Lonely at university

[sergeantmajor]

Any advice for DS1 who is lonely and struggling with friendships at university? Apart from joining societies?

@sergeantmajor

Thanks *@lwab82 & @Hawkins001* I am thinking of ways to support his social skills - but also I do wonder how much of it is group dynamics rather than his own personality? What I mean is, even if you are friendly with lots of individuals, it's not much use because you need to be within a group, e.g. if there's a group that always goes to the supermarket together, then they can are more included and welded into the group than someone outside the loop, even if that someone is in fact nicer. Does that make sense? Not sure how to act on that though! Perhaps I need to direct him to regular activities where such groups can form?

It's like being a butterfly going from person to person or group to group, but with that method, you don't tend to develop the necessary connections for a more immersed group, therefore I'd suggest trying to stick to one main group of people so to speak and building better connections.

@sergeantmajor I feel for you and your DS. The way you described his nature is exactly the way I would describe my DD, now in 2nd year. It is horrible worrying about them at the best of times and it's times by 100 when they leave to go to university!
It's reassuring to see the empathy and offers of advice on here, hope it helps.
My DD just seems to get settled in a little friend ship group then something comes along to upset the applecart, she struggled all the way through school and college and I thought at uni things would be easier with like minded. The best advice I can offer is to be there to support and listen, offer a little advice ( this is always tricky as we all know, they never want too
much). Ultimately they have to find their own way with us propping them up with parental worry love!for you. They will both eventually be fine whilst we have very grey hair.

The big issue with university is that students are far from like minded. You get ones who never come out of their rooms to wild party kids taking drugs or getting drunk. Many now go home for prolonged periods due to lectures on line so don’t form friendships in the same way. They might all be at the university but they are different. Plenty never leave home at all and are day students.

DD (yr 12) has struggled socially at school. She now has a serious boyfriend but would still have liked more female friends she feels she can connect to better. I am hoping she has an easier experience at uni but this thread has made me reflect on things we might want to think about beforehand.

Teachers are always surprised when we say she hasn't settled well. I think she seems more confident than she is and also does a lot of varied activities, she hasn't bedded down with one friend group. It seems to be luck to some extent though.

Also not a partier..

DS is alone a lot of the time, going days without conversation. His housemates are barely there. When he goes for in-person lectures, everyone is in groups of 2 or 3, he is by himself. He knows no one on his course.

He has joined a new society, which seems friendly, but it's still early days. His existing 'friends' never invite him over or initiate contact, it's always his move and he senses that they don't want him around.

He is trying so hard to make a difference and create opportunities but it's so dispiriting and his confidence has been knocked. There is a WhatsApp group for his course, but no one has posted on it for a year, and he says it would be embarrassing to do so.

I am wondering whether he could explain to his lecturers that there is no opportunity to meet others on his course, and perhaps they could be set a group project to collaborate on?
Is that too weird?

Should I encourage him to post on a uni forum looking to meet new people or is that too desperate?

Didn't want to read and run but I can't think of anything else to try other than what he has already. How was he when he was at school?

Thanks @chopc

At school he was introverted, well-liked but on the periphery of his friendship group.
He had become more outward-going and sociable just before lockdown hit and he has been keen since to make the most of all social opportunities.
Previously he may not have had close friends, but he always had people to hang out with. Now he is spending his time alone.
I hope that if he just keeps going he will find his people but he is in despair and doesn't believe things will change.
I admire him so much, because it would be hard for anyone to keep putting themselves forward to be knocked back, let alone someone with no confidence or past close friendships to draw on.
It's not like in childhood where it's mum to the rescue yet I am racking my brains to think of practical help that could make that vital difference. Any and all ideas welcome!

@sergeantmajor , I've posted before with the same advice but I would post on the WIWIKA Facebook page with the name of the uni and area where your ds lives and you will get a response.

I've been following this thread and was just about to look up sunshine's advice and then realised she's posted it again

Sorry if I've missed this but is there something he could do any volunteering? Often having a shared interest and a purpose can help.

@sergeantmajor lots of sympathy from me. My ds is very similar, quiet but well-liked, but strong friendship bonds didn't really survive the pandemic and because DH and I are both at home all day, he's quite happy with just us for company most of the time. I really worry about how he will adapt at university - both to being around people and making friends.

Sober socials as @latedecember1963 mentioned sounds good, does his uni have such a thing? Are there no social events connected to his course? (We used to have piss ups on the regular in our department but maybe these things are a bit more frowned on this days?!).

I guess the other thing to do might be to look beyond the university - can he find likeminded souls on a forum and maybe turn that into real life friendships?

Thank you so so much everyone.
I will suggest all these things to him. I'll suggest that he posts on WIWIKAU and I'll do some googling around for volunteering opportunities near him.
His course has a big social planned this term, and he's bought a ticket, now summoning up the courage to go on his own.
I looked up the counselling service and saw that they had group therapy and I was thinking at the very least that's a group he can join!

Sounds really hard for your ds. Another idea, not sure if it’s been mentioned would be contacting the careers/ student services dept for paid or volunteering opportunities? Outreach activities/ open days etc?
Great to build skills and confidence.
Another one which may appeal or not is via chaplaincy / interfaith groups who may well offer opportunities?

Thanks for another kind and helpful response. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it everyone.

I just heard from him and he said he attended an event at a new society which he enjoyed and said he is getting to know the people there a bit better. Jubilation!

I think the trick is to keep getting out there, whether it is as a volunteer or at a society, because at least he gets out the house and talks to other humans.

Hurray! That’s excellent news and all credit to him for persevering.
I do feel for you both. Heartbreaking to know they’re struggling but it sounds as though he’s admirably resilient and very brave.

I had similar with my son in a very quiet flat and it took him a long time to find friends and the disruption of covid has definitely exacerbated this.tell him not to lose heart he will find his people. Initiating a chat at the end of lectures and tutorials ,suggesting a coffee at the end of as well as going to look in the shops especially record ones, going to society events ,he has to keep putting himself out there and start saying hi to people and initiating conversation.i know it's very hard for you both and you must be worried about him being lonely.as you said he needs to keep going out and talking to people.

OP, I feel for you being a worried parent, and for your son of course too. If volunteering is an option, I'd recommend checking out volunteering opportunities via the university, which'll widen his network considerably.

How is he this week @sergeantmajor? Are things still improving if slowly?

Thanks everyone for their comments, and to @BunnyRuddington for asking so kindly.

DS is still persevering and has a couple of social outings this week. He knows he will be hanging on to the outer circles of the groups but at least he is getting out the house and actually with people.

He found Valentines Day very hard as it rubs his nose in the loneliness. He has been rejected from alll the summer internships he has painstakingly applied for, without interview.

He is so eloquent when telling us about his despair that I'm afraid he sometimes convinces me that all is lost. However, I know that things can and do turnaround very quickly, especially when you're young, and he hasn't run out of chances yet. If only all the lonely people could find each other!

Oh I’m sorry to hear how hard it is for him at the moment and truly admire how hard he is still trying. Valentine’s Day always rubs salt in the wound when you feel isolated. The applications for internships not reaping the opportunities he wanted must make him feel even more rejected but I think they are just hugely competitive.
As you say, things can turn around so quickly. He is getting out and it just takes one connection to make a difference. I really hope that happens for him soon.
It sounds as though you have a great relationship with him and I’m sure that will continue to give him strength.

Thanks @letsgoforaskip - fingers and toes crossed