DD doesn't want me to visit

[AbsolutelySure]

DD and I are very close - she's been at Uni for two weeks now. I miss her very much and she misses me, she's text me today to say she was crying last night and this morning because she misses me. I've offered to travel down for the day next Saturday but she's said it'll unsettle her.

I understand that it'll hurt to say goodbye again but I feel that the more we speak or see each other, the easier it will be. I've spoken to her three times in two weeks - I suppose I thought it would be a little more.

I'm trying to do the right thing by her, she's the one away from family and friends at Uni and I respect her wishes but I can't help feeling disappointed, especially when her friends visited last weekend and her boyfriend this weekend. I suppose I just wanted to see if anyone else is in the same situation?

ouiouibonjour
That was a great post to read so thank you for that, so reassuring. I am struggling with my DD who has just moved away. We were looking forward to having some couple time but now we are both so anxious because she seems unhappy with her flatmates, the demands of her course and lack of friends. She has autism and anxiety about lots of sensory things and of course this has impacted on her mental health as there is so much change for her, and also she feels like she doesn’t fit in and is the odd one out. It is so difficult to stop myself from ringing and checking that she is ok, yet I know that in a way although this can comfort her, it makes the separation anxiety worse.

I didn't read @OuiOuiBonjour's post as saying, "all students who go home regularly WILL get homesick".

Surely it's students who already have homesickness or anxiety that will struggle with going back and forth. And the solution is to try and settle in one place and reduce contact with home until settled.

If you were never unsettled or homesick then you'd be fine going back home or having visits from parents. You didn't need a solution if you didn't have a problem.

sorry clopper that wasn't aimed at you, but at posters saying that going home didn't affect them or people they studied with.

I only visited my dds when they invited me, and it usually involved me buying lunch, going to a supermarket and a visit to the local Top Shop branch 🤣🤣

Well I just feel that here it's the norm not to go home for the weekend. I can imagine it would make it more likely to feel homesick , knowing from the start you will not see your old home for many weeks. If you know it's only going to be 5 days it would feel more like a trip.
Ah well, there are other strange differences, like the existence of catered accommodation

@Notagardener

Well I just feel that here it's the norm not to go home for the weekend. I can imagine it would make it more likely to feel homesick , knowing from the start you will not see your old home for many weeks. If you know it's only going to be 5 days it would feel more like a trip. Ah well, there are other strange differences, like the existence of catered accommodation

In the UK a huge part of the student experience is the social aspect. Going to parties, hanging out with new friends, forming romantic and sexual relationships. The weekends are full.

Equally, most students these days have a job at the weekend, in their university town or city and another at home during the holidays.

And, students are encouraged to study at the best institition they can and to pursue the career path they want rather than just take what's on offer in travelling distance of home. That often means a move beyond 2 or 3 hours. Should a student from rural Scotland be expected to give up a place at Cambridge because it's more important to be able to go home every 5 days? Should all 18 year olds stay in Northern Ireland or Jersey or the Isle of Man because the alternative means they'll be away from home for many many weeks and may get homesick?

Student days are all about freedom, pursuing your dreams, learning to separate from the childhood home as a stepping stone to independence as an adult.

We are planning to see DS at October half term (I dropped him off at the beginning of September). We will stay a couple of nights in an AirBnB, meet for a meal and a walk, but will keep our distance and respect his independent new life.

I think it is nice for parents to visit a couple of times a year, but agree that it is important that your DD gets on with her new life and is not clinging to the old one.

I promise you that I have almost every one of my first year students sobbing on me in a tutorial between weeks one and three. They arrive puffy eyed and their lower lip starts trembling and when I ask them to tell me what's upsetting them they always say the same, "I'm ok, I just really miss home/my mum/my dog" etc.

In the case of my students, it's usually the dog. I will be bringing my dog to the department party we're having in a couple of weeks' time - he's guaranteed to be a crowd pleaser.

She's been there for two weeks and has already visits from friends and her boyfriend? That's a lot of visitors so early on! Perhaps she wants a couple of weekends clear to spend with her new friends, getting to know her new city?
Respect her space, make it clear that you'll come any time she asks, and wait til you're invited.

We visit ds every 6 weeks, it's more of an excuse for a weekend away but it's nice to catch up and he really appreciates it. Why don't you plan a visit at the end of October ,get it in the diary and it's something for you to look forward to and she'll be more settled by then?

There is a chance she's absolutely loving life and not homesick at all but actually overplaying how she's missing home as she feels it's what she should say and is what you expect.
I think the fact she's not in the phone all the time ( she will definitely get plenty of chances to call you) speaks volumes.
She's settled and that's fantastic.
Just saying...

"In the UK a huge part of the student experience is the social aspect. Going to parties, hanging out with new friends, forming romantic and sexual relationships. The weekends are full.

Equally, most students these days have a job at the weekend, in their university town or city and another at home during the holidays.

And, students are encouraged to study at the best institition they can and to pursue the career path they want rather than just take what's on offer in travelling distance of home. That often means a move beyond 2 or 3 hours. Should a student from rural Scotland be expected to give up a place at Cambridge because it's more important to be able to go home every 5 days? Should all 18 year olds stay in Northern Ireland or Jersey or the Isle of Man because the alternative means they'll be away from home for many many weeks and may get homesick?

Student days are all about freedom, pursuing your dreams, learning to separate from the childhood home as a stepping stone to independence as an adult."

Ha ha, yes, and in my country (in fact I studied in 2 different countries), students have no social life and all go to a mediocre university as nothing is as good like Oxbridge. All are rich so they don't have to work.

Only what is indeed true is that my country is smaller so doubt it will be more than 3 hours from north to south.

OP, it's really important that you start building up your own life and interests without her, right now. When she comes back at Christmas, she won't be the same person who went away.