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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

DD doesn't want me to visit

38 replies

AbsolutelySure · 26/09/2021 15:49

DD and I are very close - she's been at Uni for two weeks now. I miss her very much and she misses me, she's text me today to say she was crying last night and this morning because she misses me. I've offered to travel down for the day next Saturday but she's said it'll unsettle her.

I understand that it'll hurt to say goodbye again but I feel that the more we speak or see each other, the easier it will be. I've spoken to her three times in two weeks - I suppose I thought it would be a little more.

I'm trying to do the right thing by her, she's the one away from family and friends at Uni and I respect her wishes but I can't help feeling disappointed, especially when her friends visited last weekend and her boyfriend this weekend. I suppose I just wanted to see if anyone else is in the same situation?

OP posts:
HasaDigaEebowai · 26/09/2021 15:51

I don’t think my parents ever visited me at uni. If I needed to gone home I did but they didn’t visit me. I don’t think you should anyway. She needs to find her feet and you parachuting in won’t help

HasaDigaEebowai · 26/09/2021 15:52

I also don’t think it will have helped for her friends and boyfriends to have visited. She needs to be given space to make new friends

Snozzlemaid · 26/09/2021 15:54

You need to be led by what she wants.
You visiting too soon will probably make her more homesick so would be a good idea to leave her settle in more before you visit.

Lulu1919 · 26/09/2021 15:54

Let her guide you
She said no ....so leave it ....send her a card or a packet of her fave sweets....
She will settle and so will you x

AbsolutelySure · 26/09/2021 15:55

She enjoyed seeing her friends but I know she'll struggle to say goodbye to her boyfriend later today. It's tough. I wasn't planning on parachuting in, more just going for lunch and giving her a hug. Obviously I respect her wishes though.

Luckily she's made lots of friends and her flat mates are brill so far so I'm very grateful for this.

OP posts:
vjg13 · 26/09/2021 15:58

Maybe just offer again in a few more weeks when she feels more settled. I sent my daughter the M&S brownie box this week as a little pick up. Smile

AbsolutelySure · 26/09/2021 16:03

@vjg13

Maybe just offer again in a few more weeks when she feels more settled. I sent my daughter the M&S brownie box this week as a little pick up. Smile

Good idea Smile

OP posts:
daisypond · 26/09/2021 16:06

Gosh, I never visited my DC at university, apart from dropping them off or picking them up. I don’t think that’s common. Mine had friends visiting etc, but not their parents. Send some parcels and nice cards. Maybe visit in a few weeks if she wants.

Howshouldibehave · 26/09/2021 16:07

I can't help feeling disappointed, especially when her friends visited last weekend and her boyfriend this weekend

I've spoken to her three times in two weeks-I suppose I thought it would be a little more

It sounds like it’s more about what you want than what she wants. Just be guided by her. Mine has been back since the start of September and we haven’t spoken on the phone at all!

SunnyDayOut · 26/09/2021 16:11

My DD started at the beginning of September. She has been quite lucky to make friends, and is settling in. She struggles with anxiety so I am quite glad about that. But it did feel a bit like being cast off almost immediately! When we dropped her off, there was an event outside so I said to her to go to that and get the first meeting new people over with while I unpacked and sorted her room. And that was that, she came back in about an hour to say she was off out. And that was that. We did see her for dinner but the next day it was a very quick hi and bye before we went home. I was a bit upset by that, but there was another event going on, and our presence was no longer needed.

Sometimes she calls every day once or twice, sometimes she doesn’t and we text. She’s coming home for her reading week and we will go for lunch then.

Sewaccidentprone · 26/09/2021 16:12

Ds2 started Uni last Sept. I spoke to him every day for the first month, even if it was for 5 mins. He’d ring me to ask me all sorts of stupid stuff,
Iike how to use the Uni washing machine, the best place to buy something he wanted (no idea, you’re in a different city!)

He struggled with home sickness, but this lessened after a few weeks. It does get easier for both of you, but this can take a while. I felt as though part of me was missing for the first term (especially with Covid - I was wfh so saw him every day, all through the day), but this has def lessened over time.

He said what helped was telling himself that this was his choice, what he wanted, and that it was an opportunity to stretch himself out of his comfort zone.

I now speak to him once or twice a week, and he knows he can call me whenever he wants or needs to. He went back in July, as that’s when his new tenancy started and he said he’s really looking forward to having actual person to person lectures, lab and workshop work.

I think it’s easier when lectures start and there’s a routine to work around.

SunnyDayOut · 26/09/2021 16:12

I am off to look at the M&S Brownie box

DramaAlpaca · 26/09/2021 16:15

I never visited mine, and my parents never visited me back in the day.

