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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

Son is shy and struggling with Freshers week

39 replies

talia66 · 20/09/2021 21:57

I wondered if anybody has experience with this? My son is in week one of uni. He is quite a naturally introverted person. He is more than happy with his own company and is more like to have a small group of good friends than lots and lots of acquaintances.
He gets very socially awkward which can almost come across weird and abrasive I think, although he is just trying to 'fit in'.
He arrived at uni on Saturday and already his flat mates have been out every night drinking and he says its like everybody are best buds already.
He doesn't like alcohol (even though he has tried to drink to 'fit in') He even put off making his dinner today until they all went out at 9pm because they sit in the kitchen having a laugh and drinking and he feels awkward walking in. They say hi, but don't engage him in conversation.

I am extrovert and so it is really hard for me to help him as such. I have been encouraging him to put himself out there and try and overcome his shyness, but now I think I am just putting him in uncomfortable situations and maybe he is best doing his own thing (He has friends online he communicates with so he isn't sitting in his room lonely).

Does anybody have experience of this? I don't know how to help him with social interaction etc. . . should I let him just figure it out, keep encouraging him to engage in conversations even if he feels uncomfortable?

His actual course hasn't started yet so I am hoping once it does that will help. It doesn't help that I am dealing with empty nest syndrome, which is causing me anxiety. sorry to ramble on x any advice or insight would really help. thasks

OP posts:

fruitypancake · 20/09/2021 22:13

Are there some clubs that he can join? Would give him a purpose for being there/ something to make conversation about. If he is happy I would try not to worry, he will find his way x

Hellocatshome · 20/09/2021 22:16

See if there is a club he is interested in joining. I joined the fencing club and ended up with a small friendship group of fellow club members then a separate little group of people from my course. That was enough for me most other people were more like acquaintances I might nod at as we passed in the hallways.

Hullbilly · 20/09/2021 22:20

Yes, encourage him to join a club or two where he might meet people more like himself. There's no rush, it will be fine.

OrangutanLibrarian · 20/09/2021 22:25

You said he’s more than happy with his own company. Why are you trying to change him? You fixating on and reminding him of his awkwardness will make him feel worse.

whenwillthemadnessend · 20/09/2021 22:30

It's a mistake to rush into friendships at uni or school. It rarely works out.

Far better to weigh up the options and tread carefully. I'm sure when he starts the course he will find some like minded people he can mix with.

Are there any girls he can hang with or more gamer types I'm sure as time goes in he will meet his crowd.

RandomMess · 20/09/2021 22:33

There should be an awful lots of societies he could join, definitely sign up to several and try them out. He'll find his people.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 20/09/2021 22:34

The people you bond with in Fresher's week are often the ones you spend the next 3 years trying to drop.

You don't sound like you think he is unhappy? Rather than that you would be unhappy if you were in his situation? If he's fine, then, that's great. He'll find his "tribe", uni is full of people who are introverts - it's unlikely they are out and about in the first week.

What do you think might help you with your anxiety?

EffingElse · 20/09/2021 22:36

I’d agree with other PP’s….join a club or two, try to keep his door propped open and he may feel awkward being around the others if they are in the kitchen it’d still be good if he went in and got a drink, nod at them…that sort of stuff. But equally if he’s happy let him roll with it. He’ll find his groove and once study starts it’ll all change again. I’ve had two go through Uni and the first three weeks are the hardest….for them and us!!

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 20/09/2021 22:36

It will be better once he starts his course, he’ll meet likeminded people more easily (if he wants)

I think at least half the world are introverts… it just takes them longer to find eachother (as they hide in their rooms more )

Embracelife · 20/09/2021 22:38

See if he can change to a quiet flat
Mosts unis have allocated quiet halls
Suggest he speaks to the housing office

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 20/09/2021 22:39

My DD has justed started uni so i know how you feel you just want your child to make friends and settle into uni life. From her brief experience freshers week was good with opportunities to try out various clubs (although all ticketed due to covid and sell out early so perhaps check these out soon) and meet the societies. So perhaps your son could focus making friends through this route rather than his flatmates. Having had a look at the list of societies there really does seem something for everyone.

Once lectures start your DS will also have a smaller tutor group which is so much easier to connect with others who share a love of the same subject. Good luck OP.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 20/09/2021 22:50

Some people are just not very clubbable and that's okay. Frenetic socialising isn't for everyone. And I noticed when I was at university that quieter students were more likely to meet people they felt comfortable with on their course and form lasting friendships that way.

