Lonely at university

sergeantmajor · 2021-12-02T07:32:52+00:00

Any advice for DS1 who is lonely and struggling with friendships at university? Apart from joining societies?

EnidFrighten · 02/12/2021 07:38

Sorry to hear she's having problems.

I think loneliness is partly a result of having long stretches of time. Does her course give her a daily structure and routine through lectures etc? If not, get her to make herself a timetable so she knows what she's doing.

Pick out things she wants to see in the city or surrounding area and plan to go so it's not all about campus.

Re societies - they really are a good way to meet people but I think some are easier than others. There used to be a walking group at my old uni that would hire a bus to go on hikes and a pub lunch, is there anything like that?

Who is she living with? Can she invite people in to watch a film with her etc?

cricketjoys85 · 02/12/2021 08:05

@sergeantmajor , on the website
wiwikau there is a friendship beacon thread where you can post details to connect lonely students.

TizerorFizz · 02/12/2021 08:44

So I think we need a bit more indignation. Where is he living? In a hall of residence? In his own flat? If in a hall it’s usual for students to be invited to join in with other student activities in the flat? What are other students doing? Is he coming out of his room to look for possible friends? Are there “parties” or drinks evenings organised? It would be odd to find nothing happening! Is there a common room?

What about going for a coffee with students on his course after a lecture? If it’s a city university it’s great to socialise this way. I think it can be hard to ask but someone has to ask first!

Get involved with organising something for his fiat mates. Quiz evening, make some food and share it, anything to meet others in a social setting.

Lastly, if he’s not in halls and is in a bed sit, ask to move into halls. The university will help with vacancies. The key to making friends is that you have to make some effort first if you don’t naturally join in. I know that’s hard but it’s necessary.

Ragwort · 02/12/2021 08:58

Is there a reason your DS doesn't want to join societies?

I know it's tough if you are shy but surely that's how most of us meet like minded friends ... through a shared interest. Does he have any hobbies, interests?

My DS went to Uni two years ago and did all the usual things to make friends .. joined a couple of sports teams, the gym, the CU ... tried a few more other groups - chess, board games etc but once he found a 'circle' he gave some up.

What about volunteering? There are plenty of opportunities for students, the Uni will have some suggestions or get involved in the local town/city .... I was an assistant cub leader before I went to Uni and joined a local group to make friends outside Uni.

TizerorFizz · 02/12/2021 09:02

Sorry. I meant a bit more information!

imnotareindeer · 02/12/2021 09:35

It's tough, but I think to say that other people feel the same and often just pretend to be, ok because they are nervous to approach people and fear rejection. I would say to be friendly, practice general chit chat, invitations and bit of info. And just to remember sometimes people say no because they are nervous or anxious and sometimes because they just don't want to. And that's ok, not everyone can be friends. I'm quite friendly and some people seem to get a bit suspicious, and take a few months of seeing you about to start returning the chit chat.

Get him to practice saying things like "do you want to grab a coffee now? Im heading to Starbucks" ( at the end of class) if they say no they say ok no worries just popping to get one.

"How you getting back ? Im walking through the high street"

Maybe get him to practice some affirmations about his self worth. So he knows that people saying no might just be the warming up thing.

Monolithique · 02/12/2021 10:36

Sorry to hear this.
Would he volunteer? Get a part time job maybe at the uni itself?
The student union probably has an Instagram, which you can follow and it gives an idea of what's going on, so you can make suggestions..

ErickBroch · 02/12/2021 10:42

I would suggest trying to get a PT job at the SU or joining societies or a sports club. Why are they against societies? There are so many, some are small and very casual and no obligations! At my university I ran the Feminist society and it was a fun space, we just met up and had chats and coffee etc. There were clubs for anime lovers, scifi fans, wine and cheese clubs... so many different ones.

VanCleefArpels · 02/12/2021 11:53

It will take a bit of bravery - I second the “anyone fancy a coffee” line after lectures/tutorials

Otherwise would a job in the “real” world help - pub, cafe, coffee shop type thing

vjg13 · 02/12/2021 15:03

I think if he is in halls to look for a move to a different flat. Contact the accommodation office and online notice boards to see if there is somewhere a bit more social.

Pearlypinknails · 02/12/2021 15:17

I was going to say WIWIKAU too. They've got a bit to help students meet others.

TizerorFizz · 02/12/2021 15:28

I do think sometimes students want a quiet flat but then can find it like a morgue! Students stay in their rooms and don’t want to socialise. So yes, if he’s found himself in such a flat, ask to move. Students might be vacating due to not liking university at all so places come up after 1 term! If you don’t ask you will never know.

Original poster

sergeantmajor · 02/12/2021 17:32

Thanks for the kind advice and great suggesions. Here's some background information.

He's in his second year, living in a shared house. He thought he was getting on ok with his housemates, but is now being excluded.

He made some nice friendships when 'bubbling' in his first year but he says that now that those people aren't forced to be with him by pandemic restrictions, they're less interested.