She sounds like she's setting in and doing just fine. I get that it's hard for you Flowers

oldestmumaintheworld · 26/09/2021 16:18

My parents never visited me at university in London in the 80s although I did occasionally have lunch with my godfather who worked there. I only visited my children at university for their birthdays and took a cake and present. More often would not have been welcomed.

SiobhanSharpe · 26/09/2021 16:20

DS went off to uni several years ago without a backward glance, just as he did on his first trip away from home for the year 6 residential trip.😢
I don't think we visited once other than to pick him up or drop him off, apart from the time he was quite ill with glandular fever -- he was miserable and phoned home so when I asked if we should come and get him, he said 'yes please.'
If she wants you to come she'll tell you.

vjg13 · 26/09/2021 16:31

@SunnyDayOut

I am off to look at the M&S Brownie box
It's under "Letterbox" food gifts. Will probably send the Halloween one too nearer the time! Grin
OuiOuiBonjour · 26/09/2021 16:34

I teach at a university and also dropped out due to homesickness on my first attempt.

Your daughter is absolutely doing the right thing. She needs to settle in and reminders of home make the homesickness pangs worse.

I promise you that I have almost every one of my first year students sobbing on me in a tutorial between weeks one and three. They arrive puffy eyed and their lower lip starts trembling and when I ask them to tell me what's upsetting them they always say the same, "I'm ok, I just really miss home/my mum/my dog" etc.

The ones that manage to distract themselves and keep busy and don't constantly keep going home or having visits/constant phone contact etc with parents do tend to settle much more quickly.

Some go home every single weekend, have parents visit mid week, or spend hours every night locked in their room facetiming home. They usually find returning after every visit traumatic and the start to every semester is miserable for them.

It's also these students that usually drop out.

I think it's why I dropped out, although the course and place of study wasn't right for me and I have no regrets. My parents panicked when I moved and didn't instantly love it and started to cry often and struggled to eat or sleep. There was no option of halls for me so I was living alone in a privately rented studio flat. My Mum decided she would stay with me to "settle me in" for a week. It made the moment of separation too drawn out. I think if she'd had left me the first night I'd have been forced to get on with things and developed coping skills more quickly. I decided to return home with her for the first weekend. Then my Dad drove me back on the Sunday night and stayed with me until the Tuesday. Then Mum came down on Thursday and we both went back for the weekend on Friday night and Dad drove me back on Sunday and the whole pattern repeated. It was a 6 hour drive. I was arriving home at 1am on a Friday as I didn't finish until 6.30pm. I was getting back to London at midnight on a Sunday. It was ridiculous, and largely instigated by my parents to "help me adjust". I don't blame them, they moved heaven and earth for me but it was unhelpful and they were babying me. Reading it back now, it was completely ridiculous. Very loving but kind of batshit and really motivated by the fact that they had empty nest syndrome and were sad I'd grown up and moved ao far away.

I always, always felt better on the Tuesday and Wednesday night when they were gone. I was forced to occupy myself. I could have a damn good cry and no one would know then I'd self soothe. I'd take myself off to a show or a museum. I'd organise my flat or do a pamper evening. I really missed home but when my parents weren't there I had to deal with it and find resilience.

Alot of homesickness is Separation Anxiety. The moment of separation is the most upsetting part and the more it happens the more difficult it is to cope with and the more the associated emotions and resulting behaviour becomes entrenched.

It's similar with little ones starting school or nursery. Often lots of tears, tantrums, distress at the gates or on the way to school but if you were a fly in the classroom just 20 minutes after drop off you'd find them happily playing with their peers having totally forgotten all about you. If you then went in to check that they were ok, the tears and clinging to Mum would probably start all over again.

I worked in a boarding school for a year too and again, the weekly boarders often had a harder time settling in than the international students who couldn't go home every weekend. Often a turning point for homesick boarders would be getting involved with weekend sports which would mean they couldn't go home. All of a sudden, we'd find they'd settled.

I know it's hard and completely understand you want to help her and also, you want to see her. But really at this point, you need to take her lead and trust that she knows what will work for her. I agree just a hug and lunch doesn't seem like too much or overbearing (nothing like my parents' overstepping!) but right now she feels it will make her worse. She can't bear the thought of separating from you again.

Like homesickness though, it will pass. At some point she will have settled enough that she will welcome and look forward to you visiting without any dread of the moment you have to say goodbye again.

lawofdistraction · 26/09/2021 16:34

Maybe things were different years ago but I don't remember anybody's parents ever visiting them at uni, apart from the initial drop off and graduation. Hard as it is I do think the best thing is to stay away, it will be far easier for her to find her feet.

SunnyDayOut · 26/09/2021 16:42

Thank you vjg13 - found it! Yes, the Halloween one looks good too.

AbsolutelySure · 26/09/2021 16:59

@OuiOuiBonjour

I teach at a university and also dropped out due to homesickness on my first attempt.