IceLace100 · 20/09/2021 22:54

Freshers week is a bit shit unless you like one night stands, hangovers and chlamydia.

Maybe he can join some clubs and meet some nice people that way?

Try not to worry, everyone seems to find their tribe at uni.

myrtilles · 20/09/2021 23:11

I think he needs to ask if he can move to a quiet flat with more like minded people. The people in his flat might calm down a bit when the work starts but will probably still be partying at weekends.

Other than that he should not feel under pressure to make friends etc. It would be worth looking at clubs.

latedecember1963 · 21/09/2021 07:41

I think Freshers Week is often built up to be something that it's not. There will be lots of others finding it hard but noone wants to admit it for fear of being labelled as boring.

I would echo what others have said in joining some societies. It's worth giving things a try that he wouldn't normally go for just to see if he likes them.
My DS joined the Sober Socials Society where they did games nights and trips such as the cinema and trampoline park.
He's graduated now but he still keeps in touch with some of the people he met in those 1st weeks.
He'll find friends and activities during the 1st term but I know it's hard as a parent when they 1st go away.

HeidiHaus · 21/09/2021 08:33

I agree, he needs to find some like-minded souls, there will be plenty. I'll bet there will be clubs or societies of gamers, or table-top gamers that might suit him more (just a guess).
Once classes start he'll meet more too.

mrsdennisleary · 21/09/2021 10:40

Yes same Talia66- quiet boy who insisted on going to v lively university. Is youngest in family by big gap which doesn't help as is very much baby of the family. At least has told us now is struggling rather than us getting info via siblings.Thanks for advice on thread.

PinkFootstool · 21/09/2021 10:43

Encourage him to go to the Freshers Fair and sign up for anything and everything that takes his fancy. I think I signed up to about 5 clubs and stuck with 3 for the rest of my degree, made most of my friends that way rather than in halls.

Dunrovi · 21/09/2021 11:01

I wonder if a quieter hall might be better?
DD is a party animal but even she was put to shame by some of the others in her flat. A less resilient person would have found it very difficult (especially last year when your immediate flatmates were your only social life).
Problem is that you don't know who you're going to get in your new flat until you've committed to move!

thesunwillout · 21/09/2021 11:18

Hi there I'm not sure if this will interest you but there's an amazing Facebook group full of support for parents of kids that have gone off to university.
WIWIKAU

what I wish I'd known about university.

It's really good and I encourage you to join. X

PS I'm a mum of a now 2nd year.

Hth

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 21/09/2021 11:38

If he is on discord his uni might have a server. There will be chats on there for different uni societies, his subject maybe. I posted on mine this morning because I wondered if anyone else was having tech issues, but there's more interesting conversations and daft gifs and things too.

Or if he goes onto the societies section of his union or uni website, there will be links to fb pages for the societies.

I think I met most people through societies like International Society or once I started my seminars.
I went to queue up for freshers week tickets then walked home feeling like a bit of a sore thumb. That was only one week though in a fairly social uni experience.

Lunificent · 22/09/2021 08:50

I think he should try to get into a quiet hall of his university offers that.
Freshers week seems very hard in so many young people. My niece has just started university, she is outgoing and easy going, has gone clubbing every night with everyone. But she’s absolutely stressed out by the constant activity and having to put on her best front. If she’s struggling, I imagine it must be tough for many.

LimeJellyforBrains · 22/09/2021 20:11

My son isn't that interested in alcohol and hasn't found any he likes the taste of enough to drink. I was delighted that on his first night (Saturday) he was brave enough to go to the pub with a couple of his flatmates and just had a lemonade. Whether that will last I don't know . Do you think your son might be otherwise able to join in with the socialising in the kitchen if he didn't worry about the drinking? Just 'laugh along' a bit? Best wishes to your son, please stress to him that drinking alcohol is optional, and absolutely not everyone does x

pointythings · 22/09/2021 20:23

You're not obliged to be friends with the people you share halls with. DD1 is still friends with exactly one of them - the rest of her friends are from her course, from her volunteering and random people she has met. DD2 is in Freshers week now - she doesn't drink, has fibro and so can't do partying even if she wanted to. She's on saying hi terms with her flatmates, but that's it - but has started getting on with people from her course (it's induction week) and is going to the fair tomorrow to check out specific clubs she's interested in.

Taking it slow and seeing what there is, is a perfectly good way to build a friendship group.

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 22/09/2021 20:44

I agree with @LimeJellyforBrains and I noticed at my DD's uni there is a sober society, apparently they play board games and quiz nights - I was curious! Such a diverse range of societies that there really is something for everyone.

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