have preferred to be among the youngest in your cohort, even if you struggled academically and socially?

Dunno why you’re asking on here… maybe try a US-based forum.

I'm native born American living in the US and I have idea what you're talking about. How would you be "violating the educational structure" to go to an in state school?

College isn't high school. People of all ages go to college. No one is going to care if you're 18, 19 or 30. If you go to an out of state school it's going to cost a lot more, unless it's a private school, in which case it's already exorbitant.

Unless you have a more compelling reason, go in state and save a boatload of cash.

@Farrandau

What do you mean by ‘violating the educational structure’? You seem extremely rigid in your preference for what you term ‘the proper set-up’, by which you seem to be saying you’d have preferred to be among the youngest in your cohort, even if you struggled academically and socially?

In my state, the age-range for kids starting college in the Fall of 2022 is January 1st 2004 to December 31st 2004. Since I was born in October of 2003, I fall outside of that age-range. I'd rather be on the young end, but still in range, then out-of-range old. However, in a state with a cut-off of, say, September 30th, the age-range for kids starting college in the Fall of 2022 is be October 1st 2003 to September 30th 2004, an age-range which I would fall into. By the way, I have autism, so I would've struggled socially no matter what.

My dc just started uni here in the UK. She's 18. When she came home for Christmas she said one of the interesting things for her is that she now has friends who aren't all her age - she has a number of friends who have done an art Foundation or taken a year or two out before going to uni. She finds it a positive rather than negative thing. I wouldn't worry about it at all.
By the way all my nieces and nephews went to an in-state uni in the Southern United States and I know for a fact that they had people of varying ages in their social groups.

I think you're making a big deal out of nothing. University and college are very different from high school. There are lots more people from all kinds of backgrounds. Foreign students, part time students, change of career students, transfer students. Your classes will be made of all sorts and all ages. You could take a freshman 101 class and have a junior sitting next to you. It'll be so different from high school. Go in state and save the money.

Dd was one of the youngest in her school cohort and took a year out before uni. It was the right thing for her and the friends she has made, largely international, are a mixture of her age and slightly older/younger. It really makes no difference socially.

the age-range for kids starting college in the Fall of 2022 is January 1st 2004 to December 31st 2004

This just isn't true. You will find people of all ages starting college in the fall. They won't all be born in the range you state. It doesn't violate the educational structure to start as a freshman this year and be 17, 19, or 20, or even 25 or 30 and I know because I was a freshman once with people of all these ages and more and it was fine. In addition as JustMaggie points out your classes will be a mix of ages and year groups. It's completely different from high school!

I suspect you are trying to identify why you feel like socially you have struggled, and have fastened onto something that you feel makes you different ie. that you are not within an age range that you feel everyone else has in common and that you don't. I think this attribution of your social difficulties is incorrect and, to be blunt, it is far more likely to be the facts that a) you are autistic and b) you are in high school, when everyone (really, EVERYONE) feels like they are struggling to fit in. This is part of the normal process of development of all adolescents. Even if others look to you like they are fittig in, they probably feel very differently on the inside.

If you haven't done a course of CBT and social skills I would suggest you check them out, I think everyone - neurotypical and neurodiverse alike - benefits from this! I didn't do any CBT until I was an adult struggling with workplace dynamics and it was so helpful.

Go to the best college that suits you, that you can afford, and do a course that interests you. Your age honestly has nothing to do with it, especially once you get to college.

Nobody will care, nobody will know. Why would you even tell them if it bothers you

I wouldn't worry about it. Look at the financials and the courses. You'll find people of all ages staring. Most will be from high school but you'll find some who've taken a year out to travel (perhaps not so much now), some who've taken time out to work to get some money for college, some who are changing career, all sorts all ages. We had a sixty year old in our first year, it's part of what makes college interesting. Immerse yourself in the experience, meet new people, try new things, remember to keep the grades up though.

It's not high school, you're entering the 'adult' world even if it is still education, you'll meet all sorts of people, all sorts of ages. Your relationship with your teachers will also be different to school.

I'm not in the US but I get what you mean.

I'm British but did my full undergrad at a US uni so I know the system very well. I can hand on heart say I very rarely knew what year any of my wider friendship group was in and if I did then I didn't know what year they were born. The way it is set up is that you get credits for classes but there isn't a hard and fast rule around when you take these classes, so freshmen can be sitting alongside juniors etc. for many classes. Obviously there's a more rigid structure for some more specialist aspects/subjects, but even then I don't think anyone really knows the age of others or whether they may deferred a year or two. You'll be fine.

Read @Xiaoxiong’s good post, OP. This is exactly what I think is going on. You’re matching onto something very minor as an explanation for why you don’t ‘fit in’, and which will be entirely irrelevant at college — it should not factor into your choice of where you go.

I also agree with @Xiaoxiong. My sister is a teacher in America and my brilliant nibling is the brightest member of our very academic family in that generation. Yet my sister chose to hold DN back a year, and their birthday is slightly before yours. They are a couple of years older than you and thriving.

Have you considered applying (for needs blind admission, if relevant) to private universities also? You may find more students there who have done a gap year and so will be your age, or older.

OP, I'm autistic and I think I can sort of understand the instinctive feeling of it being 'wrong' that you're not in the place the system says you should be.

Would it help, perhaps, to look at the history of education and particularly of age-graded classes, so that you can see it isn't in any way a natural or universal set-up but one that was decided on at a particular point in time? Admittedly educational history is one of my special interests but I found it really interesting to see how opposed some people were initially to putting students in the same class simply because they were the same age. It's definitely not the only way to organise things.

On a more practical level, I started university at 28 and was very worried about being too old and past it. I wasn't the oldest person in any of my classes, and people tended to assume I was somewhat younger than I actually was, especially when I was with a group of traditionally-aged students. I didn't experience anything negative due to being older.

Goodness you are worrying unnecessarily. I was a year younger than my year due to moving to the US when young and just put in the wrong year basically. I then didn't start college right away and was still 17 when I did go. But no one cared one bit. Freshmen were 17-19 years old, or even older. Then I changed subject and universities and had to start as a freshman again, by this time I was 20 as I also took a year out in between courses to decide what I wanted to study. But no one cared, no one asked, it just wasn't an issue.

My dd started university at 22, she's not the oldest on her course at all. You are worrying unnecessarily