He tries really hard to reach out to people but he says he is always scrabbling around to get invited to things, never actually invited. He has tried with one or two societies but says he has 'saturated' them and can't get any friendships from them.

He is very sweet natured, emphathetic and obliging, with a great sense of humour, but is a little awkward and unpracticed at social situations. Surely there must be other lonely souls like him who just need to find each other!

I think he just needs to

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VanCleefArpels · 02/12/2021 17:47

Could using an online “dating” but just for friends app help - is it Hinge or Bumble that matches platonic friends???

EwwSprouts · 02/12/2021 17:48

Volunteering is a great way to make friends. The student's union will probably have a volunteering liaison person who can make the introduction to a charity that interests him. I've worked for a couple of charities and both had plenty of student volunteers.

MrsFin · 02/12/2021 17:51

Does he have a job? If not could he get one?
Or could he volunteer with a local scout group or some thing? Or maybe volunteer for the local vaccination programme.
Volunteering is a great way to make friends.

Hawkins001 · 02/12/2021 18:03

@sergeantmajor

Thanks for the kind advice and great suggesions. Here's some background information.

He's in his second year, living in a shared house. He thought he was getting on ok with his housemates, but is now being excluded.

He made some nice friendships when 'bubbling' in his first year but he says that now that those people aren't forced to be with him by pandemic restrictions, they're less interested.

He tries really hard to reach out to people but he says he is always scrabbling around to get invited to things, never actually invited. He has tried with one or two societies but says he has 'saturated' them and can't get any friendships from them.

He is very sweet natured, emphathetic and obliging, with a great sense of humour, but is a little awkward and unpracticed at social situations. Surely there must be other lonely souls like him who just need to find each other!

I think he just needs to

This book may help, da

redmapleleaves1 · 02/12/2021 20:42

I'd remind him lots of others will be feeling lonely too. There was a survey published a few months ago which said 1 in 4 students in their second year last year felt they hadn't made a single friend. In my experience when feeling lonely, even just having a tiny space where I felt more ok, - say from having a routine, helped me calm down, so I could relax enough to make friends.

I'd agree with what has been said about the volunteering options in the Student Union, - when you're doing something alongside someone else, for the benefit of others, it changes the dynamic. I found you could do one offs, like tree planting, or more sustained commitments where you met the same group of people, lots of choice, nice people. Or if he'd like to meet up with people outside university www.doit.life has over a million volunteering opportunities, searchable by interest and postcode.

Good luck to him

latedecember1963 · 02/12/2021 21:02

Does his uni have a Sober Socials Society?
You don't have to be tea total to join but the emphasis is on activities that don't revolve around alcohol. They have board game events, cinema trips, trampolining, quizzes etc. When DS2 was at Birmingham he found it a great way to meet like minded people. He graduated last year and is still in touch with several people he met via "Sobers".
I hope he feels more settled soon. University can feel a very lonely experience and it's hard as a parent to find ways to support from a distance too.

Original poster

sergeantmajor · 03/12/2021 07:53

Thanks so much for all your replies I have been eating my heart out over this. He says that he will start afresh in the new term and I will furnish him with all these suggestions. Everyone deserves at least one friend!

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ErickBroch · 03/12/2021 09:04

I get it, OP. I found uni similar. First year was great, second year less friends but still ok, and by third year I basically had no real friendships! People I saw out and about, but no solid friendships anymore. In my third year I was drinking and partying less, which is when I realised that's what all my friendships were based on. He is definitely not alone.

Original poster

sergeantmajor · 06/12/2021 15:36

Which book did you mean @Hawkins001 ? Happy to read up on stuff.
Thanks to all for your very kind words and helpful suggestions.

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Hawkins001 · 06/12/2021 16:08

@sergeantmajor

Which book did you mean *@Hawkins001* ? Happy to read up on stuff. Thanks to all for your very kind words and helpful suggestions.

Sorry bout that , it's Dale Carnegie, how to win friends and influence people, it's a classic and not quite as manipulative as it suggest, but quite good perspectives in it.

Iwab82 · 06/12/2021 17:36

Your son sounds lovely and like he deserves good friends. I do think nice people that aren't as confident do get overlooked a bit as people seem to focus on the more outgoing or seemingly 'cooler' people. All the advice you've had is great. I find that I have made really great friends who I may not naturally have been friends with through hobbies and work. It's heart breaking worrying about your children.

Original poster

sergeantmajor · 07/12/2021 15:18

Thanks @lwab82 & @Hawkins001
I am thinking of ways to support his social skills - but also I do wonder how much of it is group dynamics rather than his own personality? What I mean is, even if you are friendly with lots of individuals, it's not much use because you need to be within a group, e.g. if there's a group that always goes to the supermarket together, then they can are more included and welded into the group than someone outside the loop, even if that someone is in fact nicer. Does that make sense? Not sure how to act on that though! Perhaps I need to direct him to regular activities where such groups can form?

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