Your daughter is absolutely doing the right thing. She needs to settle in and reminders of home make the homesickness pangs worse.

I promise you that I have almost every one of my first year students sobbing on me in a tutorial between weeks one and three. They arrive puffy eyed and their lower lip starts trembling and when I ask them to tell me what's upsetting them they always say the same, "I'm ok, I just really miss home/my mum/my dog" etc.

The ones that manage to distract themselves and keep busy and don't constantly keep going home or having visits/constant phone contact etc with parents do tend to settle much more quickly.

Some go home every single weekend, have parents visit mid week, or spend hours every night locked in their room facetiming home. They usually find returning after every visit traumatic and the start to every semester is miserable for them.

It's also these students that usually drop out.

I think it's why I dropped out, although the course and place of study wasn't right for me and I have no regrets. My parents panicked when I moved and didn't instantly love it and started to cry often and struggled to eat or sleep. There was no option of halls for me so I was living alone in a privately rented studio flat. My Mum decided she would stay with me to "settle me in" for a week. It made the moment of separation too drawn out. I think if she'd had left me the first night I'd have been forced to get on with things and developed coping skills more quickly. I decided to return home with her for the first weekend. Then my Dad drove me back on the Sunday night and stayed with me until the Tuesday. Then Mum came down on Thursday and we both went back for the weekend on Friday night and Dad drove me back on Sunday and the whole pattern repeated. It was a 6 hour drive. I was arriving home at 1am on a Friday as I didn't finish until 6.30pm. I was getting back to London at midnight on a Sunday. It was ridiculous, and largely instigated by my parents to "help me adjust". I don't blame them, they moved heaven and earth for me but it was unhelpful and they were babying me. Reading it back now, it was completely ridiculous. Very loving but kind of batshit and really motivated by the fact that they had empty nest syndrome and were sad I'd grown up and moved ao far away.

I always, always felt better on the Tuesday and Wednesday night when they were gone. I was forced to occupy myself. I could have a damn good cry and no one would know then I'd self soothe. I'd take myself off to a show or a museum. I'd organise my flat or do a pamper evening. I really missed home but when my parents weren't there I had to deal with it and find resilience.

Alot of homesickness is Separation Anxiety. The moment of separation is the most upsetting part and the more it happens the more difficult it is to cope with and the more the associated emotions and resulting behaviour becomes entrenched.

It's similar with little ones starting school or nursery. Often lots of tears, tantrums, distress at the gates or on the way to school but if you were a fly in the classroom just 20 minutes after drop off you'd find them happily playing with their peers having totally forgotten all about you. If you then went in to check that they were ok, the tears and clinging to Mum would probably start all over again.

I worked in a boarding school for a year too and again, the weekly boarders often had a harder time settling in than the international students who couldn't go home every weekend. Often a turning point for homesick boarders would be getting involved with weekend sports which would mean they couldn't go home. All of a sudden, we'd find they'd settled.

I know it's hard and completely understand you want to help her and also, you want to see her. But really at this point, you need to take her lead and trust that she knows what will work for her. I agree just a hug and lunch doesn't seem like too much or overbearing (nothing like my parents' overstepping!) but right now she feels it will make her worse. She can't bear the thought of separating from you again.

Like homesickness though, it will pass. At some point she will have settled enough that she will welcome and look forward to you visiting without any dread of the moment you have to say goodbye again.

Thank you for this really thoughtful and insightful post. It's helped a lot. I want what's best for her and will absolutely take her lead Thanks

OP posts:
olivo · 26/09/2021 20:12

My parents never visited me at Uni but I loved receiving a hand written letter (admittedly, it was 25 years ago) and a little treat here and there to make me smile. Try to let her settle in, she'll be ok.

MargaretThursday · 26/09/2021 21:25

She's right. As others have also said.

Concentrate on sending lots of lovely things for her to eat and letters. My dm used to send postcards (often written by some of my soft toys I'd left at home, which sounds cringy looking back, but it made me feel she was thinking of me). My 3rd year room was almost papered in postcards!

chopc · 26/09/2021 21:57

When I was at Uni in London I didn't plan to come home at all or only once in a while. However most of my friends who lives in London went home at the weekend which made me rather lonely so I also ended up going home.

Made no impact on me getting my degree or settling in. Just the way it was

Boulshired · 26/09/2021 22:00

I am not going to visit, but we are meeting up in London in a few weeks to watch a show. She wants to meet up but I wanted it to be a neutral emotionally place. Meeting as two adults rather than a parent visiting her.

Notagardener · 27/09/2021 21:42

ok, so I am from a different country, It was (and still is) normal for students to go home over the weekend, or if busy my parents would come to visit. I do not believe students from my country experience more home sickness. I would think the opposite reading mumsnet.

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